We also have received emails, calls, stating we should "get along" for the sake of the kids, it was most definately a trap. BM played her hand really good for a while then, next thing we know, we are answering accusations she made up, having to hire an attorney, and it has been 2 years for and around $8,500.00 dollars and we just recently found out we have to shell out some more money and who knows when this case is going to end. Nymh, I WOULD NOT fall for that. A lepord seldom changes it's spots and even more rarely changes them for good.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

Told me she is not your friend..
Certainly she is only being nice and changing her tune because she seriously can get into trouble and also loose partial if not custody of her child. That and this is the only reason she is being nice. Try to put yourself in her shoes if you can. You are mean and cruel for 3 years and then bam your just nice and willing to work with the ex and his new replacement for you, after you know that they are sick of the harrassment and you can get into trouble.
If you choose not to file the order and decide to all work together, great if she doesn't change back. But chances are greater for her turning into your nightmare again instead of being a wonderful woman. Sorry if it were me I would have to say NOPE I am not falling for the crap anymore. She had ample time to get her shit together and co-parent and she chose to make not only her son, your BF but your lives a living hell. If you decide not to best be cautious of her.. She almost like a "Black Widow". She will pounce on you again just be cautious.
Hugs from happy.. NYMH you seem to be the type I am, although I can see things for what they are here in my own world I can't. And I always try to think that everyone is my friend.. Do you know how many times I have gotten burned on that... LOTS. Its pretty sickening.. Just bve weary honey.. You don't need nomore crap that is for sure..

Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

And for that I thank you. In return, let me share my thoughts/experiences with you on this. When I met my STBH (seperated but not divorced) he had the idea that it would be better for everyone if we didn't tell his separated wife about me. I was NOT keen about being a secret. As you know, she didn't take it so well. For many months, I just stayed under the radar. My STBH was continually having problems with her calling many times a day leaving messages... etc. He was forced to have a restraining order placed when she assaulted him in a fit of rage. After she had been arrested many times for violations of the restraining order and CONTINUED to call him for six months saying that she no longer cared about me, that she only needed to be able to discuss daughter and her needs with him, I offered to be a "go-between". He thought it was a horrible idea. He said that in his experience with her, when she was being nice he was most uncomfortable and that it meant she was ready to leap and attack. I thought that anything we did for the benefit of their child would be ok. I thought that if i was just a well-meaning good person, kind and compassionate, all would eventually be ok. It was my thought that all of us "just getting along" was for the best - and I saw that OTHER people are capable of it, and knew I was, so I thought I could make a difference.
I was an idiot.
For a while, I was like her sounding board. It started with calls about daughters dietary needs and progressed to discussions of STBH, her ex. I would re-direct as much as possible but it was next to impossible for her to NOT talk about him. Still, she extended herself SO much to me that I figured in the long term it would work. Another benefit to this was my STBH got more time with his daughter as she would call me to watch her when she had something she wanted to do. (time off). It was to the point where we would call to check in with each other. Have drinks. She once asked me to consider entering a buisiness with her. I would never have even considered it, but this is to elicit the point that we were actually calling ourselves friends. yeah right. Allowing myself to think she could EVER befriend me was mistake number one.
It all seemed to be working out so well. Daughter was joyful and had more time with dad, unencumbered by mom's anger toward us... It fell at a time when the court date was coming up for her last violation of the restraining order. This was her fifth violation and would have landed her in jail for a mandatory 52 days. I convinced STBH that since things were going really well, he should try to make amends and drop the charge so that she didnt have to go to jail. This was mistake number two. I cant say he was ever THRILLED about sending his daughters mother to jail in the first place. So they went to court, and STBH dropped the charges, and she was free.
a little time went by...eventually they even sat down and discussed the sale of their house... and a property settlement plan. THEY SAT together. She told him she really LIKED me and trusted me with her daughter. I was listed as the emergency contact at daughters school and granted permission to pick her up from class. It seemed like my plan was working. She had even begun dating, and introduced me to her new BF. We (ex, STBH and I) made plans for us to move his stuff out of the garage finally and we took off work to do so for her convenience. It was a favor to her predominantly. It was a big step.
Couple of days later, STBH and I got into a fight. Big one. Though our fight had nothing to do with her, I accused him of behaving with me as he had with her. Blah blah blah.
I had not told him about how MUCH contact she and I had, as I felt he would be threatened by it, and it was all for his best interest in the end. That was mistake number three.
Well it happened that she called me when STBH and I were in the throes, and I told her I couldn't talk because we were fighting. The fight went all night long and in the morning i decided to take an indefinite visit to my parents.
Ex of course drove by the house as she is wont to do, and noticed I was gone. She called and I told her I was visiting family. She IMMEDIATELY called my STBH "out of concern for his happiness" because she "loved" him, to tell him that she didnt think our fighting (not a regular occurrence) was a healthy environment for their daughter and that he should not be in a relationship yet as he was still not over the demise of THEIR relationship. She went on to say a great many horrible things about me. Lied to him about things I had said, making up and misrepresenting things. She had indeed caught him at a vulnerable moment. And the more i think about it, the more i realize that part of the reason that he and I fought at all was that I was beginning to identify with HER as we spoke almost daily. The thing is, I KNOW the truth. I have heard ALL the stories and seen it first hand. The demise of their relationship was the result of both parties, and as that relationship is over, the ONLY thing that matters is their DAUGHTER. He was the ONLY one who consistently took her needs as more important than anyones.
Well, I came back, of course, and he and I made up, of course. It really never had the potential to destroy us as she had hoped - because he KNEW how cunning she was. She on the other hand believed that she had re-connected with him, and eliminated me. When she discovered that we did not break up, she lost it.
She began with me worse than she had ever been before. Calling at all hours of the night, name calling, threatening us both...
We decided (mistake number four) to abide by our promise to take things out of the garage, and STBH asked her to stay away from the house as she and I were not on speaking terms. She agreed to him, in order that her garage be cleared. But she could not stay away.
When she pulled into the driveway, we both tried to dissapear into the garage to avoid confrontation - hoping she had merely forgotten something at the house. But when he did not come out to greet her (knowing full well that would have sparked a loyalty battle with me) she flipped her lid. Next thing you know she is screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of her suburban street with her 4 y/o in the car about how daddy and his GF engage in filthy sexual activities and daddy doesnt love his daughter. I am at this point doing everything i can to keep my cool and I get into the car and close the door looking straight ahead. She comes to the door and starts slamming her fist into the window threatening me. We leave. Of course we have no recourse in that we are at HER house and all was done through verbal agreement.
Plus, we had dropped previous charges.
If she had done that 52 days in jail, we would have a MUCH easier time gaining custody of his daughter. She now has an attorney who has strictly forbidden her from violating the RO again. She is able to accomplish this moountainous task by sending her friend to the child exchange. If she continued to come she would eventually have been arrested again. She cannot keep her control when around us. regardless of her child.
I still have no restraining order against her, but I am mounting the evidence and trying. As I have mentioned, she has since damaged my car, called me at bizarre hours for frivolous arguments, made slanderous remarks to me and STBH at child exchanges ( we now record everything) but I have no recourse without a RO. STBH has to have HIS RO ammended to include contact during exchanges. It is a LOT of red tape.
It often seems she can do whatever she pleases without recourse. On the other hand, we try to be nice, and as a consequence, it will be harder to uphold the RO when she is finally charged again. Remember that if you FINALLY get a RO, and you decide to drop it - YOU MAY NOT BE OFFERRED ANOTHER CHANCE. But if you GET it, you can ease up if things go well, but you will still have it as protection.
MY WARNING: do NOT drop the RO. If needed, call her and tell her that you want her to know in advance that there is a restraining order being filed - and that it is purely for protection in the event that she loses her ability to remain civil toward you. Explain that you are HAPPY with the way things have been going and if they remain that way for a long enough time you will consider dropping the RO - but that because of her behavior in the past you hope she will understand your need to protect yourself and your interests.
If she can't get beyond that, chances are the friendly act would never have lasted.
It is difficult to make that choice. Good hearted people always want to do the right thing. And there are actions which cannot be taken back. my STBH is currently agonizing about a letter to his attorney demanding he seek custody of daughter due to wife taking her out of country w/out vaccinations and permission. Once she gets wind that he is trying to have child taken from her, the WHOLE game changes for EVER.
Remember that there were MANY chances for her to grow up and think of the children in hte past. Now you have to look after you. GOOD LUCK, don't drop the RO.

