From Single To Wife and Stepmom
I am a little upset tonight as I am starting to wonder who I am anymore. I was once a single and loving it independent and in love with my freedom career minded kinda gal. Six and a half months ago that changed when I married my DH and became Stepmom to his now 8 year old son. I am upset because tonight I realize just how much I am mourning that freedom I once so enjoyed. The girls from school are getting together tonight for a few drinks. But I couldnt go. Nope. DH is on afternoons and since I get off work at 7 on Fridays I get the responsibility of his child. And after what I put up with tonight, I wish I was out knocking a few back with the girls.
DH sister picked up SS8 while I was at work, then met me at home to drop him off. DH forgot to go to the ATM to get gas money for her, so I follow her up to the gas station to fill up her tank. We part ways and I drive home with SS8. Now I promise. I have been trying very hard despite the fact that I have come close to wanting to throw in the towel, cash in my chips, go back to sweet freedom and independence. So I ask SS8 how school was this week. Nothing. So I turn the radio down a bit (it was at a very low volume to begin with), thinking maybe he didnt hear me and ask a little louder this time. Nothing. So I turn my head (I was at a stop sign at this point) and start telling him that it is disrespectful for him to ignore me when I ask him a question. I ask a 3rd time. Not only to be ignored again but to now notice that this snot nosed little brat has been covering his ears with his hands the whole time. So I tell him that this behavior will not be tolerated and that the minute we get home he is to brush his teeth and go straight to bed (15 minutes early), no snack and no drink of water. Oh, and dont try the you didnt hear me line ( he likes to lie to his father about what happened to avoid trouble) cus I said it nice and clear 3 times. And you better believe your father will hear about this. And as he gets out of the car he slams my door. Thats it kid. Just wait till your dad gets home.
DH can text message while at work. So he now knows that after I go and do him tonights favor and give up on my girls night out (which I havent had since getting married, yet he has enjoyed guys nights out)that I had to put up with the total disrespect of his snot nosed bratty child. Now I put this in much nicer terms and briefed him on what happened. And though I needed so badly to come here and vent, at least I can say that for the first time my DH asked me what I thought punishment should be. And when I gave him the 2 choices I had in mind, he agreed not only to back me up and show his kid we are a team and this behavior will not be tolerated by either one of us, he decided to lay down the law with both punishments.So when DH gets home he will be informed the long version of the briefing I gave him of tonights events and we will make the final decision together before going to bed.
This first year has been very rough so far. And even though I am upset that I had to miss my fun to be treated rudely, at least I can say that things are starting to run more smoothly with DH now. He has shocked me left and right today and this marriage is finally starting to seem more doable. So maybe I dont need to cash in those chips afterall.
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Comments
I used to be engaged to
I used to be engaged to someone who had ano 8 year old son...and things did get better with him eventually. You just have to open yourself up and get to know him. Just be happy you don't have to deal with step-daughter's...12 and 15. It is a nightmare of jealousy and co-dependent behavior toward their sick and twisted mother.
I disagree with you Danyelle
How is asking for respect as an adult and stepmother asking too much?? This child needs to learn to respect her whether he likes her or not but one should respect..They have been married one year so thats plenty of time to get to know someone..How long have you two been together total..And yeah we all miss our independence but thats something we give up when we say I DO or move in with someone with children..But you dont have to give up going on girls nights out, schedule them in advance and go have fun..You are married not in a convent..
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison
I dont think Im expecting too much
As a child that age, I would never have thought twice about being rude and ignoring an adult who was talking to me. I would never have dared to cover my ears and show total disrespect to an adult involved in my life on a weekly basis. Of course, I was raised with discipline and taught manners and to respect my elders. In a situation like this, my father would have pulled the car over, pulled me out, and tanned my hide so bad I wouldnt have been able to sit for a week. So therefore I also dont believe the childs punishment was harsh by any means. Im not expecting the kid to like me right away. But he better be showing me the respect I deserve as an adult and an authority figure in the absence of his father. I would expect no less from a niece or nephew who sees me less than SS8 does.
