A really sad Halloween
This is my first blog-and it's probably going to be waaay too long. But here goes.
Tonite is my oldest sons' birthday. He's grown now. I don't know where he is. I don't know his phone number. I only know that he drives truck for someone somewhere in Colorado.
I'm sorry-this is very emotional for me. I'm crying as I write this. My oldest was 16 when his father and I divorced. He asked me to wait-but I couldn't. I had waited 4 years-4 years of knowing my then H was cheating. knowing everything he said to me was a lie. knowing he was stealing from his employer (he worked for UPS). 4 years that are hard to recall because I was nearly out of my mind, dealing with his sociopathic behavior and trying to keep my sons safe.
My oldest seems to have blocked it all-I don't know. I remember being on a ladder in our garage, way up high, finding all the stolen things my husband had hidden away-including money I have saved from my paychecks to take our sons to Disney land. And my husband trying to push me off that ladder to save his ass. And my oldest son standing in the dooryway, yelling at his father.
A couple of days later, my then H overdosed. He worked nites, slept days, so when I went to wake him, he wouldn't waken. Empty pill bottles all around. That's when he was forced to go to a psychiatrist. They were going to send him to a mental hospital if he wouldn't go voluntarily for treatment. And that's when he was diagnoised as a Sociopath.
I remember letting his father come back, time after time, and his father going right back to the cheating and lying the very next day.
Why this boy chose to live with his dad after the divorce, I'll never understand. His father treated him so cruelly. But that's where he decided to stay and at 16, he was allowed to make a choice. I remember talking to a mental health professional who had known my H's family for many many years. She said they were the most disfunctional family she had ever experienced thru her years of practice. And he stayed true to form-H was as screwed up as any of them.
A couple of years ago, my oldest son cut all communication with his family. With me, his brother, his grandparents (my folks), his father, his stepbrother & sister. No one hears from him. I know he's ok, because I found him on My Space. He posts on there-but never answers my emails. Never. Not one.
So I'm here. Missing him. Just want to hug him. Tell him I love him soooo much. Ask him-what did I do wrong? It's so hard being alone tonite. It is one of the two hardest nights of the year for me. I won't go into what the worst nite is-can't go there tonite. Can't handle that pain. But I miss my son. And I could really use a hug tonite. (yes, I'm full of self-pity tonite.) H stayed at his work apartment this weekend so he could take SD17 to the amusement park. Geez, I'm a mess. Sorry.
Wherever you are, my son, Happy Birthday.
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I am so sorry
At least you know he is okay. Some people take along time to heal from tramatic events and bad childhoods. I am thinking your emails at least let him know you still care and are there for him if he needs you.
Hugs to you!
Awwww....
I feel so bad for you that you are having to go through this! HUGS to you!
wow, this made me tear up.
wow, this made me tear up. This actually reminds me of my ex-H & his mother...very sad situation. I'm so sorry for you and your son. I hope one day he will come around!
Sorry, was a total emotional mess last nite
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Went thru my melt down, and am alive today-with really sore eyes. That's why I rarely let myself cry. I solves nothing, and you're all puffy the following day.
And thanks for letting me let it out and your kindness.
This is what I got from H.
He calls me from the bathroom at the amusement park he at with SD17. Complains about his gout, how tired he is, and his bowels.
And, oh, I also get "I'm sorry you're feeling this way-go rent a movie".
Sooo. I rent my movie. I have my meltdown. Here with my dog and my cat. I wait till I know they're done at the amusement park, call H and tell him I really just need to talk.
Me (crying) "where are you at"
H-just left the amusement park, lot of traffic. Call later.
And that's ok. I wouldn't want him to have an accident, for sure.
Call him back in 45 minutes-that's how long it takes to get to the apartment from the city.
Me (yeah, still crying-this was a major meltdown for me) "Where are you now?"
H-"Just pulled up to the apartment"
Me_"Do you have a few minutes-I really need someone to talk to"
H-"sure. I'm sorry you're sad"
Me-"No one understands. Im not mad at my son-no one else was there-they don't know that it was like for him those last 4 years of my marriage to his father"-and then I went into some of the details of how it actually had been. Crying the whole time.
H (how he responds when he's preoccupied and not really listening to you) "Um, yeah"
H again "I won SD17 a bear" - then, obviously speaking to SD17-"Is that a bear or a dog I won you?" then, to me "Almost won her a twentyfoot snake." Then muffled conversation between H and SD17.
Me-still crying-but even harder now because he so obviously doesn't give a damn-"Well, you're busy. I'll let you go"
H-"Ok. Bye".
C'mon, you guys-he had the whole day with SD17. I waited to talk to him about what I was going thru until I knew they were back, (about 10:00 pm) so I wouldn't interfere with their fun. And he wouldn't even give me 15 minutes of his precious time.
This isn't what I signed up for when I signed that Marriage License.
not to defend H.....
