I sometimes forget...
I am so glad that we as humans have the ability to forget.
I was rummaging thru some recent posts and I stumbled upon GoingCrazy's last blog about hating your skids and counting your blessings. I realized that I have supressed a lot of memories of some really rough times. I'm also amazed that it is even possible that I can be over it. My skids' BM had become one of the most horrible, awful people I had ever encountered. I was so unbelievably angry at her that I was manifesting physically violent daydreams in my mind with her face as my punching bag. Just the sight of her face or her name could get my blood boiling. I never thought I could hold so much contempt for someone as I did her.
Like most of you here, I came to this site in search of something better. We all are in similar situations, some of us obnoxiously loud and some of us reflexively silent. Some of us are bowing out of a war that we know we will never win while most of us are sticking to the sometimes unattainable vow of for better or for worse. We are passive and we are agressive - at times we can't help but be what we are not usually. We stomp our feet in frustration, throw our hands in the air with an articulate scream echoing in our heads that is grandly muffled once reaching our lips. We chew on the words that we wish we could say but don't because of the ripple effect they would cause. We are broken and we are mending our wounds that get ripped back open on a daily basis.
Anyways, on to my point.
We as humans are creatures of habit. It's so incredibly difficult for us to change our way of thinking and nearly impossible for us to change our value system. I thought BM had "changed" recently and had even become worrisome and jealous of the relationship and growing respect that my husband and her shared. BM is still the same person she was a year ago. I forget that fact the same way I do the rough patches in my life. I just need to stop placing so much value in the woman who used to be married to my husband.
This will not be my life's most memorable journey. I will not allow it to be. I strive to forget all about it. I will give it the value it deserves as a small contribution to the makeup of who I am and how I proudly took residence on the high road. I am a warrior but not because of her....because of me. I AM fabulous.
On a sidenote to all the newbies here....it CAN get better, I promise. And to all my old friends....I love you and am so proud of you all for coming as far as you have. I would name you one by one but would be devastated if I left someone out.
- Colorado Girl's blog
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Comments
very well said!
My Proof
Thank you for voicing what I was trying to say. It was really encouragement to the new SM's that things can get better. It is definitely healing when the anger subsides.
Hugs to you. And everyone else out there that is in a bad place right now, it does get better as the times goes by.
"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."
Yeah...what she said!!
Hey baby!! I am the loud one...LOL
These are things we don't think about often and by you saying that it makes me remember some of the things I have felt in the past. I don't hate her beause I don't care about her enough to hate her. I hate the things she does to SS and DH, but why stress over what you can't change??
Our situation with SS is much better and you have all seen me through this, I still think BM is a crappy Mother but that will never change. As for us, we have pulled through to come out for the better. All I need now is for SS to fast track to 18 so we don't have to give her our money anymore!! LOL
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Hey Chica!
You loud? Never....
Crappy mom.....you mean the one who put her son in thongs??? At least she's good for a laugh!!!!!
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Oh Nooooooooooooo
Don't get me started on the thongs again!! LOL
Jokes on her though (BM) see my new post soon to hear the great news!! LOL
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
This got me thinking...
I've made a sort of peace with my BM. For the past year and a half and especially the past six months, I've actually had pleasant exchanges with her. We've even joked around and shared a laugh or two. It's unreal, considering how bad things were in the beginning. I've been asked by a handful of people how can I be friends with her after everything she's done to me, my husband and our family. Well, I'm NOT friends with her and I never will be. But that doesn't mean I have to or want to live the rest of my life with hate in my heart for her. I have two kids, a great husband, a dog, a home, a family, a life. I just don't want to invest another drop of my precious energy hating this woman. It is, by far, much easier to let the weight of all she's done to us go, rather than carrying it around on my back like an albatross. What do I want? Do I want to live my life constantly on edge, letting the stress and the hatred eat away at my happiness and my peace of mind? Or would I rather let the water flow under the bridge and move on? I vote for moving on. If you've ever seen the Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler movie, 50 First Dates, you'll know what I'm talking about. She has short-term memory loss in the movie and each day is like starting her life all over again. I figure if I'm like that with BM, then each day is a clean slate and I start out each day with hope and positivity, rather than with hate and negativity. Might not work for everyone and some folks are set enough in their ways that they cannot walk away from a fight if their life depended on it, but for me, this works. I just woke up one day and realized that I really don't give a shit. It was one of the happiest days of my life!
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Too true...
"I just don't want to invest another drop of my precious energy hating this woman..."
I have wasted many, many, many days, nights, hours, whatever with an all consuming frustration.
Let it go. Let it all go.
Oh....and don't be green. It's not easy.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
New Kid on the Site, But..
