Thanks friends
Well, for those of you who responded to my last post, I was very concerned about my daughters daycare and you gave me the strength to find something else. For some reason, my husband, didn't, and actually still doesn't get it.
Because of this challenge, I have taken pause to understand ... the ex...I know as scary as that may sound.
You may know that we are in the middle of a move. So, I was collecting stuff and found, resurfaced from years before our marriage, a folder my husband kept. It included, vasectomy information and mediation letters.
I'm a sneaky little bitch because I wanted to read it so much but I didn't want my husband to know.
It was a bit of an awakening experience. The letter, written while they were still married, expressed all the fears and concerned she had whild they were still saying "I love you" to eachother.
I felt her concern, her fear, her protective nature for her children. I also say how differently we saw the world and how more in common I was with my husband.
And for a moment, I felt so sad for her and were I her friend, I could have felt her pain.
I wonder, if my ego weren't so involved could we have helped eachother and made life better for all of us.
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I have learned that if one
I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau
Kathleen...
Good for you in attempting to see her point of view. I know that sometimes even though you may never, ever agree with BM and her ways that trying to understand where she might be coming from helps your own outlook on the situation.
I used to think my BM was subhuman. Then I started researching her mental/personality disorder and I started to recognize why she did some of the things she's done. I still think that a lot of it was uncalled for but now I know how to avoid and even prevent future conflicts. I think my attitude towards her all began with understanding her a little better.
I think you are great, Kathleen....and I am so glad that you are working out the situation with your bio daughter's daycare. I'm also so very hopeful that your steplife can see better days in the future. You deserve to be happy.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Thanks CG
This whole thing has been so crazy and when I try to explain why we don't see the kids much etc. all I can say is it is really complicated. I don't want to "blame" BM because she wasn't alone in influencing the whole situation but as one of the Judd sisters said to Oprah one day, "if it isn't one thing, it's your mother". Ha isn't that true.
So, by getting a little insight into her way of looking at the world from before the real craziness started, I saw her embers before the flames. I still think she is a crazy, controlling, extreme person but I kind of get it.
I'm also pretty damn sure she would never turn the mirror around and see it from our perspective or have empathy for our experience.
One thing I have been learning lately is that the only person I can change is me. I'm seeking new ways to find peace and security within so that no matter the torrent outside, I will be loving to myself and others. Not always easy, but I'm making a lot of personal changes to be the person that I would like my child to be.
Right now if I never saw BM or her kids ever again, it would be fine by me. However, I pray my heart will open again and one day things will be peaceful for all of us.
Thanks for your support.
the four agreements
Kathleen, I learned that I can only change myself too, and a book called the Four Agreements has been a great support for me.
give it a read.
It changed my look on life for the better!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Kathleen....
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us..."
It's a human need to be forgiven. It's hard to forgive. Once we are able to forgive those who have wronged us most are we able to find that peace and security you are trying to accomplish.
I stopped hating BM. I had to forgive her and I had to give her an opportunity to forgive me.
Now, we are both happier. And yes, she's still crazy. I just accept that fact and try to compromise even though I KNOW that it's all on my part. Like your skids BM, mine would never try to see things from my perspective either. Oh well. It's what makes us different.
Kathleen, you will figure it all out and your skids will grow older and you will all forgive each other. I just know it.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
That's a tough one for me too
But then I keep thinking how well I get along with my exH and his wife, how I have been able to put my ego on a shelf when dealing with them for my sons' benefit.
Sometimes I can try to empathize. I feel bad for her, for her inability to relate to others. I feel bad for SD too, for having a crazy mom, and inheriting and being taught by example the same craziness. I hear them make small talk on the phone, these 2 min phone calls that SD always initiates, filled with "I love yous" and requests for new things, for favorite foods, for being allowed to do whatever she wants when she's there....
I feel bad for both of them that it's the only connection they have. Yet it's so misleadingly filled with idle pleasantries that at times I think, would SD be happier living there full time? Would BM (who cancels her time with SD often) even have her full time?
When I try to put myself inside BM's head, really try to connect mentally with what her life must be like, I feel ill, sad, lonely, disturbed, confused... that's really what's going on in that mind of hers. She's like a frightened child- needing to control everyone around her in order to feel safe...wow...she and SD are very much the same. Even the psychologist told me on the last phone call...the apple didn't fall far.
Kathleen, you are a really generous and self aware soul. I feel a kindred with you and CG both on many things. Thanks for this post. You helped to revisit the above thoughts. They are so unpleasant at times I try not to go there. But we all need to, don't we?
Peace, love, and red wine