Desperately seekin advise
I am the step mother of my husband 3 children. 27 yr old son 14 yr old daughter and 12 yr old son. We have been married for 3 years and together for 5. I have come to my wits end as being the last to know especially when it comes to the money I help earn in our family. Over the past 6 months I've heard nothing from my husband but relief as we drew closer to October 2017 that his ex will finally have to pay her portion of the health insurance as everything is 50/50. She was given a credit from the judge of a certain amount of dollars bc he had to cash in his 401k to help pay toward the house so it wld not go back to the bank. Since he did not give any of his 401k to her this is where the credit came from. I had hum get the pemiums together to date back from what the court ordere stated to figure the amount she will need to begin to pay. After recalculatuon amd having another lawyer friend look at it she is past due her portion since december of 2016. It became a huge fight as he wont tell her nor will he tell het its due bc of his worry she will want to change things and get her way as usual. So as we pay her for a portion of her student aid until the year 2023 he doesn't want to interrupt her little perfect world and make her pay her portion that was court ordered. I am so upset and tired of him allowing her ti dictaye how things go. What do i do at this point
separate finances, get your
separate finances, get your own bank account and keep your money, no more smooching off your earnings....
you only pay a portion of house hold bills and nothing towards the children, not your children..
maybe if DH is feeling the financial pain will he do something, but he won't as long as you are paying.
Get your own bank account
Get your own bank account today!
His check pays for his truck
His check pays for his truck and the house. I pay everything else. I just can't stop paying for all the other things as well.
My YSS53 (then YSS19) had
My YSS53 (then YSS19) had become a swindler in every way. He was costing us a great amount of stress and $$$$. Long story short, DH wouldn't say "no" and wouldn't make YSS19 get off the couch and get a job; so I did.
One morning we woke up to one of our vehicles wrecked and liquor in the vehicle; driven by YSS19. I fixed a nice breakfast and all the skids and their spouses came to the table for breakfast, along with DH. YSS has never been married, thank goodness. When everyone had finished their meal; I noted that I wanted to say something to YSS. Quote: "You will NEVER drive another one of our vehicles. You will never use our telephone again (bill was over $200), you will never borrow another item from our home, you will not stay in our home, another night, without a job. This is beginning this very moment. Thank you all for your attention." I then got up and began my day without another word to anyone. My DH had to pick his jaw up from the floor; but YSS19 did move out the next morning and hasn't been back in our home since, to spend a night. My point proven; YSS53 spent 15 years in prison for fraud, ID theft, hot checks, theft and sale of employer's property, on and on. He has only been out of prison 3 years and I feel very creepy, when he stops to visit DH, which is only about twice a year for no more than an hour. I do not want him in our home, I do not trust him.
My point is: Take this into your own hands if necessary.
Good Luck; saying "no" is difficult the first time, but easier each time after. If you have joint $$$$, pay bills jointly, you have every right.
Sammigirl if the SS makes you
Sammigirl if the SS makes you feel so creepy why can't DH arrange to meet with him outside of your home? At the SD's house or a public place. Even if you have to drive DH and drop him off and pick him up. (If I remember right your DH is disabled).
Why feel creepy in your own home for even a moment?
Yes, my DH is disabled and I
Yes, my DH is disabled and I can arrange to meet any of my grown skids at any time.
YSS is a truck driver, another long story; but he travels thru the city we live, on his route. He doesn't stop only about twice a year. If there is any incident that comes up, DH knows I will stop YSS53 from coming here. We live in a different city and a new home now; he didn't even come in the house, just visited DH on the patio this past visit. I don't feel comfortable with him knowing our habits and our territory. I purposely did not tell YSS anything or show him around.
I did say to YSS53, when he left here the last visit, to call first and not drop in; thus we could meet him for lunch. I will take DH to meet him and go do some shopping while they visit. I intend to set it up, so that YSS is not coming to our home.
