Since my BS's birth, I find I really resent my SD
For the most part, my SD6 and I have had a good, loving relationship over the past 4 years. Three weeks ago I gave birth to a little boy and since then I find that SD is completely getting on my nerves. She's being really sweet and is very excited about her new brother and wants to help with everything. I just don't know what is going on with me but I am finding it difficult to have her around (she's with us 3 days a week). I find that I've stopped making eye contact with her and have to bite my tongue to keep from saying obnoxious comments. Any insights? Anyone had similar experiences?
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Hi there. I'm pregnant and
Hi there.
I'm pregnant and already starting to experience the same thing. My 10-year old SD lives with us full time, and I am already resernting her presence. She's also resenting the mere IDEA of me having a baby with her dad (she doesn't know I'm pregnant yet, we've just been talking about maybe having one as far as she knows).
I think its natural, and hopefully it gets easier to deal with as time goes by. You should be grateful you're SD wants to help you! My SD has said if I have a baby she intends to throw it out a window! (She will NOT be left alone with the baby).
Anyway, I also think its okay and natural to feel a more intense love for your bio-children. And you shouldn't feel guilty about that.
Good luck!
you're not alone
I'm four months pregnant. I resent the existence of my SD and her mother. Sometimes I think I unconsciously blame my DH for his stupid mistake of hooking up with BM -- but then again, you can go down the path of "what-if's."
We told SD the news. She was "fake happy." Meaning, she knew what to say and how to respond when people asked her. But, when we asked her to tell her mom the news..or anyone else actually, she'd shy away and say "no, YOU tell them." I don't understand that...but whatever.
When she's here now, I don't have the energy or desire to entertain her. I would rather sit on the couch or go for a walk with DH and our dogs. Everything is low key now. Maybe when the baby is born, the only thing we can do together is stay at home or go for walks with the baby (no more movies) or going out to restaurants (sometimes).
Anyways, be excited that SD is excited. Now she can say "I have a brother from another mother :)" Does SD call your son brother or half-brother?
I told DH that I'm less tolerant of things I'd normally be tolerant of - and SD is one of them. We haven't seen her since Xmas (we skipped last visitaton weekend becuase SD got us sick)...oh, that's another thing. Try skipping visitation if SD is sick - I'm hoping that the kid is always sick so she wouldn't come over and I'd have some peace and quiet. SD got me sick...just a normal cold..but I was out for TWO WEEKS! It takes a pregnant women (in your case, you already gave birth) 3x as long to recover! I also told DH that when BM had SD, she had the luxury of just taking care of the baby....and you'd like that luxury for a while..or at least you guys get adjusted to having the new baby around..do you think he'd go along with that excuse?
'brother from another mother'
love that. so great.
DH is actually (in my opinion) overcompensating where SD is concerned, so I don't think he'll want her to stay away. I realize a lot of this is me -- afterall, she is only 6. I think you hit on something about the increased work. When I'm holding the baby and trying to get SD breakfast while DH sleeps, I'm thinking, it would be nice to not have to mother her right now.
I think another part of it might be that since having my son I realize how different our love is. SD and I love each other, but it has it's limitations. I guess the new arrival is underscoring how much I put up with with SD (she loves to tell me how she doesn't love me as much as her mother -- yet I have to be a "real" parent all the time.). Even thought she definitely is a 'good kid', I realize that she has the luxury of being a kid, and I have to be the adult which normally didn't bother me, but it does when it's on top of being a new mom.
Not sure this is making sense. I'm sleep deprived, afterall...
Thanks all for listening.
It is hard
My SD was 10 when first BD was born. And 13 when second BD was born. It's hard because you want to focus 100 percent on the baby but you can't because there's another kid to take care of.
On the flip side, would it help if you didn't think of SD as SD, but only as your child? I say this because when my second BD was born, I knew she would NEVER get as much one-on-one time with mommy as the first one did. I couldn't nap when baby napped because I had a 3-year-old to take care of. I'm sure I would have resented it more if she had been by SD and not my BD.
Just some input from someone who has been there ... and survived.
