Am I being unreasonable??
I am SM to SD who is now 7(they seperated when SD was 1). BM refuses to let DH see her. For 2 years DH called very week and BM answered maybe once every 2 months. Everytime he asks to see SD BM has an excuse or says she has to check her schedule then never calls back. A couple months later she'll send an email saying he really needs a relationship with SD and they need to work together. Every time, DH falls for it and as soon as he wants to see SD BM starts the same cycle by calling him a shitty parent and tells him he's neglecting his kid. He hasnt seen his daughter since 08 or spoken to her since Veterans Day 2010. We have decided that BM only wants to control DH and are done playing her games. He doesnt call anymore, he doesnt beg to see his kid anymore, he doesnt buy plane tickets that never get used anymore,(this started 09). What we agreed on was sending a card on holidays and a small gift on b-day and xmas, that way she knows we love her and havent forgotten about her. We used to send huge boxes but we'd never get a call saying they were recieved, some gifts would be tossed, and sometimes BM would tell SD they were from her not DH.
Now this is where the conflict is...
We agreed to put something small in the card(beause he wanted to send more than a card since she was too young to read) like a pack of stickers or a toys r us gift card, something that actually fits in the card. I'm notoriously cheap and I feel its stupid to spend $3 on a chocolate bunny or heart and $5 to ship it. Also, its never a small gift. If I agree to a small gift it becomes a small gift basket. We agreed to send a barbie for xmas and b-days and it's never just a barbie. It becomes a barbie, one of barbies friends, and some type of accessory. I feel his daughter deserves to have gifts, however, if we never know that she gets them I dont see the point in spending so much money. I also feel that BM should get the idea that if she wants SD to get good, top dollar gifts she should allow a relationship w/o all the bs...
So this is what happened for valentines day... DH says to me I want to go friday after work to the store to get SD a card. I say OK sounds good. So friday comes and he calls me at lunch time and says hes going to go to the store now so he can get the card in the mail in hopes of her getting it on monday. Instantly I feel like something is odd. DH comes home after work and theres a card, a pack of stickers, an M&M's puffed heart plastic thing which is about the size of a baseball, and one of those large bubble pack envelopes. Our conversation went like this..
Me: WTH is this?
DH: it's Sd's vday gift
Me: I thought we agreed that it would fit inside the envelope.
DH: thats why I bought the Yellow envelope
Me: You cant ship that big heart in an envelope. Now you're going to have to get a box and it's going to cost a lot more. Why didnt you just get a gift card or stick a $5 in it?
DH: I'm not sending cash! I just won't mail it!
Me: Well you bought it. It's wasteful not to mail it now and you already wrote enjoy your M&M's in the card. Why didnt you point out the stickers in the note? Why did you feel the need to do this behind my back? THis isnt what we agreed on and you know damn well buying a larger envelope to accomodate what you buy isnt what we agreed on.
DH: I just wanted to get MY daughter something for valentines day.
Me: And the stickers arent something?
DH: (stupid look)
ME: FINE! Get her what ever the hell you want! Dont ask for MY input on ANYTHING for her EVER again! It's obviously YOUR daughter and YOU'RE going to do whatever the hell you want anyhow! My opinion obviously doesnt matter when it comes to her!
Now it's like this every friggin holiday. I'm sick of it. I don't know how to not look like the bad guy. I dont know what to do. Am I the one being unreasonable? Should I just let him spend $50 easter, v-day, halloween, presidents day, and every other holiday? He has an older son by a previous wife and we never have this issue with him.
Why is there no court ordered
Why is there no court ordered visitation?
I think you are being a
I think you are being a little unreasonable. It's not as if he is spending 1000.00 here-and you would be amazed at what one can fit inside one of those big yellow envelopes. Let him spend a few bucks on his daughter-even if you dont know that she gets them-if it makes your dh feel good why not let him do it?
There is court ordered
There is court ordered custody agreement. He is military, the visitation was ordered from a court in a state that neither of them now live in. We have called numerous police departments, courts, and attorneys. However, since the custody agreement doesnt say you must have your visitation by x time on x day its not "techincally" enforcible. It's a stupid loophole and being that he's military we'd have to get the agreement ammended every 2-3 years when we change states, and we'd still have to take her to court every single time she denied visitation and with the amount he pays in child support its not something we can afford.
Does he pay CS? How far away
Does he pay CS?
How far away does she live?
You went off on him for buying a plastic heart of M&Ms???? All because IT COST TOO MUCH TO SHIP???
Are you nuts? Yes, let him do what he wants to send his daughter a Valentine, even spend $5 on postage.
