{Hugs} I have little more to offer you. I am so sorry for your loss, for your children's loss, and for your DH's painful choice. Just as you are scrambling for meaning and relief from the pain, I'll bet that SIL is struggling to find her own peace while tangentially coping with MIL/Skids/BM's emotional stuff.

SIL sounded as if she was reporting what she has been told and asking for some type of clarity (rightly/wrongly).

Your response back was heartfelt and clear. Breathe. Cyber-hug.

((hugs)) sending love and strength. I have very little advice as death seldom brings out the good in people. This time will pass and you will be able to close the door on the nastiness.

I am so sorry for you. I wish these people would just leave you alone. I think your response is great. You gave her facts and were honest about your feelings. I hope you can get things wrapped up with them soon so you can begin to cut ties.

Take a little something and try and get some rest.

virtual hugs to you polly

now you will not send them the guitars, your kids should get something from their father as well, even if it's only SF, they adored him. Block the in-laws from ever contacting you, the estate is dealt with and cleared, they can go and eff themselves for all I care... they never where interested when he was alive and made his life a living hell....
why do they suddenly care, bunch of vultures.....

You block them and you simply grieve and keep the guitars, they received enough from him.

Your MIL, SIL, and SKids are encroaching on your own grieving process. I would let them know that you will address any SKid and MIL issues at a later time when you have progressed further through your own grief. I suggest that you clearly communicate that the issues that MIL is experiencing are hers to deal with and you are not currently prepared to help MIL through those issues.

If the estate is settled do not allow them to infringe on your own grieving process or the grieving process of your own children.

Take care of you.

I thought your reply was perfect and kind. Kudos to you! This is maybe of little comfort for you, but SMs are pretty much always made out to be the scapegoat for all of the family ills, and everyone just always assumes if bio-dad isn't doing much with his kids or the rest of his family, it is all mind-controlling SM's fault. Dad has no mind/thoughts of his own, of course.

And, I won't tell you to not take it personal, because when someone treats you this way, regardless, it is sad, cruel and personal. What Rags suggested above is good advice. You take care, and hugs!

I was in your shoes (sort of) once upon a time... I was 36, my first DH passed away and I had to deal with the inlaws... people who didn't give a $hit about him when he was alive because it was "too painful" to deal with the reality that he was dying. I had a meddlesome brother in law who would tell me how I was "upsetting" his mother with the decisions I was making (to this day, I'm not quite sure what those "decisions" were... maybe choice of headstone color? type of casket? because nothing else changed). And my MIL cried to anyone who would listen, then started in on her campaign to petition for custody of my kids (unfounded, but she liked to throw that around).

I cut them all off... at least until my children and I could grieve and establish our "new normal." I didn't need their counterproductivity in our lives at that time. Even though MIL was fond of telling my kids (5 and 3 at the time) that they would be better off coming to live with Nana, I didn't discourage contact, but I didn't 100% encourage it either. Life was already confusing for them, they certainly didn't need this at their ages.

You and your children need your time together to, as I said, develop your new normal. Don't feel bad for parsing yourself off from everyone for a while. When people act as your IL's are acting right now, they are obviously only thinking of THEIR grief and forgetting about yours. Put yourself and your children first in all of this, without others trying to paw thru his stuff. NOTHING needs to be given to others at this time.

Take care of you and yours. It's hard, but you and your children will come out on the other side.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Bless you!

I believe the biggest mistake people make is rushing into the entire scene "after death and grieving".

After my teen sons were killed in a car accident, my DH and other family members pushed me to get rid of their things. I was so deep into grief, I did things that I later regretted; not actions that could not be lived with, but actions that kept me from grieving and making better decisions.

When my brother-in-law passed at a young age (one year after my sons). his wife did something I learned well from. My SIL shut down the entire family, immediately, including their two bio daughters. SIL told everyone to back off and she would handle it all. She did an excellent job of not rushing and going through it all at her own speed and at the same time gave herself time to grieve. Once everyone knew they were off limits, they actually helped her by leaving her alone and calling to check on her now and then.