You are completely normal with your feelings
My relationship with my SD really went downhill after my BD was born. I think it was because SD had been used to me dropping everything for her (even over my two sons because they had it better with their dad and SM getting along so well with me and DH. So since SD's mom was crazy and always causing drama I was super focused on SD.
Then I gave birth and had a newborn requiring my attention 24/7. Now that baby is a toddler, and is the light of my (and DH's) life. SD has become a rude and demanding teenager, and I am not at her beckon call any longer. I'm not sure it was really my intentional preferring my own BD over SD, since I didn't do it with my sons, but more SD's rudeness toward me, selfishness, self centered requests (she used the birth of BD to try to manipulate BM into throwing a big b-day party for her the week I gave birth, b/c we obviously couldn't. BM didn't come through either so it backfired.)
Those things changed the way I relate to her, coupled with the fact that I'm exhausted. My sons have stepped up to help with my BD in anyway they can, and have enjoyed it. They are shinning as big brothers. SD treats BD as a toy or pet, and BD doesn't want anything to do with her most of the time. This has only increased SD's irritability with all of it. Now she's jealous of her dad having another daughter, of my sons' being preferred by BD.
I have decided to let go of the fantasy that families ever really blend. SD doesn't want to be an equal member of this family and she makes it clear daily. She wants priority over everyone else, she wants to control everything.
Sorry, didn't mean to go on, but you've really touched on something here that many of us deal with.
DH and I just try to love each child the best we know how, and right now none of it's good enough for one of them.
The others are blending together nicely. The boys would give their little lives for that toddler I'll tell ya. They just love her to pieces. But they're mine too. And I think they see her as a part of all of us.
Peace, love, and red wine
Could have written your words
Oh my god I just found this web site and wish I had found it months ago. Reading your post - I could have written it myself. It is so encouraging to me to know that apparently it is natural for the SM to resent the SD after having a baby, and for the SD -- especially a teen -- to want her presence to be known above and beyond the baby in highly irritating ways.
Sometimes I think I can't believe how much I resent my SD living with us full time (doesn't even want to do full weekends twice a month with BM anymore) and then I talk myself down reminding myself that I signed up to be with a man who had a pre-teen, now full-fledged teen. This is what I signed up for.
I get occasional emotional reward from it though.....like when I heard that SD told her therapist that she wished I was her mom. And when she said last night that she tells all her friends that she has the coolest parents in the world (referring to me and her Dad.)
So maybe I can live with all the self-centered, annoying stuff and forgive her for how shitty she was when BD was born.
And reading your exit line -- I think I'm going to go have a glass of wine and celebrate the discovery of this web site.
thanks
You are Normal!
Don't worry this is soooo normal. I went through the same thing when I had DD. Make matters worse for me, SS7 (6 when DD was born) came to see me in the hospital when I had DD, then end up staying for a week. I had a C-section and couldn't do anything. I'm not sure about this for sure, but for me it was like there is this extra person that UI have to look after. And then there is the fact that DH has this other child and it isn't mine. this feeling can come and go with me. DH often feels guilty that now SS "time" is taken by DD. It is really hard. The feelings can be very confusing. Now DD is crawling and getting into everything, SS likes to play with her, but get mad that he can't leave his toys every where. Just a suggestion if your SD plays with her toys in common rooms, start training her now not to leave little things on the floor. 9 months later, and it's still a battle. I just throw away thing I find on the floor. That though him really quick.
One of mine, One of his, One of Ours
Reading many of the above comments made me feel very sad for the kids involved. What about putting yourself in the shoes of the child? Sounds like Step child has formed a pretty good relationship with SM, which in itself can be quite a challenge, then when a baby comes along SM feelings change? What were you doing, just playing at mommy's and daddy's? Poor SK, how is he to feel if the adults switch love on and off like that?.
It is very important not to get too stuck on the idea that you feel irritated more than usual because the kid is a SK when pregnant or with a new baby. It is probably nature's way in getting mom focussed on the brand new life that needs attention. Besides, I've seen mothers very irritated and angry with their own children when pregnant or with a new demanding baby.
I had my baby going through appalling mind games and bullying by BM which resulted in a deeply distressed SS5 who lived with us full-time. My BS6 had issues with his BD who lost 'interest' for a while until his new girl-friend became interested.
