Do I or don't I? What to do. What to do.

I have been posting A LOT lately. I'm just so perplexed. I have one SK left that is of age or will bother to come to our house. She is 12. I have done this wild experiment. I started to notice that every time I would enter a room she would leave. Any room. Even her own room. It doesn't matter. This has been going on for a long while now, over a year. When her sister was still gracing us with her presence she did it too. I wondered if I was imagining things so, I asked DH to watch. "I'm going to go into the room where SD12 is. In about 30 seconds she will be in here with you. Watch." Sure enough. Last weekend I had a little fun and chased her around the house all day Sunday! }:)

Point is: SD12 was here again last night and again she was like one of those rubber toys filled with water that you squeeze and it rolls inside out and squirms out of your hand. I had myself all worked up. My pep talk "I'm going to greet her at the door (she ignored me), I'm going to talk to her about nothing/something (she ignored me), I'm going to go do work in my office to be with her (my office is sort of in her room, hard to explain.) You guessed it. She left the room!

I asked DH last night why he won't do anything about it. He said he didn't know what to do. I asked if he could talk to her. He said that he had and that she claimed she didn't know what he was talking about. MEN! He said he didn't know how to talk to her about it. I'm thinking if this were my kid I could have an honest conversation with her. You know? "Hey SD12, I noticed that every time I blink, you fart! What's up with that?" But, she is not MINE (BM rules not DH). So, alas I sit here...blinking.

Do I work on it or do I let it go? No one else seems to care

Wicked2Three's blog
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What do you want to do?

I am with you on thinking that a good honest conversation is in order. And yes, hubby is right, how DO you talk about? It would kind of feel a little funny calling her out on behavior that really hasn't been specified as being wrong and at the end of the day is she required to stay in a room with you? But what she is doing has got to be making you feel a little rejected on some levels, and that can't be good for the household as a whole.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

What do I want to do?

I want to have a nice relationship with this all 3 SK's. They been in my life for 6 years and now SD in question is 12. I have tried to have many conversations with her in the past about our relationship. I would ask her what she thought and what she would like to see happen and I would tell her how I feel/felt. I used to end every conversation with a hug. I stopped when I just couldn't take hugging a piece of timber any more. I've tried to have a good time with her. There have been days that she is here and we have a good time and get along. Unfortunately when that happens she comes back the next time and is as cold as ice. It is very apparent that the happier she is here the more miserable life is made for her elsewhere. I probably did the wrong thing and took myself out of the equation. I know BM does not want her or the other 2 SK's to like me or have a good time at Dad's. I watched and noticed that when I didn't interact with them life in our house was tolerable at best, but not miserable. What I can't stand is being any part of torturing these kids. So, that is my question. Do I interact with them and know they will pay for it later or do I just ignore them and know they will pay for it later?

What is your professional opinion?

You talk to her.

I would just lay it out there and talk to her about it. Don't even wait for your DH to do it. You clearly care about this girl, have a talk with her!

~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~

jen

I would love to. I'm not sure how much of my ramblings you have read, so I will repeat a little. I can ask any of the SK's what they had for lunch and they will say "I don't know". They are so trained to only say what BM says is OK that if you catch them at a time where they can't consult her they can't or won't answer. I have waited up to 15-30 minutes for an answer before just giving up. It's really frightening and frustrating.

I think she absolutley needs counseling before she ends up in a toatl PAS nightmare like the older two.

joke and laugh with them.

Kids are very comfortable when you are more relaxed in the parenting role..if they said "I don't know" I'd have to come back with a joking and laughing with them type answer like "you don't know what you ate today..was it "and than name something really gross....lol".

12 is a hard age too..my BD rarely talks to me at times and is in that whole "leave me alone stage". Is there something she really likes doing - that you can try and bond with her? what about going to a movie..or just the mall together..ask her some ?'s that will get her talking..

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

I agree

that humor can go a long way in fixing a strained relationship. I even further agree that 12 year old girls are very difficult.

As each person and each situation is so unique it's hard to say what will work, what works in one, may not work in another.

My son (13) has this same situation (in reverse-if anything is good or fun at our house, sm is not happy)he began acting- across the board as if he didn't like anything anywhere. Which really puts him in a very stressful position. He has told his counselor that he never mentions me at dad's in order to keep everyone happy. After he mentioned that I started paying attention and realized that he would never ever mention sm's name around me.

For example...he was chattering about some sort of cooking item we just saw a commercial for and how great it is, I asked who he knows who has one of those, he paused for a significant moment and then said "my dad." Poor kid- his dad never cooks- but I knew the pause meant sm and he didn't feel comfortable saying that.

