Boyffriend wants to be the victim and the hero.
I am engaged to man who shares custody of SD7 50/50. BM is constantly negotiating her way out of taking SD7. However, my boyfriend doesn't enforce BM taking SD7. Then he complains about it, calls BM selfish and irresponsible. He says, BM needs to "step up". Then he says things like "I am the only source of love for SD7". He says that he will never say no at the opportunity to have SD7 at our house, so when BM "makes plans" during her time with SD7, boyfriend always agrees to take her extra days.
BM will only have had SD7 for 10 days out of 29 this month.
I understand that he loves his daughter. I understand that during his mariage to BM he was SD7's primary caregiver. Its vicious circle though isn't it. The more attention he paid to his daughter, the more neglected BM felt, the more she withdrew. I can see how it might have happened...I live it. Don't get me wrong, BM has now been given the opportunity to bond with her daughter, yet still makes "plans" during her week. I'm tired of the inequity of it. (boyfriend also pays BM 1,100/month for child maintenance...plus alimony...plus has agreed to pay 100% of SD7's expenses.
Am I selfish? Am I selfish for wanting to spend time alone with boyfriend? (what's the acronym for boyfriend on this site??).
We've been dating only 15 months. We bought a house together last september. I say this because, maybe I just need to be patient. Maybe things will get better. At least BM doesn't call 50 times a day anymore. At least when BM has SD7 and boyfriend and I go somewhere, he sometimes leaves the cell phone at home...which is progress as he used to act like he was "on call" when BM had SD7 in case "he was needed".
Tonight is a PERFECT example. Tonight its BM's night to take SD7. SD7 wasn't feeling well yesterday and is probably getting a cold. Boyfriend told BM on the phone last night that he would let BM know today if SD7 was well enough to stay with her..."and we'll make plans"....in other words, if he feels SD is too sick, she's staying at our house. (Only boyfriend can take care of SD7 when she's ill, according to him) BM is going to Vegas for a trip this Thurs and boyfriend has agreed to keep SD7 with us until next Wednesday....which means 12 days will go by before SD7 sees BM.
I so tired from the inequity of it.
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They all want
Honey, they all want to be victims and heros..... but it will only work if you let him. Since you share custody 50/50, why doesnt she pay cs too? I hate this, why is it that our SO's have to pay all this support and BM's dont? Sounds like he isnt going to give in, so I say either accept it, or leave. I wish I would've learned this early on, I probably would not have married my DH. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? I would start there, but dont look for him to think anything other than you are trying to come between them. I feel for ya, and know exactly what you are going through! HUGS for you!!!!
i agree with robinson
if he is not consindering your feelings at all then he probably never will...BD will be around for a long long time..
you are not being selfish by the way, our SO are good at making us feel that way cuz they are parenting with guilt!!
talk to him do all that you can and if it doesnt change get out NOW!!
good luck
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
He has the child more than
He has the child more than 50% of the time and he still pays CS? He pays CS and still pays for expenses? What expenses?! There ARE NO EXPENSES not covered by child support. That's what child support is for, the child's expenses! Don't even get me started on alimony. Please.
Your BF is being taken advantage of financially by his child's mother and, from the sounds of things, he either doesn't mind it or he doesn't mind it enough to put a stop to it. What he's paying on top of having the child most of the time is ludicrous, regardless of how YOU feel about it. HE should feel the same way! I agree with the others. If he doesn't see how wrong this is and do something to stop it for himself, he'll never do it for you, either. Find another place to hang your hat.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
georgia is right
my fiancee's exwife pulled the same crap for 8 months while he paid her child support last year...don't let him do this anymore! We are taking her to civil court to get his money back that she took from her son to spend on herself! On HER 50% of the time if she has plans it's HER problem to find someone to watch their child...and if he's paying her child support and having her more than 50% of the time I think he should either have the order looked at again or step up and stick up for himself!
Alimony=spousal support in my state
My DH pays 1400 dollars a month in Alimony (aka sposual support) and pays this every month for 5 years. BM wanted lifetime sposual support, but didn't get it. Alimony still exists and is a complete joke because there is no formula or worksheets like there is with child support to determine Alimony.
Don't get me started on alimony...
Colorado calls it "spousal maintenance". It is a joke. I think it's completely unfair. DH was giving BM $500/mo and she wasn't paying any of the bills she was ordered to pay. So to maintain his credit, DH paid the bills.
I heard a statistic the other day that ex-wives no longer get "half", it's closer to 60%.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."