The bio-dad AKA 'The Doorknob'
Ive been busy blogging telling my story so I thought I would do a write up about the BD as Ive read so much about crazy BMs.
My wife and the BD were never married. DW had just finished college when she got pregnant. BD was still in school. T. She eventually was living with his family away from her own when he wanted to start dating other people. DW obviously left. She started putting her life together. She was able to buy a condo for her and SD. BD would visit with irregularity. He wasn’t providing any support. When he did give $50 DW was supposed to act so grateful. He was a poor college student. He also had to run off and tour Europe that summer so money is tight you know?
DW got fed up eventually and took him to court. BD and his overbearing mother vanished after they were ordered to pay up. BD was 3 at the time. No calls, no cards or letters… nothing. Just a check from the state Dept of Revenue.
4 years later I began dating DW. BD sent a letter he wanted to reestablish contact. DW asked my opinion. I said she should allow it providing he agrees to stay consistent in his contact. If he vanishes again then he needs to stay gone.
So, since that time he generally calls one a week or two. They calls are generally brief. SD never calls him. After a number of calls he came to visit from out of state.
Since then he visits about once a year. Twice he came with his mother. They visit but there have been no overnights.
We learned he had married a girl from his home town. They had a D together, but she also had a D from another relationship. I still wonder what kind of story he told the single mom about his abandonment of his own kid. What single mom takes on a guy like this?
Anyway… BD is still in school working on his PhD. He has divorced his wife but its not public knowledge. SD doesn’t know. DW found out after asking him about his Facebook page listing himself as single. He thinks maybe he and his ex will work things out. Honestly… Im not sure what his deal really is.
The guy is very intelligent but is also a total idiot. Im sure you know the type. I call him the doorknob, because he is about as sharp as one.
Its both a plus and a minus to have him marginally in the picture. Its nice because I don’t have to deal with him or his mother on any regular basis. They can come to visit and Ive allowed them in my home for the benefit of the SD. The flip side is there are no breaks from SD. There isnt a week or 2 in the summer to look forward to some peace. No weekends without running SD here and there… I think I would take some headaches to get some peace.
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I thought he might still be
I thought he might still be married... He is out of the country for awhile for PhD related things so who knows? I honestly dont care about his status. Everything he does confirms his doorknob status.
SD is getting older and wants her own life... and that requires constant hauling around for years to come, which I am not looking forward to.
I hear ya!
MS, that's one reason why I waited ten years to
remarry!
My XH was never a "bad" guy, he was/is much a slacker, so when I was divorced (my kids were 10 and
3 at the time) and a single mom, I truly was a "single mom". He always worked erratic hours,
so, like you, I rarely got a "break". I really had
no time for a full time relationship in that I did
all the running around for sports, school activities,
etc. Luckily for neighbors/friends, I had people to
help out (my family is small, my siblings live out
of the area), but it was a struggle. NEVER a break.
If he took them for an occasional sleepover, they
were back first thing in the AM.
So, when I rant on here about my darling NOW DH, I
feel like I'm really taking a screwing here!! I not
only did the "right thing" in raising my OWN kids
alone when they were truly "kids", NOW that they are
older (my D is now 16, just got her drivers license yesterday!) I have his ADULT D's in our face
constantly yelling "daddy! daddy!". (I MUST admit, it IS better than it was in the beginning), but I
kind of HOPED that once the "kids" were out the door,
I'd be able to travel, etc. with my NOW H.
We'll see what time tells, but as many of us tell on
this site, just because they're GROWN, doesn't mean
they're gone!! They can even BIGGER pains in te A$$.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
That's how it is...
You want the BM/BD out of the picture, but if that happens then the Skid(s) are completely in the picture... and that's a pain, especially if they're rotten like my SD8.
Personally, I would definitely prefer a few headaches too if it meant I could get some peace and quiet away from the skids.
Thanks for sharing your story, Sloan.
