almost a SM need advice
Hi everyone, new to the forums and hoping to get some great advice from all of you wonderful step parents out there. I just have a few questions. My BF and I will be engaged shortly ( he is legally separated and the divorce is only a few weeks at the latest of being finalized just waiting for the courts to get done with the paper work) anyway, and he has a wonderful 3 year old daughter whom not only do I love to bits she loves me too... but there are some problems... my BF has yet to clearly defined my boundaries with her, like what exactly he expects me to be engaged with. He does not step in when discipline needs to be in place and I feel uncomfortable sometimes because I don't want to "do it wrong". I also get frustrated with him because he let's her get away with a lot and I know it's not my place to say anything its his daughter he can discipline or rather he asks her if she wants a time out and then gives her what she wants or doesn't discipline and just gives in right away. So that can be frustrating because that's not how I see it should be done. How do we work past this? What SHOULD my roles be? Another issue is...the last several months she has been very clingy to me...for instance she wants ME to read her bedtime stories she wants to cuddle with ME when we say a prayer, she wants ME when she gets hurt... I know this upsets my BF as he wants to spend time with her and she wants me all the time... I back off often now and tell him to step in but he won't he will just leave the room and leave us which I don't think is the right move. How do I handle this?
I'm really looking forward to being a step mother (I don't have children of my own) And being a positive influence on her lie and a great role model. I'd you can give me any other advice that would be great, thank you!
Well, this could go several
Well, this could go several different ways. First off, what do YOU want your role to be? Do you WANT to "parent"? Or do you want more of a "favorite aunt" type role, where you get all the fun stuff but none of the responsibility? Once you know what YOU want, then you talk to your BF about it. "Hey, I've been thinking about my role in SD's life, and here's what I think...." Then talk about it. Does he want you to discipline? Babysit? Make her eat her veggies? Fine, if that's what YOU want to do, but if you don't then you've got to get him to back off. In other words, your role will be only what BOTH OF YOU are comfortable with. If he doesn't want you to parent, you don't. If you don't want to babysit, you don't. But figure that out before you get married, and make sure whatever your role is that it's one you'll be comfortable wearing for the next 15 (or more) years. Don't jump into "parenting" because you feel you can do it better than he can - that is a recipe for utter disaster.
Maybe sign up to a parenting
Maybe sign up to a parenting class together in order to work out the boundaries? You certainly have the right idea to think about all this sort of stuff before committing to engagement. Good for you.
There are so few success
There are so few success stories in step-parenting that my advise to prospective step-parents is to RUN. Read some of the stores you'll find here and you will note that the problem your husband has is quite common. Wait until the child is older and no so easily controlled and imagine what your problem with your husband will be like then.
"Disaster" is the correct word used above to describe what you're about to get in to. Your biography is blank so I'm assuming at this point you have no children. If you insist on entering into the marriage please don't have children for at least 2 years so see if this situation works for you. There is no point in bring another child into a future broken home.
Two further things: Having a child doesn't fix anything in a marriage - it makes it a thousand times worse. Second remember he's a ex for a good reason. One woman already decided he's not worth keeping and contrary to popular thinking she's probably not crazy.
I say 3 years before kids -
I say 3 years before kids - exDH and I were at 2.5 of marriage and he ended it. I am so happy we did not have a child together.
OCC has some pretty good advice and I totally agree with him.
Ally Skoo's advice was spot
Ally Skoo's advice was spot on.
Also, before getting married you should live together first. You really don't get to know someone until you live with them.
Date a LONG time before moving in together, and live together a LONG time before getting married. The last thing you want to do is move too quickly and then regret your decision. If it's right, there's no rush, right?
For a lot of women on here, the situation changed when they got married. Many were victims of bait and switch. They found that their DH talked a good game, but didn't live up to many of his promises. Or in some cases, the BM went crazy when they got married and started causing problems.
At any rate, the best course of action is to take things slow.
Studies show that living
Studies show that living together proves very little. Statistically people that live together and then marry are more likely to divorce not less likely.
Of course many factors can enter that formula, religion, cohesiveness of parents life etc. But still if shacking up is a option then statistically you're more likely to divorce.
Children are better off in school and socially if they're living in a single person home as opposed to having a step-parent. Again statistically you'll be doing this kid no favor by getting involved.
If Daddy were here I would tell him to not bring a woman into the home. Date, go on trips etc., but don't bring a outside woman into the child's life until after they've graduated.
A toddler at this age goes
A toddler at this age goes through a phase of wanting to be held or helped or whatever by the opposite parent if that makes any sense. Like if she is attached more to more from the beginning during the phase shell reach out for dad to help her or vice versa. I read it online as one of the milestones they go through so that one is not that big of a deal.
I think it's important for
I think it's important for two people getting married to be on the same page as far as parenting is concerned. For blended families it is detrimental that the two people be on the same page as far as parenting. And I don't mean, oh, he says he'll be more strict about bedtimes because I asked him too. I mean, his parenting style MUST be pretty close to yours naturally, without you saying anything, or you're looking at lots of fireworks in the future.