Well said, Colorado Girl! Although I recently stumbled onto this site, I am not new to the experience of being a stepmom. My DH and I have been married for almost 4 yrs and together for 5, dealing with his ex, who is the textbook definition of an "emotionally abusive mother" to her 3 daughters (now 13, 16 and 17). How any mother could do the horrific things to her children that she has done, I'll never know. I've cried so many tears for them over the years and had to keep such restraint, it's amazing I haven't literally bitten off my tongue!
We, as a family, have been to hell and back with the nonsense this woman has put them through, and I expect that it will continue until the DAY SHE DIES- because she does not think there is anythying wrong with HER behavior, only everyone else's, and that's not going to change just because they turn 18! All of the children have been in therapy, as well as my husband and I. I feel like it has been 20 years that we have been together because of all the drama we have endured in such a short period of time, not 5! But, that which does not kill you makes you stronger (or so they say!)
My husband and I, as well as 'the experts,' are of the opinion that if you continue to 'do the right thing' and show a constant good example, eventually the girls will come out ok. But while they're going through the tough teen years, it's so hard to see that this would be the case, as they oddly mimic the horrible examples their mother sets out for them. It's at this time I question my role as the 'quiet, strong example' and just hope like heck that they will be ok as adults.
The only saving grace I have is my wonderful DH, who has come a LONG way through therapy, in changing his parenting style, and overcoming his longtime guilt and divorce overindulgence with the girls- which only made the situation worse. And now that the girls are getting older and near the point of the child support getting reduced (over $4000/mo!), I'll take great personal satisfaction in seeing this horrible woman eventually get what she deserves when the youngest turns 18- NOTHING!
But since 'crazy woman' STILL manages to get under my skin (along with the damage it does to my SDs) I'll be on here needing to vent and looking for a sympathetic ear!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I have repeated this over and over and over and over....
Set a good example.
My husband says to me all the time "They can learn just as much from a bad example as they can from a good one..."
I hope, and hope that they can learn from her what they DON'T want to be like and learn from their dad what they DO want. He doesn't tell them how to live their lives, they watch him live his life the right way. I just hope that ALL our kids can follow suit.
You are a silent warrior. You quietly have continued to be the bigger person and I have all the faith in the world that your skids will realize this somewhere down the road when they are old enough and mature enough to see you for who you are....and unfortunately, to see BM for who she is.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Beautiful CG....
I love it when you wax poetic. This was such and amazing post.
You really need to start helping me write that blended family play!
I just wrote today about looking at things from my kids perspective to attempt to be a better mom. I have started to realize that the attraction to the cool parents isn't just "no rules" or "material bliss." It's that on some level the kids interpret these things as the parents caring more about what's important to the kids. That's the part I'm not showing my kids. There's more about that epiphany in my post.
Anyway, at least I'm learning how to have some empathy for my kids.
BM I can feel only sadness or anger for. Sadness in that she has no idea that she's crazy, and like 5 Teens says (ok - THAT screen name gave me shivers with all I am going through with just TWO 13 year olds)
But...just like 5 Teens says, BM is not capable of understand that her behavior is the problem. And anger that she is so convinced of her self righteous right to "motherhood" that she can't even stop to think about what's best for her child or to put her first.
If I can help her daughter get that one thing about SD's own behavior, then my presence in her life was a saving grace for her. Because being accountable is one thing she can only learn from my example. So it's time I try harder to get there myself!
Thanks for the inspiration.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Awwww, thanks MamaSita...
I feel sadness for BM and the girls as well. There will be a day down the road where our phone will ring and I will be under no obligation to answer it. DH will ignore it as well. We will unfortunately have to place the burden of BM upon the (hopefully)strong shoulders of the girls. She will become THEIR problem. It will be up to them how much crazy they are willing to endure.
BM is incapable of maintaining any type of productive relationship. Like your 13yo SD, BM only keeps friends for short periods of time and then they "wrong" her in some sort of way. I feel sorry for her because the constant in her life is her mother and sister who suffer the same personality disorder as her.
She will be an old woman one day regretting that she ever drove DH away...and I should be thankful for that - not resentful. So thanks, BM...thank you very much.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
You're welcome and...
I agree about being grateful that BM is the way she is. I thank God every day BM is crazy. If she was JUST a bit@h then DH would have put up with her and stayed married, because he's a conservative guy. It was the crazy he couldn't live with forever.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
My take on all this
I am a little bored with the topic of (my) bm and don't care enough about her to hate her. That would be giving more effort than its worth to me.
I would never pick her as any kind of friend to me and frankly don't care if she falls off the face of the earth, as long as I don't have to hear about it.
I am also completely unconcerned with what she thinks of me. So I'm clear!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin