Am I too sensitive?
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SD19 had a girlfriend from out of state visit and they stayed 4 days with us and 4 days with BM. Her friend is a strict vegan and I did most of the cooking, not easy for us meat lovers. A nice food hamper arrived today from her (SDs friend) which is very nice of her. The postal address is to DH fair enough. But the card with the gift says Dear DH, thank you so much..etc. Am I wrong to feel hurt that she did not address the thank you card to DH and Anna??
This is a newish friend.
This is a newish friend. Certainly she has only known DH since we were married. You bring up a good point I had not considered this as a gender role thing. Maybe her upbringing is old fashioned aka Father is the breadwinner. In this case we both provided the bread but I did all the baking.....literally LOL
It would be polite to address
It would be polite to address to both you and DH for extending hospitality in YOUR joint home. Even if you had done none of the cooking. 4 days for visitors is a change to your household. But I am impressed that a thank you note came at all.
I've had the same thing happen to me, where I promised something for a friend of OSD, DH delivered it when he was in their town, then DH got the thank you note. Whatever.
I would feel left out of the
I would feel left out of the thank you note addressed only to DH. I would acknowledge the food basket with a little note Similaiar to the one suggested above.
However, why were you the chief cook and dietitian for SD's 19 year old guest? In the future if young adults are to be hosted in your home by SD then she should be the one concerned with making sure they are fed and comfortable. Go about your day as if regular day. If any special diet restrictions are required then SD can shop for them and help cook. Except for deadly food allergies it should not be all on you to deal with. Teach the SD how to become a gracious host to her guest. Do not do all the work for her. At the end of the visit she should have helped to bring the linens and towels to the laundry room and if time before departure should have helped run them thru the wash and put them away. And if that was not going to happen then DH should have done all the nitty gritty hosting and clean up details. Especially since he was the only one sent a thank you.
I actually enjoy cooking
I actually enjoy cooking although a vegan diet was tough to do. But I know exactly what you mean. I set myself up for these things and am then hurt. SD and I don't have a great relationship at this point, she tolerates me for DHs sake. This is a girl who has given me a tough time from day one and stole jewelry from me two years ago. She bad mouths me a lot and her and BM are identical. I had disengaged for a number of years. This past year has been relatively quiet and we were getting on more. I engaged again and look where that gets me! Disengagement is the only way.
I would feel hurt especially
I would feel hurt especially since you did all the food preparations. But like someone else said I am impressed you got a thank you at all plus a gift. That's really nice.
I had a similar thing happen
I had a similar thing happen with DH's sister. I have taken a step back from her. In my case, I know the slight was intentional.
If she visits in the future, try taking a step back. Don't go out of your way. Let SD or DH do it.
I think it is great that a 19
I think it is great that a 19 year old would even send a thank you note, given what I've experienced from the current generation of teens.
It does seem dorky to have not included you in the note, but she probably meant well. I would have been a little more inclined to put the onus for cooking on the girls, especially given the custom diet demanded. I love eating vegan, but if I'm a houseguest, I'm not going to tell my carnivorous hosts to cater for me. It ain't a hotel!
In light of the new info
In light of the new info regarding the relationship status with SD I would suspect she bad mouthed you to her friend. Either the gift basket thank you was a further dig at you via her friend...or perhaps the friends parents made her send it...likely paid for it too...and friend worded the card leaving you out. Either way friend is no friend to you! As she did not appreciate your efforts on her behalf in your home perhaps she can stay elsewhere next time.
Same for SD. Sounds like you went out of your way to host her friend and she has not thanked you either. Let them all go somewhere else.
If they ever do stay in your house again...lock up your valuables and take yourself to a nice spa for the duration of their visit. DH can learn to appreciate the unappreciative adult daughter.
Do you live in a resort area where this is likely to happen often? Hope not.
Any chance a separate
Any chance a separate offering is arriving later specifically for you?
If it doesn't come then it's definitely the SD has gossiped to her friend about her wicked stepmother (eyeroll) so friend is all caught up as a minion in SD's hate-all-sms campaign.
Perhaps, if the second token does not arrive, dh should have a chat with his daughter. "Got this basket from your friend. Very nice, but I was quite taken aback it is addressed to only me? OP did all that special cooking, not me. Do you know she researched and practiced vegan recipes non-stop for 3 weeks before you got here to make sure friend could eat something tasty? That was an awful lot of work. I just find it so odd that friend seemed to not notice who was doing all the work. Huh."
It might have the effect of shaming this young woman into realizing how ludicrously ungrateful she herself has been. It could possibly (remote, I know) even inspire daughter to call friend, "I was really wrong about all that. SM did a lot for us. I'm going to get her a hostess gift and I hope you will sign the card with me."
However he words it, I would hope dad spells this out for daughter cuz she needs some moral guidance from dad.
When I spent time around OSD,
When I spent time around OSD, she always needed a massive entourage around her. Reinforcements, I would call it. I could always tell who she had badmouthed me to....I would get the wide-eyed look, like "oh, THAT'S her." And then later one of them said "you're......so ....nice!" I felt like asking what did she expect?
OSD has several friends who behave like her, think they are the beautiful people, middle-aged Regina Georges. Those women treat me exactly the same as OSD. We used to go on vacation with OSDs family and some of these people were there. Those days are done; just what I need is Multi-Person Snubbing because OSD is a massive baby.
