Kids naturally think the sun rises and sets on their parents and nobody else is quite the same for them. I'm sure that your SD appreciates and loves you, but it's natural for her to miss her mom. Especially at that age.

I know my husband has felt that kind of hurt before, but he knows that the kids don't mean it. They just love their dad faults and all.

“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”~Aesop

I would like to know the answer to this question also. I take care of my ss everyday. His mother only takes him when it is convienient for her. I do everything a mother should do for him, but in his eyes he still wants his mom. It hurts! How do you raise a child to have compassion for others feelings at their age? I try to remind myself when he says things like that, that he is saying it because she has let him down so much that he feels comfortable to tell me his wants and needs. It is a cry for attention from them for their mother to care. They know deep down, that we as step parents don't have to be there but we love them and we are there, giving them the best we can. Then when their "real" mom isn't their they are disappointed because in their eyes, they are the one's supposed to be there, not us. It is ok to feel jeleous and hurt by what they say, but try not to take it personally. They have learned that you will love them no matter what they say, and that is the feeling every child should be able to have about their parent.

I don't think either one of you are wrong to feel the way you do. What kid doesn't want their mom to pick them up from school?

I don't think you're wrong to expect a "hello," though. Even if she chooses to remain silent for the rest of the car ride, she should still say, "hello, Gia11." If she feels like talking from there on out, let her do so. If she chooses to be silent, respect that too.

When my stepdad used to pick me up from school, I didn't even say "hello" to him. I wasn't much older than your SD. My mom and dad both told me that wasn't going to fly and that I at least have to say "hello" to him when he picks me up. They told me that they understand that I'd rather that Dad or Mom picked me up but that cannot always happen, so sometimes my stepdad was going to have to pick me up too. Maybe the two of you could try this with SD- acknowledging her feelings and showing empathy for them, but still emphasizing that she must at least say hi to you. Maybe DH could say, "I know you wish your mom could pick you up, and that this is not an easy situation for you. It's OK to feel that way, and you can always talk about it with us. But you do need to say hi to Gia when she comes to get you."

As a CP SM to two beautiful girls who were damaged at very young ages, I can say that they'll always love their mothers first. However, as my SDs have gotten older, and with intensive therapy, they're starting to see through her actions and words, and realize that not everything in this situation was DH's fault. Maybe SD5 could benefit from counseling as well. As for me? Initially, it really hurt me that the kids will always love their mom first, because she is such a bad parent, yet here I am doing a lot for them. It took me a lot of patience and time to accept that because she's their mother, they will always love her more than they love me. It's just human nature for them to do that. They initially didn't say hi to me either- they were just silent. So, we sat them down (several times, too) and told them that I'm not out to replace their mother, their feelings are understandable, and they can talk to their dad (and/or me, if they want) about them but they still at least need to say "hi," "bye," "please," and "thank you" to me.

I think that seeing you - and knowing even at such a young age that YOU are the one that consistently picks her up, takes care of her, makes her pretty, etc. is just a constant reminder of all the things a mother SHOULD do...but hers doesn't.

It doesn't really have anything to do with YOU per se...its just her wish that her own mother took as good care of her as you do. And because she is probably taught (programmed) by BM that you aren't really there for HER, or that you don't really love HER, and that you are only around for her dad and that she is just a by-product of that...she probably doesn't fully trust that you will always be there for her unconditionally the way a "real" mother should.

With my SD, she is only 4 and we deal with this. Her BM is constantly spoiling her, buying her every little thing under the sun...and every time SD goes back to BM and tells her of something special she did with ME, BM gets all jealous and tries to minimize it. She tells SD that I am not her mother, and that I only do those things for her because it makes daddy happy...not because I really love her. So sad...because then my poor SD doesn't trust my motives...

It kinda goes back to the whole divorce thing...if mom and dad get divorced, the child still gets to see/be with both parents because the child is biologically related to those parents...but if Dad and SM get a divorce, SM is gone for good...no visits, no more love or care, nothing. So kids sort of learn this early on - and then keep SM's at a distance to protect themselves from yet another loss like the one they already experienced when their bio-parents divorced.

I was also dealing with the same thing...But ask yourself this. Do you and SD have a special relationship that her and her BM don't have, of course. This question is hurtful...will you ever be able to replace the BM? No. But this question is also very enlightening...will BM ever be able to replace you? No. It's the same on both ends. SD talks about you, I'm positive, to the BM, you know she can't possibly like the fact that her D loves another mother figure. You both have a special mother-like bond, just remember you are another mother to her. And yes, I still feel a twinge of jealousy sometimes but I just remember I'm the sane, loyal and stable one...BM is everything but, my SD8 and I have a very special relationship I know we wouldn't have if I were the BM, I like this one.

