My husband thinks it's ok to be friends w/ his ex wife.
While being friends is one thing.. He won't let me be friends with my ex husband. We've been married 8 years and he has a child w/ his ex. During the last 8 years, they have got back together once a year. She won't let him go OR maybe he won't let her go. He misses the "family" and his child but loves me and does not want to lose me either. He has so much guilt over his first family not being together because his ex wife has not gone on with her life and is very needy. He can't concentrate on his work and feels like "less than a man" because he is between two "wifes" that are taking his energy away. My husband started gambling and drinking because he misses his child so much and his ex won't let him forget the two of them can't live without him. They say they're just friends and I believe them after all this time and when they get back together, it's "platonic" and for the child. It lasts a week usually.. Why do I stay? If I left, he would move in with her so that he has his child on a day to day basis in two seconds. He's actually a man with a huge heart and wants everyone to be happy .. both sides. We've known each other for 20 years. I'm sure the ex has qualities I don't have and he obviously divorced her because he does not love her like he does me but the two of us probably make a perfect wife.. Too bad for him you're not allowed to have two wives. If he does ignore her because I ask him to, the ex will make it hard for him to see the child. He feels sorry for the ex because she can't seem to get it together and has never found someone to replace my husband. We had a fight recently and he said he was going away with his child for the long weekend. I surprised him and found the ex there (the 3 of them ) playing monopoly together. He says they were just showing the child they can be together and be friends. The whole time he lied to me about her being with them and they both said it didn't mean anything. What is the child thinking knowing "Daddy is married and what is my step mom thinking while my parents are playing Monopoly with me"?? What the heck to I do?
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No no no!!!!
...
x
x
Sounds like
Your DH wants His Cake and eat it too! If my DH did that he would get a shovel over his head, bags packed on the front lawn and the taxi waiting.....
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
LMAO!
nice...
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Screw the bags.
I'd throw his crap on the lawn alright, but then I'd douse it with lighter fluid, and happily toss a lit match stick on it...
Anyone ever see "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"? Yeah - that's what I'd do.
leave
Leave and Leave fast!
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I can't believe you've
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
put up with this for EIGHT years?! WTF - misses his "family" and he and the ex get back together once a year?! OMG! That's insane - I wouldn't put up with one minute of this bullsh** -
She's his EX WIFE, not wife #1 - there is a BIG difference. I'd be out the door in a heartbeat if this behavior didn't stop immediately.
Let this guy GO
This is wrong on sooooo many levels. Let him go back to her and be the family that he obviously wants. This is not good on your self esteem and you should not have to put up with it. You WILL move on, I know its hard, but you need to get away from them.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
He wants his cake and Edith too!
Oh sweetie, get outta Dodge. You have no children with him---you can be free of all of this. He loves you but he wants THEM more. Do you want to share him with his X til that child is 18?
I learned (too late) to never marry a guilty man!
x
x
Dump the MF already.
He DOES have two wives.
And he has absolutely no incentive to change things. His ex likes it this way, so does he, and probably so does the kid.
You will never have him to yourself. Leave, and salvage your self-respect. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are the ONLY wife.
"You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way." Another wise person on this site said that a while ago, and it's now my signature quote. Take it seriously. You are the second wife, and you are being abused. Leave.
BB
You should be kicking his sorry @ss to the curb.
I'm sorry, but that is just unbelieveable!
I can somewhat understand taking him back the first time, if what he said was true about living together as 'friends', but to go through that on a yearly basis? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!
I realize I don't know you, but I'm going to tell you exactly what I would tell my sister, or any friends of mine. He does this game with you and his ex, and lies to you, because HE CAN. You've taken him back every time, so he knows you will always be his "safety net" or "Plan B".
You need to get away from this idiot (yes, that is what he is, no matter how big you may think his heart is). You are worth so much more than this, you do not deserve to be anyone's second thought or choice.
IMO
Hi there...
Big hugs to you.
I think you know the answer to all of this without me having to tell you a single thing.
Your husband and you are living the same life I think. You both are incapable of letting go, even though it might be what's best. Your husband is just not ready to disassociate himself from his former wife for whatever reason. Love? Probably not. Moreso guilt and codependency. Unfortunately you are enabling him every step of the way.
