My situation has caused me to go inot hide out mode.
My DBF and I have had a wonderful relationship until recently even though we live 250 miles apart. For some reason at the mention of his EW's name I would cringe and go silent. I couldnt exactly figure it out until recently. Basically their divorce came about this way.
When they met and started dating she already had a child by another man. That man wanted nothing to do with the boy. She got pregnant by my now DBF. He guilted himself into marrying her because she got pregnant. She wanted to stay at home and not work. He busted his tail working 2 jobs. Meanwhile, he's in the process of adopting her child. And meanwhile, she's "hooking up" with a man online. My now DBF found out about it and BAM d-i-v-o-r-c-e.
Ok, I've made mistakes, but that is really low. Needless to say 3 months after the divorce she gets pregnant by another guy. Well, that guy left her and married someone else. So, what goes around comes around.
My DBF said a couple weeks ago that we both knew that this is it, me and him together as husband and wife, as a family. We arranged for a weekend to get the kids around one another, see how it goes. It went great. Except for something I found out about by accident.
His kids were supposed to have a soccer game and I was invited. My first thought is cool, but then I told him I'm not ready to be around your EW yet. Let me do it in my own time after I sort out my negaative feelings. Well, last week my DBF and EW were having a conversation and she asked him why I didn't want to be around her. He tells her it's because of what she did to him. Games got cancelled anyway.
Three days later she typed up a long email about me and it got forwarded to me by a co-worker of his because the guy thought it would be funny. She went off about how rude and catty I am, etc. A couple days later I decided to take it up with her directly via email to open discussion, ask questions, reflect back on what the other was saying. The EW ended up sending him an email saying how I was in junior high and tried to start a fight. I pointed out her contradictions to her and she didn't like it. She even said how rude her new husband's EW is. She is just the same. She makes judgements and has opinions of her own. This ended up in me finally telling her I'm not repling to you anymore, not trying to start a fight and this is about the kids and them being happy.
I had friends and family members read her emails and they all concluded the same things. That she still has feelings for him, she's trying to undermine me, and a master manipulator.
I don't know what the hell I'm getting myself into. I told my DBF this week that I'm not moving 250 miles away to be with him unless I'm engaged. He's not ready. He said he doesn't want to get married because he says "I did every thing right and it still failed." BAGGAGE. It screams "I'll never trust you completely with my heart". We're speaking less on the phone now and the conversations are simple. He seems to be throwing himself into work. I know he has a lot to think about. We're going out of town with my son next week. I gave him 2 opportunities to get out. Told him if you're unsure about us then don't go because I don't want to put my son through this. At this point he's still going.
I'm at a loss and don't know what to do other than wait and see, but it's killing me. I feel like meeting her was being crammed down my throat. I don't come from a family of exes and step-children and half-siblings. It's all new to me. I feel like someone put me in a corner this week and poked a stick at me. He has asked on many occassions how I'm going to interact with her. Last I said was I only see you every 10 days to 2 weeks so how often will I see her? They stay great friends for the sake of the kids. 
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Run the other direction!!!! Run, Run
Your current situation is a duplicate of my history. Having been involved in a similar situation where I DID NOT stand up for myself or validate my feelings but married him anyway, I'm still dealing with issues of the EX. I have been married for 18 years after 6 years of dating~he wasn't ready to commit and demonstrated behaviors similiar to your BF & it was also a long distance relationship. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't. I do love my husband but in retrospect, if they can't drop their baggage pre-marriage, it's never going to go away. And, like you, I did not come from a family of EX's, steps, etc, so I was ill equipped to deal with the many problems that have occurred. It almost sounds like he is more concerned about her feelings than yours. I suggest you break it off & tell him to work out his issues before he comes back to you. If this guy really loves you, he will deal with it & come back, if not, you don't want him. Also, if you don't respect yourself, your feelings & you needs, he will NEVER respect you. I know that sounds harsh but I wish some one with the same experiences would have told me. Give yourself credit for who you are and don't stuff or ignore your feelings to protect him or anyone else. As I posted in another forum (see step children), no one but you will take care of you, not dh & not the stepchildren, you are just baggage to them. I'll never forget a show I saw on Oprah by a guy who wrote the book "He's Just Not That In to You"...he poses some very important situations, if DBF if waffling and hiding behind work, he is scared and having trouble juggling all the situations in his life. He needs to prove to you that you are #1 to him and not the EX. And that NEEDS to occur BEFORE the engagement, move or marriage. Don't compromise yourself or your kids. I mention your kids as eventually, the stress of the extra baggage, the EX and his inability to deal with things will take a toll on them as well as you. It's too much contention to start out this way or live this way. As a wise person once said, you need to open your eyes all the way prior to marriage & close them half way after marriage. Good luck, I wish you strength & love. You sound like a great gal with much to offer, give it only to someone who will cherish you. I know I sound strong & harsh, but it's years of heartache speaking.
