Beginning to resent SD (long....)Please help!
My husband and I have been married for almost a year now and for the most part my SD and I have gotten a long. When we first got together we had a one bedroom apartment with only one bed so on the days we would have her he would let her sleep in the bed with us. This always made me feel very uncomfortable and when I discussed it with him he said "this is a new place for her and I don't want her to wake up scared on the couch" (at this time she was almost 4). I didn't agree with it, but I let it go. Once we got on our feet and moved into a house we had a bedroom set up for her with her own bed(she is 5 now). For the most part she sleeps in there with no problem. On several occasions she just walks into our bedroom and lays in our bed or jumps on the bed or just finds any reason to go in there without our permission. I have told my husband that she shouldn't be just walking into our room that it is OUR room and that is the one place in the house I don't think she needs to be in. She picks things up off the bathroom counter and asks what it is (pregnancy test) or things up off the night stand (fun items for husband and I) that I shouldn't have to hide in my own bedroom or have to explain what it is. If she would learn to ask to come in instead of just helping herself I'd have time to pick up. There have been several occasions that she has just walked in when I'm stepping out of the shower or getting dressed/undressed. I have explained to my husband several times how I feel about her being in our bedroom but I know when I'm not there he lets her do whatever she wants because she continues to do it when I'm there regardless of how many times I've gotten on to her about just walking in. To me it is embarrassing for her to walk in when I'm half naked, she isn't my daughter and if she goes home and tells her mom that she saw me naked how is that going to look? Its already to the point that if she is scared from a thunderstorm I refuse to let him bring her into our bed so he goes to lay with her. Am I that horrible of a person to think that our bedroom is our personal and private space? I don't know why but when I'm sleeping and she just hops into bed with me I get so angry. She just lays down and tells me what she wants to watch on tv...after telling her several times that she doesn't need to just walk in our room whenever she wants. The other day there was a bad storm (we didn't have her that weekend) and I asked if he would mind if I put my dogs cage in the corner of our room instead of the hallway due to the storm (he barks constantly when he hears loud noises like someone knocking on the door) and I didn't want to stay awake from him barking all night. My husband replied SD can't sleep in our room your dog can't either you can go lay by his cage with him. 1) to me there is a difference between a kid sleeping in our bed and a dog sleeping in a crate in the corner of the room 2) my dog isn't going to run to another woman's house talking about sleeping next to me in a sports bra and boy shorts! I am pregnant with my first child and find it difficult to sleep through the night most nights without adding a third person to our bed. My husband seems to be resenting me for not allowing her in our room which in turn makes me resent her. The second we picked her up this weekend I was automatically in a bad mood. I'm trying to keep my distance so I don't take anything out on her for already being upset/pregnancy horomones being outta whack. I just wish my husband could understand what it's like to be a stepparent with the chance of my kid getting to come home and tell the real father what my husband looks like naked. Am I overreacting?? I could use some advice right now because with the way my husband is acting I feel like this is something that shouldn't bother me at all.
Nip that shit in the bud.
Nip that shit in the bud. NOBODY comes in my bedroom, uses my bathroom, or sleeps in my bed but me and my DH. Ever. It is crucial to have a child understand to repect other people's privacy and possessions, and how can that happen if NOTHING is off-limits to them ever? Your bedroom is a symbol of your relationship - separate from his relationship with his daughter. She is not a partner in your marriage, and she does not belong in your bedroom. And children understand symbolic meaning at a very early age. Only husbands seem to have trouble processing the obvious. }:)
Thank you both for the
Thank you both for the comments. The more we argue about it lately the more I feel like maybe I'm just crazy because of the horomones but I have to remind myself that I felt this way long before I became pregnant! My husband has told me that he loves cuddling up with his two favorite girls and I tell him the couch is perfectly fine for that but he says it's not the same. I can't seem to get him to understand that it makes me so uncomfortable, to him it's as if I just don't want her around.
