Why is it that men never want to place the blame on anyone when it's clearly their fault, yet have no problem placing the blame when they know they are in the clear?!

Hesitant, I don't know how to advise you. I'm thinking he needs to hear this from an unbiased third party: HIS PARENTING SKILLS SUCK WIND! The reason he got so defensive is because he knows this is true. I get the whole summer/bedtime thing. My son is nine and I do let him stay up later than usual during the summer months. Probably most of us do, at least on the weekends. But "later than usual" means ten, although I might let him watch a movie until eleven if he stays in his bed and doesn't disturb anyone else. But he's teaching her bad manners when he lets her disturb your sleep when she is a guest in your home. I'm not liking his pissy attitude about it, either.

You know, I don't think this is about the kids at all. Maybe this is more about the, um, status of your relationship. Is there a future there? Does he see you as his children's stepmother? Has he chosen you as his life partner? If the answer to any of those is supposed to be YES, then he has to respect you, he has to teach his children to respect you, and he and they must consider you his equal in all things familial. If that doesn't happen, then you are smart to be "Hesitant." I have to say, had it been me getting awakened in the middle of the night, I would have said - the FIRST time, not the LAST time - "Honey, we have to work in the morning. Please leave the phone on the nightstand and go to sleep. Goodnight!"

Maybe you could ask him these questions and find out what role he sees you playing in his life and in his children's lives now and in the future. If he has expectations of being their their stepmother, then he has to respect you as such. That means involving you in discipline. If he doesn't have this expectation, then no sweat... you see him without his kids, if that's what you want to do, and don't worry about it. It's his funeral.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

Oh man. This is tough.

First--you were totally right in your way of thinking. And you're very intuitive...he is feeling guilty about the divorce and he's now vowed to become Disney Dad to make up for it. What that child did was not only inappropriate, but dangerous--how did he know who she was even talking to? At 4 am, no child should be up, let alone playing on a cell phone. Is he also going to allow her to IM and email "friends" at all hours of the night because he's guilty? He's going to guilt her right into a very bad situation.

But you already know that. Where I do think you, perhaps, could've done differently, was talk to him in the morning, once you AND he were able to get some sleep. And when you had a chance to cool down. Because even though you couldn't have been more right, there's a time and a place to best address this kind of issue, and it's usually not in the heat of the moment. Why? Because the sentiment gets lost in the delivery. BF probably knew that you were right, but he clearly felt like he was being attacked--and I'm not saying you WERE attacking. But, lack of sleep, tempers flared...nothing good can come of it. Maybe a better solution would've been to call later the next day and say "Hey, I just wanted to mention that I was a little surprised at how you handled things last night with [daughter's name]." No accusing, no demanding.

Anyway...I agree that you need to discuss what your role will be in the future. You cannot continue this relationship and get closer to this man only to marry him and become second fiddle to those girls. It's NOT fair to you, them, or your son. Marriage should be born out of the yearning to merge, share, cooperate...he seems to have an idea of how it WILL be and that your opinion will have zero bearing because they are "his" kids.

This IS a red flag, but it might be lowered if you sit down and talk about expectations. Maybe it was a good thing--if it spurs a positive discourse and establishes expectations, you have a starting point at the very least. And you will, possibly, learn whether or not this situation will be something that you can live with.

Good luck!
krissy

I am appalled at the situation and completely empathize with you girl! I find it hard to stand up for myself out of concern for stepping on others toes or maybe it's not my place to say. I learned to get over it real quick in the Step family unit. My first question is, why does she have access to a phone anyway? Am I archaic in thinking that kids, such as 11 or 12 (my SD's age) should be laughed at when they want their own phone??? I can see 15 or 16. Okay, sorry, enough about me. I think, if you choose to talk through this with him, that you make it clear it is not a personal attack on his parenting skills (lie if you have to) but when the girls are guests in YOUR house, they abide by YOUR rules. Maybe it would help if you sat them down and said upfront, "these are the rules of my house" That way they are clear on it, maybe they just don't know they are being rude? And I don't think you should feel one ounce of fault for this one. Explain to your BF that whether it is his kids, your kids, or the neighbor's kids, you will not put up with it. And, I'm sorry to say, if he doesn't like it and doesn't have the girls spend the night, well, so be it. Less stress for you. I know that sounds a little cold, but better this happened now,before any legality is set in motion (ie marriage) when the family is blended and then you find out how he reacts...or doesn't react. Keep strong!

