Adult Step Mom with difficult Step-Mom of my own-
I am 28 years old and have 2 bio daughters and a step son- all ages 5 and under- Despite a ROCKY start I have a very good relationship with my Step Son's bio mother. We recognize the importance of having a united front in raising him and because he is so young and has some medical issues, we talk nearly everyday to check in- the custody is 50/50- I also have a good relationship with my ex- we communicate well and also share 50/50 with my girls.
My dad left when I was 13- no joint custody- not even scheduled weekend visits. He was still active in my life, but I never stayed at his house as a child, he would spend a few hours with me and go home to his new wife and her young child- They have very strong views regarding my relationship with my step son- insisting that I am too "motherly" and it is going to confuse him. I am very affectionate with all of my kids. We are a hugging kind of family and I refuse to let any child to FEEL like a step child in their own home. My husband takes care of the disciplining and the potty training with him, as I have with my girls. And his bio mother is very comfortable with my role in his life- he does NOT call me Mommy, or anything of the sort... in fact he has his own name for me because when I came into his life he was only 1 and could not say my name correctly and it has kind of stuck- I think it is cute and his bio mom even calls me by that name on occassion.
Here lies the problem- I have 3 sisters, all older than I. They have all cut off ALL communication with our Dad at some point over the past 4 years for several YEARS at a time. All of the conflicts have been a result of an arguement with our step mother. She is very opinionated and believes that HER family and HER upbringing is the ONLY correct way to have a family and lets us know this on a very regular basis. At some point it has caused all of my sisters to snap and argue with my dad to the point of no longer speaking to him. My dad is very ill and aged well beyond his years. He is 51 years old and bed ridden for the most part. I have had a VERY strong relationship with my Dad over the past 7 years and with that have built a somewhat strong relationship with his wife. Yet, I can still do nothing right in her eyes. She only remembers what HER family has done for my Dad since his illness set in and seems to forget all of the nights I was at his bedside- while she was on Vacation in Italy as he was in the hospital for a month- while she had surgeries of her own and chose to recover at her mothers house, leaving my deeply depressed and very ill home alone for 8 weeks. I was the one that was there with him, not home with my kids, and my failing previous marriage... driving an hour each way after working a 10 hour day to heat up his dinner and make sure he got a shower, save- brushed his teeth... etc. And continued care for him over the past 4 years- cleaning their house, my husband doing maintainance in their home because my Dad is not able. Heck, I painted my step sisters bedroom for her while she sat in the living room and watched MTV- because my Dad asked me to.
My Step Mom has now knit picked me to a breaking point and I had a major meltdown- I lost my cool. I admit my presence has been less over the past 6 months, but I don't want a replay of my first marriage where I am taking care of him while my marriage is going south. I don't want to miss precious time with my kids. He is FAR more stable now and does not need daily care as he did 3 years ago, why is it ALL my responsibilty? I can't help the fact that my sisters won't visit- they refuse to be in the same room with her as she has ridiculed them for so long they don't want to put themselves through the agony. My Dad is furious with me and she will not "FORGIVE ME" because I have said hurt ful things about her. Yes I did... but I am wondering if this was her ultimate goal- getting ALL of his daughters out of his life so her family can be the heros, as well as the only name in his will- currently it is ME and MY STEP MOM- I have received nasty emails from her sisters and mother telling me what a horrible person I am- my Dad and I seem to be okay after a 4 hour talk over margaritas two nights ago, but everytime she gets upset about it, they fight then my Dad is mad at me all over.
When does the evil step mother role go away- I am too old to have to deal with this.... I have humbled myself as much as humanly possible since my verbal meltdown- apologized to my Dad, to her family (who had nothing to do with the arguement, but I hurt their sisters feelings so they are now involved) I would apologize to her but she is not accepting my phone calls... WHAT TO DO????