Of course she's being sweet and nice, she's about to get in big trouble if you go through with everything. She's working you, so don't fall for it.

Don't be a sucker. You're too smart and good-hearted for that, Nymh.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

I can put money on this one...she will stick it to you as soon as she gets the chance trust me, been there done that...if you don't file the ro she has you right where she wants you...I have fallen for the nice stuff and the poor me crap...DONT DO IT...I would file like yesterday...Good luck

NCP should have rights too! My husband and I have been down this road entirely too many times. This is a game in many ways for the BM to play. First, this is pure manipulation on her part...she knows as well as we do that we do not want to be responsible for putting our child/stepchilds mommy in jail, although you can be sure she has already fed that tidbit to your stepchild..( they want to put your mommy in jail,so they can take you away from me.) which being a child, and on our part,we are trying to keep my ss out of this circus, he is unfortunatly hearing her biased side of things...(he shouldnt be hearing any side at only 6.) Second, this is a fervent attempt at kindness to only keep her butt out of the slammer! It is not uncommon for her to play the victim to anyone who will listen while she continues to harrass us. On two different occasions my husband and I have had to file harrassment charges and stalking charges agiants the BM. Of course you then have to do court ordered meditation before the charges go before the judge. During both of our meditations, I believing things would change and feeling guilty about putting ss BM in jail, agreed to drop charges if certain stipulations were agreed upon...of course anything agreed upon went right out the window once enough time passed...so here we are having to go back to court AGAIN in order to file contempt charges as well as some extreme modicfications...and yes we are now into $20,000 in attorney and court fees...be aware sweetie, they way things began are the way things are going to end..the only thing you and stbh can do is stand your ground, set the pattern by showing her that together you WILL NOT tolerate her actions any longer... and remember,BM's kindness towards you or your stbh will only last as long as it benifits her!

Cruella has a good point here. Have you ever considered that all communication between you two could count against you in court? Please please please, on behalf of all women and men who are fighting the evil, don't fall for it! Stay away from that woman, I wouldn't even respond to any of her emails! How does it look that you are pursuing a RO on her, but you email each other?

I know you feel bad for pursuing the RO, but remember all the crap she put you through. You are not attacking her, you are merely protecting yourself. She's the one who has been on the attack. She needs to face the consequences of her actions, or she will continue to believe that she is in the right and that whatever she does is also right. Just like a child, she needs boundaries. In this case, her boundaries should be "stay the hell away from me and never contact me ever again". She had her chance to be mature, and she blew it.

Please get the RO.

IM going to ask a few hard questions, based upon information that I have come to concluded based upon your posts. Forgive me if ive missed something. And also im saying these things with love and concern for a fellow shit-upon (if there is such a word) SM.

Why do you continue to try and have a relationship with this woman despite everything that has transpired in the past that has gotten you to the point of pursueing an RO. And now with her playing nice - even against your BFs wishes and your keeping things from him????? Based upon your history - why would you want one?

You are letting this woman play with you.... why? Is this relationship more important to you than the one you have with your BF?

Do you think you know this woman better than he does? Dont you think that he divorced this woman because he didnt want to have a relationship with her and based on her behavior of attaching you and your relationship, the RO was a step to keep her out? Fighting with people is still having a relationship with them. Why do you keep inviting her in? Whey are you torchering yourself?

I think you need to disengage with this woman completely and let BF handle things. This woman tried to destroy your relationship with bf and also by being a psycho and now she is trying to do two things. 1) Be really nice and keep in contact with you to show the courts that you guys have kissed and made up. and 2) Lay the groundwork to show your BF that YOU cant be trusted and are not loyal to him and ss. Shes doing this by playing on your sympathies, and she knows that she can because you let her. Also she is trying to weasel her way into a relationship with your BF still - vicariously through you.

If you dont stand for something, you will fall for everything. You need to draw the line of battle and choose sides. Stop putting yourself in the middle where you dont need to be.

Sometimes doing the right think hurts. You need to disengage from her. Otherwise your relationship with bf with suffer, but also you will be spending years cycling with this maniputlative b*tch.

Hugs to you...

The writings on the wall... don't fall for it.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...