i knew it! fh cant live with out mommy
sorry so long, feel free to skip to the question at the end 
it has been a month and we have had no contact with my mil. Ive posted before about how she threatens me and fh to get what she wants, and verbally attacked me and threaten to kick my a**. when my fh put his foot down and said no more, she became best bus with his xw, and now sees ss4 when hes with bm. When my fh found out he told her to loose his number and never call again.
so, now its a month, and ive know its coming because mil was the only parent fh had, and as crazy and horrible as she is, i know that fh cant go with never talking to her. anyways, he cslls me yesterday while im running around doing stuff for the wedding, and says, ive been thinking and im going to start talking to my mom.
even though i knew it was coming. WTF?!? so i tell him, i love you and you have shown that you will always make our relationship number one, and if you feel that you want to talk to your mother, then i will support you. all i ask is that you please do not discuss anything about us or our family with her (it goes right to his ex) and also that you don't allow her to interfere in our relationship. He agreed and said that he just wanted to be able to feel like he could pick up the phone and say hello. he also said that he does not expect me to have to have any thing to do with her ever again if i dont want to.
In the end it seems to me that, his mother knowing that my fh does not reach out to the rest of the family (only sees them for family get togethers and holidays)then by not talking to her he would feel like he lost ALL his family, and come back to her. I have told fh that if he would just reach out to his family, who by the way have all told us mil is nuts, then he would feel he still has family and then mil would have to respect boundaries and know that she has no choice but to tow the line or not be in our lives.
my fh has always done exactly what he says he will, and has always put me and my feelings first. when he saw i was upset, he said never mind i wont talk to her i see how you feel.
I want him to be happy and at the same time feel im not being plotted against by having this evil c*nt in my life.
Is it possible to for you and your mil to hate each other, and still have a happy marriage when mil is still in dh's life?
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The key is to learn to love family as family and also learn to
call BS on them when they pull the crap that your FMIL pulls.
My I-Ls are the nicest people on the planet but can't make a decent financial decision if you write the answer on a 2X4 and beat them over the head with it until it sinks in.
My Wife stays very frustrated with her family but has learned to love them and spend time with them while staying away from the elements of their personalities that aggravate her. Unless they bring up the unpleasant stuff. Then she calls BS on them and tells them that the only way bad things will stop happening to them is if they change how they make decisions. Then they cut her out of the family circle for a while. This is emotionally difficult for my Wife but she has developed a method for interfacing with her family that works for her.
It is a vicious circle but she has learned how to be true to herself and still be involved with her family while the aggravating crap still exists.
My S-I-Ls Mother may very well be your FMIL as you describe her. That woman is a whack job.My Brother and his wife discuss everything and make decisions together. When a decision is made that my S-I-Ls Mother does not like she goes completely psycho and lays on the guilt trip, yelling, screaming and demeaning of my S-I-L. My S-I-L is a very sensitive loving person and when her mother goes BEEOCH on her it really upsets my S-I-L. At that point my Bro steps in lets his M-I-L know that she is on the verge of loosing all access to her daughter and the GrandKids if she does not cease and desist on the demeaning manipulative crap. She usually shuts up for a while but ultimately can't stay away from her psycho alter ego. BEEOCH M-I-L FROM HELL!
IMHO it is good that your FH and you have such a close communicative relationship. He is obviously struggling with his Mothers manipulate crap. He will ultimately learn the healthy boundaries for his relationship with her and how to minimize the damage she can cause to him and to his family relationships with everyone else.
You obviously provide him with a firm life partner relationship as a foundation for dealing with your whack job FMIL.
Keep us abreast of the pending wedding. I am sure your FMIL will provide some extremely entertaining stories as things progress.
Good luck and best regards,
thank you
yes, the wedding already has proved to be quite a nightmere where she is concerned. even when we were getting along i was already expecting her to show up in black, in the tightest most revealing dress she had! I have already discussed with my fh that she is to be excluded from ALL wedding festivities, and i informed the resort she is not to set foot on the premises.
I feel so horrible for my fh, he has such a big heart and just keeps going back! he tells me stories of sleeping on the couch with a knife because he was left home alone at night while his mother was out partying and then brought guys home and he had to listen to them have sex. she even brushed it under the rug when she found out he was being inappropriately touched by a neighbor kid. I just thought that with all this and then him seeing truly all her true colors we wouldnt have to deal with this any more!
thank you though for the response, and ill for sure keep it posted, as im sure things will only get more crazy before the wedding.
oh yeah, on a side note, for your sil and bro, its easier because there is no other way for her to see gran kids, so either she flys straight or loses out! with us, she goes to bm and causes drama! and then fh is stuck in the middle because ss knows its not right that mil is seeing him when hes with bm. also, mil is telling him (ss4) that me and my mother are bad and all kinds of other stuff! if it were just fh and i with bio kids i think it wouldnt be a big deal but with bm and ss its a whole new ball game. We tried talking to bm about it and she says its not her problem, that ss should not be kept from his only grandparent because mil and us have an issue. she refuses to see how grandma effects ss. Also, fh's family informed me that mil did the same and was just as nasty to bm, but now they both swear that they were best of buds...mil bad mouthed bm to me always! wtf?!
lol, karma is a beooch though and they both are crazy and will flip out on each other here before too long and i hope i have a chair and a margarita in hand to watch the festivities!
