Am I a bad person
Hello, I am new to this site and found it after doing some searches to see if I am the only person who feels like I do...I'm a 38 year old mother of two biological children myself..my son is in the military and is almost 20 and my daughter is 17 and will be 18 in 5 months. My husband has twin boys who are almost 8 that he has had custody of since they were about 1 since their mother was a crack head. I have been with the boys since they had just turned 3. I knew what I was getting myself into I guess when we started dating and my kids were already 15 and 13 and his were just turning 3..but I love their dad so much that I thought that I could handle starting all over again and raising little ones again. It hasn't been all bad, they are very rowdy and wild twins...one is on ADHD medication but still seems to ping off the walls sometimes..and they just don't act like my kids did at this age at all. Mind you..the twins are 8 now..but, they are no better behaved now than they were when I met them at 3. Their dad disciplines them, but they are back to doing the same thing 3 minutes later. I work a full time job, my daughter and my niece who is 17 live in our house also...they drive themselves to school and pretty much you never know they are there unless they happen to be playing their radio loud..my husband never has to take them anywhere, do anything for them, go out of his way in any way for them...yet, i get the twins up every morning for school, drive them to school, go to work, get home, cook dinner, laundry, help them w/ homework, go to every sports function they have..my husband also coaches their baseball and football teams..so i am the team mom also...and I'm expected on my day off or a snow day to have to take care of them also...they do have a mother..she lives 10 minutes down the road and is better now. She gets them every other weekend and one night on the opposite week and I find myself longing for those days when they are gone...they drive me insane when they are here...always fighting, wrestling, hitting the walls, they can't just act like normal people...and I feel horrible for feeling this way because I do love them...I guess maybe my kids were just exceptionally good kids..I don't know..I've tried to raise the twins the same as I did mine..but I find myself lately just resenting them. I love my husband so much and can't stand the thought of us not being together..but I'm not sure I can do this for another 10 years till they are grown...Please help me. I am not their mother...but their dad acts like I should be...is that wrong of me?
Speaking from my own
Speaking from my own experience, it is hard to have the same kind of bond with skids that you do with your own children. Have you tried to talk to DH and let him know that you are having trouble being their mom? My DH didn't understand that I didn't feel a close connection to his daughter. He expected that since I love him, I should love SD15 as much as I do my own daughter. The resentment you feel is normal, but can fester if you don't talk to DH. Maybe family counseling? Maybe retire from being team mom? Do more things for yourself and focus on your well being first.
You sound like you are doing
You sound like you are doing too much. You need to disengage a little here. You can stop doing so much and force your DH to step up. They may not be great kids for you, but they are his kids and he needs to be responsible for them.
Just stop doing so much and you may find you stop resenting them a little. You raised your kids and your niece, no one says you have to start all over again. You do what you want and what you are comfortable doing, the rest you leave to DH. Once I started doing less and less, my feelings of resentment diminished. They are still there, but they are not as bad.
How do you do less when you
How do you do less when you are the one who is left with them? Example~today, we are snowed in at home..I couldn't get to work this morning and all the kids are out of school..my husband left for work at 5am, did not ask me if I was trying to go in to work today or anything..just left and I was awakened by the boys screaming and wrestling at 6:50 this morning and then realized hey, he didn't even take them to his Mom's or their mom's or ask me for that matter if I was going to work and where they would need to be taken to if I did go in. It's just assumed that I will do whatever it is that needs to be done for them. After them screaming, wrestling and fighting this morning and me fixing them breakfast and trying to get them to quiet down cause the girls were still asleep one of them bit the other one over a stupid game controller..I told their dad when he called home at break that I was upset about him not asking me and he acts like he is mad at me for even saying that...I am suppose to want to take care of them he said. I guess the part that bothers me is because he is a wonderful husband and dad, but he has never had to do anything for my kids. I was the one who drove them back and forth to see their dad who lives four hours away...I am the one who has paid all their bills and taken care of them, given them money, unless you count that he pays the house payment and electric bills...I even buy all his boys clothes and stuff..I've always treated them the same as mine, if I bought mine something I bought his something...but he and my daughter fight like crazy...My daughter is a little spunky with him and I don't condone that...but other than the occasional tift with her..he only see's my kids in passing so what does he have to complain about I guess is my point.
It sounds like you have set
It sounds like you have set the status quo and now want out. Correct me if I am wrong. But, it sounds like you came in 5 years ago and started taking care of everything and now want to back off.
Nothing wrong with that, but it will be hard to make your DH understand after this long. He is going to be upset and accuse you of not liking his kids. You will have to stand firm in tell him it is not that, but your kids are basically raised and you want him to help A LOT more in raising HIS kids. Then you start to slowly dis engage. It may be a process because it sounds like you do it ALL and have for a long time. Good luck.
Not trying to be a jerk, but
Not trying to be a jerk, but I am going to tell you the same thing that I tell my DH when he complains about how BM acts.... You created that monster. You set the stage for your DH's behavior and expectations as far as what he expects you to do for HIS kids.
Now with that said, I think you are going to have to have a heart to heart with your DH and tell him exactly that. That you are starting to resent doing everything for everyone. And ask him how HE would feel if you had the same expectations of him when it came to YOUR kids.
If my DH ever told me that "I was supposed to take care of his kids" we would be having a MAJOR discussion. When you said your wedding vows, I can bet money that you did not vow to take care of his kids, be a "mother" to his kids etc. It's one thing when you do things to be nice, but it's a very different thing when the nice things that you do become expectations.
I think most stepparents go
I think most stepparents go through a time like this. Finding a balance between what you should do and what you can do isn't easy. I found myself doing everything last year and I didn't realise I couldn't do it until I nearly lost the plot. Everything you've said is completely legitimate and normal. You're taking care of too wild eight year old twins, it doesn't sound like a picnic.
The best thing to do is talk to your husband, and tell him how you're feeling. I feel like I repeat this a lot but it's sound advice; don't focus on the flaws or poor behaviour of your stepkids when you speak to him, focus on the feelings you're having. The boys sound rambunctious and my stepson has driven me to the bathroom in tears before too, but it doesn't sound like you're frustrated with the behaviour nearly as much as frustrated with your husband's absence and the expectations put on you (by your husband and yourself).
The first issue to sort is getting your husband to take more domestic responsibility of his kids. Explain to your husband where you are. Tell him you've been looking for advice about this because you're so concerned about the affect it's having on you. Tell him you need to draw a line between what is required of you as a stepparent and what is required of you for yourself. That you can't continue in the situation if it carries on, and it is beginning to make you resent your stepchildren, which scares you because you love them. There is a way to solve this, but only if he understands where you are, and for that to happen you need to be honest.
Suggest solutions: Cut out your involvement with the sport, that can be their thing to do with dad, you don't need to be there. Claim your days off - if you had something already organised and couldn't watch them, what would happen? Would your husband hit the roof or work something else out? The same goes for going out in the evenings, or having me time. If you asked your husband to take responsibility of the boys each wednesday and thursday how would he respond?
The second issue is the behaviour. If you don't feel like the punishments work, discuss this with your husband. Maybe the way you both discipline the boys needs to change if it isn't working. If you feel they need help managing the ADHD discuss this with your husband and make sure is well aware of your concerns. Press on him if you think they need outside help, but whatever you do, make it his responsibility.
I hope some of this is helpful to you. I think what you're feeling is really common of stepparents trying to find a role in our home that suits everyone, and its takes years to get right. This isn't just a stepparent thing either, remember that he's trying to fit his family together too, and the only way to do it is by changing things when they don't work.
Delilah
www.howtolivewithaliens.blogspot.com