BM has been calling my DH
It seems she wants the kid's personal belongings and wants DH to pack it all up and drive it half way for her to pick up. DH doesn't know that I know this. I listen to his voicemails specifically for reasons like this because he selectively chooses what to tell me and what NOT to tell me. So apparently, he doesn't want me to know she's been calling to request the kid's stuff. To me, this isn't a big deal. The stuff is the kid's. But more importantly, the kid has made it perfectly clear he wants nothing to do with my DH since he hasn't been seen since mid-April and doesn't return DH's texts or phone calls. So why the secrecy? Why NOT tell me that they want his crap? I think he should tell her to come and get it. He'll put it out on the curb and if she isn't here by _____day when the garbage men come, it's her problem. But again, I can't suggest this because he doesn't know that I know about the VMs.
I'm always one to overanalyze situations and people and wonder WHY they do the things they do so I find myself once again asking, why is DH choosing not to tell me she's calling for the kid's stuff and why is he so reluctant to give it up? As usual, I have my theories but it'll take time to see whether my intuition is correct or not on this one.
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Why do you care?
Why do you care that she called him to arrange the return of the kid crap? I guess I've been doing this for so long that I just have no interest in DH's and BM's personal exchanges, as long as I'm not going to be affected by them. I put myself on a "need to know basis" as far as BM and DH go. If it's something I need to know, he tells me. If it isn't, he doesn't waste my time with it. Sometimes I'll ask out of curiosity and sometimes he'll tell me something in passing, but really, if I don't need to know, then I don't care.
What is it specifically that bothers you about this? Is it really that he didn't tell you about it? Because that could be something as simple as him just not liking to talk about BM. Why do you secretly listen to his voicemails? Do you suspect something? Have you found out anything this way that would lead you to believe he is not trustworthy?
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
http://stepdom.blogspot.com
I'm bothered because
I'd like for him to get the crap out and he's not doing it. DH is very transparent. When he's in a bad mood (which he has been since the phone calls started again), it's usually because BB has been calling him on his cell phone and leaving him harrassing messages or texting him with threats. So, instead of returning the hostility to her, I have to deal with the his misdirected hostility. Instead of telling me that she's been calling and harrassing him, he denies that she calls at all. I don't know why he does it because he saves her VMs and texts.
Okay, I remember now!
I say do it your way. Call her and let her know it'll be waiting for her at the curb on such-and-such day. She can get it or the garbage man will. And you can tell your DH, "Look, honey, we need to get this room cleaned out." Preserving a pigsty is not good and not healthy. You don't need to check his VM's under the radar to know that.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
http://stepdom.blogspot.com
Is it still a big mess?
Maybe he hasn't told you because he is trying to find a way to ask you to either pack it up yourself or help him pack it up.
I would just tell him you know, tell him how you know and that if the kid and his mom want his stuff they can come clean it up, from its as-is state, themselves! This kid needs a kick in the *ss like that if you ask me, to clean up the mess he created.
And also tell DH that you resent feeling like you have to resort to playing his voice mails, because he won't tell you anything! That you are married and you need to be involved in all this (unless you don't want to be).
But I don't think it is any betrayal of you that he hasn't said anything, more like maybe it is too stupid a topic that he is embarrassed to bring up, that they are so weird? sorry I hope saying this this is not hurtful to you, but from what I recall that is the impression I had?
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
in a way I agree with you
My DHs moods change also when he has to talk to her,or has contact with her,i mentioned this to him after a conversation he had with her one night, it wrecks our evening,weekend or what ever is going on.He agrees though that if we talk about it,its all out in the open,he can vent to me and we move on. I have also snooped on his cell to see if she calls or not. I made it clear to him that it is not her place to call him at work on his cell phone,BECAUSE she is not his wife anymore,so that is no longer her right.she doesn't need to call about money because thats handled threw the county. if SS is ill that is the ONLY reason she would need to contact him at work,also it sets his mood for the day at work and he doesn't need that crap for the day. I have also asked him that when he talks to her he takes the conversation AWAY from me,if you don't want me listening then don't be in ear shot,because he'll keep auguing with her until I have to tell him to hang up.MY point is I have snooped to,sometimes I want to know whats going on,and sometimes i don't care.snooping doesn't make me feel any better especially if there is a call and he doesn't say something. (kind of how you feel right now)I really don't know what i'm looking for eather. But I dont want things to be hidden from me,I think they maybe do it because then they have to hear it from both ends,the BMs telling them what they need to do and US telling them what they need to do,it's really a no win situation for the DHs.They cant get rid of them anymore then WE can. I wouldnt tell him you listened to his VM.hint around or causually bring up something to maybe get it out of him,you could be creating a whole new issue if you admit to "snooping"
I agree with you
Even though HE probably doesn't think it's a big deal he should at least tell you what is going on. If it wasn't a big deal why wouldn't he tell you? WE think that kind of stuff is so simple. I'm a motormouth I tell my FH everything that is going on - probably a lot of stuff he could care less about but what is he there for if not to share what is going on with my life? I overanalyze everything to death to especially because like you, I always can figure out some crap is going on because FH starts acting moody and I have to deal with his moods. My FH and I are working on this right now because even though, as our counselor has patiently explained to him, that what he thinks isn't a big deal or doesn't give it much thought that guess what maybe it would be a good idea to tell your partner so if you are upset you can let her know what the heck is going on instead of keeping her in the dark. Then like the post above says you can't admit to snooping cuz then you would be totally screwed and create a fight. Been there!
My experience has been that
My experience has been that women have a much greater need to talk about the little stuff than men do. Your DH may have thought delivering the kid's stuff wasn't worth bothering you about -- or conversely, he may have wanted to prevent you from working yourself up about something he regarded as relatively minor. Then again, maybe he wanted an opportunity to talk with his son away from you, not because he doesn't love you but because when you're nearby he is relegated to saying things in a way that you'd approve of. Life is too short to make it into a Prozac moment.