Need Advice Please....
Hi everyone....I haven't been on in a loooooooooong while, everything has been going just great!! FH and I got engaged and are planning to marry soon. FSD still lives out of state and we would both love for her to be there. There is just one issue...there is no one to take FSD back to her home state after the wedding takes place. I feel selfish even asking you guys this but am I being fair by not wanting him to take her back the morning after we marry, without me??? It just feels odd to me, that a few hours after we get married he would be jumping on a plane...i dunno, what do you guys think?
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that's realistic
I wouldn't want my DH to jump on a plane without me the morning after my wedding either!
How old is SD? Airlines have procedures for unaccomanied minors and its not a big deal with they're not too little- would that be an option to get her home?
well she's 9
and although some might say that's old enough...i'd rather him take her back than her go back alone. too many sicko's in the world and i know that they would accompany her but it's not the same as a parents watchful eye or a family members watchful eye. I asked if FMIL would be able to maybe take her back if we bought her ticket but apparently although she flies with FH doesn't like to fly alone. If my son were getting married I'd do it...(i don't like to fly either) cause it's a one time thing but i dont' want to push the issue. I'm stuck here huh? I've got all kinds of family that she's very comfortable with that would totally take her back home but i'm sure her mom would NOT be cool with that.
It's not up to her mom
Do you think her mom would be cool if your family babysat for the evening? Nope, probably not. It's DH's call (and yours.) Anyone that the two of you think is trustworthy can babysit the kid. This is just babysitting on a plane and in an airport.
not selfish at all........
why would you want to do anything but snuggle up next to your hubby on your honeymoon? Have someone in the family that's coming take her back. If you can't find anyone then he wouldn't be going alone, I can tell you that! Waste the money and go with him if you have to, but don't be away from your new husband the day after your wedding.
Not cool.
I would go as far as to say that she shouldn't be there then. JMO........I know I know, she's his daughter. But you are going to be his wife and why should your ONCE in a lifetime marriage to this man be ruined to dance circles around her needs and crap? I mean seriously, is she going to reck her wedding when she grows up to accomidate you?
Okay, maybe I'm the selfish one, but it is your wedding and your honeymoon. It's not going to happen again. Things like this breed and fester and make us hate our step kids, and the BM, and the whole situation!
it started to fester
already...not with her but with FH. all of the plans that we're trying to make so far are totally dancing around her and when she's available from school. then there's the whole well she's here in the summer so lets do it in the summer to not have to get xtra tickets. times are hard right now, we've fortunately kept our jobs but we're afraid to go crazy with wedding plans just in case there is a rainy day. anyway i hate the summer..i hate being hot and sticky and mosquitos flying around. i can just see the makeup marks all over my dress now...lol..but i'm trying to work with it here you know...it would be easier and cost less if we just did it when she was already here...but the whole having to take her back thing the day after is what is killing me...i don't like that at all...the night of she would stay with grandma and the morning after he would pick her up and off to the airport they go..it would totally only be a turn around...BM would meet him at the airport to pick her up and he would get right back on the plane back home...but ahhhhh...i'm being a brat..lol..i would go with him but for that we might as well have the wedding in May and fly her out a month IIIIII actually want to get married. Oh well..guess i'm out of options here...
Could his parents accompany
Could his parents accompany her back?? Pay for them to do it.. tell them it would be a nice wedding gift from them as well!!
FMIL
is D and doesn't like to fly alone....and FFIL has some health issues and I wouldnt even feel comfortable asking. We would definitely pay for them to do that if they could but he doesnt' think FMIL will say yes. He's going to ask anyway but I'm not hopeful here...
Wait.. cant she stay w/MIL
Wait.. cant she stay w/MIL for the WHOLE length of your honeymoon then if its the summer, and then he can take her back AFTER the honeymoon??
If she can stay the one night, then why not a week or two???
dunno if she
would do that for us but it's definitely worth a try asking, can't hurt...well it might, but i'll see if FH will ask anyway...lol...
you know i wish sometimes that someone would just organize all of this crap and tell me where to show up on my wedding day...lmao...but life is not perfect!!
actually FH's response will be more like...
well that would mean i don't get to spend the entire summer with her. we were basically planning everything in hopes of having the wedding at the very end of the summer...right before she goes home to go back to school..
YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH...
.... it wouldn't be fair...
G
There are alot of sicko's in the world
but my son has flown as an unnaccompied minor since he was six.......from GA to CO! I hated it at first, and fussed and fussed and fussed about it! I just knew something would happen to my baby boy! My x (idiot) wouldn't have it any other way and insisted on how safe it was. After I had to go to court, because I refused to put him on that plane, therefore not allowing his dad to visit with him (BS by the way, I was just worried about my son), anways, the judge agreed with my idiot x and I've had to put him on a plane since. Guess what though, nothing's ever happend to him. As a matter of a fact I've yet to find a single instance where anything happend to a unnaccompied minor on a plane. It's even better now, since 911 no one is allowed at the gates except ticketed passengers, so she'll never be around anyone except people who have a ticket to board a plane. It's okay, and she would be okay to.
Just save yourself the worries and get a straight through flight. My idiot x always had my son stuck with a four and five hour layover!
I don't think you're being selfish at all
and I completely understand your reservations. However, I would highly suggest re-thinking the unaccompanied minor travel. I am on just under 100 flights a year, give or take, and I see unaccompanied minors all the time. They are watched like hawks. The parents, even without being ticketed passengers, can take them directly to the plane and get them settled in. The flight attendants hover over them and pamper them like no one's business. When the flight lands, the flight attendants will clear the child's row before they let any of the other passengers out of their seats and stand between the child and the de-planing passengers. Then the flight attendants will walk them to their next plane or to whomever is picking them up. IDs are scrutinized, paperwork is handled like the golden ticket, it's quite an ordeal. I've never seen anything but excellent treatment. Not to say that something bad CAN'T happen, but I think it could happen just as easily with a parent there as it could without. I just don't think the risk is that great. Let us know what you decide! And congratulations on the upcoming wedding!!
No way would I won't my new
No way would I won't my new husband taking off! If nobody else was available on DH side of family to keep her or simply accompany her back, I would certainly ask her mom if she could stay with some of your family until you returned. I think that's wonderful of your family to be so willing to be so accomadating!
I feel horrible
So i went and googled some more info on what others might have to say on the topic and seems like i really am a lil selfish b*** according to the other websites...you guys are sweeeeeeeeeeet!! these folks are out there taking their SK's on their honeymoons...actually spending time planning honeymoons that the kids will enjoy...one lady even took hers to disney world!! WOOOWWWWWW!! in my world, that is NOT happening!! I understand that you have to know that you're becoming a step parent and that this man comes with this wonderful daughter and you love em both...no problem!! but at what point do the lines start getting BLURRED!! that is just strange in my opinion....
problem
Another person on here had a big problem when her SD was flying by herself. Bumps, delays, bumps and delays. Finally the airport decided that she could spend the night in the airport by herself until a flight the next day. They did get it straight and put her on another plane but it was big ordeal.
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR HONEYMOON!
My DH and I got married last June in Florida. I always wanted to get married on the beach and he promised I could have what I wanted.
My SD was 5 at the time. There was no way she was staying with us during our weddingmoon and that was that. And BM would have flipped out if she stayed with his aunt, mother or father. (She's whacko) So she didn't come. We made sure to show her the pictures and the video afterwards so she knew it really happened. Sad, really...
This is probably the ONLY time you and your FH will have alone. Cherish it, guard it, protect it and fight for it! If the rest of the fam is going, be sure to keep them at arm's length so you can enjoy your honeymoon, just the two of you. His fmaily swarmed us and I was jacked.
Oh yes, the do gooders on the other sites.....
the ones that will tell you what a wack job you are if you have once single unangelic thought of your heathen step kids!!