Agree with Spitfire
You have received the best advice from Spitfire. Don't wait for anymore editorials on this one.
BF won't take your outs, because he's too paralyzed in his own situation to make any tough decisions. You are going to have to make them for him.
Cancel the upcoming visit and set your boundaries now. What's the worse that can happen? You and your son have a great weekend alone, unhampered by baggage-man?
Spitfire? You hang in there. I hope the years have included some joy along with the anguish.
Take care to all of you.
I see.
Well, I took 2 sleeping pills and slept on it last night. I woke up feeling like asking him "hey, are you a committment-phob? If so, this is over." I don't have time to deal with it. My heart is open, yet being trampled on right now. I have my own babbage, but I don't shove it someone else's face.
Funny thing about all of this, his EW said I was the one that liked drama. I'm trying to get myself OUT of it and looking back, it was his dumb mistake of telling her why I didn't want to be around her in the first place.
I'm really trying to step outside of myself and look in through the window. I've tried to be flexible and its making me miserable. My foot is going to come crashing down. Sometimes, you want to think that love is enough, but is it? It horrifies me to read about you, Spitfire, still dealing with the ex after 18 years. Do you know how many gray hairs will be on my head by then??? Seriously, in the past month I've had more gray hairs pop up and I'm only 29!
Thank you for your reply, Riley. The trip is def in question now. I'm almost thinking if he still goes, then he'll see me again then know his answer whether its yes or no. I'm still mulling it over in my head.
It's bad but not as bad as it may sound
My situation is not unique with the exception that I am dealing with adult children & an EX who lives out of state. My interactions with them at this point are very limited (my choosing) but the emotional scars from years of bull**** are still there. And quite frankly, my anger & anguish is directed more at my husband than his kids or EX. Yes, I get frustrated with them but I can not control their agency or actions, let alone my husbands. But I do expect respect for me & my feelings from my husband and that is the crux of the matter. He has moved forward in some respects, but it is probably the best he will ever be able to do. Alot of it was how he was raised, also he is 66 y.o. & like they say, you can't teach old dogs new tricks. But a wise individuals told me, you can lead them to water, but you can't make them drink, however, you can salt their food so they will be thirsty!! Guys in general do not handle multi-emotional issues well, let alone singular emotional issues. The up side is my husband is a great guy, I am fiercely independent as is he, so we compliment each other very well. We don't get in each others way and we completely trust each other. Spiritually, we are on the same wave length, but that does not mean either of us are perfect or living perfectly. We strive & hope for the best. So, yes I have had joy in my life, but it has usually been self-initiated, but occaisionally he has stepped up to the plate. So, as in all things it is a trade off, I'm really not a bitter b**** or have a hopeless, unhappy life, it just that I have begun to choose happiness regardless of my circumstances & surprisingly, things have improved. I'm just a super advocate on taking care of yourself & not letting anyone walk on you, as I did when I was young & dumb!!! Happy Easter to all!!!
I spoke to him this morning.
He (my DBF) has told me that he's a pain in the ass and he's kinda right. We're both fixed signs so equally stubborn. I won't forget about my needs, wants, feelings, nor will I bend too far to please everyone.
I sent him numerous emails last week talking and talking, communicating and communicating about what was going on in my head. Guess what? He hadn't checked his email in 3 days! I said that's unlike you. I assumed you checked them. I know how at least some men can AVOID issues, but he said for me to tell him what's wrong, basically be very upfront about it.
He claried that because we live 250 miles apart the fact that I want a solid committment before I move poses challenges. I understood because nowadays, people usually live together first, right? He also explained that its not that he doesnt want to get married again its that he wants to make damn sure of it - no doubt. Neither so I because I'm only doing this one more time.
