Anyone's DH treat you badly after being around adult SK?
It just seems that when my dh spends any significant amount of time with SD28, he is rude and distant, picking fight over nothing. Our r almost ended last year when they took a trip together,where she made him feel bad and cried for two days (in Paris!) because I was rude to her the day they left (I didn't say hello to her and wasn't speaking to him because all the vacations to that point had been with her, not me). I only saw her for two minutes.
This most recent one, she is trying to break into his business and they text constantly. Seems when they get in this buddy buddy mode he finds the smallest thing and blows it up, causing strife in our relationship. I actually am not speaking to him at the moment because he was such a tool to me yesterday. My DD15 is struggling with her grades. She is upset about it and trying to remedy the situation. He told me that he was upset because she has a good opportunity to attend a decent school and is squandering it. My daughter just goes to the public HS. I told him she was doing her best and he just said he was getting sick of it (he and my dd have a good relationship and never argue, get long well and she is respectful and loves him so I was surprised and his rancor). His princess went to a private school, and he literally did her assignments for her, I saw at least three final papers IN COLLEGE that he wrote for her LAST YEAR so that she would pass her final classes and graduate on time, so when he said that about my daughter I was surprised and mad. I looked him dead in the eye and said "Well, she is trying. Nobody is going to come along and do all the work for her". That made him mad (and fine, I shouldn't have said it, but I get sick of the shitty attitude when he is around his princess) and we left for our respective days.
Dinner time came and I was going to make turkey burgers with bean salad. I got home and found out DS15 had four friends over. I text DH and said 'DS has a house full of boys here, maybe we are having pizza instead' because I am not cooking for all those people. I thought our argument was over, btw. He said fine. Then ten minutes later he sent me another text saying he would pick up the damn pizza and be home at 5:50. I said I didn't realize he was upset and that I would make us burgers. He said no, he was going somewhere to eat fish (local restaurant he likes). I just said enjoy your evening.
I left b/c I didn't want to argue when he got home with the pizza and was driving around waiting for him to leave when I saw him drive right past the place he said he was going. So I said 'i guess you aren't eating at XYZ'. He responded 'stalk much?' I didn't answer. I just happened to see him, I was wasting time by our home. I wasn't looking for him. I just said 'Well, if you consider that stalking I will try to stay awAy from you, I don't need that kind of weird accusation thrown at me'. He ended up going home and I stayed out until he fell asleep on the sofa at 8:30.
We are not speaking right now and it's ridiculous. I am so mad at the stalker comment that I can't see straight. Weldon speak to one another that way, we don't call names or make stupid accusations. These arguments don't happen when he isn't sucking up to SD28. When they do spend significant amounts of time together she constantly tells him to leave me, that he should be with someone who doesn't have kids, that I am mean, that she doesn't know what he is doing with me,etc. I have been disengaged since Nov and don't mention her ever. He mentioned during the argument that I have a problem with his daughter, I said nothing. We have not had a single sour word to say to one another since I disengaged in Nov and now, since they are all close, it's back to this garbage.
Why does this happen and what can I do to navigate the minefield? I don't need this strife. How do you guys deal with it, if it happens? Is this the norm or are we the strange ones?
No, this is not the norm in
No, this is not the norm in my life, but then again, the skid in my life, she's only 10.5 years old.
That "stalk much?" comment, though. If my DH ever had the nerve to speak to me like that, I would only assume that he is, and has been, harboring a lot of disdain for me, and perhaps ready to close this chapter of his life. And by chapter I mean marriage.
Also how I am feeling. He is
Also how I am feeling. He is very reserved and generally doesn't say things like that to me at all. I am really quite shocked by it and that is why I am not speaking to him. I am not punishing him, I just don't want to pop off and start another fight. I need to think, and get some perspective.
The other day I was asking
The other day I was asking someone about: Would you want a 3-way marriage that included SM, DH and BM? Then, someone pointed out to me that this question could apply to a SK/mini-wife or mini-husband as well, as in: Would you want a 3-way marriage that included SM, DH AND SK?
It seems to me that your DH is treating his daughter and you like you are competitors rather than husband and daughter. You and his daughter have two separate roles. There is no way his daughter should be trashing you around him, and there is no way your DH should be letting his daughter disrespect you. You are his wife. You are not nor should you be a rival to his daughter. His daughter should have been taught a long time ago that if she has an issue with you, she needs to NEVER bring it up around him.