, and first I wish to say to you that I'm sorry for the pain you feel. I could not imagine how hard it would be to go on through life w/o seeing my kids......I get depressed every time they go back to their dad's. But with your H , I'm wondering if his additude comes from fear. Fear of not knowing what to say, with such a heavy subject, and not wanting to say the wrong thing he comes off as callous. ?? Some times my DH gets a little scared over some things that I have had to go through, and I think he does not care....but in the end, there he is to catch me. He can never seem to be able to connect with me on the phone during a "crisis", but when he is standing before me, it is easier for him to "be there" for me. i don't know if this is the case for you and your H, I know I was surprised when I finally realized what it was for mine, he came right out and told me he was scared to screw up and say something dumb, and here I was begging for anything!! Now we know. I would talk to him about this, and see what is driving him to be like that. JMO, of course. I feel for you, I hope things get better."~waiting on the world to change~"
I don't know...I hope you're right
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I just don't know. What you're seeing is, in part, what happens when two adults have lived alone-or alone with their kids, for many, many years.
But I remember when he had his needy time. It's been a few years, we were dating. He called late on Sun. nite and said his ex had sent the police over and they'd taken his daughters. So I rushed right over. He had his mom there. He was crying. crying. crying. I told him to call his attorney (turned out she had made up some story about his being abusive-the kids were returned the next day). I tried to leave at about 2:00 am as I had to work the next day. But he begged me to stay. He didn't want to be alone (his mom had gone home). So I stayed. And was two hours late to work the next day. I did it for him. Not for me. For him.
When his daughter knocked her teeth out on the trampoline, we were also just dating. But it was me he called-and I ran all over town gathering up whatever she would need when they got back from the dentist. And when his mom was in the hospital this summer-even tho he was in a horrid mood and saying real cruel things to me, I stayed by him. She's fine now, by the way. Point is-he sure wants me to be there for him.
And he knew Halloween is my sons birthday-knew it would be a hard day for me. As it turns out, it was also very hard for my youngest son. That's why he's on his way here as I am writing this.
I just hope you're right. I hope it isn't because he just couldn't care less (tho that's what it looks like-I can't imagine going off having a holiday with my son if my spouse was hurting).
He needs a talking to!!
First, about your son. I unfortunately have some experience with estrangement, with my DH, from his daughter 17. That is the issue that brought me to this site. We have gone long periods of time where one or both parties refuses to speak to the other, for valid reasons really, and I think those times are necessary because we refuse to be manipulated by a kid. But it is VERY hard on DH, even though he feels he is doing the right things and so far things stabilize a while before they go down again. SO if you search on the Internet, there are estrangement support groups online that sound like something that will help you.
I will PM you with the best one I found, it really helped me, as well as this site. We do keep it private because often the other parties get on some sites to berate their parents/other parties until you can't get any peace and are attacked by somebody else's kid that hates their parents and takes it out on you. There are a lot of sick people out there!
Then, your DH. He needs to know and you need to tell him, how much this hurts you, that you are there for him and he is not there for you. You have to train him to support you and tell him exactly what you need. I give my DH specific phrases to tell me, that he does know now when I melt down. He may be uncomfortable with you needing help but for your marriage's sake he needs to figure it out, support cannot be a one-way street. Tell him you need this, tell him little things that you want him to do, and he may be glad to know what to do for you.
You do have to repeat this as needed, but eventually it is easier for him to just support you, than hear about it all the time!! and that is when you have him, trained!! good luck honey, I will PM you too.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Your DH needs to get a clue
I'm sorry but I am a little more blunt. First of all let me say that I am sorry about your son. I was estranged from mine for over 2 years and sometimes things are still rocky between us but I love him and thought about him every night when we were apart. Don't be suprised if your ex husband has filled your sons head with so much poison and bitterness that he does not know the reality of the situation. I'm sure in time your son will wish to speak with you but I know RIGHT NOW it hurts. Now for your DH - it is not all about HIM. You have been there for him through everything and you have helped him with those girls and I don't care if he was in the middle of getting a root canal he could have stopped for 5 minutes to talk to you - even if it was just to LISTEN and provide a comforting word or two. I'm sorry you had to go through this and not get the support that YOU DESERVE. You have some great advice in the posts above which I really can't add to any of it because you will do what is best for you. Take care of yourself and slap that DH of yours upside the head because - you and your feelings matter!!!
They do come around
My oldest wouldn't speak to me for 2yrs and it nearly killed me. I knew he was having emotional problems after he came back from Iraq but he pushed me away. I cried and prayed every night until it felt like I couldn't cry another tear and then I start again. H was absolutely useless. The only thing that kept me sane was my youngest son. Then out of the blue about 4yrs ago I get a letter that said "I'm sorry. Do you still love me?" We're still a little cautious around each other. I don't want to say or do anything that would drive him away again. He's started to open up to me a little. It breaks my heart to know he's in so much pain but he's learning to let it out. I've got callouses on my knees from praying but it was worth it. I'll say a prayer for you tonight and every night. Keep believing he'll come back. Have faith miracles do happen.