Maybe it's not as bad as it sounds. Sorry for any typos.
Hmmmm, I'm still very concerned about you!
I'm glad you have talked with him & I'm glad you can identify that you both have a role in this situation. But, he is setting the tone & rules for this relationship, it's like he is trying to talk you into accepting his beliefs, desires, etc & it sounds like you are agreeing. I'm not critizing you, but you made several statements which have been left unaddressed. You have emailed him with your feelings, yet he did not check his email, which it sounds like he routinely does. Could he have checked his email & is denying it to avoid direct conversation/confrontation about the issues. He is also focusing on where you relationship is going but not about the EX & that issue. What is he doing about that? Men, by nature like to change the subject to take the heat off of them at the moment. So by changing the subject (no discussion about what happened or how the EX is going to be handled), he has suceeded in changing your train of thought. Please don't forget what happened that spurned your upset & anger. It is so very easy to sweep those memories & feelings away so you can "connect" with them once again but those issues will come back to haunt you. I strongly suggest you begin to keep a journal and as you write your feelings, your needs & the issues will begin to become glaringly apparent. Use a highlighter to highlight what I would call the top 10 issues, the kind you draw the line in the sand & won't budge on them. If they are dealbreakers and are unresolved, they will begin to fester in the relationship and continue to contaminate it. Journaling will also give you clarity about what you need to work on. The other tactic I have used when I'm in a emotional rut is this.."What would you say to your very best friend if she presented you with the same problems your are experiencing?" Whatever you come up with, take your own advice. I know that relationships in today's world are challenging & we as we suck up alot of "stuff" to keep things going. But you really need to focus on the real issues & don't let him tap dance around by saying "I didn't check my email"...sounds like a poor excuse to me....Good luck, we love you and just want you to be happy!
Just re-read your post, have more to say
You know, I just re-read your post about the 250 mile difference posing a challenge for him. I understand he has had made some bad decisions which has brought more heartache into his life. But as adults and after several bad relationships, I would think he could figure out what he can & can't deal with. I would absolutely not move yourself or uproot your son if this guy is waffling around. You are established where you are & you BF needs to be cognizant of the sacrafice you & your son are making to join him. A sacrafice without a commitment should be unacceptable to you. If he can't make a commitment to you, then either continue to DATE him (and others!, keep all the avenues open!) or tell him to get his act together on his time, not yours. I'm sorry I seem so b****y about this, but from the outside looking in, he is really jerking your chain. What about him moving to where you live? How would he feel about that? Would he move to your city if you were un-committed to him? Hmmmm???? Good question!
How long has been out of his other committed relationship?
This all sounds very complicated and not the basis for a loving, committed relationship! Get out now!
Hmmm.
He has said the only thing for him where I live is ME. He is aware, and I will make you aware too that I've been wanting to move from my home town for a long time. So, that's one reason I was willing. He's never done a long distance relationship and neither have I. It's very different for both of us. Miscommunication can occur and has. I want to be positive that I'm marrying without a doubt, too. He did say that he understands and respects my feelings that I would rather be engaged before I move.
As far as he's concerned about the ex issue it's beating a dead horse. Us women exchanged words and he's not happy about it. He has said he wants to get back to basics and have the focus be us, not her.
Things were really great until that email was forwarded to me. I've talked to someone else today about the EW. Was she meddling? I think so. Does she feel guilty about what she did? I think so. I'm not used to dealing with someone that thinks they're so functional when its really dysfunctional. She has 3 women to deal with: her husband's EW (they don't get along), her EH's GF (me and you know I don't care for her), and her EBF's wife (they didn't always get along). WHOA!!! Talk about some serious baggage. She even told me in an email "I promise you I'm not a whore." Hmm. Did I ever say that? NO. She has some serious issues and I don't want to allow her to be in the middle of us. Why was she so worried about what the f*** I thought of her in the first place? I don't care about her. I don't want to be her best good friend. Now that I'm typing this out, I think she's had A LOT of rejection in her life and my BF was the only stable thing and she's freaking that any amount of time her gives her will go POOF! Dissappear. She wants people to accept her, but hey, it's not easy so don't get in my face and ask me to like you lol.
My BF is also concerned about my son and how it would change his life. So, BF isn't thinking of himself. He's finally seeing how many people this will affect. I've never had a blended family. He comes from one (but not as bad as hers).
