Is this really LOVE???
My new friends,
As I read blog after blog of so many of us being disrespected,
disregarded, placed second (or third or fourth) in our significant
other's life, I just have to wonder how and WHY we stay with these circumstances. Sure, love has its challenges, but when every DAY is met with a certain DREAD as to what will happen NEXT, WHY are we putting up with this stress?
Are we all hoping that "some day" it will all get better and it'll work out? DOES IT EVER get better??? Are we supposed to just "live our own lives" while helping to pay bills, etc.?
I am just having a difficult time right now coping with everything. Maybe this is just a difficult time and it will pass.
So many of you have sent me such insightful words of advice, but I
wonder if the day will EVER EVER COME when my DH and I will be able to walk hand-in-hand on a beach, NO PHONES, and just ENJOY
each other's company. Will there ever be a DAY when we can just
plan for US and not have to discuss and fight over
his ADULT SDs?
Does life have to be this HARD???
- KittyKat's blog
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Comments
I guess it is individual.
I guess it is individual. For me, I love DH beyond reason and he feels the same way about me. Somedays that's all we are certain about, but at the end of the day for us it must be worth it. I have said before on the board that I did not marry DH because he had kids, I wouldn't leave him because of them. DH and I now have 2 kids together (both under 5). We make time to walk on the beach holding hands (or our equivelant), always present a united front, always make sure all the kids know we are together for them as a team, but have our own interests too. I'm not sure the SK's got a good view of a healthy relationship when their parents were married and because they are almost out of the house (a matter of years) we want to be as good of an example for couplehood as we can. Sometimes you have to be the couple you are and the kids have to be put on the back burner. They have to in order for them to learn how to take care of themselves when they are older and don't wear themselves out for the "good" of their children or families.
It will get better but only when you decide TOGETHER that it is going to. Does that make sense? I'm still working on my fist cup of coffee! : )~
You said it!
"I love DH beyond reason and he feels the same way about me. Somedays that's all we are certain about..."
That was an amazing quote. You summed it up for me. It is love. I wouldn't put up with the crazy BM and unstable SD (or vise versa)any other way.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Thanx...I needed that
I've just been unhappy for quite a while, that's why I'm here!! Believe me, I am A LOT like you...I was a single mom for 10 years (2 very polite, kind children BS now 23; BD, 16), and I was fine. The GOOD TIMES with DH are awesome, it's just the BAD ONES that totally suck the life out of me. I have a GREAT LIFE; I simple feel "weighed down" by all the BAGGAGE that's not MY OWN!! I'll give it some time, but I know I am NOT afraid to WALK...I'm TOO YOUNG and life is just TOO DAMN SHORT!!
Thanx for being there
I don't mean to make it all
I don't mean to make it all seem like it's all sunshine and roses at my house. Trust me IT'S NOT! But you shouldn't consider waiting for things to be good possibly, maybe, someday, if ever. If it's not good, by all means run like the wind my dear friend. If there is some glimmer that things could be great...work on that. If the majority of your issues stem from the step kids...somehow learn to say so what. Think of the times you get your way first and if he doesn't put you first, you put yourself first. Once you do he will start putting you first and not put so much energy into the step kids. My guess is, like my DH, yours doesn't really get that much pleasure out of the drama but the kids have been a stronger force than himself. He just needs a stronger person (you) to say "Not in my house! Take your drama elsewhere!" He may balk at first but it's only because people are afraid of change even if it's a positve change.
Amen to that, "Three"
Sorry, can't call you "Wicked"...you're too COOL for that!
This site has helped me more than anything. I have been generous to a FAULT with these "girls" because I know for a long time they didn't have a lot. And, that's the irony. Some people can't HANDLE someone "SANE" in their existence when it's been so screwed up, so they don't know what to do with it. So, I've learned my lesson. No more pretty, expensive Christmas gifts. (I didn't even get a mother's day card...one of them DID stop by, but it was more to see her dad than me, and she DID say Happy Mother's Day), but it wasn't like she went out of her way to see me.