Well daddysgirl...I kind of
Well daddysgirl...I kind of use to do the same thing as you...help everyone out so much that I got overwhelmed. While I know your dad was ill, and I can't believe his wife was on vacation and not taking care of her husband, you did do the right thing by taking care of him. With that said...you definitely need to balance out all areas of your life, that way, you aren't losing marriage #2. You need to take care of your garden, before you take care of everyone else's.
It sounds like your dad's health is doing better, so the answer to your questions "Why is it all my responsibility?" b/c you are accepting it. Based on your post, your sm is guilting you into taking care of her husband, so she can go do the fun things in life...like take a vacation. It isn't YOUR responsibility to care for your father, while he has an able wife to do so. If she were physically/mentally disabled, well then, along with your siblings it would be your responsibility...but as it stands, it is not.
Your sm sounds very manipulative, and she's working you over too. You are trying to please a woman that sounds like she is using everyone around her. People that use people, don't care about their feelings, and they are never ever happy people...they are impossible to please. You sound like you have very strong ethics, and her guilt is working on you, b/c she has convinced you to accept responsibility to care for HER husband.
How you fix this? You realize that her opinion is just her opinion. It isn't fact, and just b/c she "thinks" one way, doesn't mean it's the law. You do what you feel you are comfortable with, you do what you can w/o putting your family out of wife/mother, and you do what you can to NOT overwhelm yourself.
When you take on so much, you get over stressed, and then everyone around you pays the price. They have an irritable daughter/wife/mother/sd/sister....whatever. I pretty confident that your dh and children deserve to have someone feeling good in their lives, and not someone who is signing up to be overwhelmed.
Take care of yourself first, then your dh and children, and then whatever is left over...then you can take care of dad. Sometimes, there isn't anything left over...and you have to say no.
Lastly, go get a massage. Spoil yourself for being such a good person, don't let yourself go unrewarded for all the compassion you have given your family...and don't wait for others to thank you. Thank yourself!
Bests,
Candice
Wow-
It is like you have been walking beside me for the past 4 years. It seems like when I am right in the middle of it, there is no other answer, but to go take care of business... then I get a minute to sit back and put things into perspective and I kick myself for letting her get the best of me.
Manipulative hits the nail on the head with her. She does have medical issues- but don't we all?? None of us are getting any younger and her acid reflux really doesn't justify me havng to blow leaves out of her back yard for her or rolling up her hose. For goodness sake- that is something my 5 year old can do... I am perplexed- I can remember my grandfather, the most loving caring kind gentle man on planet earth, pushing my grandma in a wheelchair because she was overweight and could not walk- meanwhile he was blind in one eye, had kidney dialysis 4 days a week, heart failure even after a triple bypass and waited until after my grandmother passed on before he went-so she would not have to live alone or in a retirement home. That is what true love is about-he then died of what I believe to be a broken heart- that is taking care of your spouse until the very end, and the ultimate sacrifice. And where was my Dad and his wife during all of this time? When they could have been helping my elderly grandparents as I am expected to do for my 51 year old Dad and SM- Probably at Disneyland. My Dad didn't even speak to my grandmother for 7 years, then she passed away- all due to an arguement with my STEPMOTHER. She has set a very predictable pattern here. I just don't understand why my Dad can't see it.
Thank you for your reality check- I will indeed go get that massage and while I am at it I think I will take my family to Disneyland! They deserve the incentive for putting up with me all these years. Venting felt better than I ever thought it would.
You are so welcome!
I'm glad you feel better by venting. We all need reminders at times, and b/c we are caregivers, we forget about our own sanity way too often.
As far as your dad, I would do your best to treat all your sm's words like water on a ducks' back, and just do what you can to maintain your relationship with your dad. He won't be around forever, and you will really regret missing out on years of a relationship b/c of what sm said. Your dad probably knows that she is not a nice person, but maybe he is with her b/c he is afraid of being lonely. He would rather be with her, then living alone. Sometimes the thought of living alone really scares people. It's sad, b/c she is alienating all his family, and eventually he will be lonely. Just ignore her, and just love your dad the best way he can.
I'm really glad you are getting your massage! You deserve it!
Bests,
Candice