The Shrine
Another person's blog got me thinking about this, and I'd like some opinions. Some of you may remember me saying that DH's son abruptly moved out in the middle of April. The kid hasn't been seen since then. DH barely talks to him and is very adamant that the kid won't ever come back to visit. When the kid left, his room was atrocious, and it still is. There are dirty glasses and dishes in there which are now growing mold. His overflowing garbage can hasn't been emptied. His hamper is full of musty, dirty clothes. The bed has crusty sheets on it, God only knows the last time they were changed even before he left. There is junk all over the floor, under the bed, on the bed, EVERYWHERE. It stinks really bad, so we keep the door closed.
Anyhow, when the kid left, DH said he was going to get rid of all of the crap and we could either make it a guest bedroom/office or expand our room and add the master bath that we deserpately need since our house only has one BR, it's an old house, and the plumbing only runs through our side of the house under all of our bedrooms.
So here we are, three months later, the room is still a mess, and DH has done nothing with it. I asked him two weeks ago if he planned on cleaning it at least and he said yes but he hasn't.
We bought this house together. I contribute financially, and I am the sole caretaker of it. DH does very little to maintain it. We hire people for large jobs and my father/I or my father/husband tackle the smaller ones, but it's primarily me, me, me. DH does not deny this fact either.
How much of a say do I have when it comes to the empty room? What would any of you do? Let it sit and rot? Toss the junk? Insist DH clean it up?
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When dh is at work on the
When dh is at work on the next day before trash pick up, I would go in w/the contractor bags (you can get them at home depot or lowes) and toss EVERYTHING.. just get some good gloves (gardening kind) and toss it all!!! if anything in there is of any value (although, I am sure the kid took the valuable stuff w/him) I would place it in the basement and have a yard sale that coming weekend and make some money.
Once all his crap is in the bags and on the curb.. I would then disemble the bed and anything else that signifies it was his room ever. Get glade or febreeze and try to eliminate any lingering odor. Open the windows and shut the door.
If that kid ever tries to move back in. Let that kid know how much he needs to pay you from his allowance or savings for the clean up job you had to do when he left the last time. Call it a SECURITY DEPOSIT!! Your time is worth money, so just keep that number of hours it takes on a piece of paper somewhere safe and let the kid know just how bad it was.
Good luck!!! and dont forget the GLOVES!!
I would clean the room
I would clean the room completely!! And I do mean completely!! I would literally throw everything in there into a dumpster, bed, clothes and all. This is your house too and there is no reason to let that crap collect mold and god only knows what else because your DH is too lazy to clean it out. Strip the room and turn it into your master bathroom.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
TRASH
Well i would tell Dh that if he doesnt not plan on doing anything within a day or so that you will. Its your house too! That would drive me nuts..get a dumpster, park it under the window and just heave it out! I ll give ya a hand...i love to throw crap away!
He's going to be miffed
I think DH will be pissed beyond belief if I empty and paint the kid's room. Right now, it's really dark and looks like a cave in there. I'm also going to be livid if I have to do it because it's his responsibility. My DH is in denial, and my DH is lazy. He'll deny both. Out one side of his mouth he says the kid isn't coming back but out the other, he'll go and put more crap in the kid's room! Just the other day DH bought a new pair of boots and a postcard came in the box so instead of throwing it out with the box, he put the postcard in the kid's room. WTF?!?! I had also mentioned to him that he needs to call his parents to get them to come for their bedroom furniture that they had lent to DH's son. He got mad and told me that it was his son's now, and IF he comes back he wants him to feel comfortable here. So you can see what kind of BS I'm dealing with.
I agree
With Frustrated and serendipity. Your Dh probably does not want to deal with cleaning out the room, for fear of having to deal with the significance of the last step of letting his son go, or something of that nature. You will have to step in and just do it, esp if you want it done any time soon. It sounds like a bit of a health hazard also. Do you really want to be dealing with infestations or bugs due to a stagnant room? I say go for it. Tell Dh that if he doesn't have it cleaned out in a week, your going in.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:
I said the same thing
about the bugs when I mentioned cleaning the room to my DH! I am terrified that we're going to wind up with an infestation since the kid's wicked grandmother used to send him home with food and then HIDE it in his room!
DH took a box of granola bars out of there and I threw out a baggie of jellybeans but God only knows what else is left in there.
Here's my approach to this
I would clean it myself, forget waiting for husband who obviously doesn't see it as a priority. But I would break it into stages. First day, get rid of all garbage, moldy dishes, etc. Put bags at curb so husband can see them when he gets home, and leave door open so the smell wafts into the rest of the house. That will be your husband's warning that the room is getting done whether he does it or not. See if he says anything that first night.