These mini-wife type situations are always extremely difficult because apparently, boundaries were never put into place that should have been put in place years ago, and now DH and daughter are possibly both quite comfortable with the Dad and Mini-wife roles they have, never realizing how toxic the relationship really is. In this particular case, his daughter is a business partner as well. So, you have mini-wife/daughter/business partner vs. wife.
I always feel when it is the gang of usual suspects (DH, SK, BM) joining forces and going after you, it is extremely difficult for SM to ever come out a winner without either some sort of ultimatum being given (like sammigirl below) or counseling/intervention. By letting his daughter disrespect you and not setting boundaries long ago, he is starting to slather himself in the same poison she has been bathing in for years. Not good.
I wish I could like this a
I wish I could like this a hundred times.
Your Dh does his daughter's
Your Dh does his daughter's papers? That's just all kinds of wrong. I'm not sure if that means she's incapable of getting the good mark on her own or if he's just a control freak thriving for perfection if only in appearances.
I'm not sure I'd 'buy' SD spent two days crying in Paris. Oh, I believe he guilt tripped you with that line, but seriously this SD wants you poofed, why would she waste a vacation in Paris worrying over not saying 'hello'.
Anyway...the latest fight actually appears to have very little to SD with SD and everything to do with the you and DS15. It's one thing to come home tired on Friday night and have two teens around. It's a totally other thing to learn it's the two plus four.
I'm thinking four non-preapproved teens would have been sent home, turkey burgers and bean salad would have been made and by the time DH had gotten home, he'd have had dinner and the evening wouldn't have included anybody driving around, no stalking claims and no fish outing. There was no asking Mom. There was no discussing with your husband. SMs here vent about this very type of thing about their skids and their Disney Dads and the SM having no control, say so and respect in her own home.
I've read some of your postings and yes, I agree the relationship between your DH and SD is not normal. Their dependence on each other is unhealthy (example the college papers being done by Dad for his 28yr of daughter, trips to Paris, non-stop texting as if one can't function without the other)...but this post shed some light on things that really had nothing to do with SD or DH's 'devotion' to his daughter.
Yes, I'm going to throw in the old 'have the two of you tried marriage counseling'. You two just seem so far apart on where you both are in stages of life and interest. The fighting. The no talking to each other. Always angry over this or that (both of you perhaps with good reason?).
Hmm. Ok let see if I can shed
Hmm. Ok let see if I can shed some light. My son sent me a text asking about friends. I did t get the text til later and as soon as I did I responded. My kids can have friends over, they aren't babies, they have chores, are responsible and do what is needed in their lives.
I didn't feel like cooking for all those people. My h wasn't upset about the kids, he wanted me to cook and I didn't realise it. Generally we don't discuss the kids friends being here, are fine with it and don't ever argue over it. Last weekend it was warm and DD15 had six friends shoe up so we had an impromptu bbq. My DH does well enough that he comes home on a Friday night and is up for whatever because he is at a stage where he has little worries and enjoys our life. Not about that.
The stalking thing was sarcastic but rude and hurt my feelings. And the way he acted about my DD15 struggling was rude, considering his daughter has her work done for her because she is too lazy. Just like she won't shovel her own driveway or change her own oil, mow her own grass.
Generally we are fine with these things like dinners and friends and it is only when my SD28 wants something and schmoozes up to him that these things come in to play and (I feel) it is because she guilts him a out the fact that she is not his one and only priority and he takes it out on me because she would never speak to him again of he put the blame where it belongs. We haven't had an argument since November so I wouldn't characterize us as always fighting.I simply left the house so we wouldn't have words in front of DS friends and now it has turned into this.
That was why I said things are like this when SD is in the forefront. Normally they aren't like this.
Different t stAges in life doesn't fit either, we are in the same stage.
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Ugh! Another permanent
Ugh! Another permanent umbilical cord daddy/daughter situation. Oh yes, been there, done that. You are not out of line, just another victim of a mini wife.
It will not change; so I'm suggesting you get a life and do whatever you feel like doing in regards to your own children. Don't discuss any of it with your DH, unless you want a fight. The only issues you should discuss are emergency issues, concerning your day to day routine. All of this gets blown up and out. I've had a house full of teen boys and still enjoyed having dinner with my DH. Teens should be allowed to have friends come in at any time reasonable. As for you not wanting to cook, so be it. Maybe order pizza for the teens, cook you and DH burgers, whatever. Do what you feel comfortable with and let it go.