You are RIGHT ON, sister!! Thanks. As I have said too, this place has given me a BACKBONE because I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE with my feelings, I am not the CRAZY ONE. I think they KNOW I MEAN BUSINESS, and right now, DH and I aren't even talking. I made it CLEAR that there will be NO MORE MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A STRANGER IN MY OWN HOME, NO MORE INVITES UNLESS I am not included (no more..."Dad, we want YOU to come....oh, she can come, too...nyet to that...Dad, we want YOU BOTH to come...is acceptable.)
So, we'll see. I'm not going to be crapped on anymore!
Cool? Thanks. Sometimes I
Cool? Thanks. Sometimes I enjoy being wicked! ; )
Good for you! I know quite a few couples that only accept invitations if both parties are invited. I think in trying to figure out our role as step-mom we forget who we really are. Like as if we can't just add a title without having to take something away from ourselves. Once you find your barings and remember who you are and what crap you don't have to accept...the clouds will part and you will know if it is love or not.
I'm the eternal optimist.
A year ago, I knew I was headed for divorce or death. I figured that eventually I would either have to leave or else DH would probably kill me in one of his violent PTSD outbursts. I hated him and I hated my life. Forget skid problems. They were just the rancid icing on an already rotten cake. Today, though, things have changed. We've done a complete 180. We have more sex in one week than we used to have in a whole year. We are in love again and our marriage is stronger than ever. The skid problems have either resolved or are being managed in a healthy way. We don't have money problems, anymore, and our future is bright and full of promise. Every single thing that could have changed has changed... we're in a new state, he's in a new job, we're in a new life completely. So I can't say there's no hope, because when I thought there was no hope for us, there still was. It was hard to see at the time, but it was there and as little hope as there was, it was enough. I've stayed because he wanted to change, he actively participated in making change happen and because I just flat out love him and believe he loves me.
I don't think all marriages can be painted with the same paintbrush, though, and like Fearless says, you have to find your own way based on what you really want. When I met Fearless, she was anything BUT fearless. Now she's strong and confident and happy and she really is totally, kick-ass fearless. Getting out was her answer. Staying in was mine. You have to do a lot of soul-searching to figure out what's best for you. I think if you have a hubby who is committed to you first and foremost, you have every chance at future, skid-free happiness. If he's not committed yet, he can still make that commitment. You just have to find a way to reach him.
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ANNE 8102 | GEORGIA
Somehow you figure out...
...if he's worth it. I was married before to a man with two daughters and an ex-wife (no kids of my own). I loved the daughters, and the ex-wife was pretty easy to deal with but of course there are still issues that can make things a little turbulent. Turns out the husband was really the root of the problems and I divorced him seven months in. I think I stayed even that long because I didn't want to think I couldn't handle the whole step-family thing but really he was the problem all along. Now he's out of the picture entirely, even with his own daughters. The girls still spend lots of time with me, still call me their step-mom and call my current step-sons their step-brothers. The boy’s dad and I have become very good friends with the girl’s mom and step-dad and spend time with them even without kids. It all probably sounds kind of weird but it works for us.
The point is, if he's worth it you'll know... and if he's not it will eventually come to surface that you need to get out. One evening at a bbq I was talking to a friend about how unhappy I was. She asked me if I was thinking of leaving him… somehow at that moment it occurred to me that I could do that and I was divorced six weeks later.
I hope you get something like that to crystallize the question for you and make it easier to answer. In the mean time try to make some time for yourself to be alone and treat yourself to some of the things you enjoy… keep in touch with who you were before all the madness.
Good luck...
If you are
not number one in his life & he brings you more problems than he is worth, only you will know that. Complete honesty with him and yourself is essential. But before you throw in the towel put up some rules/borders/limits that you feel comfortable with & see if he abides by them. If you are important to him he'll do what you want.
Some men are a little thick.