And for some reason the husbands never seem to think there's a problem with it until it's pointed out to them that other people might think there is. I think it really depends on how much inappropriate behavior she's doing. Like in the most recent case before yours on this site that I can remember, the child would bounce up and down on her dad's lap and do some really obviously inappropriate things. What all else does the child do besides hugging and spooning him? Does she ever do anything that could be considered sexual, especially to an outsider (I think spooning is, but some people might not)? Long kisses on the lips, bouncing on his lap, feeling his skin under his shirt, etc?

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Hi, you can read my blog from last week about this too. My SD, who is also 11 yo, tries to sleep with her dad, too, along with the other things you mentioned, etc. Look for the blog posted by me "strugglingat28" with a similar title. You can read what others told me about this situation, too.
Glad to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.
Take care!

My sd is 12 and she is the same way....it really freaks me out, and while I was never like that as a child, even though I'm a daddy's girl, I did have a friend who was an only child who was like that....I'm lucky though, atleast if I tell her it's making me sick, my husband tells her it is getting a little annoying. I don't know what to do about it...there are pluses I guess, if she gets positive affection from her dad maybe she won't seek it from boys in other ....sexual ways. and at the same time I 100 % agree with you, it's NOT appropriate at all. Sometimes, I think it's her trying to make me feel jealous or possibly get my husband to disagree with me that she shouldn't be doing it....

And I would find it inappropriate for him to do those things to me. I know this is not the point but just to turn it around to a mother and son and not a step but a Bio kid and opposite sex, it's all the same really. My son gets plenty of love and affection with hugs and appropriate attention for age and gender. My 11 year old SS hangs off his dad and swings off his leg and lays all over him on the couch and I thnk he looks like a big baby, but it doesn't bother me.

If you look at it from a point of veiw of a son doing it to his dad the sexual content is taken out of the equation, therefore I can see in our case that SS is just out for attention and love as he gets none at home with his mother.

Maybe this is similar problem for you ladies with your Sd's. When DH puts a lot of attention on me and our BS2, SS gets worse and clings more to his father. Maybe we have something there?? I wouldn't think in all cases it is sexual but surely inappropriate anyway. If it were father/daughter with my DH, I would ask him to sit her down and tell her how much he loved her, but there is an age where the nature of their affection has to change a little to accommodate society and to teach her how to act appropriately for her future, because really, if she thinks that affection is normal she could get herself in many a situation in years to come.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

My oldest SD was ten when I married her dad and she was VERY clingy. She would always climb up on his lap, lean up against him when he was sitting on the couch, hug him a zillion times a day. I knew her story, though, and knew this was just a little girl who was unsure where she stood in his life. She is actually NOT my husband's biological child. She was conceived during an affair her mother had while DH was deployed in the first Gulf War. Anyway, he agreed to raise her as his own, they had two more children and all was good until BM got caught cheating again and they finally divorced. After the divorce, BM told SD that DH was not her real dad. She was only six. BM had paternity established in the bio father so that she could collect CS from two men, which netted her more money, and SD suddenly had to deal with having two dads. She had to go on visitation with the new dad and DH didn't have any rights to her at all. Anyway, DH never abandoned her and continues to claim her as his own to this day, but this was a horribly confusing thing for this little girl to go through. First the divorce and then having two dads. She had a hard time making the adjustment and dealing with her abandonment issues. So, she would climb up on DH's lap practically before his ass ever hit the couch. It wasn't just him, though, she also clung to ME a lot in the early years, too. She would sit on my lap, curl up in my arms, hug me whenever I walked by, and wanted to be with me every second we had the kids for visitation. I took her aside and reassured her that I loved her just as much as his other two "real" children and just as much as I loved my own "real" child and that would never change. I made sure she knew she would always have a place in our family, would always be one of "our" kids and would always have us in her life as another set of parents. I never turned her away when she'd come to me for affection and neither did her dad, but as puberty approached, she did gradually stop being so clingy and physically affectionate with both of us. She was also pretty well-developed for her age, but inside that young woman's body was a little girl who had regressed a lot psychologically and, really, just needed to be held and loved.

I don't know what the story is with your SD, lcooper, but if I were you, I would see if I could find out what's going on in her head, because there may be some underlying insecurity at work here. There could be something bothering her. Try to remember, too, that no matter what the outside package looks like, she's still just an 11yo girl who is nowhere near as mature mentally and emotionally as she is physically. She could be uncomfortable with the changes in her body and wants to keep being "daddy's little girl" instead of a maturing young woman. Whether her actions are coming from a place of fear/insecurity or if she's trying to usurp your place in ther father's life, I don't know, but I would focus more on the WHY than on the WHAT. Once you resolve the WHY, the WHAT will cease to be a problem.

