She's probably feeling inadequate and guilty if her son is making these types of choices. And if she's putting off having kids with you...that's not good. She has agreed to have your children, right? If so, I would think she'd want to get on that as soon as possible. I think you should tell her that you love her, but you feel used and blamed. See how she responses -- she may give you the answer you need to move on -- with her or without her.

From reading your post, it sounds like you are fighting against what is best for you. If she is okay with ss living with her dad, and ss wants to live with her dad, then you don't have to live with ss. BINGO Maybe you're life will settle down and you can have the relationship with your wife you always wanted. I say, wish them luck and focus on your marriage.

"he's old enough to make his decisions (he just turned 16), and he's quitting school and moving with his grandfather next school year." If he does quit school I would make sure he stays with his grandfather. That way you won't have to deal with him and his issues.
" I told her that since I don't have a family of my own that I didn't get married just for the sake of being married. I got married to start a life with the woman that I love (or loved). " If its a deal breaker that you wanted kds of your own and she isn't going to deliver then why not start the paper work for the divorce? I will give her credit for the fact that she knows the marriage isn't going to make it and she doesn't want another divorce and more children of a divorce under her belt.
She may be using you now for the nice neighborhood and lifestyle, but hopefully it didn't start out that way. The problem is that regardless of how many mistakes her son makes she still loves him. Just be thankful that the two of you didn't have kds and bring them into her dysfunctional lifestyle.

You know the answer to your question. If you think this marriage is over, or can't be reconciled, take Sparky's advice. You'll be saving yourselves much more heartache in the long run.

get the book, "stop walking on eggshells". Another poster recommended it to me, and it is great. It mostly is about people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but can really help most anyone deal with certain people in their lives. From what you've said, I think this book may be able to help you. Check it out.
As for the baby thing.....are you sure this is a woman you would want to be the mother of your child? I would think that if she is that way w/SS, then what would make her any better with your child. If you did have a child and you ended up divorced, are you sure she wouldn't act the same way with your child as she does w/SS? You think you have problems now??? That would be worse for me. I generally DONT like ultimatums, BUT if she is so unwilling to bend, then give her one. Counseling, together, or you will leave. Good luck!

opinion here but she needs to finish her job as a mom with the 16 year old first before she starts anything with a new marriage.

Walking into a situation with "unfinished" kids is not the easiest starter package especially if you want children. It is so not fair to you but you are in her world now. Lots of step parents give more than they should to accomodate the spouse. But I completely understand about wanting your own children. Only you can decide what is good for YOU.

This is sounding like role-reversal. If you get a chance scroll back to my first post and read. I don't blame you at all for reporting abuse, because I went thru the same kind of stuff with my SD, and wished that I had made a report back then.

I never really thought about this going with the opposite sex. Thankfully, my dh supported me thru all the issues, I'm not saying that he agrees with everything I did, but he does support me and I think that is the only thing that has saved us. Sounds like your wife is more committed to her son than you...hmmm.

Don't ever put yourself in the backseat, the backseat was designed for the children. My SD is 19 and still cant find her way out of a wet paper sack! So at 16, Do you have the willpower????? Because that is what it is going to take...

Keep up informed, we are here to help.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

About wanting this woman to be the mom of your kids. She is in DEEP denial regarding her son. If my son (and I have 2 of 'em) did what your SS is doing, the hammer would be dropping BIG TIME. I'm mean to them for way less then that!