Also, let me clarify when I typed up my emails I did not inform him that I sent them and I did not say what they contained. No, I don't think he's making an excuse. He's was caught off guard and didn't know I'd felt down. He asked "do you think I would purposely avoid talking to you about your feelings or what you wrote?" (I'm paraphrasing.
I think I will keep a journal. I have some self help books on the way from Amazon.com. Is that sad?
Hmmmm
Well, sounds like you have some perspective on things, but again, the important thing is that the EX issue is addressed. "Let's get back to basics" is good, but the EX will continue to rear her ugly head over & over again. I think formal counseling & even some form of an agreement between the 2 of you needs to be reached. The big mistake I made was assuming that my DH was going to react rationally & reasonabley with my/our best interests in mind. NOT!! It doesn't always work that way for men with divided emotional responsibilites. They are real SUCKERS for a damsel in distress, esp. when that damsel is the mother of their child. I think when the time is right, you should discuss possible issue that could occur (like anyone would have an emergency plan in place if there was a fire). Boundaries, if you move to where he is living (I'm assuming EX is living in the same area) is going to be a big thing. Is she permitted to call your home, how are visiting issues going to occur. Right now, "they" have their own gig going...you are not there to get bent out of shape if she shows up or calls at all hours. This most recent episode should give you a clue as to how he will respond in the future, retreat is very common in men. I'm glad to hear he is verbalizing his concerns for you & your son. But when he has to choose between being with you & your son & "rushing over to help" with his other child....how is that going to work. Ex's tend to magnify or manufacture things to get control over "their" men. How does she handle the relationships with the other men & women in her life (I would need a score card to keep track!!)....that would be a good indicator for you what the future will be like. Also, what's up with the friend emailing this stuff? I thought that was a little weird. Again, I'm not saying your guy is bad, I'm just saying, get the stuff straight while you can. I thoroughly support pre-marital counseling. We spend more time researching a purchase of a car or house than we do a spouse. You are a smart girl....but those men & their EX's can make you think you are CRAZY, when it's their dysfunction!!! BEWARE!!!
LOL
Yeah, I know all about the "retreat" thing men do. When he argues he does admit he's a "pain in the ass". True, I am not there because they do have their own gig going at the moment. Yes, he's asked me "what would you do when you get around her?" At this point I DON'T want to be around her and there aren't a whoel lot of opportunities for that so I'm in the clear (for now). My mother said the same thing: you're always going to have problems with her and either deal with it or don't.
What I really want is for their baggage to remain their baggage and don't make it mine. I'm not shoving mine in their face.
I think I just need to take my time here and really assess the situation.
I wish you a peaceful week...
I hope this weeks brings you some peace & time for reflection. At the very least, the routine of the week will bring you solace. You are a smart gal & I know you will make the right decision. Your mom is right, you have 2 choices, either deal with it or don't but there is a third choice, don't deal with him if it involves compromising yourself. But I have found, inspite of my challenges, that someone always has it worse than me. I have told many people that marriage with all the joy it brings is really about what you can & can't/won't tolerate. We all have been there when the "glow" wears off & real life sets in. An abiding love is wonderful and I am grateful that I have that with my DH, but that doesn't change his clueless, stupid mistakes. But I'm sure I make plenty myself. They (the guys) just don't seem to deal well with all this emotional crap...so it complicates our lives. As far you saying that you want their baggage to remain their baggage & not become yours...sorry, but if you are with him, what's his is yours & what's yours is his.....I wish we could compartmentalize it, but it just doesn't work. Have a great week & hang in there...we're here for you!
Update
Well, I've had much time to think. Since I'm not going any where for a while it "all about me". I'm a person that lacks treating myself so now I intend to instead of feeling guilty about it.
I cannot believe how scared and crazy this situation has made me. However, I've come to the realization that even if it's hard I have to ignore that woman.
I'm just not used to this. I've been reading everyone's horror stories and the thought has crossed my mind to run. But I love him and even though last week was bad, people still tell me I have a good thing.
I agree. Reality has set in and the honeymoon phase is over. I hope that this weekend will bring some peace and harmony.
I appreciate you supporting me.
P.S. His bag is hard to swallow so I think that's why I'm having such a hard time. Like I went into shell shock.