But I agree, SD has badmouthed Anna to her friend.
I am the worst person to give
I am the worst person to give advice on t his...
Fine you busted your chops keeping her happy and making her feel comfortable and she shuns you... game on
I will not send a thank you note - cause I did not get anything, if DH does not send a thank you note it's on him.
Next time they visit, I will do absolutely nothing, seeing she thanked a person who did nothing, that person can now bust his chops keeping her happy..
yeah I warned you I'm the most Evil SM
I am pretty sure SD bad
I am pretty sure SD bad mouthed me to her friend, that's her MO. My DH thinks diamonds shoot out of his daughters a** so he will never address it with her. Because things have been better lately, or so I thought, two weeks ago I spent my lunch hour at work making up a flyer for SD for babysitting. Yesterday DH asked me if I could go back to the store to print more today on my lunch hour. Eh no! It's back to disengagement and I told him I am way too busy to even take a lunch break.
DH won't send a thank you card unless I write it. Which I will.....and I did spend time looking up recipes and shopping for the food. So the card will be a polite sting. I will chalk this up to a lesson and never ever engage with SD. Anymore friends over and yup I will be very busy having a massage or mani/pedi.
Thanks to all of you for your advice, this is a great site
Anna, think about this: You
Anna, think about this: You are planning on writing a thank you note for a "thank you" gift which wasn't even addressed to you! Just because your DH won't send it doesn't mean you have to. DISENGAGE - all the way!
SD is the ringleader here and friend is willingly along for the ride. In a way, friend sounds like she was raised correctly by sending the thank you gift, but has allowed SD to corrupt her good manners with an intentional snub by leaving you off it - that is purely SD's influence. That cancels out the act of thankfulness, IMO.
I think that completely letting the matter drop is better than a "polite sting" in a note. Seeing a "sting" will let them both know their arrows hit the mark.
Silence, however, will only let them guess as to whether their efforts were in vain. I'd rather they be scratching their heads than gleefully laughing at how they got my goat.
I agree with this. It goes
I agree with this. It goes hand in hand with the best revenge is to live well. Continue living well and make them wonder what you are up to.
First off, the basket was a "thank you", although it missed it's mark. Anna does not need to send a thank you for a thank you, as someone mentioned above. Sending a response just gives them the satisfaction of getting to you. For all they know, you didn't even see it when it was delivered.
This girl is still young and may grow up some, but I wouldn't bet on it. Best to stay in the periphery.
Me three.
Me three.
Wait a minute...the gift was
Wait a minute...the gift was in itself a thank you to,DH. Since when do folks send thank you's for thank you's.
It would be petty to even relatiate. Just simply be unavailable for slave duty from now on. If they want you to be evil...just do it.
SMF, LOL ... that's exactly
SMF, LOL ... that's exactly what I thought, too! Why should SHE send a thank you note for a thank you gift TO HER HUSBAND!
This reminds me of something
This reminds me of something that happened to my brother. He went to visit my uncle and his girlfriend "Beth".. well, he gets off the plane with "hostess gift" in hand with a little card that says "thanks Uncle Bob and Beth".
Well, imagine his surprise when it is Uncle Bob's new girlfriend "Enid".. he had to rip the bottom of the card off really fast!
Maybe for whatever reason the guest knew DH from a long time.. and was used to addressing things to him? I am not sure I would try to read too much into it. There may have been no ill intent. Either way, no response is needed.
SD probably told her friend
SD probably told her friend it's the Housekeeper...
see housekeepers get paid, they don't get thank you gifts.. the host does...who's fault is this.. DH's for never standing up for OP and leave his brat under the impression OP is the house keeper all the years
This exact type of passive
This exact type of passive aggression is going on with DH and myself right now.
OSS58 and DIL live out of State. Since we have moved, two States away, OSS and DIL have sent two nice gift baskets to our home, via SGD32, who lives a few miles from us. OSS has had SGD deliver them for him, which is fine with me, no problem.
The problem: SGD32 texts DH and quote "I will come by today, I have a surprise for you Grandpa". Then SGD32 shows up at the door. I answer the door and she pops through and says to me "I have a gift basket from OSS58 for Grandpa." There is a card on the basket and we open it and it is addressed to both DH and myself. One basket was from a meat market, and the other basket was from a local candy factory (very expensive baskets). SGD32 fills the baskets at OSS58's list; she has stated as much. Therefore she also has the card done up, per OSS's instructions.
This is nothing but passive aggression towards me, when SGD makes the statements in front of DH and tries to make it sound like a gift for DH only. I ignore it and love the gifts. I always send a thank you to OSS58 and DIL and express our appreciation.
I do not expect my DH to say anything about these immature aggressions. SGD32 and SD56 (mother/daughter) are teamed up to make me look like I don't belong and have been for years. The real bottom line, my DH knows what they are doing. I handle both these toxic women as needed.
For 30+ years my SD56 has treated me the same as you are being treated. She has never accepted DH and my marriage. It is her problem and it took me years to realize she has passed this narcissism on to my SGD.
Just ignore it and disengage as much as possible from this SD. It usually does not get better, no matter how much you do for her. Just do less and less, until you are free.