Adoption...
... and that's another drama. When I was 12, my mother told me that my SF wanted to adopt me. She said it was his idea. 10 years later there I was paying to have my name changed because I couldn't afford the adoption fees. He could afford buying tractors, stereo systems, & whatever other equipment he really wanted. But he couldn't afford to adopt me?
Then I grew up. I realized that when you really want something, you are willing to work to get it. I think the adoption was actually my mother's idea. I think she proposed it to him & he agreed to avoid trouble. Then my mother told me that crap. I don't think it was intended to do harm, but it did. There's a lot of needless resentment there, & I think that if my mother would have just left it alone, I'd have a better relationship with him than I do. I mean, he's a decent man... he's never done anything abusive or inappropriate with me. He financially supported my mother & her ideas for me. He bought me a bike... he bought me my first car. He's been a good stepdad. But my mother put this idea into my head & kept telling me "he loves you like a real dad" but all the while he never acted like it. "He's too macho to show it." Bullsh*t. The evidence says otherwise. Hello! He acts like my presence is a nuisance & when I ask him for help I might as well take care of things myself, because he wouldn't condescend to piss on me if I were on fire. That's love? Um... no. It's not.
Hipi
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the blending of it all
Interesting. You just described my dad as well,but he's my BF. I was wondering how old your SD is. My dad's in his late sixties and he was never very supportive of what we were into as kids. He was resentful of activities that my mom enrolled us in. And I joke now that when I was single and needed help, I could ask my dad, but...
It came at a very high price. A lecture about everything he thought I was doing wrong with my house/car/kids/life... I think it's generational.
My first H was in a blended family. He was the only Bio kid of his dad's and his siblings were from his mom's first marriage. His dad was a horrible SF AND BF but his siblings to this day think he loved my ex more than them. And knowing my Ex Father-in-law as long as I did I think he was dismayed about how everyone, including my exH felt about him as a father. He supported them financially, no emotional intimacy. He never told my exH, his own BS he loved him. For his generation that was all they thought fatherhood was about, you know?
I'm a SM in a blended family now (two sons of mine, daugther his and daughter both of ours.)My SD has a totally dysfunctional relationship with her mom. I try so hard to make up for her mom's inability to show love. I treat my SD as if she was my BD, and would adopt her in a heartbeat if her BM ever completely left the picture. But my SD views everything I do with suspicion that it's either not sincere, or done just b/c she's my SD. When I do something nice I'm the best mom ever, when I have to correct I'm the wicked SM, and she tells other people I hate her.
Where as when my BM and BF (who are still married)did things good or "bad" their love for me was never in question. I simply didn't even think about it. Just another layer of the blended stuff we have to find a way to overcome.
Peace, love, and red wine