My side of the coin...and how I ended up being a stepmom-long
Once upon a time...guess that's how to begin. I was a stay at home Mom, with two beautiful little boys. I loved my life, my husband, my children. We had a good life, boating every weekend in the summer, I taught Sunday School and was a Scout leader, my husband had a great job. I can remember one spring day, driving back home from the store to plant flowers, thinking how happy I was. I grew up small town, with values that I maintain to this day. Naive? Yep. Too trusting? Yes. And I'm still that way today.
Then I discovered my husbands deceptions. He led two lives; one with me and boys, and another with other women. First was disbelief. Then pain, then anger. To make a long story short, for four years I tried to stay. Four years of wondering every nite who he was boinking. Four years of watching him become more and more short tempered, mean to our sons. Four years of making him leave, then being sweet talked into taking him back, just to have the lying, the cheating repeated over and over again.
After 17 years of marriage, I divorced him. I waited so long, gave him so many chances, because I wanted my children to have an intact family.
And this man was furious that I divorced him. He couldn't seem to believe that a mere woman would say "That's it, I don't want you any more."
The day after I moved out of the family home (I couldn't afford to even water the lawn, staying there was out of my reach), he moved his latest affair in with him. Then continued to beg me to take him back. To the point that he made her move out, and, when I refused to reunite with him, he married her. All this within 6 mos. of our divorce.
The fallout has been devastating. I'm so over him, but my sons carry alot of pain inside of them. You ever watched your child sit and watch out the window, hoping Dad is coming home, for hours? Have you ever had your child beg you to drive them all over town to find Daddy? Have you ever watched a sweet, loving boy withdraw from everyone because the pain inside of him is to great to bear? Have you ever had your child beg you not to divorce his Dad, but you know inside yourself that you'll go mad if you stay, constantly being betrayed? If you haven't been through this, you're very lucky.
The day my ex married his new woman, he called and left a message on my answering machine. He said "Bewitched, you're the only woman I'll ever love." And hung up.
This woman knew she was with a married man. She did not care. She did not care what pain innocent children would suffer (course her own kids lived in a trailer next door to their grandparents, raised themselves, while she lived in another town). All she cared about was she was getting her hands on a man who would support her, and she could go on a cruise, have a new car.
I left her alone, tho. Because there was no point. No point in arguing with her, no point in telling her what she was.
But, what goes around comes around. The ex sometimes actually talks to my youngest. He misses me. All these years later, the man still misses me. He knows I did not deserve what I got. He's also cheating on his wife. How do I feel about that? She's getting what she deserves. Yes, he's the one who betrayed me. But she's party to it as much as he is. You can't cheat alone, after all.
I did not want my sons being raised in a step situation, so wouldn't consider remarriage as long as they were still growing up.
And it took me 15 years to trust enough to remarry. Oh, I got over him long before that, but I didn't get over the fear of another betrayal. The pain was intense, and not just my pain, but the pain of watching my kids hurting like they were.
Sometimes, I still cry over it. Over the loss of what should've been. My older sister is in much the same situation, except she made a better choice in her second husband than I did. She has a good man. But she tells me, even tho she's been remarried for years, that once in awhile, alone in the shower, she cries still. Because the hurt goes so deep. Her hurt, and her hurt for her children.
My sis is a good woman. She did not deserve the betrayal anymore than I did. And now her ex, who lives in this little town with the second wife (one of his affairs), is busily screwing around on her. Again, I can't think of anyone who deserves that more. What amazes me is these two women, who would not respect the marriages of others, are now crying over the very thing they did to our families. Sure, these guys found plenty of women who were up for a roll...but ya know, in the end, you can't cheat alone.
If you've followed my blogs, you'll know that this marriage is not working out. And I have plenty of opportunity to seek comfort and companionship elsewhere-my husband is out of town for all but 8 days of the month. And I have been tempted. But in the end, it's my face I have to look at in the mirror each and every morning. My view is that if you're that unhappy in your marriage, you get out before you get on. No one deserves that type of betrayal.