P.S.S.
By bag I meant baggage LOL
It's over. :(
He called last night. I knew something was wrong. He's been pushing me away. He said his head is telling him he wants it, but his heart is confused. He said he may never want to get married again and 5 months down the line he doesnt know if that will change. He said I'm everything he ever wanted and he's letting me go. Baggage boy. Again, I think its clear he still cant get over the EW. He's used to dealing with dysfunction. When it comes to dealing with function he cant handle it. He even said maybe he likes drama - he doesnt know. He'll regret it I'm sure. This makes him look like a total idiot in my eyes, but then again I am relieved that I wont have to deal with the EW ever again. He's a wuss. Here's what I emailed him. Sure , its emotional, but its what I felt when i typed it.
I can't believe you've walked into my life and done this to me. How dare you. Paul, I think you are your worst enemy. By pushing me away its like you were telling me "don't love me. I'm no good." because I know you have issues with your self worth. A man with no self worth should not date nor do what you've just done. Yes, I made the decision for you because I'm not going to be subjected to the terrible treatment that would have continued. I know there's nothing wrong with me and nothing I did wrong. I feel like I didnt know you at all, but lately I'd been sensing your issues and I pressed on them. I'll walk away from this knowing that I tried very hard. I opened my heart and you closed yours. Maybe it will always be closed. I can't fix it and no one can except you, but I don't think you want to because you function off of a lifetime of pain and it will always remain. How dare you allow me to bring my son to meet you and to meet your children. I got scared and nervous, too, but I was taking my time and not rushing my move. Honestly, I would rather know now that this wasnt meant to be so I can get on with my life. I took a 4 month detour. You hold the pain of your sisters death inside. You can't let that out either. So many people that hurt you you have them in your life, but me you throw away like.. like it could never be something really wonderful. Somebody treats you well and you don't know what to do with it. One day when your daughter is grown and a man breaks her heart maybe this will flood back into your memory. How can I say kind things when this has happened? I just wonder how you will turn out. Happy? Unhappy? Alone? Look at this. It's 1 AM and I'm typing away when I should be asleep. Love is a lie to me at this moment. Next time a man tells me that I don't think I will believe him, at least not at this point. Yeah? So what if I said a few bad words? You strang me along and hurt me. Which is worse? I feel used. Like you used me to try to cure something that's wrong with you. Why don't you deal with your issues before you do this to someone else? I know I'm only saying what I'm thinking and feeling. If you ever got your head together how could I let you back in? You said enough on the phone to where you won't remarry. One failure and you're done. What that tells me is you can't love, honor, cherish someone ever again. God, I didnt even push you into anything. It's all you, Paul. Go on and be scared, Paul. See where that gets you. I'm sorry, but my hand was forced not to take this treatment. You don't ever want to hold me again or kiss me again. Did I just find out who you really are tonight? Life's too short. You have to show people and tell people you love them or their gone. And you know this too well. I'm sorry for you. I endured so much advice from other people lately and.. all talked out again.
Goodbye. I deleted all of your emails and photos. Please do the same for me.
Thank you.
Although as I'm typing tears are going down my face, I want to say thanks for your kind words. I know its all him and this wasnt meant to be. I am deeply hurt, yes. I will get over it and do my best to be good to myself. No point in beating myself up over it since I came into it with an open mind and heart. I hate being hurt. It sucks. He's a lonely soul and will continue to be. I guess I never really knew him. I may sound emotional, but this is what's pouring out of me. Yes, I did tell him "F___ you." There's nothing he can say or do to fix this. He made his bed. I deserve more. Bye, baggage boy.
I will feel better.
But I wanted to let you know that my son who is 5 was just crying for me.
You said that he has no
self worth. Then what attracted you to him...he sounds like a fixer upper. Those kinds of things are always trouble in men and houses! Wishing you well.
Low self worth
He seemed to be able to fake it I guess. He'd get embarassed when I would compliment him. He stated his self opinion wasnt good at times. What attractted me to him? He was open (at the time), stated he wasnt into games, romantic, caring and he showed it and didnt just tell me. I'd really been wanting that.
You're right, stamina. Maybe he was a fixer upper all along and I didnt see it. I obviously tapped a nerve about all of his issues. As time goes on I know I'll grow from this.