what do you think? Bm's and SM's
For the last two months, we have known that next week ss starts tball, mon and wed nights for 6 weeks. When we first signed him up, bm had a job and asked if i could take him on mon and fh could take him wed, when she has him because she works till the time he is supposed to be there. At that time things were pleasant, so i said okay.
now, fast forward to today. She has pulled the whole forwarding of emails to mil, shown up at fh's work, etc. fh works mon till the time he is supposed to be there, since i dont work that day fh asks me if i can take him and fh will meet us there, so rather than making plans on my day off, i plan to stick around to pick ss up and take him.
Bm calls this morning and says that she has made arrangements to get off early to take ss, EVEN THOUGH ITS OUR DAY TO HAVE HIM?! So, she tells, not asks, fh that she will be taking him. fh, as he has learned to do, says no, i need to check with smnikki because she had already made plans to take him. Bm starts off on, IM his mother, she will have kids of her own to take to tball, this is MY son, and you dont need to check with her about anything regarding MY child. FH says, well you didnt mind her making arrangements to take him when you werent able to, you didnt mind me checking with her then... Fh ends up just telling her fine, take him. Because fh feels (and i agree) that if the situation were reversed, and her bf was taking ss, and then fh wanted to, there should not be an issue...
So here is what irks me. I know that if i were the mom i would feel the same way she does. im not upset about her wanting to take him, but i feel that everytime something comes up, she pulls the, IM his MOTHER, she is NOT, card. To me it seems, hey freak show, this is what you asked for when you signed up for divorce! your child now has two homes and two families. Just because you are in fact him BM does not negate that i am a mother figure to him 50% of his life. I now am able to have the day to do what i need and quite frankly am glad she is taking him, i know that if i had and she was there, as soon as we got there he would ignore me because he knows his mother is so insecure he would pay the price for giving me any type of attention.
I feel though that im expected to be the perfect sm and drop anything to rush to accommodate ss, but as soon as bm pulls the, IM his mother card, im thrown to the curb again. and NEVER does BM stop to think about all the things i do for HER child! part of me wants to stop everything i do for ss, no more watching him, and no more spending so much as a penny on him. But then i feel that bm and mil will use that against me. ugh. im so frustrated!
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we just never win
If the SM cares for the child, we are trying to replace their mother. If the SM doesn't do that much for the child, we are being neglectful and cruel.
I know how you feel! I wish BM would say "thank you" just ONE time. But of course, that would mean admitting that I do a good job taking care of HER kids, you know, the ones she barely pays attention to but wants to claim all the credit for.
I feel that way to.
No matter what I do for SD's 14 & 20 it's never enough, never appreciated, tossed aside. No matter what I always have to keep it in my head that I am just their SM. And to BM, that means I = poop.
Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. There's no winning this SPing game.
~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~
Here's what you do smnikki
Let her be the mother!
We all know as soon as BM has a scheduling conflict and can't deal with it herself, she will be calling you or your FH for help. Refuse. Do not pick ss up for her, do not babysit for her, nothing. When BM or MIL ask why, tell them point blank, and say it with a smile - "I'm not his mother, YOU are".
Sure, she/they will be pissed. But if you don't put a stop to this now, it will never stop. Do you really want to be feeling like this five years from now?
i will
do this from now on. What about fh though. He sees this as a father son activity, and is changing his schedule to be able to take him every wed and every mon regardless of who he is with. Should i make sure fh is on board with this? If it is her day, she makes arrangements and if its ours, fh will do it or i will?
I feel like because she treats me like poop, he should not do any favors...however, next sunday is my shower and he got called in to work, so she has agreed to keep ss for the day.(mind you she doesnt know its my shower, otherwise im sure she would say no)
i guess i just have to pick my battles, because we would have no one to watch him if she didnt take him sunday.
You might just try
Talking to FH calmly, and tell him that when BM pulls the "I'm the MOM" card, it makes you and everything you do for SS seem irrelavent and worthless... And I do say calmly. FH won't listen, and will probably go on the defensive if you get angry, and raise your voice (you'll catch more flies with sugar, you know what I mean??
).
Make sure he knows that when it's your time with SS, you have absolutely no problem watching him for FH, arranging schedules, etc. but only on your time. When it's BM's time, you will not do it for her. If he decides to help out BM with SS on her time, then no problem, it's his choice, but you won't be there to help him. Don't get mad at him if/when he agrees to help her. Just go out for a drive by yourself, or go for a coffee with a friend, anything to get away. You may have to do this a couple of times, but FH will "get it".