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It is hard
"Oh, I got over him long before that, but I didn't get over the fear of another betrayal. The pain was intense"
I stuck with my ex for years also. Years of wondering, not knowing, of just being beaten down. I am thankful that we never had children. Who knows how much longer I would have stuck around. I was young, and in love. It was an innocent love. I thought I was his world, and he would never hurt me. But he did. Time and time again. But I stuck by him, b/c he was so sorry, so remoreful. I wanted to make my marraige work. I'm with a wonderful (most of the time) man now, but it's still hard sometimes, just to trust.
It's something you can never really get over. Not because you still care for your ex, but it's the loss of your innocence. I thought I had it all. Educated, intelligent, independent, attractive, funny, great cook. House was always immaculate even after working and going to school full-time. I had a husband that I thought adored me. I did everything for him. I thought I was the complete package. But I wasn't enough for him. It is a huge blow to your self-confidence...to your self-esteem.
He had an old computer that he used to troll for girls on the internet. He used it to sneak communication with other girls who knew he was married. They've met me, been in my home, or I've been in there's. He'd unplug our computer, plug his in, and have fun. He'd hide his cell phone. So much more to list, but it's no use putting it out there. And I put up with it. I'm the idiot.
It took me four years to leave. Four years, and at least three other girls. I won't say woman, they were girls. I'm upset with myself for putting up with it for so long, but I am proud of myself for saying enough is enough and walking away. I took on all the debt, took what was mine, didn't touch any of his assets and I left. I look back with regret for the loss of who I was, but I don't regret leaving him.
He called and begged and pleaded with me to take him back. He tried to prolong the divorce. Told me he'll always love me and he'll wait for me to come back. said I can call if I ever need anything. Sorry. You couldm't give me what i needed when you had the chance.
bewitched
I understand your pain to this day..not because of you wanting him, but what was lost..what should've been. I left my EH when my BD was 5, we reconciled a few times but divorced when she was 7. The heartache I went thru with her missing her father was unbearable at times (she was daddy's little girl and princesS)..but once we broke up it was like he didn't have a daughter anymore). When he was single, he would pay 100% attention to her, as soon as he had a GF he forgot about her again. I saw the toll this took on my daughter, I even put her in counseling. To this day she cries sometimes that she wishes her dad and I were together (we get along now and he just had his 4th child with yet another girl - whom my daughter loves and I get along fine with).
I used to question myself so many times if I should just go back with him for her sake. But I deserved happiness too..and I knew being with him and being miserable would rub off on her. My heart aches for my BD and I hope that her trust in men won't be shattered to what happened to her with her dad.
He now wonders why she doesn't want to spend alot of time with him now that she is older..her feelings for him have changed and soured by his own doing over the years. I told him it would come to this..and he has only himself to blame.
and I divorced when my BD was "He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
2beloved,It takes a deep inner strength to pull yourself up
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and the only place I found that strength, at the time, was for my children. Like you, I was an innocent. Thought we were each others world.
But some do not have that strength, and start self-medicating, self-destructive behaviours because they simply cannot bear the pain. That is the sad truth of it.
I have never been with another womans husband-and I think I've heard every story in the book; she doesn't understand me, she's a nag, she only married me for my money...blah blah blah. My response is always the same. If you're that unhappy, leave. How is being involved with another woman going to improve the situation? It's not.
I do not have friends who sleep with married men. My bff has a girlfriend who does this on a regular basis, and I will have nothing to do with the woman. She justifies her actions in so many ways. "Oh, it just "happened". Or "I was so lonely". or "he was so unhappy". Sorry, sister, There is no valid excuse for being party to destroying a family.
Sometimes I wonder
what justification my ex used on his girls? She didn't have dinner on the table in time? She didn't fold my socks properly? Someone told me at a friends going away party before he left for Korea that I was a better person than she could ever hope to be. When I asked why, she said that she can never be friendly to the person that slept with her H. Music stopped, people stopped talking. I said "What?" Turns out that he/she/they told everyone it happened while we were separated. Ummm....we were never separated. We were barely a few months in to our marraige. That's when I called her and set up a meeting with her. We talked over coffee. I filed soon after that.
