my thoughts and ideas on the feminist aspect of being a step-mom.

I've been thinking lately about why it is that step-mom's get such a hard time. I sometimes wonder if it's not indicitive of the general disregard our society has for women's work. A step-mom reminds people that the Mother divorced the father of her children (however willingly) and another woman fell in love with that man. Since many parts of our culture still frown on divorce, it's somewhat natural that step-mom approval ratings would be low.

I've always found the competitiveness between bio and step to really be an extension of women's generally competitive nature. We are taught that we need to compete for the man. Men are seen as the resource. Now, I know, I've complained about my ex's second wife as much as anyone around her, but I don't vent about it in front of the kids and this site helps me do that. She really is horrid and is obviously jealous of me and really it is actually creepy.

What I ultimately wonder is this. How long are we, the step-mom's, going to accept the negative attitudes that we deal with. What would it take for sm's to be seen as people that are giving to children, which is what we are expected to do. I get tired of being maligned for the part of my life that I think asks the very most compassion of me. I do feel that I am providing a positive influence in my skids lives and I'm not interested in having a posture of apology for the very fact that I exist.

I wonder what, if anything, we could do to erradicate some of the knee-jerk negativity that we deal with all the time.

For me, it's a case by case, person by person journey. I do my best to educate each person one at a time. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of negative perceptions.

Coming to this site has been the first time that I've actually seen women helping each other with this. This place has been a really good sounding board for me and I continue to post.

I never really thought of myself as being the sort of person that would take up the issue of step-parenting, but sometimes I wonder. I am actually trained in co-sharing leadership by an internationally famous writer and activist. Maybe part of me is just wishing I could use some of those skills. I'm not sure what I would do though. I'm somewhat tossing around the idea of having a step-parenting group that would meet realtime.

Well, I'm not really sure where I am going with all of this. I'm just mostly thinking out loud.

Would be interested in hearing other people's ideas about all of this.

// Susanna

Susanna's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

agreed! we deal with much discrimination

Let me ask it this way: can you think of one example in books/film/television where the stepmother is a really great character? I can't believe that we as a culture haven't outgrown our Cinderella/wicked stepmother obsession. Every single time I see an 'evil/clueless/ignorant stepmother' on TV I inwardly cringe.

I would love to see a movement to champion stepparent's rights, and I'd join it in a second. Until then, I feel that we all are doing battle on a case-by-case basis. Given how common our presence is today, we still grapple with basic societal attitudes that impede our ability to parent well.

What did your training teach you?

I get a different look

I don't say stepchildren, I say I have three children. Their mother is only a year older then I am. And when people ask how old they are, and find out that they are over the age of 16 - all of them, WHOA you can see it all over their faces, that I must have been "one of THOSE kinds of girls." That drives me crazy.

As for the movies - it sucks, but I know that's not how I am, and that's not how I've treated my kids, and can only hope that they see me as a person that loves them and thier Dad.

I am involved in Fathers Rights organizations,

Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.

And the injustice is there for them as well especially where Hollywood,(movies) and the media are concerned. You do not often see movies where the father has had to step up and raise the children because the wife/mother ran off with another man or is doing drugs, or is in prison,(to which all are extremely prevalant today) nor do you see that when these same women want to step back up to the plate and be the parent they should have always been, how the judical system is so willing to hand the children back to them, with blatant disregard to the father( and yes stepmothers) and all he/they have invested in his children...The courts are all to willing to place these children back into these dysfunctional homes and why? All because she is the BIRTHmother??? Then we have a goverment that has deemed it unconstitutional to place in prison a person for his/her debts(debtor prison)and yet our goverment spends over 3 billion a year locking good men/fathers up because they cannot pay child support, all the while these same men are forced to pay for children that are kept from them which is in and of itself "kidnapping" (which is what a father would be charged with if he took the child and withheld it from its mother)and what does our judicial system do to these same women????Give them a slap on the hand, and tell them not to do it agian....You do not see any of this in the movies do you?

I have to agree

Hardest movie for my husband to watch was War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise as a dad that DIDN'T know his daughter was allergic to peanuts? Along with a ton of other stupidity on his part.
What the heck was up with that????

There is definitely a lot of ignorant comments and images.

It seems like giving birth is placed above a lifetime of actions. I think it's good that Motherhood be revered in a sense, but it doesn't have to be at the expense of all other relationships that people have with children such as step parents and fathers.

I'm not sure what can really be "done" about it. I think that opening up the lines of communications is definitely a start. In the leadership training I have had, the focus is on shared leadership, which is very difficult to achieve but very rewarding.

I suppose one of these days a hollywood director will get fed up with the same situations that we all deal with and make a movie. That would be a start.

// Susanna

"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco

We As Step Moms

Are put into roles worse then slavery. We are reminded constantly we are NOT the mother however we are responsible legally for being the parent when the bios are not around. We are basically told to just shut up and put up with rudeness, mouth, and total disregard that we are human beings. In the feminist movement this is a HUGE set back. That is a major problem with me in the situation I am in now. I am an EXTREMLY strong independent woman who was single for many years before this nightmare marriage. I feel like nothing but a wallet. I take abuse from BM, SM, and DH and personally now I am giving it back and no one is liking it much. I have a very bad outlook on being a SM. I personally hate it.

You are here