MSloan- you are right
My ex is a total "waste" when it comes to my boys. Even when we were married I felt like a single parent. He was NEVER around- not for one school meeting, doctor visit, or even when my special need's son was in the hospital several times (I KNOW!- what a shit).
But since we got divorced in 2000, at least he's taken the boys every other weekend and one week every summer, so at least I have SOME SEMBLANCE of a break.
On the plus side, he never interferes with anything about the boys, so I have full discretion when it comes to decisions that are made about their lives. But on the minus side, he never cares about anything that's going on in their lives, even when I ask him to be a part of it. He never even came to his son's high school graduation. Again, I KNOW- what a shit!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Mine is a wasteland as well
5T - our ex's sound the same way to. My exH never came to anything for my son, his football games, school events, and even when he broke his leg and I told him I was taking him to the hospital he was like well I'm sure he will be fine. Gee thanks he was just knocked unconcious for half an hour is all scrapped up and bloody and his leg is hanging there thanks for caring. I never got a break either because my ex was so pathetic I would ask him to take my son for the weekend (he only saw him like 2 or 3 times a year) and he would say oh you just want me to get him so you can go out and party. What kind of person says that kind of stuff??? No dumbass because you are his father and you should want to spend time with your son. I had plenty of people to babysit for me if I wanted to go out. MSloan you need a break somehow!
Speaking of dumbass
Speaking of dumbass comments... When BD was still around but not paying support DW was arguing with him about paying something and being involved. He just came back from Europe and she cant even go out on a Saturday with friends. His response was she is a mom naw and has to give up the 'live easy lifestyle'. DW managed not to murder him on the spot, but that was the last straw and got her to drag him into court.
I know I need a break... Just dont know how Im going to get one.
Ema, isn't that pathetic?
The boys and I were watching some old videos of them when they were younger, and in all of them it was only me with them (and sometimes my ex's parents)- IN EVERY SCENE!
The boys kept asking, over and over, "So, where was dad THEN?" and I just kept telling them, "I guess he was OUT again" and my special needs son says, "I guess he was at the bar playing darts!"
He made me bust out laughing! Oh, he cracks me up!
Even he 'gets' it.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Sloan, my son has watched his stepsister & stepbrother
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
be handed everything on a platter-and yet has turned out to be an amazing, caring young man.
The ex did everything legally possible to get out of c/s, and it worked. The $99.00 I got a month didn't go very far-in fact, without my parents help, I would never have made it. I worked, raised my son-and watch him watch his father hand everything to the steps. Yet he wasn't jealous. He felt bad for them (SS & SB) because of how they grew up-their mother worked and lived in one town, they lived in another, in an old trailer house, next door to their grandparents, and raised themselves. SB worked after school to pay for groceries, SD cooked, cleaned, took care of younger sis, now deceased.
Once my son turned 18, he could no longer spend the night in their house-what used to be his home. He still does not, to this day. He stays here. Yet when his SS was pregnant and unmarried, where do you think she stayed? Yep. then there's the farm. the ex set up a shop for SS on the farm. Do you think for one minute he did anything for his own sons involving this farm, which he inherited? Nope.
My point is-I watched my son do without, because I did not have the money to give him material things. But he did not lack for love. His father was a nightmare-so bad, that psychiatrists recommended my son not live with his father, as the situtation would be detremental to our son.
For a year or so, I probably did guilt parent a little-like letting him date an older girl, not coming down on him for grades like I normally would have. But that didn't last long-not when I saw what I was doing. I corrected myself.
And the fact is, I did not want a man disciplining my son. I wanted it to be between my son and myself (of course, ex was such an a$$ that at that point I didn't trust men). So I stayed single. Intentionally.
That's why I don't buy these remarried birth parents guilt parenting excuses. If they wanted to parent their child alone, if they didn't want a partner to discipline (and love) their child, they had the option, as I did, TO REMAIN SINGLE UNTIL THE CHILD IS GROWN.
An option I now so wish my H would have chosen.