Be sure to inforce to FH that it's not him that has pissed you off, it's BM, and until you see some appreciation from BM for helping out when you don't have to, this is the way it's going to be. If BM gets pissy about you not helping her, just let her know that you're just giving her what she wants. And say it with a smile, no matter how much it's pissing you off.
As for the shower, you're right. If she knew it was your shower, she never would have agreed to take ss. So don't tell her. Do you really think that BM tells you the truth about everything? Trust me - she doesn't!
two faced
is exactly what the little snitt is. We never trust she is telling the truth! anyways, i told fh exactly what you said about how it makes me fell irrelevant etc. He said hes so sorry he approached the situation wrong with me, and that even though she is an idiot he appreciates everything and ss does too, he just felt that when he put himself in her shoes that she did have the right, if shes going to make the effort, to take her child to tball. I will have my own, loving, actually normal, children to take to things.
FH is taking ss to tbal every wed regardless of whos week it is. He told BM, if you are going to take him this mon, then you will need to make arrangements to do it EVERY mon, YOU will not chose when smnikki needs to pick up where you leave off, if you can do it this time you will find a way to do it all other mon's.
issue solved! thank you LN!!
Most welcome smn!
It's taken me a long time with the 'flies with sugar' bit, but it does work. The key is to staying calm, and telling him how you FEEL, vs. accusing him of wrong-doings (did that make sense?, lol).
And good for your FH telling Bm she can't pick and choose when you are allowed to 'help' her out. Hopefully he keeps it up. IMO, if he wasn't 'defending' you, or presenting the two of you as a united front to BM, I'd be pretty leary about marriage.
Now, make sure you "reward" him tonight for making the 'right' decision!!
PS:
You should be going to tball on Wednesday nights with FH. Cheer for SS as loud as you can, and snuggle in nice and close to FH at every opportunity!
fh is asst coach.
i have already told him, we will NOT be sitting with her or mil at any point
besides the hello for presentation for ss, we will not be making small talk with bm or mil. if she attempts to play nice after all she has done, as if there is no consequence for her actions, i plan to tell her, "when ss is not standing here, do not talk to me, i do not like you!"
since most likely fh will be out with ss, and ill be by myself, but not so much because i will have my very large diamond on my finger which i know annoys her.
in another blog, about doing little things to get under the skin of bm, i described what the two of us look like. Now all the other parents will just get to see what fh is definitely not missing. lol
then after, we will drive off in my nice new Mercedes as the happy family we are, and she can go back to the trailer she rolled out of cigarettes, tattoos, beer and all.
LMAO...
I hear you on the ring! BM was soooo choked when she found out about mine. She actually bought her own engagement ring! The one she wanted was just too much in DH's mind, especially after he had just bought her a brand new suv, so she went out and bought it herself.
She actually had the nerve to tell DH that the money he spent on my engagement ring would have been better spent on SD. Pfft... Then she went on and on about how at the end of the day, it was SD's money he "blew" on my ring. Now everytime I see her, I make sure to use my left hand alot when I'm talking, no matter who I'm talking to!
Luckily her and I look nothing alike. She's got those nasty scowl wrinkles between her eyes on her forehead, and in the corners of her mouth. I've got a few wrinkles now too, but they're "laugh lines"...
If Bm tries talking to you at tball and no one is around, I wouldn't get on the defensive and give her a reason to bi*ch and moan to FH. Just give her an innocent, but blank stare and say "Oh - were you talking to me? SS isn't here, so no need". Again, say it with a SMILE! It'll drive her nuts, guarenteed!!
Another thing? On a Wednesday night tball game, bring a special treat for the kids! Doesn't matter if it's your ss's turn to bring snacks or not, it'll up your "cool factor" in ss and his team mates eyes. Fill a little cooler up with freezies - that's usually a hit!
I'm new here
But am sooooo thankful to be reading some of this stuff to know I'm not alone!! I've had skids for almost 9 years now and they are closing in on teens. Have SD10 and SD14 (will be 14 next month anyway) and O.M.G. how things have changed in 9 years. I don't know if it's just them being teen girls or what but I almost can't stand them anymore. BM has turned into a flaming beyotch and most days I want to just walk away from all of it.
SMNikki on BM's & SM's
The BM in our relationship not only throws the "BUT I"M THE MOTHER" argument out a lot, she also has had the nerve to say to me "you'd have to be a mother to understand" and other things pretty much similar. (I have no children, part of it due to health issues.) I just let that shit slide. BM says that because she's the one insecure enough to have to state her "title" and remind everyone who she is, not me. I did get a little peeved when she said I'd have to be a mother to understand but then I just considered the source and realized that there's no fixing crazy.