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EASTER-unique situation-advice wanted

kaffonseca's picture

Submitted by kaffonseca on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 2:41pm

I'll try to explain as easy as possible, but weird setup. MY FH has a son(5) he has custody of (BM nowhere to be found) and than has a son(2) with BM (Ms. Piggy). BM was in SS5's life from about 2.5-5 yrs old.When FH and BM broke up she continued to watch SS afterschool (charging FH..WTF! That was your SS)..when she found out about me she told FH she can't watch SS anymore because he doesn't listen. It was FINE with me as I didn't want her watching SS. I found another sitter that he is now very happy with. When with BM she wouldn't take either kid to the park..all she fed them was pancakes and crap. Well I think her plan originally was to have FH beg her to continue watching SS because he was paying her less than a regular sitter. When that didn't happen, now all of a sudden she cares about SS..asking FH how he is doing,etc..now she wasn't a good influence in SS's life either..he may have to stay back in kindergarten because he is not socially at the same age level. This is due to her sticking both kids in front of the tv all day and treating SS like a baby..not nurturing him and teaching him as he got older. He speaks like a baby still and we have to continue to tell him to talk like a big boy. I love SS to death and plan on adopting him so I'm VERY defensive him now and don't want him anywhere near Ms. Piggy and her mom. Well she uses every chance she can get to "win" back SS. When FH drops off the "Baby" she always has candy and crap to give to SS. There have been several times she has called wanting him to go over..even chuck e cheese one day and he said no! he didn't want to go. She would always favor the "Baby" and yell at SS and was always smacking him..we actually have an early intervention specialist talking to him now.

On to my actual question...Easter is coming up. I KNOW she will make a production of getting both kids EAster baskets (her son is fine)..but I don't want her near SS..I resent it and it just infuriates me. If she wants to get him a basket I can do nothing about it..but I don't want him going over there. I plan on telling FH that when he drops off "baby" I don't want SS going..therefore he can get the basket from her and give it to him at our house. FH agrees with me that she has no rights to SS as she gave up those rights when she refused to watch him anymore..you can't be a "part time " parent. I think she uses him to keep another stringhold on FH..along with her own "baby". She might insist to FH to bring SS with her and I'm gonna have to make a firm stand that he is not going! (I'm not keeping him from going as he always refuses to go to her house to begin with).

Comments

fruitloop's picture

Submitted by fruitloop on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 2:48pm

Didn't you post earlier about how at drop-offs the 5 yr old always wants to go inside to see "mommy" and cries for her if he is made to sit in the car?

I realize that she may be using him a bit...but remember he is only 5 years old...and she WAS his "mommy" for the last 2.5 years before you came along. That is a lot of adjustment in that little guy's short life.

I don't see what the harm is in letting him get an Easter basket from her and having some contact with her - as long as it is minimal (short spans lessening in frequency over time) and supervised by your DFH.

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 2:48pm

I am not sure you want my advice but I really don't think it is that big of a deal. What difference does it make if she gets him an Easter basket or treat. No matter what she does he will still be your SS, no longer hers. A simple Easter basket won't bring him back into her life.

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 2:48pm

If I read your post right, you don't want SS going to her house, SS doesn't want to go, and FH agrees that she has no rights. She can't "insist" because she has no power to make it happen. You have every right to insist he's not going. Are you afraid your FH will try to get you to let SS go? If so, why would he do that?

If your FH objects, then I guess you need to have a conversation with him about your plans to adopt SS5. Ask him if he is in agreement with this plan. If he is, then you have equal say in making decisions regarding SS5. Regardless, Ms. Piggy has NO say.

Good luck!

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 2:51pm

Reading the other comments here, I may have spoken too soon. Does the SS5 usually want to see Ms. Piggy? I think the other posters remember your older blogs better than I do (I'm still pretty new here).

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

stepmasochist's picture

Submitted by stepmasochist on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 2:58pm

that she would charge money to babysit her former SS?

I almost want to charge to babysit my current skids, lol! Much less if FH and I were no longer together, damn straight I wouldn't want to just be a free babysitter.

I would find it hard to no longer have them in my life though. I've mothered them for three years.

I guess if the kid is refusing that's one thing. I don't know about this one. I suppose if you don't think it's good for him, you're probably right, but if you're only doing it out of your personal feelings for BM you might consider letting him have contact with her. I don't know all the details, but it seems you don't think too highly of her or of her parenting of SS, I guess what I'm wondering is, what's the harm in him going over there to get a gift from her?

kaffonseca's picture

Submitted by kaffonseca on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 3:03pm

That is the problem, he does NOT want to go..she has called and asked him to go chuck e cheese with her, he said only if I went and when I explained I couldn't he refused to go. We had to MAKE him go to her house for his little brother's bday party. She called me to pick him up(if FH is at work,SS is with me so he tells her to call me when she calls him for SS)Once there he was fine and actually slept over but that is because it was a party and there was tons of candy.

I have no problem with her getting the Easter basket..if she wants to waste her $$ that is fine..but I don't want SS to be used anymore and she needs to get it thru her thick head she can't be a "partime" SM...when I first met FH I thought it was nice and supported that she still ahd contact with SS until I realized how much it actually hurt him and made him digress. The whole time she watched him he gained 4lbs in 2 yrs. She used to tell FH that he was just a "picky eater". The 1st month I had him he gained 4 lbs. He isn't picky she was just too lazy to cook.
I have spoken to FH about this and he agrees that the contact has to be minimal,but she uses every opportunity she gets to continue to "Bribe" SS. I guess this was more of a VENT than needing advice.

Everyones Interest's picture

Submitted by Everyones Interest on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 3:06pm

I fully support what Mom2anb posted.

We are talking about a 5 year old little boy that has had a lot of changes in his short life. If one more adult (or 2 b/c you have mentioned Miss Piggy's Mom in past blogs) want to love that child, isn't he all the richer for that? Now he has a group of people that love him.

Additionally, it's not like he's spending loads of time with this woman. It sounds like it is really only a few minutes at pick up/drop off; so her influence on his behavior etc. should no longer be an issue.

Just my opinion.

* EDIT - I just read your response and didn't realize he was spending time and reacting that way with her. I stand by what I said, but maybe time should be limited to the pick up/drop off scenario?!?!?!

kaffonseca's picture

Submitted by kaffonseca on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 3:05pm

mom2anb - no he doesn't cry for her, half the time he doesn't even want to GO to the dropoff..I usually keep him with me unless we are all out at the time..if that were the case..I'd bring him in the house myself..that would break my hurt. I'm not evil like that. He calls BM's mom "mommy" (it was his Xgrandma???)..no THEY call him into the house when we do dropoffs so they can pump him up with candy. And it's this huge production.

fruitloop's picture

Submitted by fruitloop on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 3:14pm

I mixed up the Piggy with the Grandma...no wonder I was confused!!

I still think limited contact with Piggy might be good for him for a little while...as long as she isn't being mean or hurtful to him.

kaffonseca's picture

Submitted by kaffonseca on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 3:19pm

And I will admit I'm sure alot of it has to do with my dislike for BM. I will TRY to continue to support his relationship with her if that is what SS wants. I guess him going over there for an Easter Basket won't hurt anyone and if he feels that it is out love (whether it is or not) that is what is important for him..but she better not pull some "I'm having an easter egg hunt..crap I want him to come over" cuz' I told FH already that I plan on having one at our house for the kids. It is my FH's weekend with his "baby" so he will be at our house anyways.