My son will be 10 in January and he doesn't wallow all over me, anymore, but if something is bothering him, he will curl up on my lap and pour his heart out to me. No matter how old or how big you get, sometimes you still need your Mama (or Daddy!) and while most kids grow out of the clinginess by this age, she probably has something going on emotionally that is causing her to act this way. Also, the rest of the world may see her as 11 going on 15, but her dad probably just sees her as his kid, so it's no wonder he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

~ Anne ~

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My fiance has a 12 year old BS who constantly sits on his lap, hugs on him, and pulls on him whenever he's around. From what my fiance says his BS does receive affection from his BM so I can't call it. Please let me know your thoughts when it is the boy on the father's lap.

If I had seen my biodaughter do that to her biodad I would have stopped it at around 6. Now, these kids are skids and as Crayon implied, they are being raised with GUILT so appropriate parenting is absent. It is all about guilt parenting.

My BF daughter(nearly 10 yr)lives full time with us and is very clingy...has the "mini me" thing going on too with her father. She acts more live a 4-5 year does. If he is sitting down, she is on top of him. If he walks to the restroom..she follows him to the door. If he steps outside, she is with him. She wants to eat what he eats, do the same things he does, imitates him when he yawns, ect. I can't sit by him when we go out to eat or an event or she throws a fit. She hardly ever visits her mother or has any friends so my BF and I never have any alone time other than when we go to bed and wake up in the morning. It hurts...it really makes me feel inferior because I am always in the background.

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GAGGGG!!! My SD12 does this too. I'm not sure if it's because of me or because the younger ones do it. But it is highly HIGHLY inappropriate. My sister even said she thought it was weird when she witnessed it. Ugh!! If I'm sitting next to DH on the couch and get up to do something, when I get back she'll be there on top of him in my spot. Generally hubby makes her move but WHAT THE HELL!! Why did he let her do it in the first place?! We have a HUGE sectional with plenty of room for everyone. And then she walks around the house in these skimpy shorts with half of her rear end hanging out. She would say they were "comfortable to sleep in" but I threw them away. I don't get it. I was never like this with my dad after about 10 or so. Yuck, yuck, yucky yuck!! I feel for you.

I'm.... well...over 30... and I still sit on my dad's lap sometimes. I hug him and give him a kiss when I leave. My brother and sister do the same and both are over 30. We do the same thing to our mother.Our family is very close. I really don't see a problem with this, however, my parents are still married to each other. I think when it is your own child, you don't so much see a problem with it. When it is someone else's you just don't have the same kind of bond.

I've said the same thing on other similar threads. It depends on the context. I think that saying that at a certain age, affectionate behavior has to stop is not right. Shutting kids down completely because you're afraid of sexualizing them does exactly the opposite. It actually sexualizes them at an earlier age and they will seek the affection you deny elsewhere and probably through sexual means. Now, I think that a lot of the behaviors that kids of divorced parents exhibit do it out of feeling out of place, especially with a step parent in the mix. The kind of behavior I'm talking about is hanging on the parents, pushing in when the stepparent is getting affection, etc. This kind of behavior needs to be addressed as inappropriate while at the same time allowing for appropriate times and ways to show similar yet still appropriate types of affection. When you've got this type of behavior, clingy, it's inappropriate not because it's in any way sexual but because it's just plain inappropriate, just like if a kid was whining at or hitting their parents.

I sit on my husbands lap, as does my SD12. Usually it's when we're short seats, like waiting on a bench outside a restaurant or something. Same with all the kids. SS11 will sit on my lap, like just last week while we were camping. And, SS 9 gives me kisses. Heck, we all share blankets while we watch movies. And, SD12 will even wrestle with her dad, just like she wrestles with her Jiu Jiutsu instructor and her brothers. I really don't see anything wrong with this type of affection and have no fears of anything sexual or inappropriate between my husband and SD. Now, if she was clingy, that would be another story, but she's not, and I'm comfortable with my place in my relationship, though I do have to wonder about some of the other posters.

And, I only wonder because it can sometimes make me jealous to see DH being affectionate with the kids, especially when I'm busy doing something and can't join in, or feeling sad and wishing I could get a hug. But, really, that's childish. I acknowledge that it's OK for me to feel that way and then I move on. I get plenty of affection from my husband and don't need to compete for it or let those feelings of jealousy start me to thinking that there's anything sexual or inappropriate about him loving his kids and them loving him back. It's OK to feel jealous. In fact, it's good to acknowledge that instead of repressing it and letting it turn into unfounded accusations leading to actions that may end up coming back to bite you.

Think about it - if your stepmom said to you that you couldn't sit on your dad's lap anymore, how would you feel about it and about her? Yeah, not so good. Even if your dad told you that. Now, if you get told that you can't sit on dad's lap while he's trying to eat dinner or pull on his arm anymore, you'd probably be upset, but as long as you were allowed other times and types of affection, I'm sure you'd be fine.

So, bottom line: affection - sexual? no. clingy? not OK, needs to be dealt with.

The more I see what happens in my own home the more I see it as an attention getting thing. I notice she is all over her father when she can't get him to pay attention to her. He tells to get off and she refuses. She's also is super clingy when she is around other family members and in the public. That could be her showing everyone that this is "my daddy not hers and I am marking my territory". I dunno...I give up trying to understand..it is pointless.

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