What is it that YOU want?
I'll tell you what you deserve. A husband who will love only you and not even consider a relationship with the ones who came before you. Anything less is not worth it. I promise you honey, there a billions of people on this planet... he is not ready to be the one and only just for you.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I agree with all of the
I agree with all of the above. And I don't know how you've put up with this for 8 years! This man is taking major advantage of BOTH of you...especially you. I don't think you said how old the child is, but it really doesn't matter. My BF is friends with his ex, meaning they try to be civil with each other, converse regarding the kids, don't fight, we ALL get together on special occasions, that's being friends. NOT what your H is doing! The man is crazy if he thinks he would ever find another woman who would put up with this arrangement! And I wouldn't believe either of them when they say they aren't sleeping together! You need to leave and forget this guy, and he needs to go back to what is obviously his first priority...his ex and his kid.
No way...
There is no excuse for his behavior. It sounds like he hasn't ever moved on from his first marriage. That is not fair to you.
My DH's ex gf/baby mama would call whenever she wanted and he never said anything when his family would invite her to events. I called him on that bs and now it is 1 email per week to cover schedule/medical/daycare items unless there is an emergency. SD9 also got a cell phone so BM doesn't call his phone. His family still invites her, but at least he told them that we will not attend if they do this. Exes are exes for a reason.
I really have a hard time believing that you are serious.
Unless you just joined this site 2 days ago to make sure you aren't crazy.
If you are serious, you are crazy, for putting up with it.
Gets back together with his x? Went on a vacation with her and didn't tell you? You know if you left he'd be right back to her?
Something doesn't sound right with your whole entire statement!
I'm going to interject a little bit here...
...let's not pass judgement, regardless of the circumstances.
I'm married to someone who is in a very codependent relationship with his ex-wife. I'm not crazy for staying or putting up with anything... not even a little bit.
I say no name calling, or assuming of anything until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes. A bit like telling an abused woman she's nuts for not leaving the husband who is abusing her.
We all lately have been advocating understanding and peace but the minute someone puts theselves out there, we throw stones? Her post is so vulnerable and full of pain. Come from a place of compassion, not disdain for her circumstances.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Yeah, I'd say no name calling at all
That should be one of the principal tenets of this site.
We're dealing with a lot of tough subjects on here, and I think it's one thing to express an opinion forcefully (heck, I do that all the time). But we are supposed to be supporting each other here, so name calling should be out.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I agree 100%
Although, I will admit its hard for me to keep my mouth shut once someone else starts talking crap! Like how it was with TinaKay! I'll work on that
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Yeah
It'll probably take awhile after that episode for us to keep our collective cool again!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I hear what you're saying CG
and point well taken.
On the other side, I think many of us are guilty of putting ourselves in her position and responding naturally as to what we would do.
I would like to know from the OP if she is really okay with this. I think deep down she knows that this situation is not acceptable; otherwise I don't believe she would be here asking what she should do.
And honey if you don't want to answer on the forum, feel free to PM me, because I have a rather unconventional solution to your dilemma if this is something you can live with
Well hell Sasha, I wanna
Well hell Sasha, I wanna know your solution!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
GET OUT NOW!!
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this, but at the same time...why are you allowing yourself to??? Seriously, leave this guy now! You deserve so much better than that. I would get a private investegator to follow him, first though...just so you have something solid that YOU can see for YOURSELF...to prove to your heart that it's right for you to leave.
I will be praying for you, sweetie!
Wow I actually
deleted.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
You are his family!
don't be afraid to be alone. it is difficult but things slowly look up and get better.
so what if he goes back to her?
He may just open up a door for you to feel better about yourself. From my experience, the fight is not worth it. And, it looks like he has chosen already. "his" family is supposed to be you and SS not her.
That's why people divorce.
One can only hope!
Check yourself into~
a mental facility. That whole post is just plain madness! Most of us here throw a FIT if FH or DH or BF (whatever) spends more than 10 minutes on the phone with BM... torn between the two of you??? I am thinkin I would have made it a REAL easy decision for him a LONG time ago.