After 2 1/2 years, and my friends constantly telling me that they will look back and realize who was always there for them, I've realized that it is true. The kids will ALWAYS love their mother. Regardless of what she does or does not do for them she is still mommy.

But, mine are starting to realize a lot of things. OSD told my friends daughter, her schoolmate, that she loves living with her father and me b/c we do things together, and had family time. When she was living with her mom while FH was deployed, she was at school all day, and at the babysitters until evening. Because, she said "Mama was always going out or at the gym or at work." I usually take my friends little girl out for dinner just to see how she is doing. I'm like a "Big Sister" to her, and she relayed this conversation to me.

When the kids need something, I AM the one they turn to. When there is an event at the school, I AM the one they ask to volunteer. Even though they were with their mom at the time, they asked and I agreed. They're with us now, and OSD has track this month and asked if I can volunteer for them. She didn't place a call to BM. She asked ME. When they have problems at school or with friends, they turn to ME. They know who takes care of them. For me, that is enough. They will never love me like they love their mom, but the love they do have for me is enough.

There used to be so much excitement before BM's EOW visit. Then they went back to her fulltime for 10 months. When we got them back fulltime, the enthusiasm cooled with the older two. YSD still gets excited. But then again, when she is with BM, she cries for me and her dad. When she is with us, she wants mommy.

FH got a job offer in New Mexico. OSD wants him to take it. She asked me for reassurance that no matter where FH and I go, they will be with us. i told her of course they will be, but made sure that she knows that anywhere we move to, she will only see her mom a couple of times a year. She said she was fine with that. She said she is okay with seeing her every other holiday, or for the summer. That in itself speaks volumes.

It'll take some time, and some maturity. Keep doing what you're doing, and let BM make her own noose. Your SD is 5; give it a couple more years.

too many times. I think with age and concept of time and situation will change that attitude towards you from your SD. My SS use to do the same thing when he was that age but not anymore. I think he knows more about what is up with his mom also he is old enough now to know it would hurt feelings. Now he gives me hug kiss and starts to talk 90 miles a minuted. I had the same feeling of jealous and sad when he wanted her and I can give no advice of how I dealt with it. I cried talk to H about it then typically within an hour or so SS was all about us and what we were doing. Remember she is only 5 and she does not realize I mean really realize who does what for her yet. Hang in there. You and H know what you do and so does BM!

It is hard, as sooo many of us here know, to feel taken for granted. Stepparents get overlooked for what they do all the time. I don't even particularly want to be a parent myself (I have no kids), but I still feel bummed sometimes that my skids' mom gets to play the saint even when she acts evil and selfish.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I'm your mommy now.

When your with me, I'm your mommy and when your with BM, she is your mommy. You have 2 mommys.

as she is only 5.
Your kinda lucky, she is reachable still. Wouldn't be like this if she was 15, lol

I say give her time. Try not to let it bother you. Maybe what you can do is if she says where's my mommy or why didn't mommy come get me? Just let her know that you don't know or tell her she can call her mommy when she gets home to ask her herself. I agree that you should sit her down and ask her to acknowledge you when you pick her up. Explain to her that your not trying to take mommy's place at all! Your just an extra mommy to give her extra love, hugs and kisses!

It's so ironic that it's my 15 year old SD whom I have the easiest most carefree relationship with, so I couldn't disagree with you more, TinaKay! I think I may be the exception, not the rule though, I'll grant you that. We have an unusual case because SD15 lives in another country and I only just met her for the first time last August, but she and her BM are both super sweet and extremely thankful to me for showing her a good time when she's with us and including her 100% into our family. The key also is that her BM doesn't see me as "the competition" so there's no animosity or misgiving, just appreciation of one another. That is crucial!

Gia, your post automatically made me think of my BD3 who goes to preschool and once in a blue moon I have to ask our babysitter to pick her up for me. She loves her babysitter to death, but without fail gives her the "but I want Mama to pick me up!" fit at preschool pickup. The difference is that our babysitter has no reason to feel jealous of me or hurt that BD doesn't want her at that moment; she knows she's just being a normal kid wanting Mommy. If you can take the emotion out of it and realize that it is absolutely nothing personal, maybe that will help you not feel so bad about it?

I hope this helps you gain some perspective. You're doing a great job! It's only natural to feel what you're feeling, but I hope you can find a way to see past it.

My husband's ex is a lesbian who is a crazy person, a pig, dresses like she is poor, can't cook and looks/acts like a man. And I am the real WOMAN who the kids never had in their lives as a "mother figure"...I am extremely clean, I dress like a WOMAN should, I cook and invite them to learn to cook with me, I treat them wonderful, buy them things that their mother won't, drive them everywhere, help with their hair, give 150% all the time. I get NOTHING in return. They hate that their dad remarried and think lesbo bi**h walks on water.