He claims to not let her in
He claims to not let her in the room when I'm at work but of she keeps doing it when I'm hope it's hard to actually believe that he is setting boundaries. The only time I've heard him tell her to get out of the bedroom is when I'm in the middle of changing in the closet and hear her come in...and only because I glare at him! As far as when the baby is here I've already explained to him that the baby will be in the room while nursing and he is fine with that, but now I'm beginning to think that SD is going to step it up as soon as she sees the baby doing it.
OK, I will try to explain
OK, I will try to explain what has happened.
When you married you allowed her to sleep with you. And now a few months later she has to stay out of your bedroom because now you have a bigger home and in her own room. So you allowed this to happen. She got to watch TV with you guys and the bedroom was an extension of her world. This is how she sees her life. She shares all spaces with you and her dad. And now you want to change the rules because you want to. Is that fair? She is only 5 yrs old. She doesn't see her life like you do. She just follows Daddy to the next house and the rules are the same. And now she HAS to sleep on her own?
At 5 yrs old and for a couple of years thunderstorms WILL scare her. Her mind works overtime and goes over and over things that happened during the day. (My grand daughter is at this stage)This is when 'worst case scenarios' occur or she has bad dreams or nightmares and has no idea how to separate them from reality. So yes, she will get scared of thunderstorms and monsters etc. Telling her to just get over it doesn't work and you need to dumb things down and make the reality of the situation an easier concept than "Just go back to sleep".
And I think your husband is right. Buy your dogs a thundershirt to stop them barking at night. If they can get unsettled so can your SD. If she isn't allowed in your room why should the dogs? I completely see his point here.
As for the 'items'... honey, this is a fact of life when living with kids. They explore and pick things up. Imagine going to your grandmothers place and finding a vibrator on her bed. Wash the stuff thoroughly and put them in a tote bag in the closet. Do you want your unborn child to find that stuff? It is like leaving sharp knives around. You just don't do it. And it may not be your SD who sees that stuff. What if you had a medical emergency and your DH called the squad. They parade into your bedroom to take care of you and there are 'items' lying on your nightstand. You are no longer Ms Singlechick. You are a married woman with a SD and your own child on its way.
I get the idea you have not dealt with little kids very much. When you have your own child you will find out how inquisitive they really are and how much they want to share your life. When they are little they think your life is their life.
Put it this way, you have your own child soon. Would you not allow your own child into your bedroom? And would you let your DH leave toys out on his nightstand so your child can ask "What is this for?" Do you really want your SD going back to her mothers explaining what toys you have at your she isn't allowed to play with?
Changing the rules will take a little time. Don't spend so much time in your bedroom so SD doesn't see it as a space to occupy and play in. It is for sleeping or resting only!
You are right about not letting this girl parade in and out of your room though. I presume your DH is at home when you change or shower. So shoo him out and lock the door. Just a fact of occupying a home with little kids. She should not be in your room or using it ass an extension of her world. But your problem seems to be with your DH rather than your SD. He is allowing her to do this despite your problems with it.
In time she will know your rules and expectations and abide by them. It will take time and adjustment for all of you. It is better to talk about these things beforehand so you can honestly tell her "SD, I told you about feeding *baby*. This is how he/she gets fed. But he/she can't eat *insert her fav food*. Remember when we talked about this?"
So I would tell her earlier in the day that bad weather is coming. It is likely to storm tonight. Thunder is just clouds banging together. Lightning is God turning his lights on and off (whatever works for you). Big girls go to bed in thewir own beds and stay there all night. Read her a night time story. Make a routine for her that does not include her in your bedroom. Is her room decorated with nick nacks she likes? Try making HER space special for HER.
I actually agree agree with you. But you need to understand where she is coming from. Oh and if BM still co-sleeps this will be a long bumpy road.
