Got any suggestions?
The last time DH went to counseling with the kids. BM sat in between the kids on the couch while DH sat in a chair opposite of them. Metaphorically, I think it says it all. (yes my opinion all along is PAS) So this time. DH asked the counselor if BM could not participate in this session so that he would have alone time to talk to the kids. So....when the kids arrived, the first thing SD said is, "Dad, keeping Mom away isn't going to change our opinions". Why couldn't Bm just keep her mouth shut and say this time you are going alone with Dad, and support it?
So, DH sits on the couch and SS sits next to him. DH pulls his arm and makes him sit away from DH on the chair instead. When asked she says she doesn't want her brother sitting next to Dad. Like it is her decision about him. Does this remind you of Lord of the Flies...
Anyway. Again, she asked for me to come to the next session. According to DH, she doesn't want to come around our house unless I'm there. Not sure exactly what is going on. I don't think she "likes" me any better and I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of sending her "another" email asking her to talk to me about her thoughts.
My other question is, at 13, is it a lost cause? I hate this.
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13 is not a lost
cause. It is probably one of the worst years of life for most girls, I do not get it.. I was a happy teen. But I had a healthy idea of self.
Kathleen you are a sharp lady, you know that BM's presence unfavorably impacts the benefit of counseling for DH and the skid's relationship. I definitely agree that DH should have separate appointments with the kids from BM. Whether the skids think its not going to change their opinions, the therapist will be able to draw out different response from them and evaluate their behavior with BM and without. I do not see how therapy can be effective otherwise. Is it possible to find your own counselor that does not include BM and when the time is right for you to join in?
Another thing. Your comment: When asked she says she doesn't want her brother sitting next to Dad. Like it is her decision about him.
Chapter 7 (Poison Control) pages 223 224 of Divorce Poison; "There is strength in numbers. It is easier for a child to act hateful towards a parent when his siblings are doing the same. Even mildly alienated child may succumb to peer pressure. By contrast, it is more difficult for a child to sustain a rejecting attitude when no one is supporting him. Very often, reversing alienation is easier when you spend time alone with each child, rather than have siblings together as a group. As mentioned in the preceding chapter, an older child sometimes serves as a stand-in for your ex, reinforcing the negative attitudes about you. .... I recommend focusing first on the rekindling your bond with the child who is least alienated."
I will add my comments here to say that more often than not, it is the teenage girls that support the PAS alienating parent. SD is BM's PAS advocate.
I couldn't agree more
I will buy this book and offer it to DH. By the way, thank you for your support. Even so, this is a battle that I feel can not be won. And it definitely feels like a win/lose battle. I threw this out there to see other's opinions. I, although dear laughsalot would suggest I am a bad person, have lost my desire to share my life with these kids. My heart has space but it feels like abalone, if you understand that reference. Anyway, thank you. I will investigate the knowledge in this book. Maybe the therapist should read it too.
Not sure I understand your reference
to abalone. Loong ago I recall reading a poem, but it escapes me the moment.
Take comfort that abalone represents the heart chakra; wearing it strengthens the heart. It is suppose to connect us with our maternal instincts and each other to promote harmony.
Abalone is one of my favorites. Lately I have been wearing amber or jade to promote courage and tranquility. How it works is for anyone to debate. For me, I know why I am wearing it and reminds me of what my goal is and I cognitively readjust. And hey, I love beautiful jewelery!
I think you can "win" this battle with a new strategy. My therapist said its not about winning.. its about managing. That was an ahhh hah moment for me. It made perfect sense.
P.S. I know I promote that book a lot, one might even think I wrote it!! ha! I never heard of the term PAS until one day desperately googling, ordered essays on the subject, bought several books even went so far to contact an authored PhD to find out more about the topic. No expert here, just desparate. The book gave me confirmation that I was not nuts... not even the 150.00 a session with my own therapist accomplished that!! I read and re read it, highlighted related topics/symptoms and then I let DH read it! It actually changed my perception of the situation and even BM. (BTW the book is not that "heady". I was disappointed in its simplicity for such a deep topic, but it is the simplicity that makes it work)
I am very spiritual and not necessarily in a conventionally "organised" way. After I read this book, all I could think of was forgive them, they know not what they do. After reading the book it is so pathetic that you can only walk away from it with a sympathetic heart. But you will have knowledge, and well, you know what they say about that!