This one is tough. And who am I to advise anything? heh. I will say this, though: you aren't wrong for feeling how you feel. Your BF is in the wrong on this one, but he may never see it. Like you said, he is blinded by guilt from the divorce.

I also agree that this situation is a HUGE red flag.

I currently live in a situation where my DH not only used to act like your BF, but still does. And we've known each other for 16 years.

If your gut says, "FLEE!!!!", then maybe you should follow it's cry. If you truly believe this is an isolated incident? Then hey, give it another day or two in court.

From your post, you sound independent and intelligent, so even if you leave this guy, chances are you will still have another family in your future. Honesty, I think you sound pretty terrific.

When I see behavior like that coming out of divorced men, it makes me have little respect for them. Where are the guidelines with his kids? I'd be fuming if my own bio daughter pulled that selfish crap in the middle of the night. Eleven is still young though and daddy should be educating her about having "consideration" for others. tha't what it boils down to. It's NOT okay to wake people up when they are sleeping for such matters as inconsequential as that!!
You better be bleeding if you wake me up after midnight! I don't care if it's summer vacation for the kids or not...it's still a "work" night for me.

Alot of kids today are growing up very self-centered, and yes, most divorced dads have that guilt syndrome..and they aren't doing their kids any justice. For example my skids don't have any set chores to do when they visit us occasionally. I personally don't care but how are they going to learn responsiblity and accountability, etc.? Aren't we supposed to teach them that at home. Did divorce give them the "Get out of chores card." Did it afford them the "You can do anything at anytime card whenever they're at Dad's house?" I feel sad cause when I say...let's not let them watch something that may be inappropriate, hubby just shrugs and says..I can't control what they do at their mom's house and they are allowed there, so we may as well just let them watch it. We just don't seem to have "control" or power over some situations. And I think it's an excuse that men use so they can always be the good disney daddy as someone else put it. Very sad.

Good luck my friend. I hope your bf realized you are trying to be his helpmate with this...his kid was OUT OF LINE. and he should have taken the opportunity to enlighten her. Oh well.

...

Not to be negative, but....this reminds me of situations that I was in with my now DH. I should have seen the signs back then. It hasn't gotten better and DH ends up resenting me because I get upset with the situation. I know now how very important it is to see eye to eye PRIOR to marriage. Just looking out for you, Hesitant. It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders though. Just dont let him rule you!!!

DON'T DO IT! When he gets back, sit down with him and talk. Tell him about the site, offer to let him read your heartfelt posts w/ our responses and THEN show him, if he's interested. Sasha is 100% right on this one. He'll come home even madder, because the problem still exists AND you screwed up his vacation. I know it's hard to wait. We want resolution and validation, and we want it YESTERDAY. If patience is a virtue, I'm shit outta luck. But trust us, hold off until he gets back and you can calmly, rationally address the issue face to face.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

Wait until he comes back from his vacation and anger has subsided abit. You can then maybe openly express your feelings about things a bit clearer for him to understand. If he is anything like my man you have to say it very plain and simple terms for him to grasp it and try not to show any tears because your are upset. Otherwise, he just thinks I am getting emotional over "nothing" and does not stay focused on the issue at hand.

My hubby constantly tells me that he doesn't want to be angry with his kids because they only come every 2nd weekend. My motto is, we have other kids that live with rules on a daily basis in this house, his should as well when they are here.

Good Luck to ya!
Corie

I also agree that you should not give him the posts to read until after he comes home from vacation. I can also relate to how you are feeling. I had to put up with the "Princess" for almost 8 years now. I also went through the middle of the night awakenings and how his darling can do no wrong. It's also sad to know that someone elses kids at the other end of your BF's cell phone was also up that late playing with phones when they should be in bed sleeping. My BF's daughter is 11 and she has her own cell phone. He calls it nessecity, I call it "SPOILED". I hope for your sake that your bf can come home with some sense in his head and realize that you are only trying to help him to teach his girls the right thing. I personally do not think things will get better. I lived through it all too long and things only got worse. Anything the darling princess want, princess gets and has the nerve to throw her material things in other children's faces. I can go on and on, but I think you get the point. Guilt trip all the way.