I can't even look at her
I feel like such a child. The SK's have been home since yesterday and there is one in particualar that I can't even look in the face or acknowledge.
I'm supposed to be the adult! Anyone else ever have these feelings? How did you get over it?
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I like it....
I'm going to start visualizing that I'm covered in quills. That makes sense to me. Thanks Cat!
wicked2three...
you could have read my mind with that post. Mine is SD16. She's the "Golden Child" to DH, although recently through therapy and a parenting Coach, he's FINALLY starting to see the light that his little darling is TOTALLY PLAYING HIM.
Anyway, I tried with this child. Really tried in the beginning. Until I realized that there IS no pleasing her. Then I stopped. The relationship now is...well, there IS no relationship. I hardly speak to her at all- let DH handle all the nonsense, drama, manipulation, and constant lies. I can't stand to look at her as well.
When DH and I finally have some quiet time without kids, the phone never fails to ring, and I just CRINGE when I hear the little darling's special ring tone. My entire body tenses up! And I feel that same tenseness whenever she's coming over. It's awful, I know, especially because I'm a nuturer at my core and it goes against everything I stand for- but this kid just makes me want to pop some nice pharmeceuticals and hide out in my room (which I often do when she's around).
Right now I don't have any easy answers for you. It's such a terrible predicament to be in- one that I never imagined for myself. I LOVE children. I have a degree in education. But this kid... I just can't handle. I have never witnessed such an overindulged self-centered, manipulative "princess" in my life. She leaves for a three week camp on Monday and I'm just absolutely estatic!
Now if I can only think of a delicate way to bring up the topic of Boarding School to DH!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Ding ding ding
Count me in on this one. My DH's son used to live with us FT but went to live with his mother so now I don't have to deal with it. At least until he has to come visit, and I'm sure I won't be able to very hospitable at that point considering the pain he's caused my DH, but that's a completely different topic. I felt the same way although my feelings were compounded by the fact that I never thought the kid was my DH's biological child. I still don't believe he is. For some unknown reason, I decided to pull out our wedding album today and came across a picture of the two of them and the only thing they have in common are two eyes, two ears, hair, two arms, legs, etc. Need I go on? So I completely understand where you're coming from and it only makes it worse when the DH is nothing more than a doormat to the kid. I hear ya, sister. It's annoying!
I have had this kid (SK #3)
I have had this kid (SK #3) in my life for over 5 years. She was only 5 when I met Dad. She and I were best freinds for the 1st 6-9 months. Probably because BM was busy working on SK #2, 11yrs at the time. Since then if I make friends with this kid on the weekends she is here, then she's horrible to deal with the next time she shows up. It's as if BM get's the idea that she's happy at Dad's and she's not going to have any of that. So, BM tortures the poor kid before going to Dad's the next time. Sometimes on the visit after a good one....she will start to cry just by me asking her a simple question. I really wonder what BM says to her about me.
"What the BM says"
Boy did THAT hit home!!!
I think that's one of the many reasons SD and I don't speak at this point- her crazy BM.
When I first came into the picture, SD was 11, and she and I actually had the best relationship out of the 3 girls. Even though she had her 'issues' I thought I could help her by being a good role model and influence as a strong, independent, self-confident, moral woman (something her BM is NOT). But quickly found out that her mother was sabotaging (sp?) our fledlging relationship. Examples:
*BM told SD I was only marrying her father for his money
(funny, because she certainly DIVORCED him for it! She gets over
$4000/mo in CS for having the kids 50% of the time and was
getting ANOTHER $4000/mo in alominy for a short time!)
but I digress...
*BM tried to have SDs (then 8 & 11) find out who had bigger breasts!
because she was insecure about her new implant size and thought
I had implants, too. I always wanted to tell her, "They're real,
and they're fabulous! And thy're bigger than yours!" (What a nut
job to be putting this crap in her DAUGHTERS' heads)
*BM would constantly ask SDd who she thought was skinnier or
prettier. And the answer HAD better be BM!