Grief effects everyone differently and the vultures are at your door immediately. From this day forward, I would listen to your own instincts and do what you feel comfortable with. You are going through a normal process of grieving and hopefully you don't look back and regret what you have given away.

Taking care of your children and helping them go through a healthy grieving process is where your priorities lie. If you slow down and put EVERYONE out of the picture, except yourself and your children, it will take its course and time will help you. You will never be the same, but you will open new doors and you certainly don't need extra stress. DO NOT worry about anyone and their grief, you can't fix it all.

You are the only one that can control your stress. Stay here with us and take it a day at a time. Good Luck.

(((hugs)))

If your DH incurred any debt to buy guitars, drones etc. then you have every right to sell off that stuff to repay the debt. Or to feed yourselves. Just because he was planning to derive some income from it later, the situation has changed and those skids are out of luck. This is soo obviously a money grab by BM & co. You have possession, do not give things away easily.

I think the idea of just ignoring their communications for now is good. Too bad the SIL didn't tell Grandma to put a cork in it. Sounds like she's only interested in helping the money grabbers. People in grief act like idiots sometimes. Better to go,quiet and not get into it with them.

You could just say, look I'm putting a moratorium on all assets for the next year until I sort out the debts that DH left behind. If y'all would like to help repay that first, then we can talk about any leftovers next year. Getting Dad's guitar is not going to make their grieving any easier.

And for you, Poly, get lots of rest and take care of your kids.

wow. sorry poly. please just block them all. there is no need to ever be in contact again if you feel you've dealt justly with regards to dh's things.

each day is a new day. i love response to your ds.

((((hugs))))

She's not sure how things are going for you? Really?

I agree with SMforever, either ignore or let the jerks know that you are still sorting through things, debt included, and YOU will contact THEM if you have anything else to give them.

Oh Poly (HUGS)

Poly, if he had debt, you need to sell his items of value and pay the debt. Look into the laws in your state for someone dyinng without a will. Regardless, what is split is AFTER debts are paid.

I agree with hiring an attorney to help you settle things and keep the vultures away. Do not give the guitars away right now- you need the money, so sell them.

You were more than generous to his kids- just tell his family to leave you alone.

hugs to you.

So sorry you're going through this! And so sorry your inlaws are so selfish and in to themselves. Seems very cruel to me. Please continue to be strong!

Toxic adult aholes SHOULD ALWAYS BE ELIMINATED FROM YOUR LIFE.

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru - but just eliminate ALL contact with these cretins. Forget that they even exist.

This is the part you should have sent:
Pardon the curse...but WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK???
I am a 37 year old widow. One whose husband wanted very little to do with his family, because of shit like this. I spend hours gathering shit for these two little ingrates who fucking mutilated my house, just so these people would leave me the fuck alone, while I tend to my own children who cry themselves to sleep at night, grieving the loss of their step-father, worried that we will have to move now.

You are being too nice because you know they are grieving. F*8k that. They need to stop with their demands and drama. The one thing I hate more than anything is when people try to remake a past with a lost loved one and the whole guitar stuff is crap. The whole my mom is sad because if you is crap. Tell them to message each other with their bs and leave you and your kids alone. Tell them there is nothing left to give because they won't stop until your sons and you have absolutely nothing left of their father/your DH.

Just stop. Breathe. Take this time for yourself and your children...bring in some outside counsel if necessary. you have a right to grieve. For as long as you need. Time to put up some protective boundaries right now. Remember Your grief is your own.

They can wait. You do not have to respond to all that unnecessary pressure right now. it is very insensitive and disrespectful at best to be demanding anything at this time from you. Just simply choose to put it on the back burner and do not deal with it at all right now.

Perhaps if you had a close friend who could act as a communication buffer to intervene and tell them you are not accepting any outside communication right now as you need this time to be with your children. They need to respect that. That is just where you are right now, and it's ok. Pick a strong friend that can help protect your personal space right now.

You be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need to...Your grief is your own. I am so sorry to hear about your loss...peace.