Second day, go through what has been left behind and box up anything you are questionable about. Put those boxes in the hallway. When your husband gets home that night, ask him to put them in your storage (basement, attic, whatever). Make sure he does it THAT NIGHT. Then he will know where all the stuff his son left behind went. If he sees anything else in the room he wants to "save," he better get it now.
Next day completely purge the room and do as you wish! Your husband can't blame you for throwing things out that were "valuable" to him or his son, and you can have the room you want!
I did this with SD's stuff, and then I gradually go through the stored boxes, get rid of things, and consolidate. I mean, what kid needs four boxes full of stuffed animals taking up space in my basement?!
Don't
make announcements and don't ask for permission.
Obviously it (the condition of the room) bothers you more than your husband so you decide what you want to do and do it.
Don't
make announcements and don't ask for permission.
Obviously it (the condition of the room) bothers you more than your husband so you decide what you want to do and do it.
If you have the $$$...
I'd hire a cleaning service to come and deal with it. Have them clean the whole house, in fact. It'll be nice. Once it's clean, pack up his stuff and either store it or send it to him. If DH has a problem with it, you can always say, "Well, you said you were going to clear it out for other uses. I was just trying to help." It's always easier to beg forgiveness later than it is to ask permission. Not that you need permission, it's your home, too, and who wants to live in filth, even if it is hidden away?! If anything in that room meant anything to either your husband or his kid, one or both of them would've taken care of it long before now. I say it's fair game, go for it.
________________________________________________________________
ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
My thoughts exactly
I did think of hiring a cleaning service to do the dirty deed!
"If anything in that room meant anything to either your husband or his kid, one or both of them would've taken care of it long before now."
Anne, you are so right. To me, that room just sitting there signifies how little any of it means to either of them. Which is another reason I'm so enraged over the whole thing.
Elizabeth's idea is nicer..
Elizabeth's idea is nicer.. for sure..
HOWEVER, I would NOT wash any of those sheets/dirty clothes, those I would throw out w/the dishes. Dont put them in boxes that way, as then those boxes will reek wherever you put them to be stored.
So.. for a more subtle and gentler approach, go Elizabeth's route, just add the filty clothes and bedding into those garbage bags.
Thank you
I actually do wash and give to goodwill. SD leaves clothes and shoes everywhere, after a certain period of time I wash them and give them away. If she can't appreciate them, I'm sure someone else can.
I just dont want her washing
I just dont want her washing them and then boxing them up for him. I dont think that is her job. BUT.. if she were to give them away to goodwill, then.. that is a different story!!
I just didnt want this cleaning job to cause her even MORE effort than need be.
This is what I did...
I boxed up everything (dirty), and cleaned the room. Then made it a guest room. I had DH take all the boxes to BM during the day when they weren't there. Ha!
Perfect
Now you can enjoy your home---all of it!!!!
i think Elizabeth's suggestion is the best one.
do it in stages, ask for his help and ask him if he wants to get involved. if not, EVERYTHING is going in the garbage. end of story.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
laurels4u
I am so glad you posted on this subject. I don't know that I have advice that will work for you but here is how I handled my situation. My SS just turned 18 and graduated highschool both in the past few months. I kept asking DH to have a converstation with him about moving out. SS will be going to college out of town in September. We have 5 kids here and I need the room! I work from home (I have a home office) and have two little kids that are under 4. So, this is where I am at nearly 24 hours a day. Everyone else gets to GO to work or they leave for school. I am here. This is MY house, MY office, MY space! Now, the SK's are not here all the time but they all have beds. I made the decision to act when I had asked DH over and over with no result. I suggested to him that he tell SS that he should stay at BM's house and go out for dinner once a week with DH for this summer before going off to school. Honestly had they agreed, SS and DH would see eachother more than keeping things the way they are now. Whatever! You can't help some people. So, one day while everyone was gone, the little ones and I played musical rooms! Everyone is still confused. I put the oldest child (18) in with the youngest child (2)! I figured that it was a temporary situation and the easiest move. Now in a matter of weeks all I have to do is send one box to BM's and sell his bed. If he doesn't like it he can stay in his own room at BM's. Since the move I have also painted all the rooms. A fresh coat of paint can really put you in a good mood. I don't know maybe it was the fumes.
I understand the DH's have a hard time letting go. I compromised and said he could continue to spend the night for the summer. My other offer was to let him stay when ever he wanted and he could sleep on the couch. I wanted to sell the bed in a yard sale. I'm so wicked!
Here is my suggestion:
*Give DH a firm date to do something about the room.
If he misses the date, start in on the room by yourself. It's very theraputic!
*Give DH alternative solutions - Make the room a guest room and buy sheets for the kid either in his favorite color or if he is young his favorite character. You can put whatever comforter over the top so it doesn't look so kid like and no one but DH will ever know. If you are not going to make it a guest room...have DH buy the kid some sheets he thinks he would like and keep them in the closet he can use them on the couch if he spends the night. Don't get bullied. You live there too!