Gads.
He pays $991 every month in
He pays $991 every month in CS. Her mother has moved to 4 different states since 05 and we have lived in 3, getting ready to move again. So am I nuts? No more than you are out of line with that comment. When you add up all the holidays they make cards for with b-day and xmas we easily spend over $1000 a month. That might work in your house, but on a military budget its a real stretch. The point isnt just the money, its really the fact that we agree on one thing and he goes behind my back to do something completely different EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I apologize for asking if
I apologize for asking if you're nuts.
Your question was "Am I being unreasonable?"
I think telling DH he can't send his daughter M&Ms and stickers for valentines day when he hasn't talked to her in a year is unreasonable.
Why doesn't he talk to his CO and get help enforcing the Court Order?
You're right. Complaining
You're right. Complaining about $5 is stupid but if I agree on $5 he'll spend $20. It's one of those give an inch, take a yard things. I've also told him if you want to send chocolate, gifts, etc. to please buy it online and look for free shipping codes. Every single holiday it's the same conversation. I do SO many things to save money and I get SO frustrated that when it comes to SD none of it matters. When we supposebly agreed to send something every holiday, which was my idea, it was supposed to be something small that fit in the card, maybe $5 total. I want her to get the idea that she's loved and that daddy hasnt forgotten about her, not that every time she hears from daddy theres a gift attached, if she even gets what he sends.
Sounds like maybe he just did
Sounds like maybe he just did not think about the problem of shipping ahead of time. HE COULD HAVE SENT HER MORE IN A GIFT CARD IF HE HAD NOT HAD THE MAILING EXPENSE. Lots of guys hate when they screw up but next time around he will remember.
I agree you are being a
I agree you are being a little unreasonable. A pack of m&m's is not $100. If you send a card plus a few cheap items each holiday, how does that equal $1000 a year? Plus the cost of mailing something is by weight. A box would cost more than the envelope. I send things to my nephew/nieces all the time. I actually send boxes with stuff-toys, clothes and haven't paid more than $12 for postage. I understand him paying a high amt in cs and you not agreeing with him spending more on her than you should, but a $2 card, $1 stickers and some m&m's isn't something to argue about. My only suggestion would be for dh to get her some little things from the dollar store where everything is a dollar. Or go after the holidays and buy things for next year. Like maybe go now to buy next year's vday gift because it'll be on clearance. Then just keep them in a box out away. But, yeah, m&m's...? There has to be more to the story, right?
I think you're being
I think you're being unreasonable. I'd agree with you if he were sending her an ATV, but I think if he wants to get her something, say, $100 and it's not something she'll rarely use, I think you should let it go.
Just let him make her a box
Just let him make her a box of stuff to send on holidays if you help him you can make suggestions that will keep the cost down if its about the money.
I would strongly recommend
I would strongly recommend going back to court and having DH get an enforceable long distance plan in place.
ROUGH DRAFT
Dad will purchase an airline ticket for child and mom will be responsible for getting the child to/from the flight on her end. Dad has the option of picking up the child at Mom's residence. Dad must provide Mom with the flight information (or times for pick-up/drop-off) no less than 14 days in advance. Dad will get child on the following dates:
Even Years
Spring Break: from the morning after the last day of school until Noon on the day before school resumes
Labor Day: from the evening after the last day of school until 5pm on the day before school resumes
Odd Years
Thanksgiving: from the evening after the last day of school until 5pm on the day before school resumes
Memorial Day: from the evening after the last day of school until 5pm on the day before school resumes
All Years
Christmas: 9am on December 28 -- 5pm the day before school resumes
Summer: 3 weeks (21 days) each summer until child is 10; five weeks (35 days) each summer once child is 10 years old; Dad will have first choice of weeks on even numbered years; in odd numbered years, Mom may choose 4 weeks prior to Dad choosing his weeks as long as she informs him by March 1st. Dad must inform Mom by April 1st which weeks he will use.
Since Dad does not have a relationship with his daughter, a graduated plan needs to happen first. For the first 4 months of visitation, Dad will visit 1 weekend each month in daughter's community. 1st month: 9am-5pm Sat & Sun; 2nd month: 9am-9pm Sat and Sun; 3rd/4th month 9am Sat -- 9pm Sun; after 4 visits in her community, the above plan starts.
Deployable
If Dad gets orders to deploy, he may visit for 3 days with his daughter prior to deploying by informing the Mom of his orders and date of deployment. The visit shall take place in the two weeks prior to deployment.
Virtual Parenting
While Dad is not deployed, he gets weekly Skype sessions with daughter. Skype times will be as agreed upon by parents; if an agreement cannot be reached than Skype times will be between 6pm-7pm on Sundays.
While Dad is deployed, he gets Skype sessions as available from his post. Mom shall make the child available to speak with Dad at least once a week.
This plan will not have to be redone everytime a parent moves as a long-distance plan in a long-distance plan. If either parent is currenly living in the jurisdiction of the court that has the current orders, you can file there; otherwise he'll need to file in the court where the child is currently living.
If he gets to develop a relationship with his daughter, the arguments over mailing m-n-ms won't be necessary.
Best of Luck!
He actually did buy her a
He actually did buy her a power wheels ATV and BM decided it was from Santa instead of him.
I think my rant missed the point. This isnt specifically about Valentines Day. This is EVERY holiday. Every holiday they make a card for she gets something in the mail and every single time we argue because he sends something more. I dont see why she needs more than what fits in the card. The whole point was since you dont get to see her let her know youre thinking of her and hopefully she gets her cards. When we send boxes we run a higher risk of the crazy BM opening the gift and saying its from her not DH.
Like
Like
BAMBAM - I get your point of
BAMBAM - I get your point of this completely - IT IS NOT THE MONEY PEOPLE - even though reading through this blog it would piss me off as well that he sends almost a $1,000.00 for CS and BM is a total controlling bitch who won't let him see his kid - so while you are trying to save you are getting frustrated that he is GOING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND LYING TO YOU AND GETTING MORE THAN WAS AGREED UPON - so don't listen to anyone who is telling you that $5.00 is not that much - it is that much especially if it could be that BM is throwing away the cards which I think she is - so don't ever send money because she will keep the money and not tell SD about it.
This whole problem is a trust issue with you because your DH is lying to you and being sneaky - so NO YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE AT ALL - in a relationship if you start to lose trust in your partner it becomes very difficult to make the relationship work and you are absolutely right - there are so many freaking holidays and special days and retail crap involved that yes it can break you - so take it from a voice of reason who is seeing what your vent is really about - yes DH screwed up by lying to you and not sticking to the plan - sorry you have to deal with this shit!!!! Good luck!!!
Okay, is it just me or am I
Okay, is it just me or am I missing something? First of all, regarding visitation and your DH not being able to see his daughter. Being that I am prior military (actually my ex is in the military still) you have FREE legal aid. Why hasn't your DH contacted them about enforcing visitation? DH can enforce visitation but he just can't wait every few months/years to see and talk to her. He needs to go back to court and have the visitation enforced. The BM has no right doing what she is doing, however no one is doing anything about it.
Now let's get to the conflict...Yes you are being unreasonable. I hate to sound so harsh but if your DH is not doing for his daughter and then decides he wants to do something for her (even though you might not agree with) then what is the problem? I could possibly understand if he was sending hundreds of dollars in the mail but c'mon. I think it's a bit ridiculous to get upset. You are not punishing the BM but only punishing the daughter.
I'm sorry but it sounds like a relationship with his daughter is not his "top" priority because he can get it fixed so he can see her but letting months and years go by is really bad. Regardless if the BM makes excuses, it sounds like you guys are putting all the blame on the BM. It takes two.
Okay for everyone telling me
Okay for everyone telling me about Legal Aid/ JAG/ CO
The attornies for JAG/Legal Aid are not licensed to practice state law. Custody is governed by state law. When you call them they will tell you flat out they do not deal in family law. If you need a will or tax attorney they can help. Calling the CO is only good if you are supposed to be receiving child support and the soldier doesnt pay, they will immediately garnish their wages.
On that note, We did talk to an attorney in 08 before DH got deployment orders. BM lived in Texas at the time so we spoke to an attorney in Texas. He told us that the custody agreement wasnt specific enough and not enforcable in Texas. It said he gets her every other weekend and so many weeks out of the summer but it doesnt say that she needs to have her here by x time on x day. He told us the solution was to take her back to court to get a new ammended order that was specific. THE REASON WE DID NOT was because when we asked him "is this going to make us be able to call the police to have it enforced when she flakes out" he told us NO, YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE HER BACK TO COURT IF/WHEN SHE VIOLATES THE ORDER, EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE VIOLATES IT AND IF SHE MOVES HE'LL HAVE TO GET A NEW ORDER IN THAT STATE. Now I dont know about you guys but we dont have the money to drag her to court every other stinking week when she has PMS, or doesnt answer the phone for months, or put her on the plane , or allow a visit. DH is not a dead-beat dad who only wants to see his kids when its convient. He literally begged her for 8 months to see his his daughter. When enough was enough he looked into taking legal action.