I understand how you feel. It hurts sometimes to see that child that you take care of, that you clothe, feed and tuck into bed at night get all excited about mother's day with their "real mom." You feel left out and insignificant. I know that's how I feel sometimes.

I am thankful though that my biological children consider their stepfather their "real dad."

that is absoluetly horrible, Gia....I'm so sorry...I think that's the thing I hate hearing the most "not the real mom"...like just because u gave birth to a child yur so much more special??....even if u abuse that child???....don't get me started....well...I am a SM with no bkids...but luckily my skids treat me like a real mom....I wish u a Happy MOTHER'S Day, Gia...because that is what u are 365 days a year, whether to bkids or skids

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

Yep, there will always be someone out there that is more interested in biology than quality parenting. To them, you will never be the Skids "REAL" parent.

In my case, my SS came home from summer visitation with the BioDad and SpermFamily with the "GrandMa says you are not my REAL Dad and that your our my StepDad. What is a StepDad?" SS was about 8yo at the time.

I gave him the physical definitions of BioDad and StepDad, one made you with your Mom, BioDad/RealDad, the other is married to your Mom but did not help make you. I then went on to say a Dad is one who loves you and your Mom, goes to work everyday to provide a nice home in a safe neighborhood, safe transportation, good food, nice clothes, coaches your soccer/baseball teams, teaches to ride your bike, teaches your to read, write and use the bathroom, etc......"

When I got done with this talk he responded with "Sounds like a real dad to me". Then he went out to play.

The only one who has to know that you are the REAL parent is the Skid.

Screw everyone else.

Hang in there and best regards,

You know, if I were you, I'd probably be heated up about this enough that I'd go to the principal. Not to b**** exactly, but to talk to him/her and say, you know, statistically about half of kids are growing up in a blended family these days. I think your school would be making a really great statement and helping a lot of families out if you had teachers acknowledge that reality, and enacted a policy of inclusiveness rather than exclusiveness, so that at these kinds of holidays, you could help kids to better accept the diversity of family experiences they all have.

My Skids are older, but I bet if I had younger ones, this would end up being kind of a crusade for me... At any rate, it is something you could do, if it would make you feel better.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I went through all that crap with some of my kids teachers too. The nice thing is, SHE said she has two mommies. That is the part to remember,in her sweet little mind, she does have two moms. The teacher is just a moron. Some will be and some won't. Most of the time though, when they see you at the shool for every meeting and neer see BM, they get the picture.

My SS17 was in the store with me one time and one of his friends parents said something to me about being his mom. I just said uh huh because it's usually easier than the whole explanation, but he very quickly told me once we got in the car not to tell people I was his mom, to let them know I am his stepmom. I was so hurt, I had to hold the tears back. Now, when we are out, I make sure to tell everyone I am the stepmom. They say something like, oh are you his mom and I'm like, nope, Im his stepmom. I guess I want him to feel like I am shamed of him the way he made me feel like he was ashamed of me. maybe it's not right, but we don't really have any issues anymore.

Just know, that the kids know who takes care of them and who doesn't. My SS11 brought home a plaque he made at school for me and his dad. It said thank you to (our names) for taking me to school, washing my clothes and making my lunches. It was a thank you parents plaque. Obviously he knows who the "real" parents are. He still sayd "real mom" and "other mom" but it's ok, because he knows.

"A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."

I get that allllll the time. When they are asked about chaperones for school activities, parent lunches etc. they always comment about how they want their "real mom" to come. All the trophies, medals, ribbons, or certificates they earn from activities that I help them with, they want to take to "their real mom's" This year the school had the kids do projects about their family trees. The skids of course, chose to do their assignments on their mom and her side of the family. On top of that, who was the one who sat down with them to help them w/the homework assignment??? Not "their real mom" not their dad. Nope it was the "faux mom" who always helps them with their homework. Reminds me of that kids muppet..?? that kept walking around in a high pitched voice saying "not the mama".

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

when i was in school, they never offered for me to be able to make something for my step father as well as my father. I always made sure i did make or do something though on my own. i didnt always care for my step dad but i always tried to do stuff for him that made him feel like he was a parent to me because i knew that it made my mom feel better. I think with the number of families that are divorced, schools should make more of an effort! Come to think of it, the day care my ss goes to, always complains to me when i drop off or pu ss, that bm is horrible and she is teaching him bad behavior, etc. They always compliment me on how i am with am, and how he behaves with me, but never once have they encouraged him to make something for me when they do crafts....

To state that over and over? It's not like step-moms are a new concept. We are quite aware we are NOT the biological mothers.

I think a lot of it stems from kids that have insane BM's. The kids are always trying to prove to the BM that they are loved and trying to please the BM. They have to fight their BM for affection. This is the situation in my case anyway. They are always trying to shower BM with presents and affection, but couldn't bother half the time with anything for their dad, who (with me) provides everything for them.

And more power to those SM's that help purchase a Mother's Day, Christmas, Birthday card/gift for the BMs. It will be a frosty day in Hell before I would ever do that.

~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.

gotten one for his BioDad.

Once, in about 3rd grade, he came home with card he made describing his family. Mom, Me, Max the Parrot and ...... StepDad. Hmmmm? Something is afoot at the Circle K? He has never refered to me as StepDad.

When I asked him about it at the time he indicated that he had told his teacher that he had two dads. Her response was that he could only list the one he lived with and could only call me StepDad and not Dad on the card. At least that was his 3rd grade interpretation of the conversation with the teacher.

I called and ripped the teacher and new asshole about that little spark of ignorance and how confused my SS was over the issue. She sent me an apology note after she went to her Principle to complain about my rudeness. Apparently the Principle told her that she needed to be a little more sensitive to parents who are active in the kid's lives whether they are BioParents or not.

The "REAL" parent issue is one that we as Sparents will never get completely away from. IMHO.

Best regards,

Gia I am so so sorry for how your feeling. The only time I have ever felt the way you do is last year when my daughter (SD) didn't make me anything for mother's day as she had since 2005 when I first moved in with my husband, her brother and her. As bad as this sounds I don't think she will give me anything this year either I am not asking her to spend money on me, IMHO making gifts comes from the heart and I value those more. Just hang in there hon. And you should speak to the principal and voice your opinion, you have every right too.

Happy Mother's Day to you and everyone else on ST.

At the beginning of my son's Kindergarten year, the teacher assistant also made a "real" dad comment to my son...don't remember the specifics but he said he had 2 dads and the teacher asked which one is your real dad and he got confused and said they both are. Then when I picked him up he asked me why she asked him that. I said "I don't know, doesn't make sense to me. They are both real people!" And left it at that. So if anyone asks anything like that, he says they are both my real dads!...I hear a little irritation in his voice everytime. People never push it once he says that. I guess people use the word "real" because a lot of kids don't understand "biological" yet. I understand it, but its still annoying.

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"

Actually, one MD gift SD's class did was for everyone to send in a family recipe and they made a cook book. Well, SD asked BM several times, then I got a phone call from SD on a day she came from BMs that the recipe was due and she didn't have one to give. So I wrote a few down from DH's grandmother's cookbook, on a paper she had left there for us to use. I thought the school would type them up.

They didn't. When SD brought the book home to DH she told him she wanted to give it to her mom, and I sucked it up. He had her make a photo copy of some of the recipes for me (which was thoughtful of him, but really was a sad substitute since I was the one who dropped everything to hand write two family recipes and run them to the other side of town where her school was. But...we are used to this as SMs yes?

Then, I warned SD that maybe we should get an additional gift, b/c BM might not like that we contributed the recipe. I underestimated BM. She didn't just voice not liking our contribution, she screamed at SD for giving her the book with my handwriting in it, and ripped it up.

Ahhh...those were the days.

I haven't received any Mother's Day gift or card from SD in years. She always asks her dad to take her to get one for BM, and he does which is fine. This year she has finally come to value me as a mom to her again, so we'll see what happens. But unfortunately, I just decided to let go of this one long ago. I do think as the years went on and BM did things like rip SD's biopoem off the bulletin board b/c she listed all of us including my sons and BD who wasn't born yet, the school seemed to offer SD the option of doing two things sometimes for holidays, though I don't recall it ever being an option at Mother's Day.

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I