Tip#1: NEVER take it personally when a kid behaves badly or inappropriately. That's where you get to practice and hone those parenting skills.
My BS, SS and BD taught me a lot! They turned out pretty neat by the way in spite of a mad BM managing to cause some serious mischief.
If you only knew
How much I have bent over backwards to show SD she matters, is an equal member of the family, that we love her. It is never enough. She is insatiable, and is encouraged by her BM to be more demanding. Right now, I am the only parent she communicates with openly because she trusts me. I have done the best I can and will continue to do so. SD is very manipulative and I am constantly juggling trying to be a supportive, but firm parent.
This is a child who blames everyone for anything she doesn't like- get a bad grade? It's because the teacher hates her, not because she didn't know the material
Peers get mad at her for bragging about how their BF's really like her instead? They are simply jealous.
SD never takes a look inside herself for remedies to any situation-just throws blame around. We are deep into counseling to try to help her- she only interprets it as us wanting to blame her for other's mistakes. She is the helpless victim always, I think she really believes that.
We walk on eggshells in our house for SD's sake, regarding BM. It's heavy most of the time.
Peace, love, and red wine
you've missed the point, Yvonne
I wasn't just "playing at being a Mommy". This is not a warm/fuzzy topic -- not something that is 'good' or ideal. I'm just stating how I feel. I always try to parent well and not let my shortcomings interfere with good-parenting. I was just using this space to talk about some feelings I had. Please don't judge me. I realize that my feelings of resentment short-changes my SD. But this site if for talking about some feelings we often have that are not so pretty to look at. And it helps to hear how other have dealt with similar feelings/situations. (Thanks for all the supportive posts, Everyone!)
Trust me, I've been on both sides of this issue (I was raised by my step-mother). But I don't think the answer is to pretend the 'uglier' side of step-parenting doesn't exist. We can intend to be the best parents in the world -- but that includes dealing with the tougher moments that happen between the joyful ones.
the exact opposite
I had a really hard time accepting my SS before my BD was born. I felt like his BM was always lording it over me that she gave MY DH a baby. I was never mean but always kind of short and distant. After my BD was born it was so easy to love my SS. He loves his little sister so much and ya know, I love them both unconditionally.
Life is fleeting but impressions eternal...and yours are forever etched into my soul
omg - I FEEL THE SAME WAY!!
I had my baby a few weeks ago. We haven't had a normal visitation weekend since she was born (SD would come over every now and then with DH's relatives) - I'm dreading visitation again!!! Where there's a SD, there's a BM CLOSE BY - and I know she'll want to see/hold/touch the baby. HELL NO. I have to care about SD because she's my SD. BM has NO BUSINESS in my family. She congratulated DH oh the birth of our baby and said her and her family were happy -- psssh!! this is the same person that took DH to court out of jealousy when she found out we moved in together (among other things).
Maybe...just maybe, if SD can sever the ties with BM (this will never happen), I can truly accept it. Until then, just thinking about her/them and having to deal with them is stressful. We're raising a newborn, I don't have time for crap like that. Hopefully we won't have to get her for a few more weeks - it's like an intruder in our house....an overstayed visitor. Everything gets moved around. Have to take care of the kid on top of our baby....have to entertain her, ugh -then having her report everything back to her mother, it's like having a spy for the enemy in our home.
I felt a little of this same
I felt a little of this same thing when my BD was born. SD5 lives primarily with us and she was having a lot of problems at the time with her BM so was acting out frequently. She was SO helpful and excited for the baby! Before my BD was born I dealt with her really well but then after I think I was just on overload. It was not anything against SD but just my hormones fixing themselves and the stress of being a mom for the first time with another child to care for too. I sat my DH down and explained to him that I was feeling a little overwhelmed and I needed him to either step it up and take on most of the things with SD or she needed to be cared for by someone else until I could get the hang of this newborn thing. It worked wonders. I think it was just the pressure of being a new parent and not getting the sleep your used to etc. Try not to take things to personally and tell DH you need a little extra help! Good luck! Remember its just a phase and its not because your mean or dont love you SD! Congrats
WELL BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY!!