Please, for the sake of all things Holy... have your head examined! And I mean the in the nicest way possible. REALLY I do.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
Im a bit confused. This is
Im a bit confused. This is your first blog so there is nothing else to get details from.
When you say they ‘get back together once a year’ can you explain what that means? Does BM and child live far away that he travels to see his kid for a week each year? Or do they ‘get together’ as in one big happy family for a special week together, on top of regular visitation.
I also don’t understand your explanation why you stay. You wrote you stay because if you left he would run back to BM and his ‘family’. That sounds like a reason to leave, not stay.
Everyone has basically said RUN in reply to your blog. I would agree if its anything other than the week a year to travel far away to see his kid. Even then, there would need to be limitations on his and BMs relationship. Being friends with the Ex is stupid and is a sign of not letting go. Being friendly with the ex, because its best for the kids, that’s a big difference.
I took it as once a year he
I took it as once a year he ends up leaving her to go back to his first wife and then within a week he comes back. And supposedly there's never been any sexual contact, he goes back to his "first" family out of guilt for leaving. Maybe I'm wrong but thats how I took it.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
In response to above
We all live very very close to each other. We argue and he left me each year to try to see if they can put the "family" back together. Everytime they realize they can't and stupid me, I wait.. I'm a strong person and love my husband and ss. Last time, we did separate and ended up getting back together. He's become completely "lost" without the stability of having his child everyday and hoping the bm raises her the way he would when he's not there. I hate checking the phone records and having to drive by her house and never trusting him. I'm so sad and I have a kid who probably thinks I'm an idiot.
Ok
deleted
Big hugs to you...and you are not an idiot.
You're not stupid either.
You just need to learn to love yourself a little more. You can't expect ANYBODY to love you without loving yourself first. People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you, so stop allowing this treatment.
It sounds to me that the only person's wants and needs in this scenario that anybody is concerned about is your husbands. He doesn't seem to even know what those wants and needs are. It can't be all about him.
I think a good solution would be to allow you AND him to figure out what it is that will make each of you respectively happy. I don't think any one of you is happy in your current state. Not even his ex. Is living apart/alone an option at all? You may find that being by yourself is an empowering experience all the while allowing your husband to figure out what he really wants in his life.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I read your response to the above posts
please find the path for you.
Even if you argue, that doesn't give your DH permission to go and live with another woman.
I say the following with all the spirit and love of sisterhood: YOUR NEEDS MATTER TOO!!!!
It sounds to me like your DH is like mine and manipulates you into feeling sorry for him because he has a kid. Men like this typically only victimize you by making themselves appear to be the victims.
You deserve, a man who loves only you. Not one who you have to share with the BM no matter how innocent the "friendship".
Please take care of yourself and know that you are in my thoughts. I also encourage you to read my blogs to see where an "overfriendly" relationship with BM got me.
Remember too that if you have a funny feeling about these "meetings" it's probably because there is something more than friendship there.
One can only hope!
He'll probably just keep doing this forever.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
He's done it for eight years, so he clearly sees nothing is stopping him.
Only you can decide whether you'll put up with it or not. I say leave, but you have decided to stay for all these years. There must be a reason-more than I love him-to stay and put up with this. There must be.
wow....I wonder where all the defenders
were when I was getting my recent ass chewings from other members?
Oh, I guess we only protect and defend certain folks. newbies at that.
Anyways, back to the subject,
This is a impossible relationship. Love may have you there, and may keep you there, but one day you will see that this is no way to live. I pray that day comes very soon for you.
Did I miss something again?
Did I miss something again? What r u talking about?
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Is she refering to her post -
"Not a Step, BM post instead" - or something along those lines...?
If that's what she's refering to, I'd suggest re-reading that post. The majority of the people on there (myself included) said they agreed with SMJ. I believe there were one or two that didn't...
Just when things had quieted down here, I really don't want to see another p@ssing match this week.
Whoa, wait.
Well, I can only speak for myself, but if you got your a** chewed in the past, I wasn't aware of it. Then again, I've only been on here a couple of months.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
No need to defend anybody...
I just didnt think it necessary to label anyone as crazy.
