“You knew what you were getting into.”
I’ve been on this site since last summer and the help I’ve received has been immeasurable. It’s really saved my sanity!!! I don’t post often but I read your blogs almost every day. And something has recently occurred to me regarding those who think that, as stepparents, somehow we should have known better what to expect by taking on the role of SM or SF. We’ve all heard some nitwit say, “You knew he had kids when you married him,” and similar bullshit.
When I got together with my DH we had talks about his kids, who are both adults, but who are very dependent on him financially. It’s so bad that it destroyed his second marriage in less than 2 years. Of course, he blamed it on her because she was “mentally disturbed” according to DH. 
I’m not buying THAT story anymore. But, I was very frank and told him then that while I didn’t mind helping occasionally, I didn’t want him to bankrupt our future because of the help he was giving his kids financially. I guess I should have been more specific! But he agreed that he didn’t want that either.
But to get to the point here, what really happened to me (and to many of you, too) is that I went into this new relationships with expectations based on how things were at that time, only to have my world turned upside down and my life changed totally because the circumstances changed totally. For example, only a few months after our marriage, my worthless SS35 moved in with us because his sister threw him out (don’t blame her for that, btw). So now I had this hulking, immature, non-working, irresponsible adult invading my home while we were totally supporting him.
Many of you married and committed to being good step parents because, hey, even if things aren’t perfect, we can tolerate anything for a few weekends a month right? And then what happens? The ex decides that they can’t handle the brats they created or they want to find themselves, or some such crap and now all of a sudden, you are raising these kids full time.
The rules changed and we had little to no input on that decision! And while I kind of agree with the “Your kid, your problem,” attitude, doesn’t it really come down to OUR life, OUR problem? So I guess to answer my own original question; Yes, I did know he had kids. And, No, this isn’t really what I signed up for. I’m just wondering what you all think about this.
I don't know what to think
I don't know what to think about this anymore. I have heard it from all different perspectives. And it is different for me because my BFs kids are 8 and 10 years younger than me so it isn't really possible for me to be a mother figure to them, especially his 17D. I do know that when my mother married my Step Dad I was 12 and my brother was 10. He had to put up with us until we got out of the house and now it is their lives that do not involve me or my brother. So I don't believe in the line "You marry someone with kids you have to accept the package deal." Because we don't interfere in their marriage ever and know better, it seems that my generation feels more entitled but I however do not so I must be the "exception to the rule."
I saved that article Crayon.
I saved that article Crayon. I will read it often.
I've wrapped my single life around his "family life" and all his bullshit and I'm "expected" to do that.
"Hey, you need to do more 'family vacations', you need to put in face time with my family"...never once have I asked him to do it.
I'm grouchy today and its not even hormones.
I sometimes (read: often) fantasize that I'll meet a great looking, successful, single guy (no exes, no kids)...not someone I want to marry, necessarily, just someone to hang out with....which will make the decision to leave my situation an easy one.
You can't talk to people not
You can't talk to people not in the same situation unless they are empathetic. Once, when I was a single mom, I complained to my friend (since HS) of hard it was to do everything by myself. She said, "You knew what you were getting into when you chose to have her." I still remember that, 30 years later. I never confided in her about my problems, thoughts, emotions or feelings about parenthood again. She never had any kids and now I have two great daughters and a lovely GD.
People who say those things are taking the opportunity to give you a self-righteous little slap.
Wow, never thought of that
Wow, never thought of that one! Can we distribute cards with that parallel to give to people who make such superficial statements?
You never KNOW what you're getting into unless you have done it before. I don't think there are many on this site who are on their second step-marriage. Even then, it's quite ignorant to throw out general statements when you have no clue what you're talking about.
No one truly can know what
No one truly can know what they're getting into in the long run,we get into it when things seem normal.
I didn't know what I was
I didn't know what I was getting into too. I love my husband and I care about his daughter. But it is really hard to be a step parent. The kid doesn't want to listen to you because you aren't one of the bio parents. So I feel helpless. Being a step parent feels like I am a non person. I enjoy it most of the time, but there are times when I've wanted to leave. But I will never do that. I waited till my 30's to get married and I'm not letting anything ruin this! I've been married 7 years now and at times it is harder because my SD is 14 now and thinks she knows everything! lol! Typical teenage BS! She coped an attitude with me the other day and I told her knock it off! Stop being rude to me!
For the most part, I've been very happy and I do care about my SD.
I can really identify with
I can really identify with everything you've written here.
My SDs (15 and 18) were my bridesmaids, too. They turned on both me and DH (especially SD15) soon after our wedding.
I've been nothing but good to all three of his kids (I have SS12, too), and their father has seriously overindulged them all their lives.
My husband is also outwardly very educated and accomplished, but, like yours, he has no spine when it comes to dealing with his BM or his manipulative kids.
I still love the guy, but I have no respect whatsoever left for him. None. Nada. Zilch.
What happens when you're married to someone you love but don't respect? Can respect ever be regenerated, as long as love is present?
Someone on this site said it
Someone on this site said it to me once... }:)
Like I shouldn't be 'surprised' when DH wanted to spend time with his DD13. I chose to ignore her, her situation was completely different and I have done the same thing with people IRL.
My best friend said something to me that I will never forget and it changed our friendship.. I love her, always will, but if she asks anything about skid, I just say that everything is 'fine'.
NO ONE walks in your shoes. Only you know the daily struggles and how it is difficult sometimes, to not kill your DH/DW.