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MiseryNMissouri's picture

Submitted by MiseryNMissouri on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 11:54am

Like many others i have been just visiting for a short while and i just cant believe that so many of us are dealing with imature situations....is our society just this messed up...i mean it should be about the kids and raising them in a proper environment...me and DH have been married under a year and the drama from his ex kills me..i need some advice, how i do i handle discipline my SS but also allow my DH to disicpline my bsteen....i mean my teen sees the division between us when it comes to rules in the house....i will say one thing to bs and i know my hubby doesnt agree with everything i use as discipline, i can see it on my dh face when i discipline my bs, dh doesnt think i am tough enough on him...i know he is right but how to i involve my dh and use some of his suggestions..i hope this make sense to the group...but i need help because there is a division between us...

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imagr8tma's picture

Submitted by imagr8tma on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 12:01pm

The rules are the same for both kids. That is how i deal with it and BM. She has told DH that no one is authorized to say anything to SD, or be around SD but him.

However, i had a talk with him when i moved in with my BD(13). I have rules for kids, not crazy ones, but rules none the less. I really could care less how BM feels about them or what she has to say about them.

She does not pay our mortgage nor is she married to my husband. Everyone pulls their weight in the house and everyone has to behave or there are consequences bottom line.

Of course she is mad about it - but hell Peace in my house when both kids are there is paramount. She can get mad all she likes - but she has no say so in the rules or what we do in our home. She has no problem with sd participating in vacations, trips, parties, pool time and shopping. So she also has to abide by the house rules. AND that is the bottom line in my opinion.

MiseryNMissouri's picture

Submitted by MiseryNMissouri on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 12:40pm

Thanks

MiseryNMissouri's picture

Submitted by MiseryNMissouri on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 12:37pm

Thanks, for the input..didnt really know that people respond so quickly with sound advice...yeah my DH gets mad when i am not hard on my BS....i mean its not that im not hard its that my BS father is not in his life and i have had to be mom and dad....but the BM thinks that i shouldnt have anything to do with SS discipline, i just need more advice...not trying to lose my DH over this issue...sorry for venting or i dont even know if i am supposed to respond to peope directly so sorry if i am not following the proper protocol...i brain freezes up sometimes out here in Kansas/Missouri with the cold... LOL

imagr8tma's picture

Submitted by imagr8tma on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 12:02pm

Maybe you and DH could sit down and come up with the house rules together and then enforce them. That may ease some of the struggle.

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 12:07pm

Why don't you try checking in your county to see if there are some parenting classes and marriage enrichment seminars or something...or try counseling? Have you guys tried writing a list of rules and their consequences and then presenting them to your kids? Its going to take a lot of communication and compromise from both of you. I'm actually going through a similar situation with my DH and my son, his stepson. I'm looking into everything I just mentioned to you for myself as well. Good luck.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 2:14pm

you need house rules. My H and I set house rules and add to them as things change--or take some away. We have SD9 and BS2 (1 more in 4 wks). From the moment BS was born, we started having house rules. It is important to us to treat the kids the same, no matter if we have SD so little and BS 24/7. It is the only way to make the kids feel like equals in the blended family atmosphere. This save us SO much hassel, we back each other up and do not undermine one another. Even things as simple as time outs--whoever puts the child in time out takes the child out--no matter what. It shows them that we stand behind one another. When we change rules we sit SD down and tell her the new rule and why we are implementing it. But kids are kids they will try to get you to go back on one another so stick to your guns. If BS says SF told him something check with SF, don't accuse.

If either of you are upset about a punishment given out talk about after the child leaves the room. I think it is key that you sit both boys down and explain the house rules together. That they are the same for both of them, you are a family. If BM doesn't like it too bad for her. She doesn't run your house--you two do.

MiseryNMissouri's picture

Submitted by MiseryNMissouri on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 12:42pm

Sorry if i am not following the protocol again, i am getting the swing of this...i am not supposed to respond to each of you privately...LOL....forgive me group...

MSloan86's picture

Submitted by MSloan86 on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 1:29pm

I am partially in a similar position as your DH. I have a SD13 that my wife is way too lenient and inconsistent with. It is the #1 issue in our marriage right now and the focus of our counseling sessions. SD’s biodad is only in the picture minimally, mostly a 1x a year visit and occasional phone calls.
If my wife and I cant get on the same page it will be the end of our marriage at some point.
I have learned to let some things go, things that really shouldn’t be that big a deal, or aren’t worth the aggravation. There is an expectation of give and take, and I am trying to do my part.
My wife, however, does a lot of guilt parenting, and when we can agree on rules, she cannot remain consistent. This leaves me to enforce the rule, becoming the bad guy again, or let another ‘rule’ become overruled because its not enforced.
Is your DH looking for your BS to follow rules and expectations he expects from his own son? Or is he asking things from your son he doesn’t expect from his own?
Also, how old is BS and SS? That would help to identify expectations, as different age groups have different expectations.