Unfortunately, it's just part of the sucky package of being a step-parent. If you want to be a "mommy" you're gonna have to have kids yourself, because they will never look at you as one.

I have gone out of my way to be great to these kids AND to their mother and she will not even look at me and says nasty things about me to people because she is jealous. Do you NOT think that behavior affects the way those kids think of me? We are ALL in therapy already to deal with her and the kids behavior and kids are too, to deal with our marriage. Except BM. She feels she is perfect and doesn't need any therapy! Yet she is hiding her true self FROM herself and the world and her kids--she lies, manipulates, and does evil things to people all while claiming to be a perfect Christian woman. Hello??? Am I the crazy one here, or is this a bunch of crap that should not be happening?

And I TOO have friends who are gay/lesbian. That is not the issue. This woman is a crazy person, whether she is an in-the-closet-gay or if she were straight (doesn't matter)...she should be locked away. If you all knew the whole story and what we are dealing with, you would better understand the ongoing issues we have to deal with. I don't deserve to be attacked on here...and BM treating my husband and I like sh*t on a daily basis because she hates herself gives me every right to make it my business.

BM is 45 years old. BM's mother committed suicide in September 2008...3 days after we were married...while my husband and I were on our honeymoon. And she didn't stop calling him...the whole time. Our therapist said she should not have done that (and that my husband handled it poorly by letting her come in the middle of our honeymoon.) And that she should have called once to tell him then talk to his kids, as they needed him to. Instead, she ruined our honeymoon by calling 20 times a day, crying and freaking out in front of her kids (another thing that our therapist was shocked to hear, and she knows BM personally from the years before of marriage counseling)...she has tried to make my husband feel sorry for her for 6 years since the divorce. That's how she has controlled him. Yet she treats him like crap daily...so unnappreciative of everything he has done for her (which is A LOT...she was still his "wife" for all practical purposes for 5 1/2 years after the divorce, "for the kids sake"). We even cut our honeymoon short so we could be at her mom's funeral. (I did feel sorry for BM during this time, but she treated us like crap as soon as funeral was over...back to her evil, mean ways...WHY??) Her mom, by the way was completely unstable/insane. EVERYONE in both families knew that, her doctors all knew that. BM comes from an extremely dysfunctional family. They never talk about feelings or deal with any issues...they just sweep everything under the rug. They fight constantly. She never even went to therapy after her mother died and we had to force the issue of the kids going to therapy after their loss. She didn't want them to deal with it, she yelled at us about it!!! She just wanted the kids just forget about it and move forward even thought one daughter got an F on two tests when it heppened (she is a straight A student).

What the girls sense is that their mom is SO jealous, SO insecure, SO unnaccepting of the fact that my husband moved on and she has lost all control of him that she talks very badly about me to the kids, acts uncomfortable in public around me, freaks out and yells at my husband for no reason all the time. She is terrified that if they like me, she will lose everything she has (which is them.) She does not ALLOW them to like me. She absolutely refuses to accept herself as a lesbian, will NEVER come out or tell her kids...will hide everything for the rest of her life. Meanwhile, continuing to make our lives miserable because she has no other outlet. WE are her outlet...lashing out at US is her outlet.

I do feel that BM has BPD. There is no other way to explain it. She just refuses to believe anything is wrong with her and therapy is out of the question. I am telling you, if you knew this woman you would be like, um something is SERIOULSY wrong with her. She has no friends and is extremely uncomfortabls in ALL social situations. She just acts so weird...like everyone in the world is the enemy and she and her kids are in some freakish bubble. I really don't know how else to get the situation across to people. You would just have to be in my or my husband's shoes to see all of the damaging things she does and the way she lives her life. You would have to read BM's sick and twisted journal entries about her obsession with her kids. It's scary. My husband's family knows BM very well (they were married for 10 years) and they all think she needs to lose custody of the kids and get some serious help. They feel helpless just like I do, though. Like she is SO crazy that there is no way to help the situation or get the kids out of it. BM doesn't even allow the girls to have relationships with my husband's mom or anyone in his family. My husband's mother said it was like that from the day the kids were born and for all of the years following. BM is so co-dependent with those kids NO ONE is allowed to get close to them but her. Like I said before, BM is even right in the middle of the oldest daughter's relationship with her boyfriend. BM has her own relationship with him. WEIRD! I guess all of this is also the reason she tries to turn them against their own father.

Anyway, I had one more question too. BM let's SD's (12 and 15) shower together all the time, which they also do when they are at our house. I don't think that is normal and our therapist said it needs to stop NOW. That they are too old to be doing that. Those two girls are literally attached at the hip though. They are practially the same person, which the therapist knows...she has known them for years. She just feels that they need their own "identities" at this point. What do you think?

Thank you for all of your advice and help. I think it's all in God's hands at this point. There is just no other solution.