I have never been the other woman. I will never be the other woman. I will not be able to look in the mirror and respect myself if I was. FH is my second serious relationship. He is my fifth BF, if you include the 2 two-week long relationships in high school. I take relationships very seriously, and have never ran around for the sake of it. FH and I have an understanding that if it ever comes to the point that either one of us feels something for another person, that we can be adult enough and mature enough to be honest with each other. If our relationship is salvageable, then we'll work around it. But if it ever gets beyond feelings, and intimacy is involved, good bye and have a good life.
These are all my stories
Walking in on him, everyone knows but you, the humiliation, the hurt, the self-doubt (why wasn't I good enough), his GF's calling to complain that he was cheating on them with yet another woman (helllloooo, I'm married to him!), the kids wondering where daddy is all weekend, the list goes on and on.
I don't cry over him, but I cry. I cry that I choose poorly and that my kids had to go through that. I cry that I gave them such a crummy father, because they deserve so much more, I cry that his actions hardened my heart. I'm better off now (even in my 2nd crappy marriage), but sometimes I'm still embarrassed and hurt.
If you're in a bad marriage, either fix it or get out. A bad marriage is never healed by stepping out on your spouse and cheating will NEVER make it better. I'm not here to judge anyone, but I had every opportunity to stray, and was actually urged to by my EH, but I'm not about to add a turd topping to a shit cake. <---I can't remember who on here said that, but I've tried to work it into my conversations when I can!
Turd topping to a shit
Turd topping to a shit cake...LOL Thats hilarious
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
I cry that his actions
I cry that his actions hardened my heart. I'm better off now (even in my 2nd crappy marriage), but sometimes I'm still embarrassed and hurt. <--This is what I mourn also.
And I'm still embarassed. I'm embarassed that my marraige was fodder for office gossip, and no one saw fit to tell me. Self-doubt is a big one too. I have had opportunity to stray also. I've been hit on by exH friends, coworkers, classmates. But I chose my marraige over a brief fling. I wasn't going to sacrifice my integrity to "get back" at my ex.
LOL to your turd topping comment. I'll have to use that on FH sometime.
BW, the pain of being cheated on is not
an easy one to deal with. Especially when you see your kids get pushed to the side for the new GF. You know my history, the new girl moving in as I was moving out! It was hard to get over, and I did give that woman hell. I'm sorry for it now, I wish I had been like you were.
Anyways, you know I'm always here for you and I'm glad that through PM'ing we both know we will always be friends!
((((hugs))))
SMJ
I would say you know first hand what it's like to be cheated on then.
Maybe having a little more compassion and understanding for your skids BM would help the situation calm down. She's probably still hurting. Cheating husband's are hard to get over, no matter how long ago it was. BW is an example of how it can still affect someone long after the divorce is over.
I read one of your blogs about the BM buying things for your BD. She may be trying to raise the white flag here, it may be beneficial to your relationship with SD to not fight with her BM about it. It's really not the worst thing in the world for BM to buy gifts, even if you don't like them. Being gracious and kind will reap you more benefit than being nasty to BM. She might start to leave you alone more if she doesn't feel as threatened.
You and SD may have a good relationship, but her mother is always her mother. I know first hand that you can love your Skid to the moon and back, but you will never take first place, no matter how bad the BM is.
My Ex hid his gfriend too
My first H was the avg run of the mill engineer. Cute but dorky
We had a good marriage (so I thought) even though he was a work a holic. A little over a year after being married, he told me he had gotten a job out in San Diego, that it was temp. project and that he'd just rent a place out there while held "down the fort" at home.