And of course, the winner of them all...
*BM told her SDs that if they were nice to me, that meant they
didn't love her anymore
Now, to a child, what do you think that does to their head? Of course, SD couldn't be nice to me anymore- it was a betrayal of trust toward her own mother. So of course from there, things went seriously downhill. And I was devastated. I never thought any mother could knowingly do that to their child- inflict such abuse on them. But she did. And because of it, I believe our relationship will never be good.
This child, now 16, doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up to her mother and say "ENOUGH!". DH has had SD in therapy for the past year to deal with the issues of her low self-esteem as well as dealing with the issues involving her mother, and the therapist agrees that if her self-esteem does not improve, she'll NEVER have the courage to stand up for herself. I don't think she's got it in her- I think she's been 'beaten down' by guilt over the years by her BM and could never imagine standing up to her. And because of that, she's going to end up to be just like her BM.
And, unfortunately for me, all I can do is sit back, watch it all unfold, and hope DH doesn't get 'sucked into it all.'
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I feel you
I too think my SD17, despite being 'confident' to the point of being belligerent, is terrified to stand up to her mom on how BM treats and talks about DH. I guess she doesn't want to change the target to herself? survival tactic? To me BM is teaching SD to hate not only her dad, but men in general, which is of course very short-sighted.
I keep praying SD will finally tell her mom where to get off on this topic - unfortunately I know I told my mom a similar thing or two at that age! so I know it can be done. Because I don't see how DH/SD/(me) can have any relationship unless SD stands up for herself and her right to have a good relationship with her dad. DH has stood up for this right specifically and said it for her to BM and everyone agreed several different times, but it only lasts about 6 months then we are back to square one with the BM hate and propaganda. It won't stick until SD makes it stick.
And I am terrified like you say, she will become just like BM, in her victim mentality, bitterness and resulting loneliness. When we are right here wanting to help her, if she will not insult us when we do so!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
5teensathome
Thanks for confirming that I am not imagining things! I know BM must be saying something but can't prove anything of course. She spoke poorly of DH when he was in the home so why would she stop talking bad about him now. I'm sure she does it about both us now. I think her method is far more incideous, being a narcissist, she implies things without actually saying the nasty words. It make it easier to defend herself later and being a narcissist, she blames the kids for not hearing or remembering things correctly.
I agree with you. Why would any parent want ANYONE to treat their precious babies with contempt. I had a stepmother and my Mom made sure that she liked me. Mom knew it would be easier for me if she did. Mom left Dad and that probably made it easier for Mom to be civil. Turns out I was a lucky kid and my Dad had a habit of picking the same type of woman everytime and stepmom was really wonderful. Unfortunately she wasn't in the picture very long.
on being civil
I agree with you wholeheartedly. As a BM to two boys myself, I made certain that when their stepmom came into the picture shortly after my ex and I divorced, that we would be cordial. The ONLY thing that mattered to me was that she was nice to my boys and treated them well.
Eight years later and we have never had an angry exchange or unkind word! She had been to my home and I have been to hers (check out my comment on "The care & feeding of a stepmother" blog for the long story).
So I know it CAN work.
But here's the weird thing. You said in your situation "Mom left Dad and that probably made it easier for Mom to be civil..." Well, in our case, that's true of SDs BM- she's the one who left. And it was shocking, sneaky, and ugly (an affair in the home while the girls were around and husband was out of town on business- YIKES!!!) But even though I didn't come into the picture until the divorce was almost final and she was living with the new guy, there was still all this contempt from the get-go and continues to be. And why? Because you're dealing with an unstable BM. And that's the tragedy here.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I think everyone has those feelings.
When my oldest SD was going through some emotional-type issues with her mother, she got really whiny and clingy with her dad. She sucked the fun out of every moment of every visit for almost the whole year she was 13. I had to fake a lot that year, but eventually she grew out of it.
♥ Anne 8102, D/B/A Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)