Your post is kind of based
Your post is kind of based off assumptions, which I understand because you only know one part of the story. She has been sleeping in her own bed for over 8 months now, it isn't just over night. And when we lived in the small apartment it was for a few months, I moved in there so I did think it was wrong that I just come in trying to change rules when she was used to doing that when I wasn't in the picture, but I explained to my husband that as soon as we got the house she would have her own room and was not going to share. She was fine sleeping alone. It isn't that we just moved a week ago and now I'm mad because she can't adjust to new rules. And yes I have been around kids for years and I know around that age they ask a lot of questions, but at 5 a child knows wrong from right, she is not allowed to be in our bedroom and if she followed the rules and her dad would back me up we wouldn't have to worry about this. And yes it would be different if it were my own kids because I wouldn't have to explain to another woman what she found. FYI it wasn't a toy on the night stand, and we do have a box on the second shelf of our closet for that, which i have walked in on her trying to open it so what would you suggest now...throw out all of my personal things because I have a kid now? No that's why we have PERSONAL space. When she is here we are in the living room, the only time I'm in the room is if I'm getting ready for bed, just waking up, or getting ready for work. As far as the thunderstorm this is because in 8 months I've had enough of it and especially now being pregnant our bed is our bed. I have gotten up in the middle of the night from her crying from a bad dream and sit in there with her until she has calmed down and gone back to sleep. I wake up at 4am for work every morning and am lucky to be in bed my 10 and on top of that wake up atleast 2-3 times a night, if she slept in the room for a nightmare then she would claim to be scared every night just to have her way, that's why we go to her room not let her come in ours. The problem I had with not letting the dog sleep in the room isn't that he couldn't actually sleep in the room but for the first time I realizedy husband resents me for not letting her sleep with us or lay with us in the morning...and his way of showing that was telling me I could go lay on the floor....pretty sure that you wouldn't be ok with being told that either, but then again that's just an assumption.
I'm sorry if my last post
I'm sorry if my last post sounds defensive I just feel like I'm on my own in this situation and that my husband can't understand where Im coming from. You're right the problem isn't all on her, I do think my husband is at fault for agreeing with me but not backing me up. It's frustrating because I don't want things to go bad between my stepdaughter and I but I feel like she should already know that it isn't ok to just walk in but if husband just let's her do it when I'm not home it will never change.
Thank you for explaining the
Thank you for explaining the details. I understood the 'items' were ON a nightstand and after your explanation I can certainly understand why her 'exploring' would annoy you. Deliberately going into your closet is just not right or acceptable.
I actually had the same kind of problem when I married my DH. His boys were quite a bit older (11 & 13) and it had been ManZone in his 2 bedroom apartment for a few years. When I moved in (and we did transition out to a larger townhome 3 months later)the boys would hang out in our room because my DH had a TV in there and they liked laying on the bed and playing their gamecube games. I pointed out to DH that this is no longer acceptable. This was also now MY space and I was not about to share it with his sons or my daughter. If we were in there and they wanted to talk, sure. Sit on the end of the bed and chat. But when I came home from work and they were laying all over our bed watching TV or playing games and EATING in there. ....
So what I did was go into their room and lay on their bed with a cup of coffee and read my book. DH thought I had lost the plot. I pointed out to him that as his sons see OUR room as an extension of their home then their room can also be my room. They were not impressed but they got the message.
Do you keep the door shut all the time? This creates a barrier for her. Maybe this would work until she gets the idea. "When the door is shut you may NOT go in." If you find her in there but her in time out for 5 minutes. And remind your DH that after the baby comes there will not be more room in your beds for 2 children and yourselves because if he allows SD in then obviously he will allow your baby in as well.
When SD is crying at night her father needs to get up for her every time. Not you. You need all the sleep you can get. And 6 hrs when you are pregnant is less than ideal... If he wants to sleep in her bed... let him. More room for you in yours. He will tire of it quickly.
It sounds like your DH is more of the problem than SD. He isn't respecting your rules or boundaries.