Behaviour regressing around crazy permissive grandma
So we're doing a school project for SD8 learning about life issues. She's learning about bank accounts, she had a 'job interview' and some other small things. Her gma played the lady interviewing her which was a huge mistake. I can't even invite this woman to do anything good in our lives bc she's insane.
Gma dressed up as a doctor to interview SD8 for an 'office job' to let her learn about how to pick interview outfits and get a small idea of work and responsibility and now SD8 has roped gma into 'working' after school. Gma tried to get ME to sit in as a 'patient' and let SD8 poke around in my mouth and I said hell no bc my teeth have chipped on 2 teeth and I'm not taking any chances. An immersive school project has turned into a game and I'm so pissed.
I'm so sad to watch SD act like a soul sucking baby and it be rewarded by gma. I'm about to snap.
I'm a pushover. What I'm really looking for is ways to tell SD8 that she's been acting like a baby and to grow up. Be the girl I knew before we moved into this house. How to tell grandma that this permissive bullshit is hurting my SD. I'm so sick of telling my SD to do NORMAL child things like hey don't slam that door and being met with disrespect by gma. My SD is watching this shit.
One more thing - last time I wrote a forum topic you all suggested I change my lifestyle and put my SD8 in public school. I ask you don't this time. I'm respectful of all YOUR decisions to place your children in public school even though I think it's crazy personally. Different lifestyles make the world go 'round!
I forgot to say gma set up an
I forgot to say gma set up an entire 'doctors office' in another person's BEDROOM (not mine thank god) and it's staying up for SD to 'work' she bugs me about when school is over so she can 'call SD into work' and SD is expecting to DRAW A PAYCHECK like what is this shit?!
Also SD is now farting on me, slurping her food, shoving her food into her mouth with both hands and gma tells her it's cute. I'm losing my mind and if I say anything Gma says oh but everyone farts! She just had to fart! But it was IN MY FACE 4 times. During dinner. I'm so pissed.
Bring the pain and tell Gramma to STFU.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Don't play their script. Make them comply with yours and and make noncompliance so immediately embarrassing and painful that neither of them will soon forget what happens when they pull this crap.
smh
I'm not seeing this situation
I'm not seeing this situation improve until you move your household away from grandma.
It sounds like your SD is
It sounds like your SD is "playing" with her Grandma.. like having the proverbial tea party.. and like many grands.. grandma is putting her heart and soul into SD's imagination play. As other's have said.. this won't really change until the dynamic for SD changes. What kind of access to other kids and socialization does she have since you homeschool. I can see her making a playmate out of Grandma since she doesn't have peers in her classroom.. and she needs social interaction. You are an introvert and while you may be intellectually qualified to teach her subject matter.. you may not be able to fulfill that social aspect that kids get by being in class with other kids on a full time basis. I know you did ask that people not suggest you send her to public school.. just pointing out that the current set up may fulfill some needs but leave some gaps that are currently being filled by grandma.. but might be better fulfilled by other kids who won't necessarily be as fawning and complicit for her.. and yeah.. peer pressure can help develope a less self centered persona in kids too.
Moving away from your SO's Ex's mother's house is really your best option.. and possibly if you work outside the home.. that would be a more likely possibility? you could maybe find a different education set up for SD.. private school if public isn't suitable inyour area?
She goes to a weekly
She goes to a weekly homeschool group and daily park play. Thank you for being respectful, truly. Gma has been insane since day 1 lol.
Honestly, given the fact that
Honestly, given the fact that she is BM's mother.. there is about zero potential for this situation to not be pretty messed up. And.. I don't think full time access to grandparents is all that healthy for kids. I think grandparents generaly get to spoil and indulge their grandkids.. but when it is a full time proposition because you are living there.. no. it's not the best thing for your SD. And.. you know homeschooling is not fillingup her day.. she is a bored 8 yo.. grandma is a willing play partner.
She may have daily play dates at the park.. but that is just a little time during the day.
Are you only home schooling SD.. is that the only reason why you aren't working currently? If so, I hate to say it.. but reconsidering this set up so you could get away from grandma's daily interference is really worth the sacrifice of you working and SD going to school.
I just addressed some of it
I just addressed some of it in the kitchen. SD8 has been letting the cats out over and over and I told her we are going to address it with daddy before work today and here comes Grandma but everyone let's them out it's not a big deal! It's a mistake! She's fine!
I really lost it but I was calm. This was all before my coffee by the way LOL. I turned to her and said, "Well they're you're rules. They're either important and they must be obeyed - or they're not important. Also I really wonder why you seem to not be able to realize she can make mistakes. No one is perfect. " Well she just about did a factory reset lmaoooo. She unplugged the coffee machine while I was making coffee to "vacuum" lmao so ridiculous. I plugged it into another outlet and continued. She freaked out and said DH and I did it too and I said, "No, I've never done it because I'm extremely careful and DH has never done it either. We have told SD8 DAILY about shutting the door and she ignores us. Ppl make mistakes to learn from them and if she can't ever admit to mistakes then she will never learn."
More freakout lol about how she herself was the issue and I said, "You're not the issue Grandma. SD8 is the issue and we will address the issue with her father in a few minutes."
Commence fake "vacuuming" for literally 45 seconds until I got my coffee and walked away.
It felt damn good guys. Damn good.
Wow look who suddenly knows how to not slam doors and can pick put her own clothing? AMAZING. I will be opening my mouth more trust me.
I don't understand how SD and GM essentially "playing work"
I don't understand how SD and GM essentially "playing work" is a problem. The child doesn't have any siblings and it sounds like she has a playdate with other kids once a week - so what is the harm in her playing with GM? It might be a bit over-the-top, but it has only been a couple of days. You don't need to be involved, but it does SD out of your hair for a while.
As to SD's other behaviors - DH needs to start actually parenting her.
And the main reason people suggested you quit homeschooling was so you could get a job so you and DH could afford to quit living with BM's mother - not because homeschooling is bad.
You and DH lost your lease.
You and DH lost your lease. DH makes less then half of what he used to. You do not work. You have to live with BM's mom to survive. If you do not like what the person providing a roof over your head is doing, you need to change something. DH needs to find a better paying job. Or DH needs to work a second job. Or you need to get a job. If you don't want to put SD in school, you and DH need to work different shifts or you work weekends. You need to figure out a way to earn more money and move.
Whether you live with your
Whether you live with your MIL or not, you and DH raise your kid(s). Not Grandma. So, put Grandma in her place and tell her that she has no say or opinion on parenting your children and if she wants to take over parentting then she has to present the standards of behavior and performance she will parent to for appoval by you and DH and if those standards are not more stringent than those you expect, she gets no say.
Quit letting her stand on any advantage regarding your residence.
I had to have this talk with my own mother once... more than a decade ago. Though we did not live with her at that time.
I think where they are living
I think where they are living creates the issue here. It isn't that Grandma likes to spoil her grandchild in ways that many grandparents do.. be participants in the makebelieve teaparties.. watch them do countless silly skits or gymnastic moves... buy them treats etc.. That's really not totally abnormal grandparent behavior.. what is unusual about it is that normally grandkids aren't with their grandparents full time (even more so due to homeschool). It's like eating some godiva chocolate isn't bad.. but eating an entire box a day for a year.. probably will have negative impact on your health/weight.
And.. they live in HER home.. BM's MOTHER!!! This isn't her DH's mom.. it isn't OP's mom.. this is the mother of his EX. And OP needs to really realize that she and her SO are there and getting financial assistance for one reason only .. SD!!!! If SD did not exist, Gma would have zero reason to help her daughter's ex and his new woman... In fact, in a prior post.. OP even says that Gma talks about her daughter getting back with OP's partner.. so how messed up is THAT that they are living there.. and why on earth would grandma listen to one thing that either of them say about how she behaves in her own home that she has opened up to these two adults that can't support themselves at the moment?
Honestly, it would be kind or a slap in the face to give grandma some huge ultimatum about SD. I mean.. what can they say.. "If you don't stop doing X.. we are going to not let you see SD?".. Shoot.. I don't know what the circumstances are around them not being able to have a home of their own.. but would Gma have any way of trying to get custody from her daughter's EX.. and become SD's guardian because he can't support his family?
In a normal and rational world, we could deliver the message to a parent about how their spoiling of the grandchild is harmful. BUT.. there is nothing normal about a couple living with the former partner's parent. And, it is Gma's house.. gma's rules.. if they don't like it, they can hit the road. It's not like this is one of their direct family members that they need to maintain a relationship with really...They are sadly in a "beggars can't be choosers" situation here. And, of course SD's father can parent his child as he sees fit. And in this dynamic.. I think OP needs to defer to him on as much as possible.. since she is not the child's mother/bio parent. She, of course, is free to not make herself an unwilling hostage to SD's circus if she doesn't want to watch her antic.. she can go elsewhere.. or reiterate things like "SD, you know how to give yourself a bath.. I don't need to sit with you while you bathe". etc.. No SD, I'm getting ready now, we can play UNO during a learning break today.. or after school. rinse, lather repeat.. just because grandma spoils doesn't mean OP has to spoil her or cater to her the same way.. and grandma can hear from OP in a nice way that... "SD can't always expect us to drop what we are doing for her games.. I was busy folding my clothes.. having my first cup of coffee.. we can play after school".. or "We have tried to discourage her from doing these gymnastics in the house.. she is more likely to break something or get hurt. " or whatever reason for not dropping your knitting for GM you need to say.
But.. this couple needs to stand on their own two feet.. and that means not taking one penny of Grandma's money.. not living under Grandma's roof. This may mean the unpleasant prospect of OP working and her BF doing a harder job to earn enough to strike out on their own. In real life terms.. moochers don't generally get to run their host's household and dictate their behavior. Gifts like this often come with strings.. so if they don't like the dance Gma is making them do.. they need to cut the strings. Then, they can be more on solid ground to set these boundaries for GMA or withold time with the grandchild.