Real Love/Step Love -- Saying 'I love you'
A year or so ago my SD, then maybe 5, was struggling with loyalty/love issues for me. She said she "didn't want to hurt my feelings" but that she loved her BM more. I, of course, rushed to reassure her that those feelings are natural, that mommys are special, and everyone loves their mother with a special bond.
A year later, it's become almost a catch phrase for her. "I love you, but not as much as my mommy." I've tried telling her that love is not a competition. That it's wonderful and natural to have all different kinds of love (parent love, spousal love, child love, pet love) in ones life. (all the while reassuring her that I'll love her identically to my child who is due in January.)
Today she was giving me a big hug/snuggle in public and a stranger commented "you must really love your mommy." SD replied "she's my stepmommy. and I love my mom more." She said it with kindness, as if to set the record straight, but what is going on here? Do I ask her to stop pointing that out? Or let her express it?
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It sounds like she's having some real loyalty issues. I think she feels guilty because she loves you and maybe still doesn't understand that she can have love for lots of different people in different ways.
When I was growing up as a step-child, when people commented that I looked a lot like my "mom" (when it was really my step-mom), I just smiled and thanked them. Strangers don't know any better and it's sometimes not worth it to point out that they were wrong because it makes them feel bad (there's another conversation for when she's older).
My opinion - keep on the track you're on. Keep explaining the concept of familial love and how she shouldn't feel guilty. Eventually I'm sure it will click that she doesn't have to clarify because the only one she's saying it for is herself.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
OOOOh tough one.
She is 6 correct? My biggest concern would be when your child begins talking, would he/she pick up on big sister's phrasing? I would wait until that could become an issue, to bring it up to sd, she will be a little older then and maybe she can understand a little better. I realize how frustrating hearing it all the time must be. It really bites to always put your best foot forward, and these are the kind of rewards we get.
This summer my ss fell on our patio hitting his head, I threw my cordless phone, keys to the house, everything about a hundred yards, and dashed over to him, checked his head, wrapped my arms around him, to try and comfort him, just like I would for my bsons. It was like hugging a rag doll, he went completely limp in my arms, and acted like he was so uncomfortable with me hugging him, it really shocked me. I mean he will walk up to me and give me a hug and I know he does love me, but it was weird. It was like I freaked him out by mothering him.
I made a joke about checking the patio for cracks, after his head hit it, he laughed and all was fine again. It really was weird for the few minutes between him getting hurt, and the joke though.
**Edited to add, I know kids don't do these things on purpose, but it doesn't make them sting any less, wanted to clarify**
SS does the same
He tells me everyday that I am not his mommy but I am his step mommy. I can hear those words coming right out of his mothers mouth. Makes me sick. I don't know how to handle it either. I want so bad to tell him that he doesn't have to point that out everyday, but he is so young I don't think he would understand what I am talking about. Who knows the right way to handle it? Is there is "right way" to handle this?
Daddys Gurl
It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!