BM Vs MIL Smack Down!
Let me know when it is scheduled for Pay-per-view. That is one I don't want to miss.
Not that I have ever done any pay-per-view events.
Best regards,
To answer your question, I
To answer your question, I think it depends on 2 things. 1. How close DH is with him mom & 2. how supportive and understanding he is. I'm not very fond of my MIL, which my DH knows, but I generally get along with her. She is not in our daily lives though, we don't live close to her. I would support him speaking to her and stick with the boundaries you set. You don't have to be friends with her, just try to be polite if you absolutely have to interact with her. My MIL interacts with BM because they live in the same town, she sees SS through her. This makes me keep my distance from MIL because she tells everyone everything. But I am nice to her when we see each other.
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
absolutly
even when we were all talking and she had already shown her psycho side, i was still very nice to her! i even changed my appointment for my wedding dress stuff because she needed me to take head shots of her for her new business cards! I have gone out of my way to keep her as happy as possible! now that things have happened though, i will always be polite but will never trust her! i like that she has been seeing bm actually, because it keeps her out of our business. She use to call and demand which days she got to see ss when we had him. Now we live our life and dont have to schedule around her. I wish we could move a way from her, she lives up the street! my sil told us repeatedly to move, its the only way they have a civil relationship with their mother.
i would guess that soon mil and bm will go after custody, and if they are able to get it, and if that happens, we will move!
Oh Sugar
I was looking in a mirror when I read your post! My MIL was a very, very painful person to be around. The woman said things to me no human being to say to another one. My DH was a super mommy's boy. Like your MIL, she did some pretty horrible things to him growing up. She laid so many guilt trips on him he felt like her owed her his life.
I have never been one to feel so obligated to anyone, so I couldn't understand how deep it really went at first. He would not even defend me against her. We fought constantly over her. I hated when she came around. I even offered to leave when she came over to visit and they both got extremely pissed at me for that. I left anyway.
A few more things happened and I told DH, "That's it. I do not want that woman in our house or on our phone. She can call your cell phone, you can go to her house (she only lives 15 mins. away), I really don't care, but I had better not see or hear her. She ended up burying herself with him though, by her own actions and words. We didn't talk to them for over a year. The best damn year of my married life!
~IT WAS WORTH IT WHEN I BEGAN~
he called..
he called her on Friday to see what her surgery was for last week, they had a pleasant conversation from what he told me. He basically said that she had betrayed him and disrespected both him and i. She said that she felt she had the right to see her grandson no matter what or how, and going to the ex was not betrayal in her eyes. I had already told him that i would support him talking to her, so long as our home and relationship is not discussed and she does not interfere with us at all. so far so good, he told her he didn't wish to see her face to face yet, but that before that could even could be considered she has to apologize to him and me too!
yesterday, he said that he thinks that as a peace offering she will be at our wedding in two months (he doesn't realize ive made arrangements that she cant get on the resort)....i guess we shall see, my shower invites go out today, and she is getting one.
It is not a peace offering!!!
My MIL refused to show up at our wedding. She would have nothing to do with it. She refused to show up for the birth of our son as well. Now, suddenly, 3 years later (after the birth of my son, so 5 years all total), she wants to make a peace offering. Her peace offering was to show up at the oldest two's birthday party. This is really no peace offering, she usually always shows up to theirs, except last years, but we were not talking to her so she had no idea. The real test will be if she show's up at our BS's birthday. She has never shown up for his. Funny thing is, though, when we told her when and where it would be, she has something to do that day. Wow, some peace offering.
I have come to believe that these so-called peace offerings are just there way of making other people believe they are the victim, forced to suffer through something or another for the sake of their grandchildren and children. This is also a prime opportunity to find ammunition for later use. Whatever that may be. Honestly, I wouldn't want my MIL at my wedding. DH and I do plan of renewing our vows next year and I have thought about inviting her just to show her that her son has been with me these last 6 years and yet she still chooses me!
~IT WAS WORTH IT WHEN I BEGAN~
she cant
go longer than 3 weeks with out flipping out! so, im sure in the next two months she will pull something new to piss off fh. she is so selfish that i seriously doubt that she will spend the money to go, im sure she would rather put it towards a face lift or new boobs to replace the rocks on her chest. i think that fh just wants to believe that she will make it because she is his mom. We have a butler for our stay and ive already informed them now that since she might show, if one peep comes out of her mouth she will be escorted off the property!
I'm so sorry
But the first thought that popped in my head was the Movie Monster-In-Law.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation.
update**
it took my darling mil 1 week to flip out! she has managed in one week (last friday it happened) to cause my fh to once again want nothing to do with her! she just keeps hanging herself! Love it! and this time its strictly between the two of them so she cant try to place blame on me!