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Why are we supposed to hide our feelings?

mlbltd5678's picture

Submitted by mlbltd5678 on Thu, 04/23/2009 - 10:18am

I'm sure many of us on this site over the course of our step parenting years have felt like crying over the things that our step children say to us and do to us. My ss counselor told me that I should just let him do it and should not show my feelings on the subject. In my opinion, and my husband agrees with me on this. I think he should see when you makes someone feel bad. How else is he supposed to learn that people have feelings and that you should think about other people's feelings. The other thing, is we try to teach these kids to not hold their feelings of sadness and anger in, but to talk about it. Well, if we hold the feelings in about what they say and do, doesn't that teach them to hold things in. This is just my opinion.

I am sorry, but I am sick of being my ss's doormat. He wants me to be mommy when bm doesn't want to be invovled, but when she is around we are supposed to disappear like we don't exist. That hurts us. At least in my situation, where I am with him and mother him everyday. she sees him twice a month for 4 hours at a time. This week happened to be vacation and so he went there for 3 days, and now he makes me feel like I don't matter. I don't know if I can keep the hurt away from him. Just looking at him and bein the mother I am to him makes me feel like crying. He is usually a thankful and loving kid who wants and tells me that he wishes he didn't have to "deal with her" but then she wines and dines him for 3 days and when he comes home we have to reprogram him and remind him of who really does all the mommy things. It is so AGGRIVATING!!!!!

Comments

SRS177's picture

Submitted by SRS177 on Thu, 04/23/2009 - 10:46am

I think that they need to see that it hurts people. They need to see that you have feelings too and that they can not just walk all over you and expect you to just deal with it.

I think any child needs to see when their actions and words hurt people. I don't hide anything from my children. I know they don't like to see when I'm hurting but it also makes them very sensitive to peoples feelings and even though I am slightly bias because they are my biological childdren, they take care of each other and me and are very concerned about peoples feelings. My SDkids on the other hand have everything hidden from them and are catered to and fight with each other and call each other names all the time and treat each other and their dad and me like crap.

TinaKay's picture

Submitted by TinaKay on Thu, 04/23/2009 - 11:39am

emotions as long as you are fully aware that if you expose them, you may not get the reaction you hope for, which is why most people choose to control them.

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Thu, 04/23/2009 - 7:45pm

I also think its important to discuss how their actions make other people feel. Its always good to control anger, but there's no reason to let anyone get away with making someone feel bad. Thats not doing anyone any good!

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

Cheyenne Arizona's picture

Submitted by Cheyenne Arizona on Thu, 04/23/2009 - 9:26pm

I think expressing your feelings are important. When we are upset with the kids we usually express that while the behavior is not liked at all they are loved. These are two distinct things and we feel that it is important to reinforce the love. I don't think that allowing kids to live in a fantasy land with no emotions is not healthy. Lets face it - we all know the real world is cruel and we don't want them thinking they are not to share their emotions when something upsets them.

HummingBirdHunny's picture

Submitted by HummingBirdHunny on Thu, 04/23/2009 - 9:54pm

I can relate to some of what your going through in regards of being the mother figure when BM doesn't want to step up to the plate and do it then when she does we get shafted! I deal with that a lot and yes it does hurt and it is very hard to cope with. At first it bothered me a lot but now I have learned to brush it off and when they want something I won't be so quick to give in. Yes that sounds mean but for me it's teaching them not to treat me like crap and expect rewards for it.
I have no issues with BM being in their lives, heck I wish she would be MORE involved but I just dont feel that will happen so as they get older maybe they will see that.

I would sit him down and tell him before BM shows back up again when he is in your good graces and what not just how he makes you feel when he is getting what he wants from you but then treats you like crap when BM enters the picture. Good luck hon!