Love, I wish I had some advice for you. But I havent had to handle a situation even close to yours. Its not BM we have problems with, but her controlling husband (long story and for another blog). Im thankful she handles things like a business transaction and I havent had to deal with psycho behavior.
OMG
How coincidental is this? I just received a link in my inbox (email) about a book coming out on May 5th. I was notified because I have ordered previous books about Stepping from Amazon. Well long story short, I thought it was interesting and I starteda post about it for anyone who may be interested. Don't know if you are or if it may even help, but if it might, check out the OT Post about the book that I just posted not even an hour ago.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
Sweetie
If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to bail. You are giving up your life----for someone else's. It is still early, you can call it a mistake and move on. You need to read lots of old posts. See if this is what you want to do with your life.
IMHO that you and DH need to
IMHO that you and DH need to sit down with eachother and talk about your feelings. Marriage is not a prison sentence and going from no kids to having to care for someone elses is very difficult. It is especially difficult if that child is disrespectful of you.I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so down.You need to make a day once a week where you can have some "me time". DH will have to work with you to make it happen. It is important to not lose your sense of self in a marriage.You need to be able to function as an individual as well as a wife/step parent. I think that you should plan a night out with the girls work out something with a babysitter and go! I think it would be a good idea if you and DH could sit down write out a list of house rules and come up with consequences together. Introduce this list to the skid together and for him to start respecting you DH and you will have to be a team. If he sees that you are together on this it will help.I also think that you should let him know that when he misbehaves you should explain why he is punished. This way he will understand why you are upset and he has gotten in trouble. That was one of the major issues I had to face.Most of the time my SS9 wouldnt understand what he did was wrong or that it hurt someone else.Level with the child let him know that you care and that you understand that life is tough when there is change.Let him know its tough for you too. After you have explained this let him know that even though we feel frustrated or angry it is unacceptable behavior to disrespect anyone.Best of luck to you
BB
(No subject)
Last nights talk
Since this first year has been so tough and I am living with an identity crisis on my hands at this point, I decided to sit down and have a nice chat with DH last night. We both agree some counseling will help us to work through these issues, but they are slowly starting to get better. SS8 was not only dealt both punishments, he also had to put in some hard labor. So I wont be cleaning up the backyard or the litterbox this weekend. I was also told that I could expect an apology letter when I got home from work today.
I did order the new book that is coming out. I am so looking forward to reading it. I found another one similar to it and just finished that one. I told my husband that I feel I am suffering from a case of posttraumatic stepmother syndrome and I need a break. The man completely shocked me and is allowing me that break all summer. I will only play babysitter as a last resort when he has no other options or if I want to do something with ss8. Other than that he wants me to enjoy some freedom this summer.
We will be heading to counseling soon to work out some details with a third party. And today I am feeling such a sense of relief. Not only because I have DH finally understanding me and on my side, but because after reading all of your responses, I know I wasnt insane in my reaction.
How great!
I am so happy for you that your husband has listened to your feelings and is doing what he can to help you feel better. That is SO important in a relationship and it sounds like you guys are on the right track.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
DH did good
Adjusting to marriage is hard, especially at first. I did not get married til almost 40 so I know what you mean.
I think the issue with your SS can be worked out and I am glad to hear you will go to counseling. But best of all it sounds like your DH is listening to you!!! hugs
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
understanding ears
Good luck to you. I went through a similar thing, except my marriage included moving out to BF nowhere to the extreme burbs. I am not an unhappy person, but I went through body shaking mourning after engagement and after marriage. Getting married, getting step kids and the huge life change is a shock. I could rationalize it, and it made sense, but ultimately the shock of the lifestyle change made me so sad to be so far from my friends.
Good luck, I dont' have the perfect solution. I also have made several statements after having hellish shopping trips, suprise days when he has to work on a weekend that they need to go back to their moms. I do not enjoy having them, and ultimately, if they are not with him, they need to be with their mom.
Good luck. SL