Families..
Hi, Bewitched. I'm currently "estranged" from my son (23)
and most of my family at this point, largely due to the fact
that, along with my adult SDs, I just said NO MORE CRAP from
anyone. Basically, I've been paying all my sons bills, etc.
for years, he decided to quit college his senior year, stuck me
with a whole bunch of bills (apartment he had no intention of
paying anymore, but I had to keep paying it)...basically, he's
a spoiled BRAT. I had to stop the enabling, so, of course, I am
the "bad guy". My family thinks I'm being too "harsh" (I gave
him 6 months notice, but he never thought I'd just hand him
his bills and say PAY THEM!! He thought I'd crumble, of course).
Just in reading other blogs here, EVERY family has its hard times. Please don't beat yourself up. My family is very
judgmental (dysfunctional), and until they can be PLEASANT
and kind, I really don't want to deal with their ongoing tales
of woe. As Roseann Roseannadanna used to say, with my family,
"It's always something", and I just need a break from them ALL.
I'm very concerned about the situation with your H. Bewitched,
that is downright EMOTIONAL ABUSE. For him to treat you like that is INHUMANE. PLEASE PLEASE find a job, get moving on the
LPN school, STOP letting this man torture you like this. As
long as you keep letting him STOMP ALL OVER YOUR HEART, HE
WILL. NO ONE deserves what he is doing to you.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Kitkat, I know everything you stated is so true
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Every single day I look for job openings here. Man, the economy everywhere is bad, but this little town is drying up quicker than I could imagine. So, Wednesday afternoon I have an appointment at a college 30 miles from here. LPN classes won't start till fall, which would give me some time to get the prereqs done. We do have a tech school here that offers a respiratory therapist program that I will also be looking into. Just wish I could find a job in the meantime. I know you're right. I know he's being emotionally abusive, and i was a total fool for letting myself become dependent on him.
And no matter the reason, being estranged from your child is painful. Critisim from your family is the last thing you need, when you are trying to make a hard decision, but one that ultimately is the best for your son and yourself. The old phrase "tough love" comes to mind here.
From some of your posts, it sounds as tho your SD situation is not all that different from mine, except your sd's, if I remember correctly, are older (thinking of the World Series trip you so wanted here). We all need to have one person-just one person in the world that we are No. 1 with. Thought he felt that way about me-that man chased me for years. Now this. You sound like you are more level than I, however. I, unfortunately, have always had emotions ruling my head.
So, until I can into school, or land that elusive job (at this point, even a low level, low paying, barely making it banking job like I had sounds like heaven) I'll just have to deal with it the best I can. I made my bed, guess I'll have to sleep in it. For Now. If I don't have a nervous breakdown in the meantime.
A BOOK I recommend
Men Who Cannot Love, Steven Carter/Julia Sokol...I was once in
a relationship like yours; they MUST have you, then once they
get you, they look for every excuse in the "book", no pun intended, to avoid the COMMITMENT.
I was "single" for ten years, dated lots of JERKS, like the one who prompted me to do my HOMEWORK, so to speak. IT IS NOT YOU.
(I would send you the book, except I gave it to one of my
friends who passed it to a friend, etc.) Its' all about Passive Agressive Behavior. They do things that aren't so "bad" to piss you off, but somehow you end up looking like
the "bad guy". They disappear (like, to amusement parks with
their daughter, never bothering to CALL YOU or even spend five
minutes on the phone with you, IT IS DISRESPECTFUL!!), but if you say something, MY GOD....YOU ARE THE BAD ONE. "What's so
WRONG if I want to go to a park with my daughter?"
At 17, she should be riding rides with her FRIENDS, not her
DADDY. YOU WILL BE OK, YOU WILL NOT HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN;
I'm certainly not more "level headed"; I just read a lot and
listen to lots of other stories.
Bewitched, you can UNMAKE that bed, too. Please stay positive.
KNOWLEDGE is POWER, my friend!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
I'm so going to find that book!
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And I know what SD17 is up to, wanting "Daddy" to take her to the amusement park. It's so transparent.
1) he also took her shopping at the mall
2)gave her time to cry to "Daddy" about how much she hates living w/BM. See, she graduates in May. In the fall, she's going to Jr. College in the same town she lives in with BM right now. She wants to rent a house her BM owns, and live with a friend. So she had two days to set the stage-cry to "Daddy" about how much she adores him, how badly BM treats her. Now, where do you suppose she is expecting to get the rent money from? You guessed it-"Daddy"! Of course, H doesn't see what she's up to. She's buttering him up for the big one, you can be sure. I pray to God I am gainfully employed by the time May rolls around, because if he agrees to this, it'll be the last straw.
And H didn't just go to the park with his daughter-they planned it-it's near his apartment, in the city. So they planned to be alone all Halloween weekend. And H knew it was my oldest sons birthday; he's known me long enough to realize it was gonna be a difficult time for me.
Gotta find that book!