When DH was helping me with my bio sons ages 10 and 7; I didn't make issues of meals, sports, schools, etc. It was a waste of time; and yes, his grown daughter (SD) was hanging on her Dadeeee's shirt tail and was supposed to be living her own life. We had a house full of all ages, college, teens, and young; but we always made time for us. So it is a waste of time and energy to go where you are.
My problems, if you read my posts here, were just the past few years when SD56 decided she needed to run our household from one block away (where her and SIL lived). NOT!
Let it all go and keep your household running peaceful; if he starts his ranting, leave and go to your favorite place to eat and have a nice glass of wine. Make sure there is plenty in the frig for your kids and be gone. DH and SD also text and have private jokes, the whole nine yards; I don't care any more and I can't even tell you if my SD breathes anymore. When you've had enough of SD you won't even give it a thought.
You are going to have to set some boundaries for yourself. If you want your marriage and love your DH, concentrate on your marriage and put everything else separate and let the small stuff go. Don't discuss your daughter's grades, schooling, or activities with DH.
Don't discuss SD with him. If he's going to take these vacations, set vacations for the two of you without her; insist you have your own separate vacations. Ignore the mini wife. I think your mini wife is undermining you with DH and he is falling for it. Tell her to butt out.
I finally told my grown SD to butt out and mind her own business. I also told her she was not welcome in our home, unless she shows respect and stops her interfering. Well she doesn't come around much, but it's SD and DH's problem, not mine.
SD and DH text, call, and have their own private conversations; when? I don't know, how often? I don't know. You see I don't care. I wish my SD56 would take DH on vacation, she don't even come take him to lunch, to give me a break.
Thanks for the reply and
Thanks for the reply and advice. My h raises my kids like his own and so it is difficult not to discuss things with him. He does homework and parent conferences etc. I think his daughter is mad about that but we have a life together.
I do think she is trying to break us up. I think k she makes him feel bad for loving my kids. Mostly we are fine and I am grateful for all he does. But she is too dependant. She bought a home less than a year ago and my h gave her the down payment etc. I was glad because it was less than the rent my h had to help pay. In that six months her mom has moved in five days a week and sleeps in her bed. She is an only child and has been coddled. I feel sorry for her because she can't seem to find a life. Men date her for a short time and decide she is high maintenance. She sucks all the air out of the room.
Your advice is good. I don't want to fight with him. I want calm. I disengaged in Nov. I don't know anything about their conversations and stuff either. I don't care. It feels good not to care.
You are on the right track if
You are on the right track if you are disengaged. Let you DH know that you appreciate everything he does. That I did! Then don't discuss this mini wife or ask about her ever. If he brings her up, just ignore and don't fall into his conversation.
It sounds like your SD is very jealous. I would just set some boundaries in your own home, concerning her, and let your DH know you want nothing to do with his moods or her antics.
My marriage was perfect, until SD moved in the same town (15 years up the street). We have now moved (3 months ago) and it is already improving. I disengaged 7 years ago and it is all coming together for me. If my DH doesn't want to be with me and live our marriage in peace, he is welcome to leave and not let the door hit him in the butt. He knows this and has been introduced to living with his Princess.
My boundaries stick and I will never go back for more punishment. I let myself in for punishment for 30+ years, before I had enough.
Good Luck.
P.S. My SD56 is livid that she didn't break up our marriage and we have moved and started a peaceful retirement.
I am so glad to hear things
I am so glad to hear things are going better in your relationship! I will work on the boundaries am d on shutting him off when he talks about her. So far I have just been not responding.
I expect my children to grow up to be good people. I don't expect them to be unable to support themselves at almost 30. I am very bitter about, not so much her but more him allowing the treatment I receive from his family.
Hi - I really can appreciate
Hi - I really can appreciate your pain (I have 3 of my own adult kids, plus 3 grown up step kids) - you say that your Stepdaughter keeps telling your husband to get out and leave you - who tells you this? is it your husband? I think this one factor is significant.
He has told me things she
He has told me things she said when we are ok. He is not saying it to be mean but just in a conversational way.
However, when he spends chunks of time with her he always comes back talking about our future and how he is concerned with where things are going etc. Which is stupid because we are fine.