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I can't believe I've been used

ccoyle04's picture

Submitted by ccoyle04 on Mon, 12/15/2008 - 9:28am

I know I've been used, but can't believe how and by whom. SD 13 lives with us Full time. SD 10 lives with BM. SD 10 has been going on now for about 6 months how she wants to come live here, wants to go to private school, has visited the school, filled out the papers, etc. BM calls the other day to tell DH that SD 10 has something to tell him, but is afraid to. Now, she is relatively sweet, innocent, and immature for her age -- she still does the baby talk thing once in a while. She has suddenly "changed her mind" about coming to live with us. Can't get a straight answer out of her, just "I don't know" We took her home last night, and on the way back to our house, after we dropped her off, her sister tells us the whole story. Apparently, BM refused to let SD10 go to the "choice school" that she wanted to go to, so she decided to threaten BM with leaving to con her into going to that school. I so completely underestimated the sneakiness and underhandedness of this kid. The worst part is that I was looking forward to her coming. We were ready to tear the house apart and create a new room, just for her to have (at a huge expense to us -- that we just don't have). On the bright side, we don't have to do that now, but I can't help but feel betrayed by SD10. It really makes me feel like crap, especially around this time of year..... I (like the rest of you, I am sure) try to make sure the kids are happy, and when it really comes down to the nuts and bolts of it, they don't "pick me" to be with. How do you handle this--it's like a complete feeling if worthlessness. In my mind, I know that I don't have any say in what goes on with the holidays etc, but just once, I want someone to say that I matter. It's so frustrating. I wish I lived ALONE!

Comments

now4teens's picture

Submitted by now4teens on Mon, 12/15/2008 - 10:05am

Oh, it may FEEL that way, believe me. But your SD used EVERYONE in this situation- you, DH, AND BM were ALL used to get EXACTLY what she wanted.

Kids are no dummies, even if they seem immature at any age, they KNOW how to "play" all sides to get what they want in any situation.

But believe me- I can see why you would FEEL used. You were trying to open up your home (literally) to this child and do what was best for her. And now you feel totally played. And it hurts. And it sucks.

And I don't mean to downplay your feelings, but you have to just add this to the LONG list as "reasons it SUCKS to be a stepparent".

I'm so sorry this happened to you- and your DH. By the way- how did HE react to all of this?

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

SerendipitySM's picture

Submitted by SerendipitySM on Mon, 12/15/2008 - 10:14am

Never underestimate the shadiness of your skids - believe me!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

ccoyle04's picture

Submitted by ccoyle04 on Mon, 12/15/2008 - 10:28am

Dh just blew it off. Either he had a sneaky suspicion that she just was going to change her mind anyway, or possibly -- he wasn't all to crazy about her coming in the first place. Her sister was upset too.....and gave her the guilt trip "What, you don't love me anymore" line.

OK, so I have this really long list of reasons it sucks to be a stepparent. Does anyone ever reach a point where they just can't take it anymore. I feel like I am on stage everyday. I have to be happy everywhere. I am an administrator at a church--so I have to be a cheerful welcoming person (I'm not really - I wish they would all go away and leave me alone)but I do put on a good act, and when I go home, I have to be miss susie homemaker..... make dinner, do the laundry, help with homework.. etc I never have any time for me. Oh, and if I go back to my room, SD gets a tude...why am I not spending time with her. I never have a chance to be a grump, or miserable, or just get to be a bitch. I can't understand why I want to do that, but I do. I do love my husband, and I love where I live, and I don't want to change any of that, but on the other hand, I just want to be alone. Why can't anyone understand this?

childfree's picture

Submitted by childfree on Mon, 12/15/2008 - 12:42pm

Stepparents are suppose to be superhumans. The same emotions Bios are allowed to have regarding their kids,work or life in general...well we are NOT allowed those feelings because if we get down, bitchy, tired, fed-up etc...
The bios think we don't like THEIR kids. Every emotion we have whether it is related to skids or not is attributed to them somehow.
It is as though the world (our world) revolves around the "original" family. Too many times I have come home from a VERRRY long and tiring day at work(biomom does not work)and it just happens to be a Friday(SS visits every weekend) then my dh automatically assumes it is because SS is there that I am bitchy. Just yesterday BM called to see when we were bringing SS back. DH spoke with her and a few minutes later I left the house to go get some meds and DH actually had the nerve to think I left the house because I was pissed over bm calling.
Who died and made them God? Sometimes I believe Bios feel like everything negative is because of their kids because they know deep inside that the situation is not normal nor is it fair to the kids or the steps.
I do not have children because I never wanted them But, I care for my ss because I love my dh. Bios need to take the time to realize we do the things we do because we want to and not because we have to.

SerendipitySM's picture

Submitted by SerendipitySM on Mon, 12/15/2008 - 1:58pm

Now it's my turn to say AMEN to that!!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

ccoyle04's picture

Submitted by ccoyle04 on Tue, 12/16/2008 - 7:39am

Ok, I went off last night. I told it like it was. SD was being a bitch as usual. I understand she is 13 and moody, but damn it, I'm tired of it. I told them (DH & SD) how I felt, about having to be on stage all day, and when I come home I want to be able to be myself to be happy because I want to be not because I have to be. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around SD and that if she wants to be a miserable bitch, then go do it in your room. We are not about that in my house, and DH and I can joke and have fun, especially if she is in her room sulking. I actually find that fun, cause it really pisses her off. As usual, I helped her do her homework (although DH did help last night) and man, I'll tell you, I don't know how she gets by in school. Such crappy work. And if you tell her it is crappy, there we go, another attitude. We will see how it goes tonight. I'm going to devise a plan-- maybe even ditch them all and go to the firehouse or something.

"Stop this train...I want to get off"