YSS53 agreed he would call before coming by and that it was a good idea to meet for lunch. It was all discussed in DH's presence. I have never engaged with YSS53 over the 37 years we have been together, therefore, it is easy for me to set boundaries and DH understands why, because of our past history with YSS.
Yes, he does make me feel creepy, which is something new; I never felt this way before; there's something very different about him after years in prison. He is very hardened. DH and I never discussed his last visit and DH doesn't have much confidence in YSS.
Good that you will make lunch
Good that you will make lunch plans next time SS is in town. Trust your intuition. Maybe the creepy feeling will pass. Maybe it will not. Best to listen to your gut either way.
Give him one months notice
Give him one months notice that you will no longer subsidize BM with your earnings.
Why should you pay for a stranger to live. Pick a homeless stranger or elderly neighbor and tell DH you will be supporting them instead.
Split your finances and only pay your fair portion. He can take an extra job if he wants to continue to support BM. Or sell his truck. Not your problem.
Actions speak louder than words. Do not talk about it past informing him. Just do it. Do not argue about it. Just do it. Stand firm and calm.
^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
Love the advise but trying to
Love the advise but trying to figure out your acronyms. Lol.i have told him no and it feels like it doesn't matter we paid 150 for his 14 yr old daughter to get her hair cut, bleached, and colored purple after i told him absolutly not. Thats rediculouse, but he did it anyway. I don't even pay that much to get my hair done.
HOn, if you take your money
HOn, if you take your money out of it all..... then he will quickly tell his daughter NO sorry we can't get your hair green and a cheaper saloon will be fine...
by you taking your money out of it all..... he will be forced to tell his children NO, and then they will bug BM..
You need to make a list of
You need to make a list of the bills
Divide those in half or maybe less depending on how many of his children live in the house. Do you own the home? If you don't your current system is working to his favour. All your money is going out the door and his is building equity. You should figure out a rent for living in the house. Even if the plan is not implemented, going through the process will get his attention. He can only afford that $150 haircut because of you.
I have so much to vent abt
I have so much to vent abt and have no one to talk to all of this abt and I'm just fit to be tied. Thank you.
keep on venting here, this
keep on venting here, this site is really a great source of help...
if you do not agree with something or it hurts your feelings, scroll past it and think about it, or simply ignore it
but this site saved me from killing
Without this site, I would
Without this site, I would have been serving life!
"Saved me from killing"
"Saved me from killing" .....you kill me Acra! Lol.
Yes take your money out of the mix. You say we paid for the haircut...yet you had no authority in the decision.
So without your income he would learn to say no. Or the SD14 can earn money for extras such as purple hair.
BM- Birth mother. DH- dear husband. SD- step daughter. There is a post that list the common acronyms on the site.
Yes list out all the bills and expenses. Even just starting the process may open his eyes. Also if money management is big problem then schedule an appointment with financial advisor.
Do you plan to contribute to the step kids college educations? With the present system in place you will be whether you agree or not.
Do you have your own kids to support? Any elderly parent who may need your help one day? Your own retirement and financial goals funded with regular contributions?
Maybe you don't spend that much on a hair cut....perhaps it is time you do...or if not hair....go get a lovely massage once a month at least.
Do that anyway...it is great!
You need a way to make the
You need a way to make the financial pain HIS pain, not yours. Your DH would rather you be unhappy than deal with his ex, and the current situation is working in his favor. If you would just "get over it" there would be no issue at all. So, he's turned this into a problem with you. It is NOT your problem to fix.
But you won't "get over it" because you have been put into an unfair situation in which your money is supporting his kids and his ex without your consent. Your resentment will only grow to the point where your relationship with your DH will be completely broken. And this is because HE refuses to take responsibility.
Figure out your fair share of household expenses and contribute that. And only that. Expect your DH to be angry--you are forcing him to deal with something he doesn't want to deal with and would much rather YOU make the sacrifice. He's being a selfish jerk.