I really don't care if someone is here for 2 days or 2 years, we all put ourselves out there to find solace not condemnation. I don't judge anyone for I'm far from perfect myself.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "I wouldn't put up with that"... however I don't think it fair to say "You are crazy for putting up with that."
I deal with abused women thru my volunteer work and the last thing they need to hear is that they are stupid for staying... or crazy. They've already been thru enough. Maybe they are crazy to endure what's been done to them, but I can soften my words to someone's who's heart is already in pieces.
Jen... I've never judged your situation. I support you and advise you because I think that you have a good heart in the end. However, because you didn't feel defended in your own situation...doesn't mean we can't maturely discuss when I felt that you could show more compassion towards someone who is obviously hurting.
I cannot imagine going thru
I cannot imagine going thru a situation like yours. Hopefully you find the strength to do what is right for you. Maybe you feel like if you love and support him enough, then he'll love you back the way you want? Sweetie, sometimes love does not conquer all, especially if it is one-sided.
Have you tried maybe just a trial separation, to see what happens? A separation where you leave, on YOUR terms? If you honestly feel that if you left, he would go back to his ex, then why try to make it work? Is it the fear of losing out to her completely? Pride? There are other men out there who would love to treat you with the love, respect, and dignity that you deserve.
Trust me. I stuck with my exH for 6 hellacious years. Six years of my life that I will never get back, but I walked away from it with bitter lessons learned. Have you tried counseling? Do you feel like maybe you don't deserve better, and are settling for a life with him because it's comfortable? Is fear of the unknown holding you back? Do you want to look five, ten, fifteen years from now, and still be living this life?
Also
I think the drinking and gambling isn't so much that he misses his child and wants to drown his sorrow as it is a character weakness. It seem's like he just has a reason for not ever having to take responsibility for anything. If you live so close, how is he not able to see his child? Is there a CO established? I think your H is the one that needs to get help, and needs to figure out what he wants. No one is the victim here but you and the kids. And maybe the BM. I say maybe b/c I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. Is she hoping for a reconciliation and he's also stringing her along?
How many more vacation surprises and surreptitious driveby's can you handle you have an emotional and mental breakdown?
I would tell him your soon
I would tell him your soon to be his Ex-wife if he keeps that S*&t up!
Serious...
Omg, I don't know how you have put up with this for eight years. What is your H's reason for not letting you remain friends with your ex? You are being treated horribly by this man. Why let yourself be kept in a holding pattern for so long. Ask him how he would feel if you were 'getting together' with your ex, but better yet, if you had a daughter who was in your situation what would you tell her? Would you encourage her to wait it out and see if he would keep coming back to her, or would you encourage her to put herself and her happiness first and to get out?
You deserve so much more....
Can anyone say
"Big Love"???
Oh come on now!!!!
You have been dealing with this CRAP for 8 years and apparently you are used to being treated like a door mat. You need to get out of this mess and quick.
You wanna waste another 8 years sharing your husband with the first wife? Come on honey pack your bags or his bags and move on!
"And this too shall pass..."
It does sound like Big Love!
And for the record, for the original poster, the term crazy was not ment to offend or hurt you. I do think it's "crazy" to put up with what you are enduring. I wouldn't be able to. Maybe that just shows that you have more strenght than I.
I am very very very sorry if I offended you with that word. In my house we call each other crazy all the time. It's like okay crazy, break your playstation because you are mad at it because you didn't win the game if you want to! LOL!
I forget that this is a forum, you guys are not really "my friends". Being that I don't know any of you personally at all. So no one really knows me or knows my attitude. Which is typically care free, light hearted, and joke able! I would never intentionally hurt someone, especailly someone going through the kind of trauma that you are.
I do hope that you find your peace, and your situation works out well for you.
Serious
I do hope that you can find a solution to this, but my suggestion would be to leave. It is not fair for your to have to deal with a husband that can't let go.
I personally wouldn't have lasted 8 days nevermind 8 years with this situation. If DH feels he needs to re-form their "family" he can have the evil beast. Luckily DH would rather swallow hot coals and burn himself alive than be in the same room with BM for more than 5 minutes.
I think getting a counselor for you and DH would be a good idea. He obviously needs one to let go of his guilt issues. This is the only way I see that staying together might work.