another frustration
dont ask me why i looked at the parenting plan again last nite...probably bc it was sitting on top of my laptop (thanks FH)...but the holidays are so screwed up in my opinion. before they had a rotating holiday schedule, meaning one yr FH would get certain holidays and the next yr he would get the other. when they went to mediation, mediator came up w a rotating split holdiay schedule. when they were ironing it out in court, we said we like the rotating holidays as they had been. BB came back and said she did too but liked splitting halloween or something. whatever. now mind u, FH looked, or was SUPPOSED to look at the whole plan b4 he signed off on it...we have her for part of every major holiday. now, i realize this is good for alot of people but it doesnt work for our situation. i am not from here and would like to travel home to see MY family for some holidays too, but now we have her for part of halloween (okay, who cares about that) thanksgiving, easter and christmas every year. w the old plan, he was seeing her either christmas eve or christmas every yr anyway, which is the most important holiday. but easter? thanksgiving? i know this might be awful, but i dont want her to be part of holidays EVERY year and i want to be able to go home and see my family, especially when we have a baby. FH says we dont have to get her if we dont want to, but i really dont see BB being flexible and fulfilling of our wishes, especially if she has to work on a given holiday and we are supposed to have her part of the day and tell her we cant get her...you know? and even if she does, im sure she will be telling SD, "daddy didnt want you on thanksgiving" blah blah. PLUS its just leaving us open for MORE communication w the nutcase, and more arguing. oh also, the holidays that are split has her dropping her off at our house...uh NO. she will never set foot anywhere near even my STREET again and she BETTER not give him hassle about meeting at mcdonalds. UGH.
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I have recently resigned
I have recently resigned myself to the fact that I now HATE the holidays. When I was single, I so looked forward to them. But having to negotiate the skids time on holidays w/the bm has put such a damper on holidays that I cant stand them.
I think she is trying to push the 4th on dh right now, as he emailed me at work to ask me about our plans. Plans that we have had w/o the skids included for over 2 months. We had them last 4th and we had them just this Memorial Day.. Guess what.. I dont want them THIS holiday too!!
Perhaps offer to take sd on those holidays to your family, when she says no. Then you can make sure that sd knows that she was invited, but that her bm would like to spend the day w/her, and therefore both scenarios are just not possible.
I feel your frustration..
how poo
thats so crap i wouldnt have it no way !!
i wont even let my Bf have his skids on a work night i let him once never again !
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
Are you sure this is the right situation for you?
You said, "i know this might be awful, but i dont want her to be part of holidays EVERY year." I wouldn't say that this statement is awful. It's how you feel and you have EVERY right to feel this way. I have had plenty of holidays ruined by BM and the skids. I totally feel your pain on that one. But I do wonder if feeling this way is indicative that this may not be the right relationship for you. I mean, he may be the right guy, but he could also be the right guy in the wrong situation. When you marry someone with children, those children will impact your life in some pretty significant ways. The visitation schedule is just one of them.
Your FH said, "We dont have to get her if we dont want to." That statement stands out to me, too. What father wouldn't want the opportunity to share Christmas with his child? And is that the kind of father you would want for YOUR future children? Worst case scenario... you marry him, you have 2.5 children of your own with him, then you divorce. How would you console your children when they are made to feel like their father doesn't want to spend time with them, which is probably how SD is going to feel if he doesn't get her for every second of visitation to which he's entitled? If he doesn't care about seeing the child he has now, can you expect him to treat your children any differently?
Last thing that I want to comment on is the mother dropping off at your house. I understand how you feel and I feel the same way. BM is not allowed in my house, period. But I would give just about anything to have her pull up and drop the kids off in our driveway. The neutral location works great, but drop offs don't have to be hostile events. You can't stop her from driving down your street and if their order say that she drops them off at your house, then she has every right to do this. Is this something you can live with? McDonald's may be the best way to handle drop offs, but if she insists on dropping off at your home, then you have to suck it up or take her back to court. Is that something you can accept?
I'm playing devil's advocate here, I guess, because you and the other unmarrieds here have a prime opportunity that the rest of us don't have, and that's to make decisions about how you are going to live your life BEFORE you have committed to living that life around a spouse, the spouse's ex and their children. If I had known then what I know now, I probably still would have married him, but I would have done so many things differently. I wish this site had existed back before I married my DH, because I'll tell you what, there's so much to consider that I had never even envisioned before I had already made the commitment. Part of me wants to tell you guys, "Save yourselves, it's too late for the rest of us!" And part of me wants to tell you that you can make it work, if you work really hard at it. No matter how hard you try and no matter what you do, sometimes this life really does suck with a capital S. Sometimes it's worth it and sometimes it's not.
Be very sure that you can live with this situation before you tie yourself to it forever. Marriage doesn't make things better, sometimes it makes them much worse. There will be hills and valleys, for sure.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
georgia
i really aprreciate your comments and insight...thank u. i understand what u are saying, but perhaps i can explain it better. FH meant, if we want to go see my family for christmas, we will and spend it w SD on another day. we dont have to celebrate it w her on the day. i know of alot of people who spend holidays at his familys house one year, and hers another. i have every faith that OUR family will always come first...he wasnt married to this woman and he didnt want a child w her...doesnt mean he loves her any less, but i know that now that he has the chance to have the family he always dreamed of w the woman he loves, he will put that first. SD will be a part of our life, but our life will not revolve around her. harsh? yes maybe, but alot of people on this site have had to make choices too.
as for mcdonalds...that whole thing is just screwy. they were exchanging there bc of the MANY confrontations in the past. they go back to court and the GAL wont put that in the papers, even though the mediator did. so he made her change it. she has every rite to refuse to come get her when the papers say drop of at her house, but i doubt she would fuss about dropping off at mcds, which is closer for her, instead of our house. either way, FH and i are on the same page about everything, and that gives me comfort. if it werent for that, i dont think i would still be here. i love him more than anything and time w him is amazing. but this situation is harder than i thought bc of BB and her bs. at this point, i really think what i can and cant live w is the same as what FH can and cant live w. so thats where i have the advantage i think!
ive gone over your same questions again and again in my mind. and i keep coming up w the same thing. i dont want to live w/o him, and i really think he will always do whats best for us. naive maybe but i have to take that chance bc i do think its worth it!
thanks again for your honesty and reflection...
I dont think its
I dont think its unreasonable for her to want the occassional holiday w/o the sd. These are the NCP.. why is it that they cant get the weekends they want w/the skids or times, but holidays come up and the bm just full out (in our case) doesnt seem to want them, unless its xmas, and then she only wants them part of the time.
My dh and I have had the skids for in this past year, Thanks, Christmas, Easter and Memorial Day. I know I am going to be upset if she manages to strong arm him into the 4th as well. Its dealing w/her that makes these days so unbearable, because its always on HER terms.
thats how i feel
rotating holidays was great...we knew when we would have her and planned accordingly for holidays like christmas when we wouldnt. i dont know why the mediator changed it and i dont even think he realized it wa slike that b4 he signed. now i feel like we are stuck w so much uncertainty.
why does yr dh LET her strong arm him into having every holiday? i agree w u...its the BMs not the kids that make visitaion/holidays unbearable.
She just has to be
She just has to be controlling. She knows that I am a planner, and I think she does it purposely to put a wrench in the works. We were not supposed to have them for Mem. Day.. and look how that turned out. she denied his visitation the week before, forcing him to take the next weekend and therefore changing our holiday weekend plans.
He likes to keep the peace.. unfortunately for him sometimes, he likes to keep the peace w/her.