are harder than others to love.

When my niece was little I used toi think the world of her. She has grown into a 7 y/o monster. If she didn't go to the christian acadamy her mom teaches at she would have been expelled by now according to my own brother. They are at their wits end, they have done time outs, taking away things, positive reinforcement, spankings. This kid got kicked out of xmas pagent practice, was drug down the hall yelling she hated everyone & kicked the recess teacher.

My brother & his wife are good parents, their other daughter is absolutely a model child, sweet and a joy to be around.

I avoid my niece like the plauge now. I have told my skids that if she is doing things they don't like or make them uncomfortable to come to me as they are mine and I will always take their side & protect them.

I can honestly say I don't care much for my niece, but I love her because she is my niece. I would do anything for her because of that love, she is my family.
If I had ended up with her as my stepchild I would need to drink a lot. I can't imagine how hateful she would be in that situation.

I have advised my brother to take her to a psychologist BUT they are kind of goofy religious & he won't. He is thinking of talking to their minister.

I think that there are many children that are difficult to love and then throw in unsupportive husbands that give BM both their balls & most of their money and that is how a lot of the gals end up here.

but what they are allowed to get away with. It makes a person harbor resentment. Also, many of us are blogging when we are at our wits end and need an outlet for pent-up, negative emotion so only the bad stuff comes out. When we are happy we don't have the need to turn to a sympathetic ear.

to pieces... it kills me that he is not mine. I like vickmeister comment above about at what point do we hold the skid responsible for their own actions and stop blaming the BM or the BD or whoever? I wrestle with that everyday when SS does something that is so totally BM style. I know SS knows right and wrong and SS will tell you himself that his mom is mean and is mean to others yet he can turn around and act just like her and that pisses me off becasue he knows better but I have never thought of him as a demon. He is precious in his own right he cannot help he has a psycho for a mom. And I am sure even though he knows right and wrong he cannot sometimes help himself as he is a product of his environment based on who is with most and that is 66% BM 33% H. when he with us he acts like us when he with her he acts like her. These kids lead 2 seperate lives pretty often.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

And any parent knows that teenagers are a trial, be they your own or skids.

I feel no guilt over my feelings towards SD17. I am fine with, in fact, love, SD14. Therefore, I know the situation is NOT me being the wicked stepmother. It is the personality of SD17, whose own father now admits shes rude, arrogant, and abrasive. Interesting enough is the fact that her mother does not even like her much. Oh, I'm sure she loves her, but she doesn't like her.

I don't expect H to love my sons. They are grown. And while he may like my youngest, it's not because he's my son-it's because he is polite, he is intelligent, and has an outgoing personality.

Tho I've know the skids for years, I've never really liked SD17, even when she was younger, She's always been a sullen kid, bossy, even when she was smaller. And just because she is H's, (or as a younger child bf's) does not mean I must immediately feel overwhelming love for her.

H could've made a difference early on in our marriage (like 9 months (now) isn't still early on). He chose not to. Now the boundries have been crossed. And still, tho she was eventually chastised for her rudeness, her arrogant attitude toward me, she was never made to apologize to me.

In my sons words, I am the most caring person he's ever known. That does not mean that I must like someone who treats me as tho I am something distasteful on the bottom of her shoe, regardless of her age.

Georgie Girl and Vick hit the nails on the head. Amen, Amen, Amen. And for me personally, may I just add in the most unhelpful of terms, that I have never been very fond of other people's children.

If you stick around, you will see this is a recurring theme, why dislike the kids, its not their fault, they're just kids. The answer is that like the others have said, the kids will be held accountable sometime, by the world in real life, so why is it wrong for a step to do so?

Maybe by not accepting the skids as they are, we can help them be more pleasant to be around or maybe even develop a gift or two they wouldn't have without us in their lives. Just like a 'parent' does!

Many people are drawn here because they can say what they need to, to feel better, because they don't have anyone they can talk to about step issues. I don't understand why anyone would object to that.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

Would people rather have stepparents vent on the children? Ya know, those poor innocent children the blog poster was referring to... I am NOT the poster child for perfect stepmother but I treated my SD like she was mine until she started abusing that. This is where the dislike starts, it doesn't start because I don't like her mother or whatever stupid ideas people think about that. It started when she became abusive and sneaky. When my son is a teenager, if he acts like my SD, I won't be so fond of him either. The only difference being I'll be able to speak to him about it directly without being afraid of upsetting him thus being able to actively work on a solution to his issues. SD is pampered and spoiled and cries at the drop of a hat if someone calls her out on the mean things she says and does. I can't condone that so I step away from it and vent here to people who understand. if other people don't like it, don't read it.

I couldn't agree more. I'm not even fond of kids myself. I love my own son but I could barely tolerate him when he was a teenager and no I didn't like him very much when he was 18-20 much either. I also choose not to be around people that have kids unless those children are well behaved. My FH and I will only accept invities where we know we can have a nice evening w/out our friends kids acting like brats. I do not tolerate backtalk, smartness, rudeness from any child, family or not.

Example of smart ass behaviour to an adult: At XMas my brother had his kids for the weekend and we were at my sisters. I went outside to get something out of the car and the kids were playing outside. One of them ran in to something and my sisters hanging potted plant fell to the ground. I was so startled I said oh shit. My snippy little 10 yr old niece (my brothers kid with his ex wife) had the nerve to come up to me all dramatic and say you know I have heard swear words before but I really do not want to hear language like that from my aunt. WTF!!!! I said look niece I am an adult and I can say whatever the hell I want so I suggest you keep your little snippy attitude to yourself and not try to act like you are an adult now get your butt over there and help clean up that mess!!! She was in absolute shock that I would even correct her so she went crying to my brother and I told him he needs to put his kid in check and he did.

I agree that a skid has to be held accountable for their actions when they hit the age where they should know better. When you constantly talk to your skids of their behaviors, the consequences, and behaviors they should be doing - but yet they still act out - what do you do. Hug them and say "I'm sorry, I know it is because you didn't get a good start?". Many kids in life do not get the best start, but it is what they do with the opportunity they have that makes them into the people they become. For my SD, I want her to take this opportunity and embrace it - still have a decent relationship with her BM - but embrace the fact that myself and DH want what is best for her and has given her every opportunity that any young kid could have, and has exposed her to many positive forces. In which, she would not ever have those opportunities with the dysfunct BM. Also, it is different when the kid isn't yours - you look at every situation without bias. So, it is easier for us as SPs to just dissassociate ourselves from the emotion of it all. Sometimes that is a good thing, because the skids get exposed for what they really are.

I agree that a skid has to be held accountable for their actions when they hit the age where they should know better. When you constantly talk to your skids of their behaviors, the consequences, and behaviors they should be doing - but yet they still act out - what do you do. Hug them and say "I'm sorry, I know it is because you didn't get a good start?". Many kids in life do not get the best start, but it is what they do with the opportunity they have that makes them into the people they become. For my SD, I want her to take this opportunity and embrace it - still have a decent relationship with her BM - but embrace the fact that myself and DH want what is best for her and has given her every opportunity that any young kid could have, and has exposed her to many positive forces. In which, she would not ever have those opportunities with the dysfunct BM. Also, it is different when the kid isn't yours - you look at every situation without bias. So, it is easier for us as SPs to just dissassociate ourselves from the emotion of it all. Sometimes that is a good thing, because the skids get exposed for what they really are.

You will surely be at the end of your rope...because that's how far you'd have to tread to understand each and every SM, or BM's situation on this site.

This thread should be on it's own ongoing category for all the times I see it, and all the different forms it's taken. And every time it comes up, it's sure to get a response. Some will tell you kindly that you just don't understand because you have been blessed with a less complicated situation. Some will be defensive because it's the umpteenth time we've seen this, and many times in the past it came from those who liked to step on soap boxes while not actively in the trenches day to day.

I want to stress that I'm not stating you fall into that category, just letting you know because you are newer, that the topic of ST encouraging us to hate children, has been a powerfully dividing presence in the past, just in case it takes off in the very negative direction of which you were inquiring. I also want to thank you for posting it, because I have been pondering my own post somewhat related, and yours, though not involved directly has inspired me to finally sit down and do it.

To answer the question- I do love my SD as much as my sons and all of them as much as BD 3. I do like BD 3 the most, not because she is mine and DH's so much as because she is 3 and mostly an utter joy for us all. Liking the rest of my kids depend on the day, SD and BSs alike. SD is here the most, and liking her is most challenging from sheer exposure time to all her issues. Those come by the way, mostly not from her perception of our relationship, or how much she thinks I love her, but more likely because her own mom loves her less than herself and demonstrates that in her apathy.

Through ST, I have learned that all of the above is not abnormal or reflective of my own ability to love a child, or my inability to get over my own insecurities about BM. Is that the case for some? Probably. But still I don't judge them. They have their own path to take.

And here there exists a space for those who are brave enough to admit the good the bad and the ugly, seek help dealing with it all, celebrate when we have successes, commiserate when we have challenges, and most importantly befriend and offer support to others going through it.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I think a great deal of our negativity or frustration as being SPs is that no one is willing to hear about the troubles that our blended families are experiencing. That in turn causes us to hold it in because it alienates us from friends. No one wants to be around someone who is always talking about their troubles, especially when they don't understand them or know how to deal or respond.

Our parents are there for us, but let's face it. They too get tired of hearing about it. You know the old expression shit or get off the pot. Well I believe that applies here. Yeah we've been having these problems and they are for the most part the same problems, but what are we doing about them?

When I began having problems and tried confiding in people I was going up against brick walls. I found some people were always "conveniently" busy when I called. You know always on the way out. I know that what I was experiencing was not right and I know that I was not alone. You would think that I would be able to confide in DH. NOT! Most DH are part of the problem so to b*tch about his parenting skills or lack thereof only creates problems in your marriage. It doesn't solve the problems with BM or the skids.

So when you have NOWHERE to turn it can feel pretty lonely. I think it just seems as though it breeds negativity because there are so many of us looking for a voice. Its so sad and unfortunate that we are overlooked and expected to be seen and not heard. No one wants you to step in and parent, but the parents don't want to step up and parent. So, the kids in turn run things and for most of us that is just unacceptable.

When we do step in and try to affect some change and order it is frowned upon. The kids cry that we don't like them, better yet that we "HATE" them. And sadly, at some points in our relationship we do feel that way. It is just hard to love someone who refuses to acknowledge you or your presence or your worth. I won't even address the BM issue here as that is another book for another day.

I think we are entitled to vent, curse, scream, hate, dislike or whatever else on here as long as we are able to get it out and move forward in our relationships. For some that is instant and for others it takes time. I don't think it should be held against a person for either. After all we are the only ones who really know how it feels. Are we to discount our own feelings because they are sometimes not popular? Hell no! Feel what you feel. To me that is what is important. I think when you stop feeling then you have a problem.

Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.

the kids problems to solve. So what if the kids are the products of the parents? And who really cares who the parents of the potential little delinquents are? If the kids are ill behaved it is the kid that will be disliked, beat up, put in jail, kicked out of school, etc.... And justifiably so in IMHO.

Some day that ill behaved kid is going to get it's ass kicked by another kid that will not tolerate the crap. Then the ill behaved kid will be totally devastated because no one ever told them that they are an intolerable little piece of crap. It won't be the bad parent(s) who's ass gets kicked. It will be the kid.

IMHO the best thing a parent (Step or Bio) is hold the mirror in front of the kid and hold the kid accountable for poor behavior. Coddling and avoiding the issue does not fix the problem or the kid. Regardless of who the kid's parents are.

So, yes, many of us come here to vent so we can get some perspective on how to communicate the nature of the problem to both the intolerable little shits and the spouse without killing the little shits or ending our marriages.

And ...... we come here because we do love the little turds.

Phew! I feel better now.

Best regards,

w skids its tough, bc if u dont like their behavior or disapprove of how theyre being raised, u likely have no say, unless u are custodial and even then u still dont have carte blanche like u woudl w ur own kids. many of us sit by and watch helplessly as our skids grow into little people we dont like. and bottom line, as humans, we dont like everyone we meet in this world. so why do we have to like our skids if they are rude, just bc they are our partners offspring?

we also have no rites when it comes to them...we are "just stepmoms" and are told repeatedly--by the kids, the BMs, the in-laws, and sometimes even our partners. alot of us are treated as outsiders, and with much disrespect.

that doesnt even factor in the BM...if u have an awful BM, like many of us do, the damage they do to these kids and how they brainwash goes a long way in how the skids view and treat us.

bottom line, this is a place to vent...most of us i dont think hate our children, or else we wouldnt be here seeking advice and we wouldnt be w our partners. and those of us who do, likely have good reason.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin