The ABD will show his true colors soon enough and really all you need to do is be the stand up guy you already are.  Wife already put some boundaries in place, hopefully she can continue to do so when needed in the face of anything that might happen with ABD.  

SD is going to have to figure out her father on her own, bailing after the death of her brother can't be to far from her mind and she is strong enough to hold his feet to fire for it.  

It is not uncommon for married couples to loose it and fall apart following a childs death. Happens often to the best of people. It happened in my family. There is NOTHING worse than loosing a child.

So the demise of that marriage is NOT just the exhusbands. She did have part in it too.

Sir I bet your a nice guy. BUT please do not be soooo quick to label bio dad "absent" until you hear his side of the story. Men don't think like women do. Men are savers---just like you. When they hear a "story", many men will swoop in to try to fix it, save the poor 'single mom" blah blah blah. WHEN they have many years under their belt say after 50...they finally wake UP and see "single moms" for what they really are. Sorry with age does some wisdom.

Far too many men are given the title of absentee in courts theses days. Often times that title is given by the mom who is pissed off dad found someone new  AND who has made it impossible for the dad to see his kids. That is the reality of  basket of junk in Family Court. Many dads DO walk away not because they dont love their kid.

Never stand in the way of a child's inheriant bond between mom OR dad. 

PLEASE look at pattern of you getting sucked into what YOUR wife has created. TAKE care of your bio kids first. LET GO OF your wifes junk.

Sounds like she decided on some humdingers to put her shoes under the bed with. SHE didnt know about jail birds past....lolololol thats funny. Then she didnt take the necessay time TO really find out before she hooked up. Lot of people out there just like her...they care but not really. Must have been a benifit to her not realllly know about that guy.

Step back a lot and nod, smile and let them figure it out. These are not your problems to worry about. FYI very freeing to figure that out.

best wishes. Remember YOUR KIDS NEEDS, emotionally, physically present for them MUST come before this mess your wife started.

YES I am blunt...

Was he paying child support or has bio dad never paid child support and refused to appear for custody hearing ? what was dad like prior to the demise of his marriage. Was dad inside the home during the marriage giving baths, feeding the kids? Did he change diapers, dress the kids...provide for the kids?

What was your wife like during the divorce? Did she bridge the relationship between non custodial and the kids? Did she harbor feelings about dad "YOU bastard, I will show you...you left me now you wont see your kids"....OR did she tell you----I TRIED to make sure the kids were in his life,,,but ...he woulddddnttttt see the chilllldreeeeennnnn.

You have been with her for 2 years. In all fairness 4 years you were not present of the 6 you speak of. 

I totally understand your angry at me. I totally understand your defense of your wife. 

I just ask that you hear the entire story and that means dads side too.  Anything less than that to form an opinion IS not only unfair but irresponsible of you since you are in his kids lives.

Calling his wife "HIS mistress" is rude. It is his wife. Why are you harboring ill fillings for this woman ? Odd coming from a man. 

 I sincerly wish you the very best. Take it from someone who has been in this for all but 20 years----make the time to get both sides. The truth may surprise you.

I get the anger and have similar issues with exH not communicating with his kids for 8 months because he's too busy and then all of a sudden wanting bs16 for 2 weeks in the summer.  I wish he'd either have regular communication with bs or none at all. This is something I can't control though, bs and his father have their own dynamic that I don't want to be in the middle of.  

Instead of fighting for his family during a time of grief when they needed him, he chose to have an affair and run away so as not to have to face the pain. It's sad and so unfair when a child dies.  He screwed up, he knows it and wants his family back yet they moved on when he ran off. 

I commend you for being protective of your wife and SD, remember that this is SD's father and she may have unfinished business with him.  

I understand your concern. Minus the fact that he cheated I would be more concerned about his criminal background. I don’t know if I was this child’s mother that I would allow my child to see him. Probably not. Sorry your going through this. Stay strong!

Take it from someone who has been where your SD14 is right now-be supportive, be positive, listen without speaking and just be there for her as she goes through this.

Your wife is right, she IS old enough and this IS her choice to make, if not now, in the future or ever. 

But please know this-whether she and her father pick up where they left off and everything is peachy keen between them-it will NEVER undo or lessen the love and relationship she has with you. 

My dad recently rendered my life after about 10 years of estrangement-after he cheated and out the final nail in my parents’ 17 year marriage. I met my step father when I was 14. He was the only person who respected my space and put me first-and that includes my mother who at the time (and quite frankly can still be) very self-centered. 

When I started having a relationship with my bio father again, my SF felt some type of way. Now, we’ll into my twenties and a step parent myself I know that I have to make the extra effort to let him know he’s always #1 in my book. 

On chrismas I wrote him a card, telling him the reason I can be as good of a step-parent to my two skids is because of him. Her literally showed me how. He’s a big burly country bumpkin so to see him cry over that card, meant I struck the chords I wanted to strike and I remind him as often as I can that my developing relationship with my bio will never hold a candle to our relationship that he had no obligation to. 

You sound like a really good man. Don’t let this bother you. 

I agree with a lot of the previous posters that you need to give SD the chance to make a decision herself. Also be positive about the situation and take some time to check the guy out for yourself. You weren't there and only know one side of the story.

I'm sure every man that has dated my SDs BM has felt the same way about my SO regarding him being absent and needing to step up for her but I'm reality he she makes a relationship impossible. 

I will also say that it's hard bring a step parent because we often don't get the thanks we deserve even with we're doing more than the bioparent. 

I would protect the children and the wife from him. He’s bad news. Call the cops if he bothers you again.

I would approach this with hesitency as well. On one side, you aren't her bio... On the other, there's a different between bieng a bio and being a father. Unpopular opinion. But you have been acting dad in the bio's abscence. Being a parent is more than a title or genetics, it's also putting what you can into it, and you have. I know you want to protect your daughter.

I don't actually think 14 is old enough to make all her decisions. I do think she can make the choice on if she wants to start seeing him again, but based on the cirumstances, I might start out small and see how that goes before progressing earlier. Ask your SD how she would feel comfortable approaching this (if she chooses to see him). As parents your wife (and you) do have a responsibility to protect SD. You just also don't want her missing out on that relationship if it's genuinely possible right now. Approach with caution, be aware, but I wouldn't block it.