"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Of course my answer is coming from the view of extremes-my life with H.

Had I known-had he told me-every move I make, everything I do, how I live in my own home, would be constantly critized, had I known his queen is SD17 and always will be, had I known my life would be ruled by his happiness or unhappiness, attempts to please the sullen and ever demanding SD17 I personally would never have married H.

I saw my Dr. yesterday. I am now on Inderal, Toradol, and Xanax. Thanks, H. Prior to marrying h 6 months ago, I was not taking any prescriptions, except for an occasional migrane (maybe once every other month or so).

I am one of the lucky ones, tho. I see so early that this marriage is no marriage at all, merely self-induced slavery. And I say self-induced because i am the one who said yes when H proposed. So I am planning my freedom before I invest 5, 10, 18 years in this mess, like some on here have suffered thru.

I've observed from reading the posts for awhile, there seems to be two groups of us. One group is miserable, for the most part. The other groups is hopeful. The difference? The attitude of the H. or DH. or Bf. or W. The group that is treated as a partner, whose H backs them up with the BM's or Skids, is the hopeful group. The ones who contantly have to battle for even the smallest right are the miserable one.

If H lived here on a daily basis, my whole life would be hell. Isn't that an awful statment from one who has been married only 6 months? I can't beleive, still, still, that this is my life.

Single life - which I remember clearly, as it was only 6 mos. ago, was happier, less stressful. Sure I got lonely. Sure it was hard financailly. But my soul was intact.

H. and I could have had it all. H makes a good income, likes his job. I am intelligent, and crave schooling so I can become a successful, satisfied woman. With my kids grown and his nearly grown, working together, in 5 years we would have been able to attain our dream, of living and working near the ocean. And having a partner to share our lives with.

But he has ruined all that. I don't think anyone would be happy living in a marriage where he/she is not first in the heart of their spouse. And never will be.

Hi! You're still in the "what's going on phase" of
your relationship where you're doing ALL THE WORK
and getting very little in return. Sure, there are
happy moments when you are getting along great and then WHAM! In your case, BM or SD come out of nowhere and just blindside you.

IN TIME, you will learn to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF and
COMMAND the respect you deserve. This site WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE, believe me. Luckily, BF is still
just your BF, and you may have to make some drastic
changes if he is considering a future with you.

Hang in there; it takes TIME, but you will be a much
happier person in the long run.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Alot of our problems with the BM started AFTER we got married. my SS lives out of state,they had a verbal agreement on visitation and CS. 2 months after our wedding the fight began. we have spent close to 10grand if not more on lawyers,visitation agreements (that had to be handled in HER state)appeals, back support,and now the new support the courts nailed us with, OH YA she got us big time. my marriage started off with a bang!!! my 19 year old son has a baby ( a year old monday), my DH started his own business.
so I told him the other night this is how I feel I rank in his life.#1 buisness,#2 his son #3 the dog ( she is absolutly in love with him)#4 MEEEEE would I do it again?
Yes, he really is the love of my life,I waited so long for a person like him, he's told me I'm his other half, so thats it. we still need to be on the same page with a few things, and that would be my advice to you, make sure you have everything out on the table BEFORE you get married, we got broad sided a few times and wern't ready but we plowed threw it, and it was not FUN.

Like Bewitched, I married DH only to discover that he talked a good talk, but when push came to shove, I rank well below his adult children. Every time.

Last night, for example, I got an email from my bank about a low balance on my checking account. Strange, I thought. Turns out DH took money from my account to give to his favorite Poopsie Princess SD27 because she "needed it." I felt sick--I was SO ANGRY!! When I confronted DH about taking MY MONEY for Poopsie Princess without even the courtesy of letting me know, he got angry at my "bad attitude." He said he "forgot to tell me--he's been so forgetful lately." I reminded him that he certainly didn't forget to hand over my cash to Poopsie Princess, now did he?

I was so upset and overwhelmed that I went into my office and burst into tears. It's not a lot of money--$100--but it's the $100 that has completely broken this marriage. My tears weren't for the money--that's gone and will never come back to me--but because I was sure, at that very moment, that there was no hope left for DH or my marriage.

Things like this that reinforce that I come last in DH's life have been happening for years. I just overlooked the signs and signals, always hoping that things would get better after his brats turned 18 and moved out. I was also afraid to admit to myself that I made Marriage Mistake #2. I've put my own future and my daughter's college education at risk for DH and his loser adult kids. But no more.

So, Itwillgetbetter, I certainly hope that it indeed gets better for you and BF. Love is a powerful force. But please pay attention to the signs and signals before you commit. I wish I had, and I am sure Bewitched feels the same way.

Do you really think life would be better on the other side of it? Sometimes the grass isn't always greener. I think that sometimes you could have other issues, in life that makes your life not worth it - without skids etc...

Sometimes, I do ask this question to myself but I end up saying - it could be worse for me if things were different. For me, I have DH that currently loves me and is on my side of things. So, I think I can manage.

Now for those in verbally abusive relationships with DH and have to deal with other signs of mental abuse - I wouldn't take it - not even for another year.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Sarah-I am so feeling what you are saying. And your H didn't even have the decency, the grace, to discuss it with you first. That's my point. H discusses nothing with me-spend,spend,spend on SD17, on himself...while I get raked over for the grocery bill...

