I didn't, are you talking you and hubby going to counseling, or counseling that includes BM?

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

We are going for all reasons that apply to our situation.

To every thing there is a season.

And it really helped us both see one another's points of view (and here I was expecting that it would only help HIM see MY point of view - haha!).

I felt that he was giving into anything she wanted - not just financial stuff, but everyday stuff. She would invite HIS parents over for dinner with her and her FH (who she LEFT my DH for!) and he would tell his parents to go, even though they preferred to decline. "To keep the peace." And I'm like "WTF!" Another issue was that his dad had an email list that he used to share family news, travelougues, etc. He told his dad NOT to take her off the list and NOT to add me until after the divorce was final. I felt this was a huge slap in the face. Here I am getting forwarded messages from him while "the one that threw him away" was on the original distribution! His family did nothing but complain about how awful and rude she had been to them all these years and here he is bending over backwards to NOT offend her. I became livid - I admit it.

However, when we met with the therapist, he listened to what we both had to say (a lot of which was my husband explaining how he just didn't want to deal with her wrath, nagging, emotional rollercoasters, etc. that he knows will come if she's told "no"). And while the therapist didn't totally take his side, he did explain that in DH's view, he was "streamlining his path to me" (clever wording) by keeping the peace in order to get the divorce finalized as soon as possible. After that things did get better, and we BOTH understood each other better on this issue. And I know that helped us to talk about the situations when they arose. And he immediately corrected the email situation! And he kept his word - once their divorce was final the appeasement died down.

But then, we'd known each other all our lives, so there were not many surprises.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

I started my first session last week and my FH goes to his appt tomorrow. I think if you find a good therapist counseling would be great for you. I have gone in the past for other issues and there are a lot of quacks out there like the one Cruella went to. I am having major problems with the BM - she treats my FH like he is her husband or something even though they have been broken up for almost 16 years. My therapist heard what was going on and she said that all ties must be broken except if there is an emergency with the child. The "child" is 15 1/2 and when my therapist heard that she practically had a cow. No more 40, 50 calls a mth, if there is something important she can send an email. Now the issue is if my FH follows through on this which I am hoping he will. He agreed to go in therapy ASAP (I was ready to boot him :))so he can have someone tell him what to do. Which I find hysterical because I can tell him til I'm blue in the face and choking on the floor but if he is paying for a professional - well OMG they must be right! I still am pissed about the whole thing and I told my FH and my therapist that I was disgusted that we even had to go to therapy because my man was so weak but it was MY suggestion as a last ditch effort to see if we can make our relationship work. BUT as I said this woman is awesome and she specializes in blended families and she came highly recommended and now I can see why. I just what the bio-biatch GONE and out of our lives. This woman has beaten him to the ground for 15 years and my FH is so desensitized to the whole thing - its normal for him - which I can understand in a twisted sort of way. I am just a completely different person so I do not understand "his way of thinking. Good luck to you in your situation. Maybe you can let us know exactly what kind of trouble you are having with BM? Take care!

I would go first. If the therapist seems biased against validating your feelings, then find another.

They should not make you feel wrong for how you feel at all.

We took SD to a counselor before we were married, but I didn't go to one for me until the custody case was so stressful on me.

I highly recommend it, especially if a DH needs an unbiased professional opinion that his head needs pulled out of his ass when it comes to putting his marriage first

Oh- but a GOOD therapist will say that much more professionally than I did

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

G - how old is your SD and how long has your husband been divorced. Sounds to me like we are going through a lot of the same problems. Counseling is my last ditch effort and it is actually going along really well right now. My therapist even stated that she thought my FH was doing really well. It has made a big impact on him in just a week and he has already taken some big steps in handling BM and you can already see the weight of the world being lifted off his shoulders. As long as we continue to go to counseling and he sticks to his guns then hopefully we will be okay. My FH is a great guy and is wonderful to me, has done a lot of work on my house, is loving, attentive, caring, brings me little presents, takes me to do fun things, does dishes, laundry you name it but BM threw a wrench in to it all. I will tell you I am also a BM and when my son was younger I very very rarely spoke with his father unless it was about pick up and drop off and THAT WAS IT. No chit chat, no nothing. I am a grown woman who is comptent enough to handle my life. Your FHs ex is STILL relying on your FH and she needs to understand that he has moved on with his life and SHE is not a part of it only the child/teenager and that the ONLY reason he gives her the time of day is because of your SD. WE all know it but these men always roll over like dogs and use the same ole line "just trying to keep the peace for the kids". Well as my therapist stated to my FH - you are not setting a good example for your BD15. She is going to grow up thinking that she can treat men like that and she will be in for a rude awakening. Let us know what is going on. Email me if you want to talk more - it really sounds like me have a LOT in common. Take care of yourself!