Ugh- I am going through this with my SS too--my SD's aren't too bad usually--(they aren't teens yet LOL) but my SS refused to apologize...or when he is told to...uhm-- he was told to so its not REAL and he doesn't give a fuck..so I told him tonight to not even fake apologize to me.

I have to learn to start ignoring---their father does a great job of that--and they usually snap out of their shit fits when he does it...

We all need to pray for each other...or have some Step parent of the month, year, decade award ceremony of who puts up with the most bullshit..between skids, Bio parents/ex's and who knows what else!

Get another counselor. Skids need to realize the consequences of their actions as all other people do. This attitude is why so many skids fail in life. Their behavior has been excused instead of changed.

I have never heard of such advice. We don't bow to kids when they test us, allowing hurt over and over, not even our own. We show them we have boundaries and they have to have them too. We (if DH or DW don't) show that we are to be respected and that we respect them too. We don't love our skids unconditionally -that's some 'big book of psychology' BS. These are random ass kids that come with the person we love and if things are good, we learn to like and love them but it's not unconditional. That was a simple-minded assumption by the Counselor to think that's what skids even want. They want that from their own parents and step parents are a wedge as far as they can see. We signify -esp if we're the first significant relationship after their parents split- the finality of their previous family structure. They see us as the 'start' of something new in their Parents life & they don't have any control over it so they act out.

They test us to see how much they can get away with; we become a tool of manipulation. They test us to see how much they can make us take in hopes that we'll leave so they can get their parent back to themselves. They test us to see how much their Parent 'loves them' by trying to compete. All kinds of crap but I don't know one yet that want our unconditional love. Lol

SS8 could care less about me being around. I'm the one who sets rules, shuts down his mess and makes him pay consequences so he is happy when I'm not around.

This is the same type of garbage that my former-SD’s therapist was spewing and trust me, it does not work. All it taught SD was that she could get anyway with anything and her father bending over backwards to make her like him and made him feel even more guilty and causes fights between us because I wouldn’t do what the therapist said.

There is no reason even parents need to put up with their kids treating them with disrespect and hateful behavior. A parent’s job is preparing their children for the real world and if in the real world you treat someone horribly and are disrespectful, they aren’t going to ignore it or give you a second chance. These kids are going to end up in jail.

What my former SD needed was to be taught how to behave like a civilized person, how to treat people and that she is a child, not an adult and she is not allowed to make adult decisions.

But her therapist was completely undermining parental authority by turning everything that should have been taught to her by telling her dad to ignore her behavior and telling him to give her special treatment even when she was being hateful to him and not doing what she was told.

She showed no unconditional love towards her father. She constantly told him how much she hated him (and me) and treated us horribly. Yet, she complained about how terrible we were to her. Well, duh! You treat people like that, what do you expect?

Kids are never held accountable for their bad behavior anymore. It’s always someone else’s fault, or ADHD or their parent’s divorce or BM abandoning them. It’s never their fault.

Former SD had a bad childhood, but no one ever held her accountable for her behavior or ever even punished her for it and therapists like these idiots were a major reason.

When she was living with her BM and BM’s psycho boyfriend, her behavior was just as bad and she loves pushing people’s buttons. A few time she misbehaved to the point that the boyfriend completely lost it and beat the crap out of her and he was arrested for abuse and doing other things primarily to her older half-sister. But SD's behavior has been always so out of line that I can see how someone who is very mentally unstable could be provoked into hitting her.

In most previous generations, parents would have beat the crap out of a child who mouthed off the way former SD does. They wouldn’t be going to jail for it.

And she’s never learned. She would cuss her dad and me out and then her dad would walk on eggshells to deal with her because her therapist spewing all the crap about building trust, testing boundaries and unconditional love.

What that hateful little bitch needed to know what that she truly is unlovable if she acts like and she deserves to be treated the way she treats other people. The hell with unconditional love. Even her BM didn’t want anything to do with her because of the way she acted.

Well, I think the counselor's statement makes some sense.
Do we only allow our spouse 1 or 2 times to hurt us? No. I can say that unequivocally because posters on here bitch about their SO over and over and over and over again. And then some more.
So, if we are willing to be hurt repeatedly by them, who are *presumably* adults, why would we then not extend that to minors who are still learning appropriate behaviors and boundaries?
Additionally, if you think your biokid(s) won't hurt you repeatedly, you're in for some surprises. Especially when their mouths run in their teens.

The counsellor is probably someone else's SKID taking the opportunity to twist the knife a little more into a step-parent. Listen to your gut instincts. Those little SOBs aren't testing you, they want to hurt you. I've become a firm believer in detachment. It really has saved my sanity and is helping heal my battered soul.

Good luck finding a counsellor that understands step families, I haven't yet. Your skid doesn't want to know that you feel unconditional love for them, they just want you GONE. that is the sad truth.