I have a confession....
I knew this is two blogs in one night...but as I was sitting here thinking about how I feel and why I don't leave, I think I know why....I think if I leave him, that he will go back to his ex-....i know it may sound crazy, but they were married for 18 years and had 6 kids, then she decided she wanted a divorce...he fought it, but she divorced him. I have always felt like the mistress and that she was still his wife, she is still the wife and mother of his children.
I feel like the intruder that keeps them from getting back to gether again. We've been together for 5 years and married for two and she has more power and control over our life than I do. And I have this terrible feeling deep in my stomach that if I left him they would get back together and after everything she put me/us through that thought makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Isn't that crazy? I don't know why I feel that way, so what if they get back together, if i leave its none of my business anymore...but it feels like after everything...that would be like spitting in my face after it all....
I'm a mess...
- Overwhelmed in Texas's blog
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OMG!
Oh hon, that fear you have makes total sense to me. Even though you'd be out of the situation....the two of them being together would definitely be like a punch in the gut after all of this shit you've endured.
I hate that you're feeling like the thing standing between them!!! Reading that line almost made me cry.
It's so weird that the wife basically chucked him off the balcony, but still has such a grip on YOUR house. How dare she?! You know what her problem is, of course: SHE IS A CONTROL FREAK. She decided that she didn't want him at all, but when he moved on she decided that was also not to her liking. He was supposed to pine away for her, I guess, for all of his days!
No offense to your DH, either, but I can't understand why HE doesn't see that. You know? With all the love you have for him, I wish he would stand up and do what is right for you. In the end, that would be better for you both.
Grrrr. I haven't even met this woman and I think I might hate her.
And don't worry about posting 2, 3, or 175 times in one day. I know I've felt like doing that, myself. Shoot, maybe I have. haha.
*big hugs*
thank you so much
you have been a big help tonight...
I agree with one blog...its
I agree with one blog...its your home and why are you letting her in your house? I'm sorry there is no way and its your husband and your time with the children when they are there. Do you call every 10 min and go there every hour to check up on them when they are with the bm? Probably not. She has no respect for you and your husband. He's your husband and what has he said when you expressed your feelings about all this? He's suppose to be supportive of you...his wife..Not his exw. The ball is in your court. You need to tell him some things need to change around here. As for those kids..You don't even feel like your at home in your own home. Well that you need to demand. Demand the respect of his children. They will respect you for it in the long run. And have a talk with your husband about setting some ground rules. You'd be amazed how children adapt to stucture and rules. Compromise with the exw...okay with the calls but she needs to stop coming to the house. PERIOD. Thats crazy.
commenting on your 2nd blog-I dont understand if you feel this strongly then why do you stay? I don't care how many years I put in, life will move on. Yes, easier said than done. And it takes a lot of courage to do it. I'm sorry, i'm just telling it like it is. There is no way you should put yourself in this position espeically if you feel like the other women. Girl..get a grip...Get some confidence. Look at yourself and ask yourself...is this the way I want to live out the rest of my life? If you leave and they get back together then they deserve each other. You move on with your life and don't look back. I know at times of turmoil you come across asking yourself what will I do if I get divorced etc... But then again 5 years from now do you want to be asking yourself I should've done this 5yrs ago. Wasted 5 more precious years of your life. For what? If things haven't gotten better, well then what makes you think they will later? I hope I didn't offend you in any way but I am just telling you from expierence. My opionion.
tough words..
but you have very good points, here's my sticking point, this is my third marriage...I want so badly for it to work, and I feel like I'm the weak link in all this...like maybe I'm not trying hard enough...I feel like if I give up on this, I've failed again...
I am nodding right now in agreement.
Yeah, I feel that. More than one marriage and it gets where you feel like "OMG I *mean* for my commitments to last...but *when* will they stick?!"
I get that (having been married twice now). BUT, I don't think you're the weak link, necessarily. I think our (meaning me and you) weak links are our choices in men/loves/etc....but that doesn't make *us* weak. It just means we love truly and deeply....and get sucked into bad situations. We have the best intentions, tho. Ya know?
Yes, it came seem like it's us. When we have a trail of muddled relationships behind us, it can get to where we say "Hmmm, what do these relationships have in common. OH YEAH! ME!!!!!"....and that can be true, to a point. But the fact remains that we meant well, loved a lot, and keep on hoping for things to turn the corner into happiness.
I guess we just have to learn that (since we do attract difficult situations) we aren't failures if other people take advantage of a good heart. That's THEM...they are the users/abusers. You and I are the ones who take because we just want to make everything right.
Sadly, we can't *make* anything. And that hurts.
Again, I hope things get better and I hope you can get to a place that leaves you satisfied. If that isn't this family? Hey, you have your friends here, and your health, and your friends in the "real world", and there is always another chance for you to find the happiness you deserve. I believe that. I really do.
I am confused, does she
I am confused, does she actually, literally COME IN YOUR HOUSE? Or is the intrusion of phone calls and emails what you mean by her constantly being there?
BM has never once step foot in this house...never. Nor has my ex. However, there are definitely times we can *feel* one or the other here...
It is what it is...
no she intrudes
via the constant emails and phone calls...every day, multiple times a day...although I should have seen the warning signs, when I first started dating my husband, she had a key to his house and would let herself in as she pleased when the kids where there and he was at work....she even let herself in one day when I was over there checking on his kids, and proceeded to pee all around the house like a dog establishing its territory if you know what I mean, she absolutely wanted me to know that she felt she was the queen bee and I was a worker bee...
okay back to my 2nd comment.
okay back to my 2nd comment. I meant leaving only if you feel you have done all you can to make the marriage work. I'm not a quitter on marriages but you can only do and control so much. Remember that too.
The BM we deal with
Was calling everyday until she found out BF was married. She was interfering with every aspect of my DH's life and using her own children to spy on us. We put a stop to it. Got rid of the cordless phones and the children must now sit in the corner to speak to her. We dont interfere with the calls. They can't walk off into another room while she tells them secrets and her bs. We also got call forwarding. When DH is not home ALL the calls get forwarded to his cell phone. HE and HE alone has to deal with her. If BM calls when DH is out and about oh well she will have to wait until he gets home. She never calls the kids however. She will go on for months and not speak to the children and then call and leave a very nasty message saying she has tried to call for "Weeks" and couldn't get though while taping her own drama. I got a software that tracks every incoming and outgoing call. This way if there is a court issue and she says she has been calling and can't get the kids. Well we have proof she doesn't call at all.