So later in the car together- captive audience- I said, "you know I noticed xyz(the above), and I am pretty sure that sm has the utensil and it's ok for you to say so. She is a part of your life, I know that. You do not have to pretend to me that she is not. It is ok that she is, it is ok for you to like her and have fun with her and appreciate her role in your life- she does a lot for you."

None of it was untrue- I think sincerity is key- kids pick up undertones, the struggles between sm and I do not influence my understanding of my sons needs and her place in his life.

He did feel a lot better afterward and I have seen him opening up more and more. I think sometimes kids just need to be given "permission" if you will, to just be their normal selves because when they feel pressure (intended or not) they kind of start to freeze up and just want to make sure they aren't upsetting anyone. I don't know if that would have the same outcome in your situation- it might depend on who approached it with her- you or mom or dad or everyone together ( I know LOL- not likely)....but that is what had a positive result for me.

Your husband

shouldn't let her get away with it. She is being disrespectful to you & he should put a stop to it. She can not have disrespect in her power base--------not goood. YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD STOP IT....

How? By not being scared of her. He needs to TELL her what is happening and THAT It will stop. Consequences should be fair but stiff if it continues. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH CONSEQUENCE.

Have your husband be absolutely sure (HAVE HIM WATCH AGAIN)---so he can speak from strength.

You should interact with them when they are RESPECTING you. Be kind but don't be a doormat.

Not sure that is the best approach

You can't exactly make someone start to hang out with you or like you. Once you force someone to start doing something they do not want to do then they will resent it more. And the last thing I believe that you want if for this child to be more distant.

Honestly the best thing you can do is what some of these others are saying, try to talk to her yourself. Just a simple can we please talk, just me and you, just might do the trick. Let her know that you want to get to know her better, that you would like to be involved in her life, as well as she in yours. Offer to go somewhere with her just you and her to try to bond. It may not work right off the bat but at least she will see that you are trying to make the effort to include her in your life.

Wicked

Do you want to "hang out with her?" or have her respect you? It is nice if they like you, but if they don't you have no power to change it without kissing her butt----I don't kiss anyone's butt but I do act respectfully of others.

Considering

a step child is not even legally your child, its a bit harsh to demand respect. I was raised that respect is earned not just given, even from a child. There are many different ways to handle things, but demanding someone talk to you really is not the best way to go, all it will do it push them further away. And this is coming from a stepmother and a stepchild. Neither of my stepparents got one bit of respect from me until they stopped acting like hillbilly assholes. I take the same approach with my three step children, I have not once demanded that they respect me let alone like me, but I have let them know constantly that I love them and that I love being in their lives. All three of them used to tell me to go back to where I came from, yes it hurt and yes i was offended but in no way could i blame them for feeling that way, especially when it seemed i was coming in and taking over daddy's life. So every chance I got i did stuff with them, we went places, and i let them help me whenever they asked me to (now they like to scrub floors!! lol) and because i was persistent in letting them know i was not going anywhere and that i love them just as much, i have not had a problem since. I have been through it on both sides both as the adult and the child, so from experience alone, i know which works better, don't demand respect it will only backfire.

Let her come to you

I have been accused before of 'trying too hard' (not from SD, but when I moved to a new town). If she is threatened by you or your role in any way, she will be very critical of everything you do and the more you try, the more 'disdain' she will feel for you.

I would ignore this, completely, even if it kills you. Also I would go do fun GIRL things, ex. paint nails, dance, cook delicious food, read a book, watch Lifetime TV or whatever, just carry on like you would if she wasn't there. Eventually she will probably want to do it too.

If not, oh well, it really is her loss. You don't have to be best friends, and I would not give her any more power to hurt you. I know it hurts, trust me I have SD17, but the fact is you are an adult and she is the child. She needs to figure out who does what for who, and if she doesn't, I wouldn't do anything for her until she does.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

I agree with Most Evil

Ignore her and do your thing. The rel'ship will either happen or not. You can't force her to like you or stay in the room with you. However, I believe she has to respectfully communicate with you. DH should step in if she is not doing that.

Evil Diva

I guess I wait for the question

I appricate all the responses and I can see things I can take from each of them. I will print this out and continue to mull it over.

What I am getting from the last few posts this morning is this. I should go about my business and stop asking her to join me. I have asked numerous times and I think all invitations should, by this point, be implied. I assume that in a number of years from now she and the other 2 "step-snots" (Thanks for the new term. Love it!) Will start asking questions. "Why did Wicked do all this fun stuff and never include us?" Well, I have an answer for that one already.

I guess the bottom line I am getting from everyone and the book I am reading on this subject is to not frustrate or knock myself out and just accept it for what it is. If they choose to be happy or choose to be angry/distant, it is their choice.

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Do I or don't I? What to do. What to do.

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