Those forums usually go like this:
stepmomjen: My SD14 held me down and peed on my face last night....any suggestions?
other forum members: Well, step mom jen, maybe you can assess your part of this situation and see where the problem may lie with you. Do you talk about pee to much with her? Have you not told her specifically that this is not to happen, because you know you must tell the child every specific thing they are not to do, they shouldn't have any commen sense what so ever. blah blah blah blah blah, crap crap crap crap, blah, yadda, yadda, blah, crap.
StepTalk members: go pee on her head while she's sleeping. LOL!!
That is why I love you all so much. Supportive, sensible, funny, non accusing, etc.
Don't let anything change your plans for your honeymoon. Like I said before, this is once in a lifetime and it's for you and DH, though it would be nice for her to be there....if she can't then so be it.
And again, do you think she'll ruin her honeymoon when she gets married to appease you or her dad?
Oh that is too much!!!
You crack me up!
Btw, Congratulations!
My FH and I got engaged at Christmas and I completely understand what a nightmare planning a wedding around the skids can be.
Lots of luck! And you better believe, we are taking an skid free honeymoon!
Could both of you take her back? Then continue on to your
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
honeymoon destination? I know it would be more expensive, but this is your wedding.
And there's nothing selfish about wanting to be with your new husband right after you get married. Those who say your selfish to want to be with your husband, are the same ones who would call you an unloving b**ch if you said you wouldn't mind him leaving with his D right after you get married. So totally ignore that.
If it won't work for both of you to take her back, go with the idea of her staying with MIL. Don't know if your future MIL is elderly, or in poor health, but someday she'll want you & your FH to be there for her, so maybe she can start it off by being there for you!
Plane ride
As much as we all want the fantasy wedding and honeymoon, we don't all get it. When we already have children that is the reality of it. I have always thought we should put our children first-no matter what. I would be in a quandry too, if I was you, but my choice would be easy...start the honeymoon when he gets back. It will be okay. I promise.
We got married at city hall while our son was at the orthodontists, and we honeymooned 6months later when we could afford it. We realized that with our four boys (11,12,16,17) it really isn't about us, it's about them being happy and getting along as a blended family. Some things will come up with ex's that will drive you crazy, but take them with a grain of salt, it's the kids that matter.
I think there's a big difference if one person doesn't have kids
There is no way my second wedding wouldn't have included my children or my husband's child. Not judging, just the way we are. We included them completely in the ceremony, even wrote them vows that they could say, to support us coming together as a family - for all the good it did. We didn't take a honeymoon because we didn't want to leave the kids and because we couldn't really afford it, and because it just wasn't that big of a deal to us.
BUT... this was our second marriage. We got to do all the traditional wedding stuff the first time. I think it's really hard when one person doesn't have kids and this is their first wedding. Frustruated, this is your wedding (God willing, your only one) and you should get to experience it like the blushing bride you are. Yes, you are marrying someone with a child and sacrifices will have to be made. But flexibility is key. Send her home alone, send her with family, both of you take her home, wait for your DH to take her and then start your honeymoon. You really have several options, but the truth is that a honeymoon is not time specific. It will start when you start it. Frankly, you'll be so exhausted you'll probably want to take a nap and enjoy the peace and quiet for a few hours!
Unaccompanied minor works great
Our SD flew it from the time she was 6 - she was never alone for one second and it is almost hard to prove you are the right person to finally pick her up! Don't worry about it, she will be fine and DO NOT postpone your honeymoon!! Do the whole schmiel, it is your wedding day and night and honeymoon!!!! It is for you and hubby ONLY, no matter who else thinks they should be included!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
thank you guys
for all of your advice and comments....
FH is going to speak with BM to see how she feels about the unaccompanied minor thing...if she's ok with it we'll do a test run this summer...we've decided to hold off and get married early next year instead of this summer. by the comments i figured if we're going to do this, we should do it right..and i hate the summer...so next year it is. if we can't do the unaccompanied minor thing cause BM is not comfortable then i will either fly with him to drop her off after the wedding or he'll go alone...either way...life will not end and it'll be ok...i'm not going to focus on it or worry about it...just going to enjoy planning and that's that...so thanks again for putting my mind at ease...I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!