After H was thru taking SD17 on her amusement park weekend, and we took SD13 shopping, he then buys the matchy matchy shoes for himself & SD17-and announces to me the very next day-NO MORE SPENDING NOW. Yeah, Right. Since the three have everything they want for the moment. Once again. Their desires are fulfilled. Glad I didn't want anything (c'mon, of course I did, I'm a woman, after all!)

And like you, it's not the money. It's what the whole scenerio says about our standing, our value. The inner rage that comes with being treated as inconsequential by the very men who convinced us they wanted to SHARE their lives with us.

We are trying to integrate ourselves into someone's ready-made life. Our men have kids and exW's, and we're supposed to find a way to fit in...or at least that's how the men act. What none of them really fully get is how HARD it is for US. They are men afterall and can't relate or empathize like women do...they're just not wired that way. So they really don't fully get how hard it is to come into this ready-made family and be a part of it while retaining "us". I told H before we ever got close to getting married that I was afraid of losing "me"...he didn't get it and got all uppity like I was accusing him of domestic violence or something. He just couldn't get that I had/and still have to bend myself to fit their life. I don't have kids of my own...I don't enjoy cold...so sitting at a hockey rink for hours on end day after day is NOT my idea of a good time...but I try to go as much as I can (and get bitched at when I don't go enough and enough is never enough for H). And I have to live in the house he had with EW where she's barged in and acted like she still owned it for the last 9 months...it's just part of all the crap I have do deal with in trying to have a life with H.
Somewhere somehow we think that our love for our guy is enough to compensate for all the crap we have to deal with...but unfortunately alot of the time it just isn't enough. I for one feel like I'm watching alot of MY DREAMS whither and die because we're so busy living 'his' life. It's kinda depressing sometimes.
But still we all hang in there because somehow the reward we're getting from our signifigant others is enough to keep us from running away. I still don't know what it is...wish I did.

I made the mistake last week of protesting when F again tried to shut me down re: some recent BS regarding BM. His usual "don't even start b/c I'm mad enough already" just rubbed me the wrong way, and I said "have you ever even thought about how I feel in all this?" Man, if looks could kill, I'd be dead on the floor in Blockbuster. He muttered something about, "well it pisses me off so I'm sure it makes you mad too", and walked away.

This is an aspect of him that drives me nuts. In my last relationship my H couldn't ever understand my feelings b/c he was so out of touch with his own. This time, I went for the opposite, and got a man who has trouble seeing past his own emotions, because he's so intense.

That was the end of that. For now. My response to his reply is going to come out sooner or later. "Yes it makes me mad, but I don't HAVE to deal with this! She is not my child, I make the choice to care and to love both of you. But beyond that, I have to sit on the sidelines while you refuse to stand up for yourself and your kid and ME. I have zero power and control in this situation, and YOU won't even let me have a voice about it! So yes, I'm MAD, but I'm also frustrated, unappreciated, and disenfranchised, and none of that last part has to do with BM and her BS!"

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I've asked myself so many times if this is all worth it. I thank my lucky stars that for the last 5 years I've only had EOW and not full time. I'm not sure how I would survive otherwise. My BF and I have put off marrying until SD is 18 (although we are so financial linked with mortgage and car payments what's the difference) because of the trama and drama is in our lives. There have been so many times where I have been ready to walk. But I always come back to the fact that I love BF. And just because this is hard, doesn't mean I'm ready to give up. My solution: venting to a couple of close girlfriends and this wonderful site. Without though things, it wouldn't be worth it and I'd have to give up and move on.

Good luck, take it one day at a time, find the little things that help you get through and hang on to them.

my take is this..... your relationship w/BF will only be ruined by SD and BM if YOU allow it to be. YOU alone control yourself and no one else. That said...... you cannot allow BM and SD to determine the future of YOUR relationship. Things only bother us when we allow them to do so.

HE is the one who needs to correct the behaviors. HE should not be answering when he calls...he needs to train BM that he is not at her beck and call and she will cut down the calls...trust me, it worked for us. HE needs to tell his daughter to respect u and tell her how she is expected to treat u. if u dont have his support, u dont have anything and i think thats the issue here. we all have problems...BM, skids, whatever. but its HOW DH handles the problems...BM, skids, whatever...that makes all teh difference in the world.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

like some of these other lovely ladies have said , get's some balls love and stand for your self! otherwise you will be walked on all the time! Tell him you are wanting changes for the better!
yes we all in different stages , and some of us get fed up and do leave , my god if the cs agency dont take all the 31 pages of crap i put into account & vote for us ,'ll be screaming blue murder and you will all hear me! There are 4 things why i havent backed down yet and they are my 4 children! They dont desreve to have no father full time, its not their fault that there are the 2nd family. If my marriage fails it will be on our faults not the bm, sd's or the 3rd party making us end it.
Power to us all! this was real postive pitty next week i'll be on a downer!
only jokn ..... its not over to the fat lady sings!!!!

No, it's not worth any of it...Had I knew that I would wind up raising his spawn from his first marriage full time I never would have married him..Had I known that he was going to behave more like he is married to his brat daughter then to me..I wouldn't have married him...If I would have known even a quarter of the crap I know now...I wouldn't even have gone out on a first date with him..I would have ran screaming in the opposite direction...The truth is that I am to the point that I hate him and his demond spawn