I really didn't think anything of it other than the fact that he never really talked to me prior to it. So off he went. Turns out, off he went with his girlfriend in tow. He and her moved out there together. I found out from one of his coworkers, as everyone knew at his job because he flaunted his "nooners" w/ her. I confronted him and get this.... he didn't want a divorce. He very calmly said that he thought we should stay married, and he could just come visit me occasionally for "family events". HUH???
I stayed married to him for 6 very long months after that (w/ him in San Diego) which was enough time for me to filter out enough cash, and purchase what I would need once I left (a computer, clothes, furniture etc). My divorce was amicable by all standards - he gave me what I wanted and we didn't have any kids. I have since met DH and have happily moved on with my life.None the less, I still deal with the humiliation, pain, and self worth issues that came with that baggage even though it was well over 8 years ago.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
My best friend had an affair
My best friend had an affair with a married man when she was 20...he was 29. He was married with 2 kids...his wife's name was Jen actually. It started out casually, then eventually they slept together..in his truck in the middle of the day at a construction lot for new homes being built. She know how I feel about this subject so it was very hard for her to tell me what was going on. Well she started developing feelings for him but after they slept together, he started avoiding her. We all worked together. After she told me what was going on, he confided in me that when he got home that night and saw his kids waiting for him, looking out the window, his heart just broke. He had told his wife he was going to the gym after work. Even changed into his gym clothes after sleeping with my friend. His wife never found out. He stayed married, and that was 9 years ago. I don't think he'll ever cheat again. The whole affair only lasted a month and his guilt killed him. But he never told her. He didn't want to lose her or his kids. He screwed up. My best friend wanted to tell his wife. I discouraged her & she never did. I knew his kids & loved them to death. They were sooo cute. Honestly, I wasn't too fond of his wife though. But he loved his family. My friend quit 7 months later & she met her now husband, and they have 3 cute little boys. I went to FL a few weeks ago to see her & she actually brought this up. She's very glad he walked away before she got in too deep. Now she's happy & he's apparently happy too. So I can relate to the kids feelings on it, thats whats most heartbreaking to me
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
That's the thing Melis
At the end of the day, kids really do not have much of a say in their family dynamic. They don't get a say of their parents split up, where they live, access to their ncp, etc. The least we can do as 'mature adults' is take their feelings into consideration.
I left my first H. There was no cheating involved on either part. We had started dating when I was 15, married when I was 20, then 5 years and two kids later, separated, and eventually divorced.
We were too young, plain and simple. I was not happy, and I don't think he was either. It was hard enough going through the separation, even though we both knew it was for the best, without either of us having new relationships to throw into the mix.
FH learned about the affair from his kids
The kids came home and told their GP's that they were at their moms friends house. I think they said that they watched TV in the living room, and Mama and *friend* went to his bedroom to watch TV. The kids were 6, 3, and 1.
Her *friend* ended up cheating on her a couple of years later. She was heartbroken and cried to the kids about how she thought they would be perfect together like FH and I are. She told OSD that when daddy loved her, she loved *friend* and now that she loves daddy, daddy loves 2B, and now it's too late.
One last thought-well, maybe more than one :)
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
My H was also cheated on by his common-law wife. They had the two girls together, and then a third came along. They split when the third was an infant, so during that time, about 6 months, he had 3 little girls with him, and she'd take them on the weekends. When the baby was about 9 months old, social workers showed up and told him they had to take her away. She was not his. His ex had had a paternity test done on her weekend with the girls, and the baby was her bf's. I met H about a year after all this happened. He was still grieving over the loss of the baby.
All of this pain. All of you who told your stories. Personally, those 4 years I stayed and tried to get thru it are like a blur of pain to me. For my sons, it means something entirely different.
All I know is I will never violate the sanctity of marriage, be it mine, be it good, be it bad, or be it someone elses.
Bewitched
Your story truly broke my heart.
One of DH's best friends is cheating on his wife, and there have been times where that said friend will try to come to my home with on-the-side girlfriend. Even though I do not know his wife, I refuse to have that man step into my house with the other woman. She knows that he's married with a 2 year old and it makes me mad that he and she would do that to them.
Thank you for sharing.